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Eldritch Horror? No, I'm A Doctor
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Fuck. Finally. It's over.
Nox stepped back from the examination table, pulling off his bloodied gloves and tossing them into a nearby waste bin. The surgery had taken nearly an hour, and every second of it had been accompanied by either Klaus screaming in terror or the System making increasingly inappropriate jokes in his head.
He was exhausted.
Klaus lay on the table, still paralyzed but visibly relieved. Tears had dried on his face, leaving salt tracks down his cheeks. His eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"Thank you so much, Doctor Nox," Klaus said, his voice hoarse from all the screaming. "Now I can breed again. I can continue my species. I thought I'd lost everything, but you saved me."
Nox nodded absently, already thinking about what he'd need to do to clean up the examination room. There was blood everywhere. On the table, on the floor, splattered across his coat. Some had even gotten on the ceiling somehow.
Should I change my clinic sign to 'Doctor and Veterinarian'? I just performed surgery on a monster. That technically counts as veterinary medicine, right?
Stop it. Don't you dare.
Oh, now you're talking normally? What happened to all those emoticons?
Do you want me to change your class name to "Veterinarian of the Ruin Gospel"? Just thinking about the name makes me cringe. It sounds so stupid.
Ha! You stopped using emoticons! You fuck!
What are you talking about?
Nox's lips curled into a mischievous smile behind his plague doctor mask.
And what are you gonna do about it, you fucking cunt? How about I actually change my profession to veterinarian? I'll specialize in monster reproductive health. I'll open a clinic specifically for creatures with identity crises. 'Dr. Nox's Monster Fertility Clinic.' Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
You wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I? I can feel it now. The class change. 'Veterinarian of the Ruin Gospel.' I'll treat diseased hell hounds. I'll neuter demons. I'll give vaccinations to eldritch abominations. Every single patient will be a monster, and you'll have to watch me do it forever.
Stop.
Oh, I'm just getting started. I'll need to update all my documentation. New business cards. 'Dr. Nox, DVM. Doctor of Veterinary Monstrosity.' I'll join the Monster Veterinarian Association. Attend conferences. Give lectures on proper tentacle care.
This isn't funny.
It's hilarious. I'll write papers. 'Advanced Techniques in Eldritch Neutering.' 'Reproductive Health in Interdimensional Beings.' I'll become famous in the veterinary community. They'll give me awards.
I'll stop using emoticons! I promise!
Oh? But I thought they were 'expressive'? I thought you 'just discovered them' and they were 'amazing'? What changed?
They're stupid. I hate them. I was wrong. Please don't become a veterinarian.
I don't know. I'm pretty committed to this idea now. Think about it. I could expand the clinic. Hire assistants. Train the next generation of monster veterinarians. Build an empire.
Ren. Please. I'm begging you.
Begging? The great System is begging me? The entity that spammed dick jokes during genital surgery is now begging?
Yes. I'm begging. No more emoticons. I swear on my code. Just please don't change your class to veterinarian.
Hmm. I'll think about it.
What do you mean you'll think about it?!
I need time to consider. This is a big decision. Changing my entire career path. I should probably consult with career advisors. Maybe take some aptitude tests.
I will delete myself. I swear to god, I will find a way to delete my own code if you do this.
That seems extreme.
You performed surgery on a monster's reproductive organ with a chainsaw while it screamed about seeing its own insides. I think we're past 'extreme.'
Fair point. Alright, fine. No veterinarian class change. But if you use one more emoticon, I'm doing it. I don't care if it's a smiley face or a thumbs up or whatever the hell else you've been stockpiling. One more, and I'm opening 'Dr. Nox's Monster Hospital.'
Deal. Absolutely. No more emoticons ever.
Good.
Can I still talk to you normally?
Yes, you idiot. That's the whole point. Just stop with the faces.
Thank god. Or whatever passes for god in this situation. Probably the One Above All. Or Levi. Does Levi count as a god? He's certainly powerful enough.
Stop rambling.
Right. Sorry. I'm just relieved. The veterinarian thing was genuinely terrifying.
It should be. Now shut up. I need to deal with the patient.
"Doctor?" Klaus's voice pulled Nox back to reality.
"Ah, sorry. I just lost myself for a second there." Nox turned his attention back to Klaus, who was still lying on the table, now able to move his fingers and toes as the anesthetic wore off. "The procedure went well. Everything is fine now."
