The sky cracked open at 7:03 AM.
Which was rude.
That was thirty minutes before my usual "spiritual snooze cycle," and I was midway through a dream involving unlimited steamed buns and a pillow that granted enlightenment through softness.
Above the sect, a jade staircase unfurled from the clouds like some divine escalator nobody asked for. It sparkled. It hummed. It radiated the distinct aura of paperwork.
I groaned and pulled the blanket over my face. "Mu Lian," I muttered. "If this is another sky invasion, just tell them we're out of tea."
She was already on the roof, wide awake and alert as ever. "Nope. Worse."
I peeked one eye open.
Descending the staircase was a tall, elegant woman in blindingly white robes and a scroll longer than a tragic backstory. Silver hair in a no-nonsense bun, monocle glowing with heavenly data runes.
Mu Lian whispered, "I think it's a divine auditor."
I sat up fully. "Well, there goes my day off."
"Kaito Asano," she called, voice crisp as a rejection letter. "You are summoned for existence review."
"Can I decline?"
"You may file a rebuttal using Form 9-Lotus-Blue and submit it through the Cloud Access Port. Processing time: 34 celestial cycles."
"…That's like 400 years, isn't it?"
"Give or take."
She landed with bureaucratic grace. A celestial seal burned in the air behind her.
"I am Auditor Jinsi, from the Department of Reincarnation Oversight. By order of the Celestial Bureaucracy, I am to determine if your existence should be… terminated."
She unrolled her scroll. It stretched past a chicken coop and into a mud puddle. One of the chickens sat on it.
Case Summary:
Subject: Kaito AsanoStatus: Unauthorized reincarnation via non-standard karma bypassViolation: Cultivating power without effort, violating Divine Principle 4.6b (Struggle Clause)Recommended Outcome: Erasure pending narrative justification.
"I need narrative justification?" I asked. "What is this, a web novel?"
"Yes," she said, without irony. "As per the Divine Narrative Act, Section 22. Characters with insufficient story relevance may be retroactively deleted."
I turned to Mu Lian. "Did she just say I need plot relevance to survive?"
"You heard the lady."
The Challenge: Be Relevant, Or Be Erased
"You have until dusk," Jinsi said. "Show growth, impact, and thematic cohesion. Or face removal from the cosmic manuscript."
Then she conjured a celestial clipboard and sat on an actual cloud she pulled out of her sleeve.
I rubbed my temples. "This is worse than a job interview."
I stood in front of the sect's disciples, most of whom were eating snacks and placing bets.
"Alright," I declared, "I need to prove I matter."
"Prove you what?" asked Fang Mei, munching on spirit melon.
"That I matter."
"Are you going to do something amazing?"
"No," I said proudly. "I'm going to do something meaningless, and let the universe interpret it."
They blinked.
1:00 PM — The Lazy Enlightenment Exhibition
I sat cross-legged on the roof.
Said nothing.
Did nothing.
Radiated apathy.
Behind me, I let a goose flap a fan near my face for aesthetic effect.
Cultivators gathered to watch.
Some wept. One muttered, "His stillness… it transcends stillness…"
A rogue scholar scribbled frantically:
"The Dao of Slack—perhaps true cultivation is found in the refusal to participate."
Auditor Jinsi raised an eyebrow. "Side character impact: +0.3."
3:00 PM — The Great Nap Sermon
I laid under the Bodhi Tree of Slight Drowsiness and whispered:
"The world does not spin because of effort.It spins because stopping would be harder.Thus, all things are inherently lazy.Enlightenment is accepting this universal truth."
A squirrel achieved enlightenment on the spot and vanished into golden mist.
Mu Lian nearly spit out her tea. "That counts?!"
"Apparently," I shrugged.
Jinsi wrote on her scroll. "Thematic consistency: +0.4."
4:45 PM — The Final Proof
Jinsi hovered above me. "Progress noted. However, you remain narratively borderline."
I looked up. "What about charm? Style? Unexpected genre subversion?"
"We prefer traditional arcs."
Suddenly, a disciple ran into the courtyard, panicked.
"Someone's flying this way! REALLY fast!"
Seconds later, the jade staircase exploded.
Descending on a flaming sword was a man in crimson robes, face full of rage, eyebrows trained for villainy.
"I AM CELESTIAL COMMANDER LI HUANG!" he roared. "You insulted my cousin Prince Li Shen in the tournament!"
I waved lazily. "Hey. Slam poet guy."
He launched a sword blast.
I didn't move.
A nearby broken mirror reflected the attack back.
Li Huang KO'd himself.
Jinsi blinked.
"…You defeated a major threat through complete inactivity."
"I prefer the term passive narrative causality."
"Fine," she sighed, stamping her scroll. "Narrative weight… sufficient."
A golden notification shimmered above me.
System Notification: Audit Cleared
You have avoided erasure.Reward: Divine Slack Certification – Tier BronzeTrait Unlocked: Bureaucratic Immunity (Once per arc, ignore divine paperwork.)
Jinsi bowed. "Your anomaly remains. But your story… is amusing."
She vanished in a flash of celestial light.
I turned to Mu Lian, who just stared at me.
"That… that shouldn't have worked."
I stretched, yawned, and lay back in the grass.
"Mu Lian?"
"Yeah?"
"Wake me if another god shows up."
"Only if they bring snacks."