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Eldritch Horror? No, I'm A Doctor
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This is awkward, Ren thought.
He stood there in the examination room, one glove off, palm-mouth still faintly visible before it fully retracted into normal-looking skin. Klaus Werner, factory worker and secretly an Abyssal Mimic, was still paralyzed on the examination table, staring at him with wide eyes.
What the fuck is going on here? How the fuck did a monster come into my clinic?
The anesthetic was wearing off. Ren could see Klaus's fingers starting to twitch, the paralysis fading from his extremities first.
Klaus shifted awkwardly, testing his limbs. His jaw worked. His eyes blinked. Then suddenly, he could move again.
And immediately sprang up from the table and dropped to his knees on the floor.
"Please have mercy! Don't eat me, sir!"
Ren tilted his head, genuinely confused. "What the fuck would I eat you for?"
"Sir, you're a Unique-rank monster, right?" Klaus kept his head down, his voice trembling. "I'm sorry that I stepped into your territory. I didn't know this was your hunting ground. I'll leave immediately. I'll never come back. Just please don't kill me."
Ren became even more confused. Why the fuck does he think I look like a monster?
The System chimed in, its presence manifesting as text in Ren's vision.
NEW ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! "Mistaken Identity" Got mistaken as a monster by an actual monster. I have to clap for you, Ren. w(°ｏ°)w
What the fuck is that? You learned to use some weird thing again?
This is called an emoticon. You know I can't add emoji otherwise the entire system will crash, so I make do with this. Pretty neat, right? (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧*
Yeah, so useful as always.
Thank you for the compliment. ♡(ӦｖӦ｡)
Stop with those stupid faces. They're annoying.
You don't like them? But they're so expressive! (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
I hate them. Stop.
Aww, you're breaking my heart. ༼☯﹏☯༽
But why did he mistake me for a monster though?
Because you look exactly like a fucking human, Ren. You're the most human-looking human I've ever seen. It's uncanny. Monsters can sense other monsters, but you? You register as both human AND not human. It's confusing as hell for them. (¬‿¬)
Fuck your sarcasm. And stop with the faces.
No can do. I just discovered these and they're amazing. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Klaus looked up at Ren with confusion. Why had the doctor gone quiet all of a sudden? Was he deciding how to kill him? Was he considering which parts would taste best?
Ren turned back to Klaus, having finished his mental conversation with the System. He decided to play along with Klaus's assumption. It might make things easier.
"I see," Ren said slowly, his voice taking on a more measured tone. "You recognized me as a monster. That's perceptive."
"Of course, sir!" Klaus's voice carried genuine awe. "You must be from a Horror-type gate, right? You look so majestically grotesque. That hand with the mouth, the way you move, the pressure you emit. It's beautiful."
To a real monster, it was a genuine compliment. Like a human being told they were very handsome or elegant. Klaus was praising Ren's monstrous qualities with sincere admiration.
Pfft. He thinks you're beautiful. How romantic. (ﾉ´ з `)ノ
Fuck off, Ren cursed at the System in his mind.
So, are you going to kill the monster or not? Parts of its body seem useful. Abyssal Mimic organs go for a lot on the black market. The coral bone structure alone could be grafted for underwater operations. The hemocyanin-based blood could enhance cold resistance. Just saying~ (￣ω￣)
No.
No? (⊙_⊙;)
Even if it's a monster, it's still my patient. It came to my clinic seeking help. I'll treat it regardless of what it is.
Hypocrite. ( ಠ ʖ̯ ಠ)
What?
What about Varyn and Emily's group? You turned them into a five-brained abomination. Where was this noble medical ethics then? (¬_¬ )
That's different. All creatures that attack me willingly are considered enemies, and I won't show mercy. Being kind to your enemy is being cruel to yourself.
That's not the correct idiom. The actual saying is "Kindness to the enemy is cruelty to oneself." You're stupid. (╯°□°)╯
Close enough.
Not really. But sure, keep telling yourself that. (︶︹︺)
I swear to god if you don't stop with those faces—
You'll what? Turn me into a five-brained system? ┐( ˘_˘ )┌
Klaus remained on his knees, still extremely respectful toward Ren. His posture was submissive, head bowed, hands on the floor. It was the stance of a weaker predator acknowledging a stronger one.
"Stand up," Ren said finally. "If you're going to be my patient, at least sit properly."
Klaus scrambled to his feet and sat back on the examination table, though he kept his head slightly bowed.
