Carnivorous plants infested the forest. Their rubbery vines whipped out at us from the shadows as we passed, determined to yank us into their gaping maw to dissolve our corpses in belly ooze and feed their growth.
"Gross," Penelope whimpered, using a few leaves to wipe bright green plant sap off her armour. "Why is everything in this dungeon so revolting?"
Mudge chewed on a stalk of vine. "It ain't all bad."
"Actually, it mostly is," she pouted.
The Abomination roughly plucked some flowers off the dead plant before ripping up some of its roots from the slime-drenched soil.
Then he used a small knife to start hacking at surrounding bushes and dumping twigs, leaves, and crumpled weeds into his spatial bag.
Herbs, he called them.
He did all this while humming happily.
At least one of us was cheerful, I thought.
For me, it wasn't the plants which were annoying.
It was the bugs.
The endless swarms of midges which zoomed out of the shadows and tried to feast on my skin. Already I had more than my fair share of itchy bites and was feeling grumpier by the minute.
When he was satisfied he'd looted as much plant matter as he could, we continued onward and eventually came to a small sparkling stream.
Penelope gave a pleased sigh and trotted towards the promise of a clean bath.
"I wouldn't if I were you," Mudge called. "You'll rust yer armour."
"I don't care! I'd rather be rusty and clean."
"You say that now. But rust is itchy."
A splash of water cut them both off as a pretty woman rose seductively from the depths. She had a bright smile, wide eyes like two gorgeous pools, and was completely naked so there was no way to mistake her curves for anything other than pure natural beauty.
Her expression was delicate and kind and she lifted an arm to me.
Finger beckoning.
Promising a night of delightful pleasure unlike any I'd ever had before.
"Oh, get out of my way, you watery tart," Penelope snapped, thrusting a fist through the creature's face.
The naiad managed a startled shriek before her head exploded.
I blinked as Penelope started scrubbing at her armour by the edge of the stream. "Well, that's one way to deal with them, I suppose."
Mudge edged closer to the stream, eyeing the corpse curiously.
"Don't you dare," I said, wagging a finger at him.
"What? I wasn't."
"If I find any naiad bits in a pie or a stew, Mudge, I'll be very cross indeed."
Penelope glanced at the Abomination. "Mudge! You wouldn't! Eww!"
"I wasn't gonna!" He held up his hands defensively. "I was just checking. Who knows what she might have on her."
"Mudge, she's naked," Penelope sighed. "Where was she gonna carry anything? Actually. You know what? Don't answer that."
The Abomination grumbled to himself as he moved away from the stream and started collecting more weeds.
I stood around, watching my two minions as a feeling began to bubble in my belly.
A feeling fraught with danger.
It wasn't a feeling I liked. It made me do reckless things.
But the forest on either side of us felt oppressive, though nothing in it could harm us in any way. The stream was now stained with naiad blood and sticky plant goo from Penelope's armour so I couldn't even get a cool drink.
I had nothing to do.
Nothing to say.
I was in fact completely and utterly bored.
"Look! Boss! I found a Violet Moonrose!" Mudge came lumbering back towards me, holding his precious flower in his hand. "Penny! Look!"
"Penelope," the Death Knight hissed. "My name is Penelope. I keep telling you."
"Whatever. Look!"
The Death Knight lifted her gaze towards the flower.
It was a pretty thing, I admit. The shades of violet flowed from pale to dark across every one of its countless petals. It also glittered as it caught the rays of false sunlight from above.
"Yes, Mudge," I said. "That's very nice."
"What's its magical properties?" Penelope asked, now curious.
"Huh?" Mudge gave her a puzzled look. "Whatcha mean?"
"Well, surely it's good for something?"
"Don't think so."
"Then what's so special about it?"
"Well, it's pretty, innit?" The big Abomination grinned at her, his delight like that of a child's.
"I guess so," she said.
"And it smells nice, too."
"I wouldn't know," she said, looking away. "I can't smell remember."
"I'll smell it for you," he said, unphased.
"Does it taste good?"
"Don't know." He thrust the flower into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. Closed his eyes. Chewed some more. Then spat it out. "Nope. Tastes horrible."
"Let's move on," I said as I heard the distant sound of buzzing which usually turned into an angry swarm of midges. "Before I open a portal and send the whole wretched place into the void just to be done with it."
I felt the Old Twit twitch at that one.
He liked dungeons.
Especially Dungeon Cores.
He liked the way they crunched between his teeth.
We found the second level's boss not long after leaving the stream. I stared at the creature, a growing sense of disgust gnawing at my gut.
A giant midge.
Bigger even than Mudge.
This was not the foe of a gentleman. No self-respecting Adventurer should have to wade through plant guts and the crude temptation of naiads only to find themselves facing an oversized insect.
The wings buzzed as it hovered in the centre of the clearing. Its beady eyes rippled and flames danced across its giant back.
One stage would be wind, judging by its wings. It'd build up small tornados.
Then at a later stage of the fight, it would merge fire into the tornados to create firestorms.
Mudge charged the thing with a joyful roar. "Buuuuug!"
And was walloped in the face by a tornado.
He whirled within it, letting out a giddy giggle. "Stop! It tickles!"
The midge figured Mudge was out of it for a moment and sent a few tornados swirling towards us. They kicked up dust and debris.
Squealing, the Death Knight next to me tumbled away from them. Clearly not wanting to get anything on her nice clean armour.
"Don't worry, Penelope," I said. "I've got it."
Portals snapped around each tornado, the Old Twit calmly pulling them into the void and giving them a bit of a study. He was always interested in dungeon magic. He licked one of the tornados and I felt a flash of delight go through him as it fizzed one of his countless tongues.
Mudge popped out of the tornado, spinning dizzily. His eyes rolled in his head and he grinned crazily at the insect. "Woah! Do it again!"
I gave my own eyes a roll and murmured, "Infix Inna M'ff," to tear open a hole under the midge.
Tentacles wrapped around its body in an instant.
If it had eyelids, it might have had time to blink. But it didn't.
The void portal snapped shut around it with a wet crunch while Mudge turned to me with disappointment on his face. "But I wanted to play with it."
"We don't have time for that sort of nonsense," I said. "I would like to get Clover's grass and get out of here as soon as possible."
"But-"
"Please, Mudge?" Penelope skipped daintily across the clearing. "It's awful in here."
"Alright," he said, lumbering over to the nearby weeds and giving a few a half-hearted tug. "It's just… I don't get out of the tower very much, you know…"
I put my fingers to my temples.
I was getting a headache now.
"Very well. Mudge, if you can try to be quick about it, you can clear the next level on your own."
"Really?" He looked back over his shoulder, eyes wide with hope.
"Only if you're quick."
"Trust me, boss," he said solemnly. "I'll go all out. It'll be fun."
"Hmm."
I didn't trust the Abomination's idea of fun.
No sane person would.
"There's another message, sir," Penelope said, pointing to the sand in front of the portal down.
I stepped up beside her and looked down.
This is your last chance! Turn back now or face the Dragon!
"Well," I said. "A Dragon. That'll make Mudge happy."