5. "SENTIMENTAL"
Just because I'm not the type that cries, I still get emotional sometimes but I just cry my tears through the pen because that's the way God made me to be. There's a lot of things that I never talk about, so after some time, those hidden scars find their own way to expose themselves in a detrimental way.
Last night I was just thinking about everything, the questions that she's never answered, the things that I wrote for her, the stuff that she didn't listen to and the times she could've shown me more but she didn't.
From the young age, I've stayed away fro building anything with anybody because I've always had abandonment issues and when the only person that I trusted with my heart turned her back on me as if I never meant a thing to her, it hurt me deep but I didn't deal with that pain.
Last night I said things that I don't mean, I said things that I shouldn't have said and I let my anger get the better of me, I lashed out on her because of my own emotions and that's not a good thing.
Just because I'm not the type of a guy who cries, it doesn't mean I don't get emotional over the things that have brought me pain in the past, I just hold back my tears and cry through this pen."
6. "EPISODE EIGHTEEN"
These are all the words from all the girls that I've hurt in my attempts to move on. So many people have witnessed my pain and not because I put it on display but because it's all in my actions, I've hurt so many god people because of the things I haven't took time to deal with.
Bee: "You ruined me for everybody, nothing and no one excites me like you did"
Resho: "I love you, seeing you this miserable makes me sad"
Thandiwe: "You've been quiet and mellow the whole day, you're good?"
Sego: "Please face the pain and heal from it, before you ruin yourself"
Nicole: "I can't be in your life, not when you're like this because you're hurting me too"
Refiloe: "I think you need a break from love"
Lovely: "What changed you? I miss the old Teddy"
Samu: "Everytime you do something, you blame it on your unending issues"
Bontle: "Even though you are fucked up, I care about you"
Zee: "It hurts me seeing you doing this to yourself"
7. "BAD NEWS"
"I tried being there for you but it seemed as if you weren't interested, so I left you alone", that's what she said to me and she ain't the first girl to say that, it's crazy to me that so many bad shit has happened in such a little bit of time, I've been nothing but bad news to every good thing.
I always wake up to another thing that I don't wanna have after a night of bad decisions, something is controlling my choices and it's really making me seem like the pandora's box that everybody has been seeing me as.
After one night, she started demanding communication and commitment, "You saying that you're rusty is an understatement, you just don't give a fuck", that's what she said and I just can't have that type of energy in my bubble, she can't expect me to give her more when we were just starting.
8. "EVERYTHING OVER ONE THING"
I never knew that one kiss would change my life, all it took was one breakup and then everything in my world fell apart, now I'm living everyday trying to heal this pain but each day becomes harder.
I'm stressing, sleepless, fucked up, restless and lost in misery, darkness and emptiness, hoping for a turning point yet I keep going around the same circles. I'm trying to do better, I pray and hope for the best but I'm just a mess.
If I could smoke a blunt, drink alcohol or hit a line, I would because it hurts to see myself living like this, day after day, I'm facing the same misery, feeling so alone in this entire world.Lost everything over one thing, now I'm living with nothing, so much rage fuming inside, I try to keep positive and thug it out but the truth of the matter is that I'm a mess.