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"Okay. So where is your reproductive organ?"
Klaus stood up from the examination table and, without hesitation, unbuttoned his pants and dropped them to the floor.
Nox stared.
He had seen human anatomy before. He'd read medical textbooks. He'd performed surgeries. He knew the standard measurements and variations. He'd even heard humans use slang terms for the male genitalia that weren't too obvious in polite conversation.
But he had never seen one this big.
Holy shit. How big is this thing?
"If you ever lost a leg," Nox said before he could stop himself, "you could use it to walk instead."
"Huh?"
"Sorry. Some thoughts just slipped out."
PFFFFFFFFFFT (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧*
I'M DYING. I'M ACTUALLY DYING. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY EXISTENCE. ☆⌒(≧▽° )
"Use it to walk instead" AHAHAHAHAHA (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ
That's a STAND-ing ovation if I ever saw one! 8:::::::D~~~
Shut up.
Never. This is peak comedy. I'm recording this for posterity.
Time to get down to the HARD facts!
What the fuck.
Art. Professional medical documentation. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
You're about to have a very HANDS ON consultation!
Nox cleared his throat, trying to regain some professional composure.
"Okay. Lay down."
Klaus climbed back onto the examination table, his pants still around his ankles. The paper crinkled loudly beneath him.
Nox reached for the Awakening Anesthesia syringe.
"This is going to keep you conscious but paralyzed. You won't feel any pain, but you'll remain aware of what's happening. Standard procedure."
"I understand, Dr. Nox."
The needle slid into Klaus's neck with practiced precision. Klaus's body immediately went rigid, his muscles locking up as the anesthetic took effect.
"Let's begin."
Nox stood beside the table, looking down at Klaus's exposed anatomy. The reproductive organ in question was indeed abnormally large, even accounting for the fact that Klaus was technically a monster wearing human skin.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
He picked up the appendage carefully, holding it with one gloved hand. With the other hand, he pulled off his glove, revealing the palm-mouth underneath.
The circular opening ringed with teeth pulsed once, preparing for the examination.
This is going to be a real BONEUS procedure!
Stop with those.
No can do! This is educational! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Time to get to the MEAT of the matter!
It's a medical examination. Stop making it weird.
I'm just being HARD on you for comedic purposes!
I SAID STOP.
But the situation is so STIFF with tension!
Nox took a deep breath. Then he positioned the palm opening at the tip of Klaus's urethra and extended the needle from the center of the mouth.
And shoved it directly into the opening.
Klaus's entire body convulsed.
And his reproductive organ suddenly became rock hard.
It sprang up like a loaded spring, hitting Nox's plague doctor mask with a solid THWACK.
Nox stumbled backward, his mask knocked slightly askew.
"FUCK!" Nox straightened his mask. "Why are you getting hard, you sick fuck?!"
"S-sorry!" Klaus's voice was strained, fighting against the partial paralysis.
"It's a natural reaction for us! The females have to insert their ovipositor into our urethra to deposit genetic material for reproduction! My body thinks you're trying to mate with me!"
Why the fuck am I learning monster biology here? I didn't go through medical school for this!
Looks like things are really RISING to the occasion! (ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ)
This examination is getting ERECTED with complications!
The patient is really STANDING UP for himself!
This is a real UPSTANDING development! 8::::::::D
I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU.
You can't stop the medical SHAFT! CHOO CHOO! ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)
We're really getting to the HEAD of the problem now!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Nox forced himself to focus on the diagnostic information flowing through the needle. The cellular structure inside the urethra was indeed degraded.
The fission core, which should have been located deeper in the reproductive tract, was barely functional. The organic pathways that would normally facilitate binary fission were collapsing, being replaced by more human like structures.
This was serious. Klaus really was losing his ability to reproduce as a monster.
"Alright," Nox said, retracting the needle.
"I've identified the problem. The fission core is degrading. I'm going to need to perform corrective surgery to repair the damaged tissue and restore functionality."
"You can do that?" Klaus's voice was filled with hope.
"I can try." Nox paused.
"But this is going to be invasive. I'm going to increase the anesthetic dosage. You won't feel any pain, but you'll be able to see everything. Try not to look if it bothers you."
"I... okay."
Nox injected Klaus's neck again with a much larger dose.
"This should fully numb you and paralyze you completely."
Within moments, Klaus's body went completely rigid.
"I can't feel anything. I can't move at all. But I can still see and hear."
"Good. That's how it's supposed to work."
Nox's back split open as 14 tentacles emerged, each one tipped with a circular mouth holding a different surgical tool from the Outer God Surgical Set.
Klaus's eyes went very wide when he saw the tentacles.
"Let's begin the corrective procedure."
The scalpel made the first incision along the dorsal side.
Blood sprayed immediately, arcing through the air in a crimson fountain.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Klaus screamed, his voice raw with terror even though he couldn't feel anything.
"OH GOD! THERE'S BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD!"
"You can't feel it," Nox said calmly, making a second perpendicular incision. The skin peeled back like opening a zipper.
