Mudge's grin almost reach both ears as he stood heaving in front of the Dragon.
Covered from head to toe in dark green blood spilled by thousands of lizardmen, whose racial characteristics were as poorly formed as the orks, he had the look of an Abomination who'd be remembering this day for years to come.
Penelope stood behind me.
She thought I hadn't noticed how she'd been using me as a shield against Mudge's gleeful assaults which more often than not caused dramatic arcing sprays of gore to fly in all directions.
Sprays I endured, because I was a gentleman and Penelope, despite her appearance, was still a lady.
The Dragon hadn't yet noticed us. That's the thing with dungeon-spawned creatures. They just sit there like biscuits until you get close enough. Then they go berserk with mindless ferocity.
Shaking my head at the massive creature, I couldn't help but wonder if this Dungeon Core was inexperienced or deliberately offensive. Dragons would never lay about on a pile of gold like this. Gold meant nothing to them.
What could they do with it?
They had no shops to spend it in.
And it was uncomfortable to sit on.
"This sort of thing only happens in stories," I muttered.
Mudge cracked his slippery knuckles, squeezing blood between his fingers. "Mind if I kill it, boss? I always wanted to off a dragon. Its teef will look great around my neck, too."
"If you have to," I sighed. "Try to keep its Fire Organ intact, though. I'm sure Clover will make use of it."
"I'll do me best," he promised, lumbering toward the big lizard.
Which cracked open one big yellow eye. Smoke drifted from its nostrils.
Really.
Did the Dungeon Core think it had a fireplace up its nose?
"Utter absurdity."
Penelope glanced my way. "Sir?"
"Nothing," I said. "I'm just a little disappointed. The last time I was here, it didn't feel so… primitive. It's like the Dungeon Core has had its intelligence scooped out and an unhealthy portion of stupid put in its place. I mean, just look at that dragon. It's silly."
"It looks scary to me."
"Scary?" I blinked at it as it reared out of Mudge's swinging fist. "How can it be scary?"
"Well, it's got big teeth. Big claws. And a lot of muscle."
"So? It's not never casting any magic! Dragon magic is the most potent on the planet. Yet, it's just going to vomit fire on Mudge? Dragons don't breathe fire in the first place. They cast fire spells just like any other mage." I tried not to stamp my foot in frustration as the beast let out a deep-throated roar. "And what's that stupid sound? Honestly! This is all so… so mookish!"
The dragon raked its claws over Mudge's head.
The Abomination ducked.
Then ploughed into the beast's side, his fist pounding into the dragon's scaled ribs.
Several scales shattered, splinters of them landing among the piles of gold with a heavy metallic crash.
"And Dragon Scales don't break!" I shouted at the ceiling. "What is wrong with you? Haven't you even seen a dragon before?"
Thunder rolled across the sky and lightning flickered in the distance.
I pointed at it with an angry finger. "Don't you talk to me like that! And I'll dump you into the void if you so much as even think about raining on me."
The thunder cut off quickly as the clouds rapidly dispersed.
"Sir, is it a good idea to upset the dungeon?"
"Why not?" I scowled. "Nobody cares if it upsets me, do they?"
Mudge smashed both fists into the dragon's ribs, causing it to try slapping him with its wings. He chortled with glee, ignoring them entirely.
"Use your claws, you stupid animal!" I screamed at the dragon. "That's what they're for! Honestly, the whole thing is giving me a headache. If it starts using its wings to huff up some gold before shooting them at us, I'm going to… well. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll do it. What are you doing? Don't slap him! Grab him! You have thumbs, don't you?"
"Do we really want it to kill Mudge, sir?"
"Don't be ridiculous," I said, pulling out my biscuit jar. "There's no chance of that. It takes more than a pretend dragon to kill an Abomination."
Crunching into my biscuit, I offered one to my Death Knight, but she shook her head. "Thank you, sir. But I don't have a mouth."
"What?" I frowned. "Did I forget to give you a mouth?"
"I wasn't criticizing…"
"Well, I am." I rolled my eyes as the dragon tried to whip Mudge with its tail. "If I let you speak, I should let you eat. Remind me to fix that for you when we get home."