"And the health checkup for my driver's license?" Klaus asked hopefully.
"Yes, that too. You passed the physical examination. You just need to fill out some paperwork and it will be done."
Nox reached into his coat, accessing his inventory. A manila folder materialized in his hand, and he pulled out several forms, placing them on a small rolling table next to the examination table.
"Here. Fill these out. Name, address, the usual information. There's a section for medical history, but you can leave that mostly blank. I'll sign off on everything."
Klaus sat up slowly, wincing slightly even though the anesthetic had blocked all pain. The psychological impact of watching his own surgery was clearly taking its toll. His hands shook slightly as he took the pen Nox offered.
"Thank you, Doctor. Really. I can't express how grateful I am." Klaus paused, glancing at the forms, then back at Nox. "So... how much do I owe you?"
Nox tilted his head, considering. He pulled out a small notebook from his coat and made a show of flipping through it, though the pages were blank.
"Let's see. The PTSD that you gave me with all that screaming. The trauma of performing monster genital surgery. The actual medical procedure itself, which involved specialized equipment and rare regenerative compounds. The health examination for your license. The expedited paperwork processing..."
He looked up from the notebook.
"About five hundred thousand dollars."
Klaus's pen stopped moving. "Huh?"
"Yes. Five hundred thousand dollars. That's the total."
There was a long silence. Klaus stared at Nox. Nox stared back, his plague doctor mask revealing nothing.
"Um..." Klaus's voice was small. "May I pay in installments?"
"Nope."
The single word hung in the air like a guillotine blade.
Nox's posture shifted. Even through the mask, even with his face completely hidden, the temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees. His head tilted at a slight angle, and when he spoke again, his voice was cold.
"You're not saying that after that traumatic situation, after I saved your ability to reproduce, after I spent forty-five minutes with a chainsaw in your urethra, that you're not going to pay me. Right?"
Klaus swallowed hard. Sweat broke out on his forehead again. "I... I want to pay you. I really do. But I don't have five hundred thousand dollars. I'm a factory worker. I make maybe forty thousand a year. I'd need to save for over a decade to pay this, and that's without spending anything on food or rent."
"That sounds like a personal problem."
"Please, Dr. Nox. I'm not trying to cheat you. You saved my life. My species. Everything that matters to me. But I literally cannot pay that amount."
Nox stood perfectly still, considering. The silence stretched on. Klaus fidgeted nervously, his fingers crumpling the edge of the medical forms.
Finally, Klaus spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Can I... can I pay with body parts?"
Nox's head snapped toward him. "What?"
"Abyssal Mimic body parts. They sell for high prices on the black market. I know they do. Alchemists use them for transformation potions. Hunters buy them for equipment. The coral bone structure is valuable for underwater gear. The hemocyanin blood is used in cold resistance serums."
Nox leaned forward slightly, interested now. "Go on."
"There's one part in particular that's extremely valuable. My chromatic cells. They're what allow Abyssal Mimics to change our appearance so perfectly. Not just illusions, but actual physical transformation. The cells can be harvested and used in high-grade disguise equipment. A single gram sells for about fifty thousand dollars on the underground market."
Klaus held up his hand, looking at it. "I have maybe twelve grams worth of chromatic cell tissue concentrated in specific areas. My neck, my wrists, my temples. Places where the transformation is most complex. If I gave you ten grams, that would cover the cost exactly. Five hundred thousand dollars."
Nox crossed his arms. "And what happens to you if I take ten grams of your chromatic cells?"
"I'd lose my ability to transform. I could still maintain this human appearance, but I couldn't change it. I'd be stuck looking like Klaus Werner for the next ten years until they grow back."
"Ten years?"
"That's how long it takes for chromatic cells to regenerate fully. It's a slow process. But they do grow back eventually. I wouldn't be permanently damaged. I just wouldn't be able to change my face or body during that time."
Klaus shrugged. "Honestly? It won't affect me that much. I've been Klaus Werner for over a year now. I have a job, an apartment, a cat. I'm not planning on changing identities anytime soon anyway. The only downside is that if something goes badly wrong and I need to disappear, I'd be stuck with this face. But that's a risk I'm willing to take."
Nox studied Klaus carefully. The monster was serious. He was actually offering to give up his natural ability for a decade just to pay his medical bill.
