"PRELUDDE"
I used to reach out to people that didn't need to hear from me anymore, I used to invite anybody to my misery parties, wake up to consequences of my decisions, everybody lives and forgets but I've been living around the same damn circle.
I never imagined that I would living such a stagnant livestyle, I'm good looking but it doesn't feel like that 'cause like every other handsome nigga out there, I should be having a young lady in my life.
Even my uncle is asking me why don't I have a lady friend, I can't live like this, we all need companionship, especially when you're in your twenties, struggling to find your path in this world..
"WEAKER"
I used to..
I used to be a happy soul,
I used to have more good days than bad days,
I used to have things that'd make me smile,
I used to know what kind of music makes me feel better,
I used to know how to figure out my emotions,
I used to have no troubles with lust,
I used to need nothing from anybody,
I used to..
I used to be stronger than what I am now,
I am weaker now,
I used to be closer to God,
Now I live a dark life,
I used to..
"ADDICTION"
All I got is myself,nobody is real enough in my eyes and my insticts never mislead me,which keeps reminding me that God still got my best interest at heart,all I got to my name is my mind,body,heart and soul.
There is nobody pouring into me,I keep myself close to my creator by saying a Prayer every single night but my life sends me challenges every day,so I tend to forget what's good for me and then I fall back onto my addiction.
Is the addiction bad for me if it calms me down,if it helps with my stress,if it makes me feel less lonely,is it bad for me if it makes me feel good,if it makes me forget about everything for a moment,is my addiction bad if it helps me?
Some mornings I wake up feeling so down,the music and movies don't work in those moments,some moments I need a hug and nobody is there to come to rescue and most times I find myself feeling a huge emotion of pain and sometimes writing doesn't manage to alleviate the pain,that's when I lean on to my addiction.
All I was taught was to believe in God,maybe I should Pray next time my shoulders feel heavy,maybe I should I kneel down and talk to god about it next time my heart reminisces of the lost things.
"TOUGH SKIN"
I grew up in a house full of kids and different personalities, I grew up always having to find a place, if it wasn't a girl, it would be writing but sometimes I would just ride my bike until I couldn't feel the struggle anymore.
I had no friends growing up, the only form of friends I made is girls, I grew up only imagining what it's like to have a Playstation 3 and to have a driving experience, at some point I stopped thinking about what I couldn't have, I created a safe space for myself and that's writing. It helped me fight a lot of battles that would be the death of me if it wasn't for writing.
I grew up sleeping on the floor, always getting flashed in the eyes because it would be three of us in a same room, privacy, space and privilege is something I don't know. I grew up in a house with two disable people, two Grandma's favourite grandkids and a grandma's favourite daughter, I've seen, felt and heard so many evil shit.
I was held at gunpoint and mugged when I was 18 years old, I grew up as a hothead, rough around the edges, seen my uncle at his lowest, seen him being challenged in his relationship, for some reason I've always been aware and observant of so many shit around me.
I was raised by a mother that couldn't be affectionate, so imagine how hard that shit was for a little boy, especially if you're under the same roof, now imagine how that shit affected the kind of person I am to women and how I perceive love.
I've never been at a better place in my whole life, it was always a struggle, it was always a room to get out of, the only thing I was and am great at is writing.
Pain and misery is all I've ever known, love, happiness, freedom and prosperity is nothing I'm familiar with.. I guess that sums up what kinda nigga I am because of the pain that's in my chest.
"I'LL BE WAITING"
Times waits for no man but great things come to those who wait and while the world and everybody in it gets lost in the chase, I'll be waiting for what's meant for me, no matter how lonely it gets when I got nobody to tell these thoughts to, I'll be waiting for the love that's meant for me.
Whenever the time is right for me, I'll do it for all the times I didn't have it, I've seen the darkest sides of loneliness and misery, so when the time is right, I'll be ready to receive.
"HOLD"
I've done spent nights of months all alone, with nobody to talk to, with zero texts, went almost two years without a phonecall, I've been alone as if I'm just a shadow, so if I ever find what's mean for me, I'm gonna hold on to it tight.
I'm gonna greet her with a hug everytime, I'm gonna let her know that I appreciate her, kiss her face, forehead and lips, I'm gonna rub her feet, hold her hands and let her know how I feel every damn time.
Anything to show my gratitude, I'm not too proud to be in love, I just can't let myself get played nor hurt by somebody, I'm too deep when it comes to love and emotions.
I'm gonna save us from every possibility of an ending, in every way I possibly can, I'm gonna rub her hair, rub her back when she needs to be treated like a big baby, I'm gonna be present in every moment and reserve my love only for her.
Things like that will keep me away from the times I've been living in, once I find somebody who cares about me, I'm gonna be good to her and I'll hold on to her offerings so tight.
So many people got good girls and healthy love yet they still fuck up.. that's not gonna be me when it's my time to be loved.