CHIARA
I shoved away all the product on the sink. They shuttered and splattered down. I screamed, gripping the edges of the sink with my nails, and slowly sank on the bathroom floor. I recalled his face, the hurt on his face. "Oh God," I clenched a fistful of the towel on my chest. It was hard to breathe. I felt like the worst person in the world. I should've told him from the start. I should've. "What have I done?" My heart hurt so much that even my voice found it hard to pass through my aching throat.
'You snatched our chance at a happy life together! You did! I loathe the day I met you!'
I laid down on the cold tiled floor, legs pulled up to my chest, my trembling hands hugging myself and kept crying. Why couldn't I have this one? Why did it have to be snatched away too? I knew it was going to get messy. But I'd wanted to tell him myself. And not for him to find out the way he did. Luca. How could I forget about them? But can't I also be selfish for once and follow the one thing to ever crave?
I wasn't a God person, but I'd heard that all of us were God's people. So why did God always act like he never saw me? Was I merely made and thrown into this world to suffer? Would I never know a lasting peace?
Carmelo loved me wholeheartedly. And so were my feelings for him. They are genuine. But I'd hurt him so bad. So bad that the only thing I saw on his face one hour ago was heart wrenching pain, devastation and anger. There was so much anger in his eyes and disgust. He was disgusted with me. I would too if I were in his shoes. I grabbed the roots of my hair and tugged hard.
I was a worthless piece of shit. Greedy. Selfish. Broken. I was never worthy of him. But for once, I thought even in my worthless state, I could find true happiness. I was hopelessly hopeful. Forgetting who I was and where I came from. How could I ever think I was the one for him? How could I forget that happiness was not written for me?
Carmelo was like a light in my dark life. He came in and changed everything with his light. It was hard not to get affected by him. He deserved better. And it hurt so much that I was not that better. Not suited for him.
I deserved this. I slapped myself, over and over again, ignoring the stinging pain. Maybe then the pain in my heart would subside too.
I couldn't tell for how long I laid down there crying. But when I returned to my senses it was dark. I gathered myself up and dragged myself to the room. Of course he wouldn't be here. Why would he be here? He loathed me. Now it was only a big empty bedroom. I bit my lip, blinking tears and walked to the closet. I picked up his towel from the floor and pressed it to my nose, inhaling his sweet scent.
We planned to fill the other side of his closet with my clothes today once he returned home. I was finally going to move into his room. He was so happy when I told him. So happy that he kissed me, picked me up and twirled me around.
I shuddered and started to sob all over again. Going through his clothes. He was gone and never coming back to me. And if he ever did, I had to prepare myself to leave. I covered my mouth. Just the thought of leaving twisted all of my organs.
How was I going to move on from here? I would never be the same without him. The thought of returning back to being some unfeeling bitch hurt even more. Where would I even go? I could leave this place, but then I'd be leaving my heart here. My humanity. Something that Carmelo taught me throughout the months without his knowledge. I would be leaving everything behind and just live like an empty shell. I took one of his shirts and wore it. It was the only thing that made me feel close to him at the moment. And I was afraid it was the last closest I'd ever feel with him.
I couldn't breathe. I started grabbing things to support myself and dropped to the ground. A pile of clothes crushed down at me. My eyes bulged out and I was gasping for air that didn't exist. My strangled gasps filled the room. Tears blurred my vision and my hand stretched out to the door. It was so far from my reach. He was not here. Maybe it was my time. I pressed his shirt to my face, smelling his scent even if for the last time. I'd rather die now with the memory of his scent than live to never smell it again. I shut my eyes and unconsciousness took me over.
I laid on the pool bed, counting stars. Because it was the only thing I could do apart from getting suffocated with my own mind and agony. It's been three days. Carmelo hadn't returned. Didn't pick up my calls or reply to my texts. Even Storm was not responding. What was I expecting? That I would wake up some day to him kicking the doors open and pulling me in his arms? Never again, Chiara. You lost that chance for good.
I reached for the bottle of wine on the ground beside me and took a long swig. The bottle slipped from my hands and soaked me with the wine. I sat up and flung it across the pool. "Fucking bastard! Now even you wouldn't let me drink in peace?"
I took another bottle from the pile of them and smashed it too. "Do you hate me too?" I picked another one, "Too bad! I'm drinking you anyway!" I threw my head back and chugged it down. The beer spilled on the corner of my mouth, drenching me all the same.
I panted, my glossy eyes looking around the mansion. It was empty. Even when I was around. It was empty. I lost my interest in everything. I shooed Marina whenever she came and forced me to eat. The poor girl came still. I was such a horrible person. No wonder Carmelo hated me now. I couldn't work as well. Because whenever I did, I was reminded of our times together in his study. I couldn't stay in the room, the living room nor the kitchen. Because those places too bombed me with our memories.
I'd been spending my days and nights on the balcony. I even brought a bedsheet and a pillow out here. There were memories of us everywhere I went, even here. Even now, I couldn't flush away his image in the pool. He was swimming in the pool. Carmelo was here. He came back for me! "I knew you would come back for me!" I stood up abruptly and let the bottle drop down. I rushed to the swimming pool and dived in with my clothes and shoes on.
I swam and searched around. But I couldn't find him anymore. "Where are you?" "Carmelo?" "Don't play around with me!" "I'm going to kill you!" "Melo, it's not funny!" I swam and searched again. "Car—" I broke down into a fit of heart wrenching sobs again. "He is not here you idiot!" I slapped myself and swam back to the edge. I tried to lift myself up, but my hands had no energy left in them. I tried again and slipped. I punched the water screaming. "Now even you won't let me be in peace? Just kill me! Kill me! Kill me the fuck up!" I screamed to the dark sky above.
I grabbed my throat as pain started to get unbearable. The cold water made me shiver. I held the edge of the pool and rested my face on it. Sobbing in silence. "I'm sorry. I 'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." My body rocked back and forth.
I couldn't recall how I did it, but I was now laying on the pool bed again, wrapped in the bedsheets. Back to counting stars till the sun comes up.