MATHIAS
Un clarooscuro en este mundo
After the chaos, the screams, silence returns, and with it, the thoughts about the damn "reflection," wondering if I've screwed up, if I'm lost, 'but how am I lost?' Months ago, I knew exactly what I wanted; now it's like starting over again, although... 'how is it possible that I don't know?' An hour ago, we had just sealed a new pact... not with words, but with skin.
My gaze drifted to where she was breathing slowly beside me. Maybe she was asleep or just pretending to be. 'How can she look so harmless like that?'
I shifted my eyes toward the ceiling; the darkness didn't bother me—it became my new friend, that world I once thought was distant now feels like home, especially her as my refuge. Maybe I'm crazy, but I had accepted it. No blackmail, no manipulation—more like I'm enjoying it. I was starting to enjoy the chaos, starting to enjoy other people's pain.
With Michael Lorenz's death, I confirmed it: it doesn't affect me in the slightest, that the whole plot we planned against him went perfectly... the officials believed the whole story that he was involved in all the deaths at the school, that he killed his family and then committed suicide. Besides the clues about how his disorder began, the rest was just investing money to stay away from those little things that still didn't make sense in the case, although two weeks have passed without any chaos over those deaths.
I exhaled softly... any other guy in my place would have been traumatized by all this drama, couldn't sleep because of guilt, but... I didn't feel 'guilt.' I also saw his death as necessary, just another collateral damage.
'What have you become? Is there anything left of Mathias Ludwig?'
I only awakened that monster I kept asleep, one I fear will get out of control, losing touch with reality completely.
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I had gotten up earlier than usual. I couldn't stop overthinking things. I needed an escape.
Since there was no school, I decided to go to the music room, a place outside the mansion but still on the property. Just had to cross the garden.
I got up without making much noise... though I failed: Ragnar was already following me. His sister, Nyra, had stayed in the room with Nefertary.
And here we were, just the two of us, at six in the morning with freezing cold.
—You have no idea how much I envy you right now —I said to the dog, since he was much warmer than me.
When I got there, I opened the door to enter. I waited for the furry guy to come in, then closed it, turning on some lights at the same time. Since I discovered it, it became a hobby to come here—to clear my mind.
Walking around the room, I pressed a few piano keys. It's not my strong suit, 'it's hers.' That thought made me laugh. I think if I had her here with that instrument, I'd get lost watching her play, how she makes every melody hers.
I pushed that idea aside when I spotted my personal relief. I approached to take it. I sat on the couch in the middle of the room and started playing whatever wandered through my mind until a song I heard weeks ago crossed my thoughts. I adjusted the strings to reach the melody, and when I felt confident enough, I started to sing it. I pictured Ragnar, alert, listening to me, letting himself be carried by the lyrics.
—Girl, if you're willing
I'll show you all my cards
Let's just risk it all
Hey, I'll give you my heart, don't break it
It's always been yours to take
We're already in let's face it, just face it
And stay
I'll love you through all our phases
The sound of applause startled me a bit. A few meters away, I spotted the girl, who didn't hesitate to come closer. Next to her was Nyra, who went to stand by her brother.
—I swear I could listen to you sing all day —I put the guitar aside so she could sit on my lap.
—How long were you there? —I asked while wrapping my arms around her waist.
—Not long... since you started singing, maybe? —I kissed her on the cheek, then rested my chin on her shoulder—. What song was that?
—"Vegas" by Johnny Orlando —I answered.
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. The daylight was slowly coming in. Through the windows, you could see dawn approaching.
—Couldn't sleep? —I broke the silence between us.
—Just... —she hesitated. From what I've learned about her these past months, it's likely she was doubting whether to continue or not—. I had a nightmare.
—Want to tell me about it?
Our attention turned to the Menguante twins, who were making a ruckus while playing.
—I dreamed... I dreamed about Demir —I heard her voice trying not to break, her body tensing at the mention of the name. It was clear it still hurt, and she knew it would take time to heal—. I feel... I feel like I never said goodbye to him, not properly —she whispered those last words.
—Then why don't you go?
—Where exactly? He doesn't even have a grave, I don't even know where his mother might have left his ashes... where exactly do I go, Mathias? —I moved away from her to look at her and wipe the tears escaping down her cheeks.
