If you were to ask me how it all started, I'd say it was probably the tea.
Not the divine auditors, not the cosmic bootcamps, and certainly not the flaming sky chariots.
No, it started with a pot of jade chrysanthemum tea I left simmering too long under the Bodhi Tree of Slight Drowsiness.
That aroma, somehow, drifted into the spiritual winds.
And up in the heavens, someone important sneezed — violently.
Somewhere in the Ninth Heavenly Realm
General Zhan Tu, Grand Commander of the Heavenly War Cult, stood atop a divine battlefield where clouds bled lightning and thunder bowed to sword qi.
"Someone," he growled, "has tampered with the balance of martial resolve."
A soldier knelt. "Sir, there is a sect in the lower realm. Their lead cultivator—"
"Say no more."
Zhan Tu crushed his jade goblet with one hand.
"No tea shall replace toil. No nap shall outshine warfare. Prepare the Tribunal."
Meanwhile, in the Broken Heaven Sect
I was enjoying a rather excellent day.
I'd just perfected the Cloud-Pillow Meditation Formation, which allowed passive qi absorption while prone. It also doubled as a foot massage.
Fang Mei was arguing with Mu Lian about whether spiritual ducks were a good idea.
They were not.
A celestial gong rang through the mountains. Dark clouds swirled above the main courtyard, forming a war sigil of blades and shouting.
Mu Lian muttered, "Oh no."
From the sky descended five armored figures riding war chariots pulled by flame tigers.
The leader bellowed:
"IN THE NAME OF BLOOD, STRUGGLE, AND THE BLADE THAT CLEAVES EFFORT—WE HEREBY DECLARE WAR UPON YOUR… TRASHY… LITTLE SECT!"
He looked around, confused by the chickens and faint scent of dumplings.
"Is this… the right place?"
The Heavenly Tribunal of Struggle
General Zhan Tu stepped forward in full war regalia — think gladiator meets divine sports coach.
"I am Zhan Tu! Defender of Effort! Destroyer of Sloth! Bringer of narrative pacing!"
Mu Lian sipped her tea. "You'll want Kaito."
I waved from the hammock.
Zhan Tu squinted. "You… you're the cultivator who enlightens by lying down?!"
"I also make great soup."
"You have disrupted countless heroic arcs across the realms! Cultivators are… skipping training montages because of your influence!"
I shrugged. "Who needs a montage when you can dream your way to Dao comprehension?"
The general's eye twitched.
"You will either face trial by spiritual combat," he declared, "or submit to Celestial Reeducation through 999 days of sweaty montage under the War Cult's tutelage."
"Neither," I said, sipping soup.
"YOU DON'T GET TO REFUSE!"
"But I just did."
The sky rumbled.
Mu Lian whispered, "He's invoking Heavenly Mandate Clause 7-B. If we don't fight, they'll raze the sect."
"…Again?"
"We just fixed the outer wall."
I sighed, stood up, and stretched.
"Fine. But I'm picking the battleground."
The Arena of Arbitrary Conditions
I led them to the Spiritual Bamboo Forest of Slight Inconvenience, where even experienced cultivators get lost, mildly poked, or delayed by nature's minor irritations.
I activated my domain: The Dao of Strategic Procrastination.
A fog rolled in.
Paths turned slightly longer.
Birds sang out-of-sync motivational jingles.
Zhan Tu gritted his teeth. "Enough stalling. Name your duel terms."
"Tea brewing contest."
"…Excuse me?"
I clapped my hands. "You vs. me. Best cup of tea. Judged by the Sect's chickens, who, I might add, are discerning critics."
The Duel of Brew and Fury
Zhan Tu screamed, ripped off his armor, and summoned a celestial kettle forged from star-metal.
Flames surged. He poured spirit herbs into the pot, chanting war sutras while a background chorus sang in minor key.
I brewed mine under moonlight, using leftover morning dew and a single lazy leaf from the Bodhi Tree of Slight Drowsiness.
It steeped itself.
I did nothing.
The chickens waddled over.
Pecked at both cups.
Unanimously sat next to mine.
Zhan Tu lost.His war banners wilted.His flame tigers lay down and napped.
He knelt. "How… how did you do that?"
I leaned closer.
"It's not about brewing better. It's about brewing less."
System Notification: Martial Tribunal Neutralized
You have defeated the Heavenly War Cult through nonviolent contest.Faction Relationship Updated: War Cult – "Confused Respect"Title Gained: Tranquil DuelistDao Path Branch Strengthened: "Pacifist Lazy Arts"
Aftermath
The War Cult retreated, mumbling about "tea potential" and "maybe naps aren't weakness."
Mu Lian exhaled. "That could've gone worse."
"You didn't let me use my Tea-Gourd of Infinite Procrastination."
"I regret nothing."
I flopped back onto the hammock, hands behind my head.
Fang Mei approached. "Kaito?"
"Mm?"
"Will they come back?"
"Probably. But next time I'll challenge them to a… sleepy poetry slam."
She blinked. "That's… not a real thing."
"It is now."
Meanwhile, In the Celestial Administration Hall
A divine clerk adjusted her glasses.
"Ma'am," she reported, "Kaito Asano has successfully defeated a heavenly tribunal using poultry and oolong."
Auditor Jinsi sipped her coffee. "Naturally."
"Should we send someone stronger?"
"No," she sighed. "He'll probably teach them how to unlock their Inner Couch Aura and spark another enlightenment scandal."
The clerk blinked. "Is that… bad?"
"It is disruptive. And… somehow beautiful."