"The anesthetic is working perfectly."
"BUT I CAN SEE IT! I CAN SEE MY OWN INSIDES! THERE'S PINK TISSUE! AND WHITE STUFF! WHAT IS THE WHITE STUFF?!"
"Fascia," Nox replied absently. "Connective tissue."
Why did I become a doctor? Why didn't I just stay in that horror dimension? Why am I doing this?
Hold on tight, doc! (ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿
Time to NAIL this procedure!
Really getting to the CORE of the issue! The HARD CORE!
The forceps clamped onto the exposed tissue, the tiny teeth gripping the slippery flesh. Nox pulled it apart, spreading the incision wider to reveal the urethral wall beneath.
"OH FUCK! OH FUCK! THOSE FORCEPS ARE OPENING ME UP LIKE A BOOK! I CAN SEE THE LAYERS! THERE ARE SO MANY LAYERS!"
"Epidermis, dermis, subcutaneous tissue, Buck's fascia, corpus spongiosum," Nox listed off as he worked.
"Standard anatomy."
Snip snip! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Hope he doesn't get SHAFTED by this surgery!
This is MEMBER-able medical history!
The scalpel made a third incision, this one longitudinal along the urethra itself. The opening revealed the interior passage, and there, embedded in the wall like a gem in raw ore, was the crystalline fission core. It pulsed with a dim, sickly light.
"IS THAT MY FISSION CORE?! IT LOOKS LIKE A DYING STAR! WHY IS IT THAT COLOR?! IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT COLOR!"
"It's degraded," Nox confirmed.
"That's why we're here."
The Chainsaw whirred to life. The teeth spun at impossible speeds, each individual tooth visible as a blur.
"IS THAT A CHAINSAW?! WHY DO YOU HAVE A CHAINSAW?! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BRINGING IT CLOSER!"
"Necrotic tissue removal," Nox explained, carefully guiding the spinning blade to the damaged tissue surrounding the fission core. The moment it made contact, black, degraded flesh was torn away in tiny chunks. Blood and tissue fragments sprayed across Nox's coat. "Very efficient."
" I CAN SEE THE TEETH! EACH INDIVIDUAL TOOTH! THEY'RE TEARING CHUNKS OUT! LITTLE PIECES OF ME ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE!"
Is this what my life has become? Operating on a screaming monster's genitals while a System spams dick puns in my head?
What choices led me to this moment?
Could I have done something different? Become a normal doctor? Worked in a hospital? Had a peaceful life?
You could say this is a CUTTING EDGE procedure! (^▽^)
I could have been an accountant. My Aunt wanted me to be an accountant.
Nox switched to the cauterizing iron. The red hot metal seared the bleeding vessels, filling the air with the acrid smell of burning flesh.
"IS THAT SMOKE?! WHY IS THERE SMOKE?! OH GOD, YOU'RE BURNING ME! I CAN SEE THE SMOKE RISING! IT SMELLS LIKE BARBECUE BUT WORSE!"
"Cauterization prevents excessive blood loss," Nox said, touching the iron to another vessel. It hissed and sizzled.
"Standard procedure."
"THERE'S A SIZZLING SOUND! I CAN HEAR MY OWN FLESH COOKING!"
The multi-dimensional needle came next. It wove through the tissue at angles that shouldn't exist, passing through the urethral wall and emerging from the other side without leaving visible holes.
"WHAT IS THAT NEEDLE DOING?! IT'S GLOWING! IT'S MOVING IN WAYS THAT SHOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE! IT WENT THROUGH MY TISSUE BUT THERE'S NO HOLE! HOW IS THERE NO HOLE?!"
"Multidimensional suturing," Nox explained, creating new pathways for the genetic material that would eventually facilitate binary fission.
"The needle exists in four spatial dimensions simultaneously. Very useful."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! THAT MAKES IT WORSE! PHYSICS DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!"
Getting intimate with the patient! (づ ͡° ³ ͡°)づ
This is some serious PENETRATING medical insight!
Why do I even bother with medical ethics? Why do I pretend this is normal?
A tentacle produced a small vial of regenerative gel. The substance inside glowed with an otherworldly blue light. Nox carefully applied it to the cracked fission core with a precision applicator.
"WHAT IS THAT GLOWING STUFF?! IT'S BLUE! WHY IS IT BLUE?! OH GOD, IT'S SPREADING INTO THE CRACKS! THE CRACKS ARE MOVING! THEY'RE CLOSING LIKE WOUNDS HEALING IN FAST-FORWARD!"
The gel seeped into every fracture, and the crystal began to pulse with renewed vigor. The dim, sickly light transformed into a bright, healthy glow.
"AND NOW MY FISSION CORE IS GLOWING BRIGHTER! IT'S PULSING! I CAN SEE IT PULSING LIKE A HEARTBEAT!"
Klaus continued screaming, now providing far too much visual detail about everything he was witnessing.
