The first level of any dungeon is usually the simplest, and the first level of the Gluttonous Hollow was no exception.
Mudge calmly stomped small goblin creatures while Penelope picked her way carefully through the gore as she tried to avoid getting muck on her armour.
I stood behind them, resisting the urge to put my hands on my hips. It wasn't a very gentlemanly pose, so I tried not to do it.
But this sort of nonsense was why I avoided dungeons in the first place.
"Honestly," I muttered. "Only children would find this exciting."
"Eek!" Penelope's squeal was sharp and feminine. A goblin's crushed body had squirted blood over her ankle. "Mudge! Watch where you're stomping!"
"Sorry, Penny," he said sheepishly. "Got a bit carried away."
She waggled her foot, trying to lose as much of the offending goblin juice as she could. "Ugh! It's so disgusting. If I'd known it was going to be this bad, I wouldn't have come."
"Heads up," Mudge called, snatching a goblin from the ground and flinging it at an incoming troll. "Boss is here."
The troll took the goblin to the face before letting out a crazed screech.
Which I thought was very racist of the dungeon.
Trolls don't act like this at all. I've met several trolls over the years and they were all very polite. None of them would wander around with goblins while wearing the tattered skins of Adventurers.
It just wasn't the sort of primitive nonsense they'd engage in.
I considered going down and having a good long talk to the Dungeon Core about the social impact of perpetuating such gross stereotypes.
Mudge put his fist through the troll's head, which exploded and sent shrapnel of blood, bone, and brain in all directions. Including towards Penelope, who scooted out of the incoming wave with a frustrated squeal. "Mudge! You did it again!"
"Sorry!"
I took the long way around the carnage to avoid getting muck on my shoes. While I knew it was inevitable that I'd get covered from head to toe in gore eventually, I felt Level One was a bit too early for such shenanigans.
"Anything good on him, Mudge?"
"Legendary sword," the chef said, tossing it over his shoulder. The glowing weapon stuck proudly into the earth, vibrating with energy and power.
"So, nothing then." I sighed. "How disappointing."
Continuing on, we followed the trail through a mountainous pass which led to a village of orcs whose heads were decorated with wolf skulls strapped to their bonces like hats. The stink of drying leather and greasy meat drifted on bitter smoke.
Mudge frowned. "Smells like they're smoking Batcha Weed," he said.
I nodded.
This Dungeon Core really did like to lean hard into its prejudices.
"Ay!" An orc eyed us with bleary bloodshot eyes. His goofy face suddenly came alive with hunger and he smacked his lips. "Hoomies! Eat da hoomies!"
Orcs poured out of the surrounding tents.
All male.
All with dark green skin.
All wearing flaps of leather over their crotches and nothing else except those stupid skulls on their heads.
Their weapons were long thigh bones and heavy sticks.
I sighed. "This is getting ridiculous."
Mudge backslapped the first orc to get near. Shrugging, he started laying into the throng. "Well, nothing we can do about it, boss. Ain't our dungeon."
"Hmm."
One orc managed to slip past Mudge and ran at Penelope. He ran like a lunatic, lifting his knees too high. "Hoomie woman! Me rape!"
"That's quite enough of that," I said as Penelope let out a little scream. I waved my arm and space around the orc bent and twisted. The orc dropped to the ground in a puddle of unidentifiable goo. "Penelope, you're a Death Knight, remember?"
"Not anymore," she whimpered back. "I'm a maid now, sir. Maids don't fight. Do they?"
"Some might," I said. "If they were being threatened with rape by a mooky dungeon."
"Oh." She scratched her helm. "I'll try to remember that, sir."
I glanced to where Mudge was stomping on the last orc he could find. "It's not important, I guess. Mudge is doing a good enough job at stemming the flow."
The Abomination held an orc by its arm while it squirmed.
Its wordless gibberish mingled with monkeylike hoots.
"This one tried to pinch me bum," Mudge said. "What's that all about?"
"Just finish it up so we can get through the boss to the next level," I told him.
"Right you are, boss."
He flung the orc away.
It arced with a high-pitched squeal which rivalled Penelope's best. A squeal which was cut off with a loud wet thump as it was smeared across a nearby wall.
"Gross," Penelope said, but I wasn't sure her heart was in it.
"Ah," a deep voice rumbled from the largest tent. "Fresh meat!"
Then a giant orc about twice the size of Mudge barrelled out of the tent. In one hand, he held a tree trunk decorated with iron spikes. In the other, the torso of one of the last Adventurers to get this far. He took a long bite out of it.
Mudge winced. "Yer supposed to cook it first," he told the orc.
"Why?"
"Tastes better if you sprinkle some rosemary on it. And butter."
"Don't know what dat is," the orc growled. "Sounds dumb."
"You're dumb."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
"Say again!"
"You're dumb."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
"Say again!"
I put a hand to my head. "Can we hurry this along, Mudge? I don't want to be here all day."
"Me neither," Penelope said, lifting her feet high to cross a puddle of gore.
"Sorry," Mudge said, blushing a little. "Felt a bit nostalgic there for a moment."
He punched the orc in the belly.
The orc took the punch and, for a moment, started to grin. He leaned down to peer at Mudge in a condescending way I knew the Abomination would find mildly offensive. "You hit like girl."
Mudge's second punch blasted into the orc's head.
The orc's head disappeared into a red mist which sprayed across the tent behind him.
The body twitched.
Then fell at Mudge's feet.
The Abomination gave it a disappointed nudge with his foot. "Two hits? That's it?"
"I'm surprised it took two," I said, genuinely surprised.
"Well, first was only a friendly tap, I guess. You know. Just a way to say hello." He rummaged through the orc's corpse looking for loot. "Didn't expect his jaw to be so weak."
"It's only the first level," I reminded him.
"You reckon it'll get any harder?"
"Not by much."
"Pity." He pulled out a glowing staff. I could feel the magic oozing from it. "Mythic level, boss. Staff of Stars, it says."
"Mythic?" I squinted at the thing. "In here?"
"Bit odd," Mudge agreed.
"Hmm." I watched him prepare to toss it away. Then had a thought flit into my brain. "Hold on. Let's give it to one of the ladies. They might find some use for it."
"Oh, yeah," he smiled widely as he handed it over. "Good idea!"
We made our way behind the village to where a small cave waited in the cliff behind. It led to the second level.
Darkness swallowed us and Penelope pulled out a small torch which she held high so we could see. I was fairly sure neither of my undead minions needed it, but I gave the Death Knight a smile. "Thank you, Penelope. That's very considerate of you."
"You're welcome," she said with a shy curtsy.
As we approached the glowing portal leading to the next level, I saw something odd in the sand in front of it.
Writing.
Large letters in a font which showed something primitive had been here.
Do not go any further or I will destroy you, void mage.
Mudge carefully read each word aloud. "Well. That's a bit rude, innit?"
"Yes," I said, my eyes narrowing to the barest of slits. I wasn't particularly fond of threats. Especially not those found in the dirt in front of a dungeon portal. "Yes, it is."