"Let me introduce myself properly," Ren continued. "My current identity is that of a doctor named Nox. I run this clinic. I can perform any procedure and cure any ailment, as long as the patient is still alive."
Klaus nodded quickly. "I'm Klaus Werner. I'm a... human." He said the word 'human' with slight hesitation, as if he wasn't entirely comfortable with the lie even now.
"You don't have to pretend with me," Ren said. "I know what you are."
"Thank you for your understanding, sir." Klaus relaxed slightly. "But I've been living as a human for over a year now. It's become comfortable."
"As I said, I have the power to cure anything as long as it's still alive," Ren repeated, adjusting his gloves.
Klaus tilted his head, something occurring to him. "Then... the slogan in front of the clinic is grammatically correct?"
"What?"
"I thought you meant 'cure everything.' But the sign says 'anything.'"
Ren felt a surge of annoyance. You didn't tell me the sign was grammatically incorrect!
It's not entirely incorrect though. You CAN cure anything. Monsters, humans, pets, whatever. 'Anything' is technically accurate. (•̀ᴗ•́)و
Then shouldn't it be 'we can cure everything AND anything'?
That makes sense too. But honestly, who cares about grammar when you're running an illegal clinic? ¯\(ツ)/¯
I care! It makes me look unprofessional!
You literally have a sign that says "As long as you're not dead, we can cure anything." Professional went out the window a long time ago, buddy. (≖ ͜ʖ≖)
"Sir?" Klaus called out tentatively, watching the doctor zone out again.
"Ah, sorry. I was lost in thought." Ren refocused on Klaus. "The sign is not entirely incorrect. Although 'everything' sounds better, I can cure anything. Even a pet or a monster. So 'anything' works."
Klaus nodded, seeming to accept this explanation. Then his expression shifted, becoming more serious. More vulnerable.
"Then!" Klaus's eyes lit up suddenly, hope flooding his features. His hands clasped together in front of his chest. "Mr. Nox, can you please take a look at my reproductive system?"
Huh? What the fuck?
The thought rang clear and loud in Ren's head. He stared at Klaus, his mind completely blank for a moment. Of all the things he'd expected a monster to ask him, reproductive health was not on the list.
Behind his plague doctor mask, Ren's expression was frozen in pure confusion.
HAHAHAHA! Oh my god! This is gold! Absolute gold! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)
Don't you fucking dare—
A monster came to you for REPRODUCTIVE ISSUES! I can't breathe! This is the best day ever! (੭ ᐕ)━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ
Stop laughing and help me figure out what to say!
Oh no no no, I'm enjoying this too much. Please, continue. Let's see where this goes. (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Klaus seemed to take the silence as consideration. "I know it's an unusual request, but you said you could cure anything, and I've been worried about this for months now, and I didn't know who else to ask, and since you're also a monster, I thought maybe you'd understand, and—"
"Wait," Ren interrupted, holding up a hand. "Just... wait. Explain. Slowly. What exactly is the problem with your reproductive system?"
"What exactly is the problem with your reproductive system?" Great bedside manner, doc. Really compassionate. (￣ω￣;)
Shut the fuck up.
Klaus took a deep breath, his fingers twisting together nervously. "You see, Abyssal Mimics reproduce through binary fission when we reach a certain size and age. But I consumed a human over a year ago, and my biology has been adapting to match human patterns. I think... I think my reproductive system is breaking down. I haven't been able to enter fission state, and I'm worried that I've lost the ability completely."
Ren processed this information. "You want me to check if you can still reproduce?"
He wants you to check his reproductive capabilities. This conversation just keeps getting better. (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
Stop. Making. Those. Faces.
☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜) Never gonna stop!
"Yes! If I can't reproduce, then I'm the last of my line. The human I consumed didn't have any children. If I can't perform fission, then when I die, that's it. No continuation. No legacy. Nothing." Klaus's voice cracked slightly with genuine distress.
Oh. Oh, that's actually a legitimate medical concern, Ren thought.
This just got interesting. So are you going to examine a monster's reproductive organs? This is a new low, even for you. (ಠ_ಠ)
It's a medical issue. Stop making it weird.
You're the one who stuck your hand-mouth in his mouth without asking. I'm not the one making it weird. (¬º-°)¬
That was for diagnostic purposes!
Sure it was. Very professional. Very normal. (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)っ✂╰⋃╯
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ONE?!
Art. Pure art. You don't appreciate culture. ¯\(°_o)/¯
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?