"AND THE CHAINSAW IS BACK! IT'S REMOVING MORE TISSUE! I CAN SEE THE INDIVIDUAL CHUNKS FLYING OFF! AND THERE'S ANOTHER TENTACLE WITH A TINY VACUUM! ARE YOU VACUUMING UP THE PIECES?! AND THE FORCEPS HAVE TEETH! WHY DO THE FORCEPS HAVE TEETH?! THEY'RE GRIPPING MY FLESH AND THE TEETH ARE DIGGING IN!"
"Shut the fuck up," Nox said flatly, using the forceps to position a graft of healthy tissue over the repaired area.
"BUT I CAN SEE EVERYTHING! YOU'RE PUTTING NEW TISSUE IN! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?! DID YOU GROW IT?! AND THE MULTI-DIMENSIONAL NEEDLE IS SEWING IT IN PLACE! IT'S GOING THROUGH THE TISSUE IN IMPOSSIBLE ANGLES! I CAN SEE THE THREAD BUT IT'S NOT THREAD, IT'S GLOWING! AND NOW YOU'RE USING THE CAUTERIZING IRON AGAIN! MORE SMOKE! SO MUCH SMOKE! AND—"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Nox repeated, louder this time,
"Or I'm going to shove your dick into your own eye socket!!!!"
Klaus immediately went silent, though his eyes remained wide with horror as he watched the surgery continue. Tears streamed down his face, mixing with the sweat that had broken out across his forehead.
Very hands-on approach! ╰⋃╯ლ(´ڡ`ლ)
Really DRILLING down to the problem!
I can do this all day! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
This procedure is really LONG and HARD!
The surgery continued in blessed silence. Nox worked with mechanical precision, each tentacle performing its designated task in perfect synchronization.
The scalpel trimmed excess tissue. The forceps held structures in place. The needle wove through flesh with impossible geometry. The chainsaw removed degradation. The cauterizing iron sealed vessels. The applicator spread regenerative compounds. The vacuum cleaned the surgical field.
It was a dance of controlled violence, biological modification elevated to grotesque artistry.
This is fine. This is my life now. Monster genital surgery. With a chainsaw. While the patient watches in silent horror. This is fine.
Professional medical ROD-eo! (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞
Get it? Like a rodeo but with a ROD?
I should have become an accountant.
Never! This is my magnum opus! My SHAFT-terpiece!
I'M ON A ROLL! A MEAT ROLL!
This surgery really has some GIRTH to it!
My Aunt was right. I should have listened to my Aunt.
Blood pooled on the examination table, dripping onto the floor with rhythmic plops. The smell was overwhelming: burned flesh, antiseptic, and the copper tang of blood mixed with something organic and alien.
Klaus watched it all with horrified fascination, tears streaming down his face, jaw clenched shut.
SPLASH! MONEY SHOT OF MEDICAL EXCELLENCE! ~~~
You're doing a BANG-UP job, doc!
I could be doing taxes right now. Nice, quiet taxes. But no. Here I am.
After forty-five minutes of intensive reconstruction, Nox finally began the closing procedure. The multi-dimensional needle wove through the layers, creating stitches that existed in perfect alignment across multiple planes of reality. Each layer was closed separately: urethra, corpus spongiosum, Buck's fascia, subcutaneous tissue, dermis, epidermis.
The wound closed like a zipper in reverse, the incisions disappearing to leave only thin surgical lines.
Professional WOOD doctor! (ಠ ͜ʖಠ)
REPRODUCTIVE PHYSICIAN! ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Nox retracted all ten tentacles back into his body. The surgical tools disappeared into the mouths before the tentacles vanished beneath his coat.
"Done," Nox announced.
Klaus lay there, still paralyzed, face soaked with tears and sweat.
"The surgery was successful. Your fission core has been repaired and reinforced. You should be able to reproduce normally now."
Klaus's eyes closed in relief.
Maybe this job isn't so bad after all.
Who am I kidding. This job is terrible.
Congratulations, Nox! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧*
You successfully performed reproductive surgery! 8::::D
On a monster's BABY MAKER!
With a CHAINSAW!
Talk about CUTTING EDGE medicine!
Achievement Unlocked: "THE MEMBER WHISPERER" 8:::::D
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧ REPRODUCTIVE SUCCESS! ✧ﾟ･: ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)
COMPLETION ACHIEVED! ~~~ 8::::::D
REWARD NOTHING
You really HAMMERED out a solution!
I need a drink.
You love me really~ ♡(ӦｖӦ｡)
This was a real HARD day's work!
I hate everything about this.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SURGICAL SUCCESS! (͡° ل͜ ͡°)
THIS HAS BEEN: THE REPRODUCTIVE RESTORATION SHOW!
STARRING: DR. NOX AND THE MONSTER MEMBER!
You really NAILED IT!
This surgery was absolutely BALLSY!
A real STAND-UP performance!
SHUT. UP.
Never! This was too much FUN! (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
You could say this was a HARD-won victory!
I'm here all week! TIP your surgeon! Just the TIP!
OH MY FUCKING FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK