Morning came with unexpected birdsong and dread.
Usually, I could snooze through the rooster's scream and the occasional disciple duel in the distance. But today?
Something unnaturally enthusiastic was in the air.
"RISE AND GRIND, YOU LAZY CLOUD MAGGOTS!"
The voice boomed through the sect like thunder dipped in espresso.
I groaned and rolled over. "Tell them to come back after breakfast."
Mu Lian kicked open my door.
"We've got a problem," she said.
"Worse than last time?"
"Heaven sent a… motivational coach."
Outside, the courtyard had been turned into a training hellscape. Obstacle courses, gravity-enhanced push-up pits, and flying dumbbells spinning like angry wasps. Every disciple had been issued a complimentary headband that said 'NO PAIN, NO PATH.'
In the middle stood a man with glistening muscles, a divine whistle, and zero chill.
"I am Coach Daoflex the Awakened!" he bellowed, flexing so hard his robes disintegrated into a training tank top. "By celestial decree, I have been assigned to FIX the 'Cultivation Irregularity' known as Kaito Asano!"
I raised a hand from under my blanket. "Hi. Irregularity reporting for naptime."
He pointed a beefy finger at me. "You! You are a spiritual disgrace! A walking violation of every muscle-bound principle in the Sacred Manual of Grit!"
"Thanks. I try."
The New Decree
Mu Lian handed me a scroll. "It's legit. Stamped by the Heavenly Motivation Division."
Subject: Kaito AsanoIssue: Cultivation through apathyCorrectional Method: Intensive Cultivation BootcampObjective: Transform subject into a proactive, inspirational protagonistInstructor Assigned: Coach Daoflex, Celestial Motivator Rank SS
I blinked. "There's a motivation division?"
"They're worse than the auditors," she whispered. "They once made an entire sect jog into a volcano to 'ignite their internal spirit furnace.'"
Bootcamp Begins
"First lesson!" Coach Daoflex shouted. "You will perform 10,000 Celestial Push-Ups of Will atop the Spinning Pillars of Enlightenment!"
"Yeah, I'm gonna not do that," I said, sipping tea.
"You'll never become a protagonist with that attitude!"
"That's the idea."
He stomped the ground. The spinning stone platforms shot up, glowing with golden script.
"Refusal is not an option! I have been granted temporary override of your Lazy Dao Path!"
A golden light shackled my wrists. I dropped my tea.
"Okay, that's rude."
The Trials of Effort
Trial 1: Physical Labor
I was hurled onto a platform spinning like a fidget spinner possessed by caffeine. Every time I tried to lie down, a divine slap of energy jolted me upright.
I tried faking effort.
Coach Daoflex threw a mountain at me.
Trial 2: Motivational Chanting
"Repeat after me!" he roared. "PAIN IS THE PATH!"
"…Naps are the nature."
"WRONG!"
"Effort is an illusion constructed by the overachieving."
"SAY IT WITH INTENSITY!"
"Existence is optional."
Trial 3: Team Training
Daoflex made me spar against five overenthusiastic junior disciples he'd brainwashed into believing hard work would make them sword saints.
I dodged, yawned, rolled under a tree, and accidentally reflected a lightning technique with my tea saucer.
Everyone applauded.
Daoflex screamed into the heavens.
Mu Lian's Plan
That evening, Mu Lian found me hiding in the haystack again.
"Coach Daoflex is going to break the sect at this rate."
"Good," I grumbled. "Then I'll have no obligations and can finally cultivate in peace."
"But you'll lose your bureaucratic immunity. He's triggering divine clauses in your path."
I sat up.
"…He's legally undoing my laziness?"
"Yes."
I stood. "Okay. He dies now."
Final Showdown: Lazy vs. Motivated
Next morning, I walked into the courtyard while Daoflex screamed about "core strength" and "grinding XP through pain."
I raised one hand.
"Coach," I said, "can you explain how your motivation works?"
He flexed. "Easy! Push limits. Break bones. Shatter obstacles! Force breakthroughs through intense perseverance!"
I nodded. "And if someone progresses without those things?"
"Then they are an error!"
I smiled. "Good."
I sat down.
Did nothing.
A lot of nothing.
The wind stilled.
The grass bent.
My spiritual energy radiated from my pores like a warm blanket. The Lazy Dao stirred.
Around me, disciples collapsed into sudden revelations.
Even Daoflex's muscles twitched.
"No… NO! I FEEL… CALM?!"
"Welcome," I said, "to the Dao of Doing Jack-All."
Coach Daoflex screamed, exploded into glitter, and ascended back to heaven — forcibly enlightened into early retirement.
System Notification: Motivational Challenge Cleared
You have reclaimed your Dao Path from intrusive coaching.Trait Gained: "Enforced Inertia" – Cannot be forced into action against your will.New Path Branch Unlocked: Dao of Strategic Procrastination.
Mu Lian handed me a bun.
"So. You broke a divine coach with naps again."
"Hard work is the greatest illusion."
"…And yet, you keep winning."
"That's the trick."
We clinked tea cups.
A disciple behind us began meditating horizontally.