"Really?"
"Of course! Where's the fun in life if you can't eat biscuits?"
"Well, it'd be nice to try them, I think…"
"Bite his head off!" I roared, waving my arms. "It's right there in front of you!"
The dragon instead chose to rear on its hind legs and suck in a deep breath.
"He's an Abomination, you stupid lizard! He's immune to fire!"
Flames blew from the dragon's raging maw, encasing Mudge in blistering heat.
Which did nothing more than make him giggle even more.
My chef was delirious as he barrelled into the dragon's exposed belly and hammered it with his fists. The dragon yelped like a dog.
"Stupid dungeon," I muttered. "Hurry up, Mudge. I think it's had enough."
"Aww…"
The dragon scrambled to defend itself from the Abomination's sudden flurry of blows. Each strike from Mudge's fist blew chunks of scale and flesh out of its body which made it appear as though he was dismantling the creature piece by piece.
It batted at the Abomination like a cat pawing a mouse it was uncertain of sinking its claws into. This hesitation on caused Mudge to give up on defence entirely and wind himself up for one big punch.
Pressure began to build around us, swirling towards the Abomination pulling power from his surroundings.
"Hmm," I said, holding up my hand. "Puh'ta Fran Gr'ohn."
The protective barrier swept over me and I forcibly extended it to cover Penelope as the Abomination whirled his fist to collect the incoming energy. His mouth opened in a fierce roar that made the dragon flinch.
Penelope let out a squeak and grabbed my arm. "What's happening to him?"
"The fool is trying to use one of his skills," I said. "Doom Punch."
"Will it kill the dragon?"
"Definitely," I scowled. "And us along with it if he's not careful."
The air howled as necromantic energy built into a singularity of swirling black around the Abomination's meaty fist.
Then there was a moment of silence.
As though the whole dungeon held its breath in awe.
"Night night," Mudge said with a titter.
Then his fist cruised into the dragon's side.
The singularity burst.
The explosion rocked the ground, causing Penelope and I to tumble awkwardly against each other as we tried to keep our balance. Writhing, the dungeon's floor cracked and split. But instead of soil beneath, sparks of electricity snapped and crackled as the ground shattered and reformed as it tried to endure the destructive force of Mudge's punch.
The dragon itself had turned to mist.
The mountain behind it had been blown away.
Leaving a gaping black nothingness.
The torn shreds of the dungeon around the darkness struggled to close while Mudge stood on the edge of the wide empty expanse and lifted his arms to roar wordlessly into the depths of the dungeon's body.
I could feel the Dungeon Core's pain as it heaved against the aftershock.
Lightning ripped across the open wound, sealing it with a layer of rock that lacked any attempt to blend in with its surroundings. Triage at its finest, I thought as I bit into another biscuit to enjoy the soft pop of chocolate chips.
Mudge panted, not out of exhaustion, but with excitement at having unleashed his power for the first time in many years. I admit it was quite nice to see him enjoying himself.
And then, across the freshly formed wall, letters slowly carved themselves into the stone.
Please! Enough! Leave me alone!
I looked up at the wall and pursed my lips.
"We want Velvet Grass," I told the wall. "And lots of it."
"And Verdant Ostritch feathers!" Penelope called, peeping out from behind me. "I don't need that many. Maybe thirty?"
Anything! Here! Take it all!
In front of us, the air glittered with golden sparks before carefully-bundled stalks of Velvet Grass piled up in neat stacks beside a crate full of feathers.
I eyed the stacks critically and nodded. "It will do for now."
What else do you want???
"I would like to meet someone," I said with a calm smile. "Another party is currently in one of your Instances. I would like them to be brought here."
Which party?
"Lady Penterberry's party," I said. I definitely didn't snigger. Gentlemen don't snigger.
And then you will leave?
"After that, we will discuss your creative failings and the laziness of using cliché and stereotype in level design."
The dungeon didn't need to reply.
I could feel its dread.
And that was enough to bring the cackle out of me.