—The best place would be where it all began... or where it all ended.
'Am I lucky?' to know this vulnerable side of her because right now her eyes speak... they speak sadness, tell the truth, reflect the real Nefertary Ibagon—the one who feels, who's scared, but gets up and tries.
—What if I don't know what to say when I get there? —that made me smile, though I held it back.
—I'll tell you a story about a "controlling" girl in every way —she looked at me fully focused—. Everything she did or said was calculated, even when life worked against her, she always knew how to improvise. Was it hard? Yes, because that annoyed her since sometimes her true self slipped out a little. What she didn't know was that was the best thing that could happen to her: being just herself, no filters. And when she let herself go, she could just insult, scream, cry, above all feel... feel alive, even if some emotions burned her inside —I paused to wipe another tear—. What I mean is that you just have to let your heart lead. It will tell you all the time what to do, what to say, but for that, you have to stop thinking and let it flow —I put a finger on her chest—. It'll do the work, monster —that last part made her smile a little.
—Just let it flow?
—Just let it flow.
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The morning with the Ziegler family was full of tension. They were literally killing each other with their eyes. Not to mention sometimes I thought they were cursing each other telepathically. I really have my enemies close.
After that, I went with Nefertary to training. Strictly necessary, according to her. It's something that must always be in our lives. I didn't object... 'to survive this style, you have to be as prepared or better than the opponent.'
Since I hadn't seen my dumb friend for a while, I was just in the living room of his mansion waiting for him. His sister saved me the trip upstairs. Honestly, the bedrooms were getting really boring, or at least that's what I want to believe, since the shrink says otherwise.
"—Claustrophobia?! —I ask him for the third time.
—Yes, but nothing serious for now. —I don't even know how to take that answer.
—But why? —He takes his time to speak.
—Maybe you took it as a defense mechanism. —I can imagine my confused face right now—. It sounds ironic, yeah, but with everything else we already know, taking something insignificant and wanting to stay away from it... it's most likely that, which might be linked to the cabin's rooms.
I stayed silent. Maybe that could be it. Maybe I've gotten used to it. Although the fact that tragedies happened in those rooms still doesn't completely leave my mind. I'm still learning to live with that.
—Like I said, Mathias —I bring myself back to reality—, it's in the early stage. We can work with it. "
Another disorder to add to my list of "the faulty screws in my system." I roll my eyes at that madness. Without a doubt, he's right about something: the guy's less severe than my bipolar disorder, which I've always had, stopped treating when my mom died, and which started to catch up with me when I discovered this "fantastic world."
—Look, here's the love of my life —the idiot's voice pulled me back to reality. He was coming down the stairs.
—When are you going to stop messing around? —I asked as he reached me and hugged me.
—What's up, ehh? Since when so mature? —He tried to kiss me just as I moved away, then laughed at me.
—Cut the drama, Henry —he relaxed his tone—. How about we hang out in the garden?
—Since when are you afraid to go to my room? —He blows kisses jokingly.
—I'm just afraid you'll fuck me like a drawer that won't close, like those little friends you bring over. But me, baby —I put a hand on my chest pretending to be offended—, I have dignity, darling. —We both laughed at that stupid comment I dropped as we headed outside and sat on the sofas.
—How's your life going with Nefertary Ibagon? —I couldn't help but smile—. Ayy, this lovestruck fool has fallen. You just told me the wedding date already. I'm telling you now, I'm the best man.
—Idiot, it's still early p...
—Early!! —he cut me off—. So you've thought about it. I knew the girl had you Romeo-mode on, but I didn't know how bad.
—Stop exaggerating and let me finish. —He raised his hands in surrender—. It's way too soon to talk about that. I haven't even thought about it. —He gave me a judging look; he knows I'm lying—. Well, yeah, but not... not now. Especially when she's going through a tough phase.
—Tough? What do you mean tough? —Are men gossips? My friend straight up.
—Remember Demir?
—Yeah, the Russian, the guy I almost fought over. Of course, I remember him. What about him?
—Well, he died a few months ago.
—What?! —I swear he almost blew my eardrums—. When, how? Why am I only finding out now? —He bombarded me like one of those aunts wanting every little detail.
