---
The bell over the shop door dinged like a funeral chime for my remaining sanity. A parent stood framed in the entrance, sunglasses gleaming, plastic bags swinging, a storm cloud brewing just above her head. Her gaze took in the hamster with its tiny labor protest, the Flood Dragon Guppy in Charlie's proud hands, the charred ruins of the inspector's clipboard, and me—one very tired shopkeeper trying to smile through the apocalypse.
"Can I keep him, Mum? Please?" Charlie wiggled his new fishbowl, unaware of the miniature thunderstorm brewing inside it.
For a moment, time froze. Even the hamster union seemed to hold its collective breath.
Bubbles—formerly the world's least promising goldfish, now part dragon—swam lazy circles, crackling with the kind of smug energy only found in mythic pets and toddlers with markers.
His mum didn't blink. "Why is your fish sparking?"
Before I could answer, my phone buzzed, superimposing a fresh system alert across my vision.
---
[QUEST: SURVIVE THE PARENT]
Objective: Explain, persuade, and pacify.
Penalty: Lawsuit, council complaint, negative reputation, possible hamster strike.
Timer: 14:58
---
Charlie's mum looked at the hamster, which was holding a sign that now read "FIGHT FOR FAIR SEEDS." She looked at me. She looked at her son.
"I told you not to pick anything weird," she said, in the tone of someone who had not only seen weird but had cleaned it off her carpet.
Charlie's defense was instant and pure. "He's not weird, he's Bubbles! And he only zaps the hamster."
At that exact moment, Bubbles let off a fizzing bubble, zapping the hamster's tail. The hamster jumped, then immediately scribbled "UNACCEPTABLE WORKPLACE CONDITIONS" on its own strike list.
The inspector, now in full bureaucratic meltdown, dialed her phone with shaking hands. "Yes, yes, they've done it again. No, I don't care about lollipops, bring the incident forms. The large ones. And an exorcist."
My phone pulsed with another popup, this one more urgent:
---
[SYSTEM DEAL: EXPANSION POINT SPEND]
Offer: Unlock a new shop feature for 1 Expansion Point
Options:
1. Emergency Cleaning Talisman (Cleans up any disaster—mostly)
2. Distraction Bell (Temporarily ejects unwanted mortals)
3. Random Feature (Warning: results may vary)
You have: 1 Expansion Point
Timer: 13:42
---
Bubbles did a somersault, shooting a spark that ricocheted off the inspector's badge and popped the nearest bag of kibble. Charlie whooped. His mum pressed two fingers to her temples. "This isn't a pet shop. This is… this is a disaster zone with a cash register."
Before I could defend the shop's honor, something at the back shelf glowed. The Mystery Egg, newly hatched from the system's last upgrade, pulsed with rainbow light. The hamster union stopped mid-mutiny, every tiny head swiveling to watch.
"Uh-oh," I muttered.
The system piped up again:
---
[MYSTERY EGG EVENT: HATCHING IMMINENT]
New Quest: Bond the pet before closing time or risk uncontrolled evolution.
Reward: Shop Reputation, ???
Penalty: Shopwide chaos, insurance voided, possible international incident.
---
Charlie's mum followed my gaze, her face hardening as she saw the glowing egg. "You're not selling him another animal, are you?"
"N-no," I said. "I mean, not intentionally."
The Mystery Egg rattled, then cracked with a sound like a hundred typewriters smashing at once. The shell split, light blazed, and something small, feathery, and outrageously smug tumbled onto the counter.
It was a chick.
No, not just a chick—a tiny bird, with downy golden fluff, tail tipped in flame, and a pair of beady eyes that surveyed the room with absolute scorn. Its first act was to peck the inspector's fallen clipboard, which promptly burst into clean, white ash.
The system updated, as if nothing odd had happened:
---
[APPRAISAL]
Species: Phoenix Chick (Prototype, Unregistered)
Temperament: Judgemental, pyromaniac tendencies
Hidden Trait: Will set fire to unpaid invoices
Bond Status: Unclaimed
Warning: May attempt to unionize with hamsters.
---
The hamster's leader sprinted over, waving its protest sign like a torch. The chick eyed it, hopped on the register, and sneezed a single spark. The hamster's whiskers sizzled, then immediately began frantically fanning its face with the strike list.
Charlie gasped. "Can I have that one too?"
"No!" his mother and I shouted in perfect, doomed chorus.
The chick strutted over to Bubbles' bowl and did a little dance, wings outstretched. Bubbles glared, zapped the chick's tail, and the chick zapped him back. The entire counter flashed with tiny lightning bolts and flame-tinged feathers.
