[Earth — 7:42 AM, Tuesday]
The alarm screamed at Yomen like it wanted to kill him. Again.
He slapped the snooze button so many times that the damn thing might as well have been broken. 7:42 AM. He was officially late. Again.
"Great. Late for work. Again. I'm basically the poster child for career failure."
He bolted upright, hair standing on end like he'd stuck a fork in an outlet. His mouth grabbed a slice of toast like a dog catching a frisbee. One shoe on, one shoe missing—because who had time for shoe tying when your life is already a mess?
"Why am I like this? Why does everything hate me? Is this some cosmic joke? Can I just sleep forever?"
He shoved the door open and sprinted onto the street, dodging old ladies who glared like he was personally responsible for global warming, and a very angry pigeon that might have been stalking him.
"If I'm late one more time, my boss will definitely fire me."
He ran full tilt.
Then—
From around the corner, a truck came flying at him like it wanted to audition for an action movie. The driver blasted some weird remix of the Skibidi Toilet song that was simultaneously catchy and absolutely terrifying.
"Nope. Nope. Nope. Universe, I get it. I'm dead. Can we not?"
Before he could blink, BAM! The truck slammed into him like he was a pinball.
[Unknown Realm — The Court of Absolute Aura Judgment]
Blackness.
Then words glowing in front of his face:
YOU HAVE DIED.
Cause of Death: Truck Impact Combo (Skill Issue)
Reincarnation in progress…
Loading spiritual stats...
Another message popped up:
Aura Level:-1000
Rizz Level: -4
Bitches Acquired: 0
Title: Spiritually Unemployed
Verdict: You suck.
"Okay, that's harsh. Could they at least say 'Better luck next time' or 'Try harder'? No? Just 'You suck'? Cool."
Yomen opened his eyes.
Now he was lying on some cold stone slab in the middle of a giant glowing arena carved out of a mountain. Blue energy pillars hummed around him, and thousands of people in robes stared.
And then came the voice. Loud. Deep. Probably the guy who assigns execution dates for fun.
"Next!"
A giant screen above him flashed his name: Yomen.
"Your aura reading is minus one thousand."
The crowd gasped like someone just revealed spoilers for the one piece.
"Minus one thousand? What kind of aura math is that? Did I accidentally get a minus coupon? What if I pay with negative money? Can I buy aura debt?"
The judge's voice cut through the room like a bad pun at a funeral.
"You are the weakest being in existence. The one with the lowest aura shall be publicly executed."
The crowd went quiet. Except for some guy nervously humming the Skibidi song.
"Public execution? Already? That's... efficient."
Yomen leaned toward the guy next to him. A big dude with fiery hair and sunglasses that screamed 'Alpha Male.'
"Hey bro, what's going on? Why am I about to get deleted?"
The guy shrugged.
"It's tradition. The lowest aura gets deleted yearly. Keeps the vibe pure or whatever."
"Wow. Sounds like spiritual cancel culture."
Yomen blinked and faced the judge.
"You had one job," the judge said. "Rizz up some girl or cast a technique. You failed. What do you say for yourself?"
Yomen scratched his head.
"Uh... Can I get a tutorial first? Or some cheat codes?"
The judge slammed his hammer.
"SILENCE!"
The crowd murmured. Somewhere, a monk dropped his prayer beads.
Then, a new message popped up in front of Yomen.
Hidden Condition Triggered: Born Useless
Skill Unlocked: Clown's Blessing
Effect: Gain aura from emotional reactions — laughter, pity, rage, confusion.
Current Aura: +3
Source: Audience Reaction – Cringe.
"Wait, so I get stronger if I make people feel things? Great. I'm officially a walking, talking bad meme."
Yomen looked at the judge.
He took a deep breath.
He ripped off his shirt.
He climbed the nearest podium.
And yelled with all his might:
"TUNG... TUNG... TUNG SAHUUUUUURRRR!!!"
The courtroom exploded in chaos.
A monk fainted. An elder screamed. A girl giggled, then promptly threw up from secondhand embarrassment. Even the judge's hammer wobbled in surprise.
[+44 Aura Gained]
Sources: Cringe (x5), Disbelief (x2), Second-hand Embarrassment (x3), Cultist Panic (x1)
Yomen wiped a little blood from his lip and smirked.
"Okay... maybe I'm not dead yet."
"Alright, Yomen," he thought. "Time to figure out how to survive this mess. Step one: don't die again today."