—In an illegal race —I lied. But that's not what shocks me, it's how naturally I said it—. Apparently, his opponent played dirty... pushed him off the road, crashing into another car unrelated to him —I finished.
I finished telling that made-up story. Why tell him the truth about how he died? I can imagine saying: 'Henry, he died in a kidnapping by Nefertary's psychotic enemy, who also killed her father.' That would just leave him more lost than grounded.
—God, that's a shitty move by life. How's she doing now?
—Handling it. But compared to the day she found out —Nefertary's shocked memories came to mind—, I'd say she's improved, though sometimes she can't hold it and ends up crying.
—So they really had a strong history —he whispered more to himself. When he noticed I was listening—. I mean... well, you know. Look on the bright side: the path's clear, and best of all, you get to be her shoulder to cry on. —I rolled my eyes at how dumb he is.
—Just shut up, Henry, shut up.
—I was just saying...
—Shut up! —My voice got louder, but I still didn't yell—. Yeah, I was jealous of that guy, okay, but that doesn't mean I disliked him —especially since he saved my life. That's something I'll thank him for forever—. He didn't deserve that ending, and I really hope that... that he's resting in that "love and peace" place those Christian, evangelical people talk about.
—Love and peace? Or eternal life? God's paradise? Stupid —I shot him a look, but we both burst out laughing.
—Nobody can talk seriously with you.
—We do, of course, adding our humor —he shrugged.
—If you say so...
—My dear Mathias, today we'll honor Demir's memory, maybe we don't know much about him, but he's one of ours.
—How? —I asked confused.
—With a party. —I had to lean back to escape his shouting.
—A party? Are you crazy, Smith? —If Ibagon were here, she'd have slit his throat by now.
—You know my devotion skills... aren't my strong suit. Besides, I'd be more than pleased to pay that tribute —he said that last part with such emotion I just sighed—. Come on, we haven't gone out as brothers in a while. Besides, I don't see why the 'Great Nefertary Ibagon' would oppose it, what do you say?
Of course, she wouldn't oppose it at all. 'Or maybe she would.' The thing is, yes, I need a break too. Just one... what's wrong with that?
—Alright, we'll go.
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And here I was... with a couple of strangers, at a 'damn party.' The moment I stepped into this place, I was already regretting my decision. I'd been like a decorative statue for an hour. I couldn't even drink as I wanted, but that wasn't really my thing anyway.
Most likely, I shouldn't have come. Especially if I'd properly told Ibagon where I was going and not just that I'd stay at Henry's house for the night. 'Why didn't I tell her?'
I got up from the couch where I was sitting with a group of people trying to have a conversation amidst the noise. I left that place to explore, looking for a room far enough away from the noise.
The only good thing about being a millionaire is that parties like this don't echo all over the mansion, unlike a regular, everyday house.
I entered one of the bedrooms, looked around, although what really interested me was the bathroom. Finding it, I went to the sink, turned on the tap to get water in my hands and splash it on my face. The contact with my skin was the most freeing sensation. It seemed stupid that that simple act would ease some of the tension. I stayed there for a few seconds until I came out and locked eyes with her, who was sitting on the bed. My reaction was an instinctive chill all over my body.
—Looks like you've seen a ghost —her voice had a hint of fun and mockery.
—What are you doing here? —I said grudgingly.
—I think the question should be the other way around, Mathias. What are you doing here? Does my dear sister know you're here? —Everything to her is a joke. Much worse than Nefertary, because she's truly crazy.
—I didn't know I was my mother to have to inform her where I go —I said neutrally.
—Since you're all dressed up, I thought...
—Do you really think I'll stop my plan just because I'm fucking you? —My voice came out colder. 'I barely recognized myself when I'm with this girl.'
—I...
—I made a deal with you. I help you destroy her, but that doesn't mean, Ziegler, that when I'm done with Nefertary, I'll stay by your side —she got closer, closing the distance for a compromising scene.
—Are you sure about that? —she whispered near my lips. One of her hands went to my waist, but I stopped her, pulling her close—. Are you sure you won't stay by my side?
—I'm very sure of that.
I kissed her with aggression, full of anger and hate. That was all her presence made me feel: disgust. This was just a plan, a damn plan to end the monsters. Above all, to be free...