The system pinged me with a new alert:
---
[SIDE QUEST: BOND THE PHOENIX CHICK]
Eligible Owners: Shopkeeper, any customer, hamster leader
Timer: 10:55
Reward: Permanent Shop Upgrade
Penalty: Pet rampage, possible council intervention, catastrophic feather loss.
---
Charlie's mum massaged her brow, eyes boring into me. "Let me guess. It eats only the rarest seeds, and sets fire to anything not organic?"
"Not… always?" I tried.
"Last time we came here," she muttered, "the rabbit started walking on air. The council still calls about that."
I summoned my best customer service smile, glancing at the system's flashing offers. "Actually, we're having a special today—any goldfish purchase comes with a voucher for—uh—Emergency Cleaning Services?"
I hit the system option for Emergency Cleaning Talisman.
The phone flashed:
---
[ITEM UNLOCKED: EMERGENCY CLEANING TALISMAN]
Effect: Cleans up most messes instantly
Side Effect: May summon tiny mop demons
Cooldown: 24 hours
---
A scroll appeared in my hand, inked with twirling blue characters. I unrolled it, snapped my fingers, and a gust of lemon-scented wind whooshed through the shop. The mess vanished. The hamster was instantly washed, the chick fluffed up into a ball of static, and the inspector's shoes shined to a mirror gleam.
Charlie's mum gawked. The hamster stared in horror at its pristine paws. The chick strutted.
"Is that… legal?" the inspector muttered, now both impressed and furious.
The phone buzzed again:
---
[NEW CUSTOMER ALERT]
Queue: 5 mortals, 2 cultivators, 1 unknown (possible rival shop agent)
System Event: Shop Promotion — High-traffic hour unlocked!
Prepare for chaos.
---
The bell dinged. A man with a clipboard, a woman in yoga pants, a teenager with a suspiciously glowing backpack, and two men in identical robes peered inside. The hamster union hissed, clutching the Mystery Egg's cracked shell like a relic.
Charlie's mum stepped back, suddenly looking very, very tired. "Charlie. You're coming home. Now."
Charlie hugged his bowl. "But Bubbles likes it here! Look, he just made a bubble shaped like your car!"
The chick chirped, leaped onto her bag, and began pecking at the barcode on a loaf of bread, which promptly turned into toast.
The phone gave me another mission:
---
[HEART MOMENT REQUIRED]
Objective: Help the parent with a real problem
Options:
Offer system coupon
Listen, actually listen
Use hamster as emotional support
Reward: Parental gratitude, reduced council complaint risk
---
I glanced at Charlie's mum, at her hands (trembling), at the circles under her eyes. The shop, for a heartbeat, was quiet.
I said, "Look—I know today's been a bit… intense. But your kid really loves his pets. And the system… well, it's weird, but it's safe. He saved a bunny, now a guppy. And if you ever need help with council stuff, I have—" I produced a coupon for "1 Free Bureaucracy Evacuation," signed by the inspector's own pen.
She looked at it, looked at me, then actually—almost—smiled. "Just one favor. No more phoenixes."
"I'll try," I said, as the chick attempted to set fire to the coupons.
---
[SYSTEM: HEART MOMENT SUCCESSFUL]
Parental Gratitude: +20
Council Complaint Risk: -30%
Hamster Union Approval: +1
---
The queue began to grow. The rival shop agent snapped a photo. The phone pinged with a fresh system warning.
---
[SYSTEM WARNING: SHOP EVENT — MIDNIGHT PET AUCTION APPROACHES]
Objective: Prepare the shop. Survive.
Timer: 02:00:00
Bonus: Auction Winner may choose any shop pet (except hamster leader).
---
The hamster union leader immediately taped a "NOT FOR SALE" sign to its own cage. The chick attempted to eat it.
The inspector took one look at the line, the phoenix, the hamster, the dragon guppy, and walked out the door, muttering, "I'm transferring to the licensing office."
Charlie's mum took her son's hand, pausing at the threshold. "If anything… magical happens, can I call you?"
I handed her a card. "Any time. Day or night. We offer bulk rates on flood damage."
Bubbles did a celebratory backflip.
The phone buzzed a last warning as the queue swelled and the system timer ticked down:
---
[CLIFFHANGER: MIDNIGHT AUCTION INCOMING]
Next Chapter: Survive the bidding, the phoenix, and the hamster union's first labor dispute.
---
I squared my shoulders as the hamster union locked arms, the chick threatened the ceiling lamp, and the shop filled with the chaos of a pet shop on the edge of legend.
---