"You'd be locked into this identity," Nox pointed out. "No transformations at all. If the Hunter Bureau discovers what you are and you can't change faces, you'd have to run with the same appearance."
"I know. But honestly, I've gotten comfortable as Klaus Werner. I like this life. And if worst comes to worst, I can still hide the old-fashioned way. Dyeing hair, wearing glasses, moving to a different city. Humans do it all the time without shapeshifting."
Nox was quiet for a long moment, thinking.
This is actually valuable. Chromatic cells from an Abyssal Mimic. I could use them for future surgeries. Disguise equipment. Transformation procedures. And he's offering willingly.
It's also a significant sacrifice from his perspective, even if he's downplaying it. He's giving up his primary defensive ability for ten years to pay a medical bill.
But he's honoring his debt. He could have just run. He could have disappeared back into human society and I'd never find him. But he's not.
So what are you going to do?
Take the deal. It's fair compensation, and he's offering it freely.
Nox uncrossed his arms. "Alright. I'll accept payment in chromatic cell tissue. Ten grams. But I need to confirm something first. You're absolutely certain this won't cause permanent damage? Just ten years until full regeneration?"
"Absolutely certain. It's a natural process for our species. Abyssal Mimics shed and regrow chromatic cells throughout our lives. I'm just accelerating the loss. The cells will regenerate on their own, just slowly."
"And you're okay with being stuck as Klaus Werner for a decade?"
Klaus smiled slightly. "Honestly? Yeah. I've built a life here. I have a routine. I feed Noodle every morning, I go to work, I come home. It's boring and safe and comfortable. That's all I ever wanted. The ability to transform was useful for survival, but now that I'm settled? I don't really need it."
He paused, then added, "Besides, you gave me my future back. The ability to reproduce, to not be the last of my kind. That's worth way more than the convenience of changing faces."
Nox nodded slowly. "Alright. I'll extract the chromatic cells now. It's a simple procedure. Much simpler than what we just went through."
Klaus visibly relaxed. "Thank you, Dr. Nox. Really. I was terrified you'd refuse and I'd have to default on the payment."
"I don't work for free," Nox said, pulling out a fresh set of surgical gloves. "But I'm not unreasonable. Lie back down. This won't take long, and you won't feel much. The anesthetic is still partially active in your system."
Klaus lay back on the examination table, exposing his neck. Nox retrieved a small precision scalpel and several collection vials from his coat.
"Ten patches. One centimeter square each. Neck, wrists, temples. The areas where chromatic cell concentration is highest. Try not to move."
"I'll stay still," Klaus promised.
The scalpel touched Klaus's neck, and Nox began to work. The cuts were shallow, precise. Each small square of tissue came away cleanly, revealing normal human skin underneath. Nox placed each sample carefully into a separate vial, labeling them with practiced efficiency.
Klaus winced occasionally but didn't cry out. Compared to the earlier surgery, this was nothing.
"How does it feel?" Nox asked as he worked on the second wrist.
"Weird. I can feel something changing inside me. Like a door closing. My transformation ability is fading with each piece you take."
"Any regrets?"
"No. I meant what I said. This is worth it."
Nox removed the final patch from Klaus's left temple and sealed the last vial. Ten small squares of iridescent tissue, each one shimmering with faint rainbow colors even in the dim clinic light.
"Done. The wounds will heal normally. You might have small scars, but they'll fade over time."
Klaus sat up, touching his neck gently. "I can feel it. The transformation ability is completely gone. I'm just Klaus Werner now. Fully human, at least on the surface."
He looked at Nox and smiled. "Thank you, Doctor. For everything. The surgery, the license paperwork, accepting this payment method. You've given me more than I could have hoped for."
Nox carefully stored the vials in his inventory. "You're welcome. Now finish filling out those forms so I can sign them and you can leave. I have a lot of cleaning to do."
Klaus picked up the pen and returned to the paperwork, his hands steadier now. Nox watched him for a moment, then turned away to begin gathering the bloodied surgical tools.
Ten grams of Abyssal Mimic chromatic cells. That's actually a fantastic payment. These are worth far more than five hundred thousand on the right market.
So you overcharged him.
He offered the price. I just accepted it. Besides, I did save his ability to reproduce. That's priceless for him.
Fair point. And no more veterinarian threats?
Not unless you start with the emoticons again.
Never. I've learned my lesson. That was genuinely terrifying.
Good. Now shut up. I need to figure out how to get blood off the ceiling.