Kenji Tanaka was having a normal, boring Tuesday like any other, staring at a math test he'd failed—that big, fat zero burning into his retinas—while standing in front of the ramen aisle.
He was deciding what would be good for dinner. Knowing how Mom would react to his grade, he knew no food would be provided today. Not with the big goose egg he'd laid. Dad certainly wasn't going to stop her either.
Mom might be sweet most days, cooking for Kenji with a big smile on her face, but that smile could turn grim in an instant. Kenji shuddered with fear every time he had to present a test score. For Mom, virtue and violence were separated by a hair's breadth—once she brought out the sandal, Kenji had better run for his life.
Suddenly, a magic circle appeared beneath him, glowing so brightly it was practically a flashbang, engulfing him completely.
"What the—" Did he just pick interdimensional ramen? But before he could finish his thought...
BANG—Then there was nothing.
Kenji disappeared and found himself in a marble hall so unnecessarily ornate it violated several building codes—but damn, it looked cool.
He was surrounded by his entire homeroom class. Just when he'd thought he was special for getting summoned like those isekai protagonists, it turned out he wasn't—all twenty-three of them were there, including Watanabe, who'd been picking his nose when the summoning happened and was now trying to discreetly hide his booger finger, probably wiping it on his uniform. Kenji winced in disgust. Dirty slob.
A king stood—mid-50s, with an impeccably styled beard that definitely had its own personal barber. His gold-heavy robes could blind someone from across the room, while his wife beside him practically came with her own halo effect. Kenji covered his eyes—he was too young to go blind. Even the golden throne looked like it was compensating for something with all that gold plating.
"Heroes from another world!" the king proclaimed with the dramatic pose of someone who'd practiced in the mirror numerous times, which must have accounted for his insecurity. "We have summoned you all here today to ask for your help—your help to defeat the Demon Lord who threatens our kingdom! And human existence itself!"
Oh god, Kenji thought, watching his classmates' faces light up. I'm in one of THOSE anime. The kind where the protagonist gets a harem by episode three and somehow becomes overpowered just by breathing differently. He paused. I mean, I'm not rejecting the idea of having a harem and being overpowered—that sounds fantastic.
A woman strutted out from behind the king—the royal appraiser, as he introduced her. She was a smoking hot blonde MILF dressed as if she was ready for show business with those tight hot pants, a big goofy hat, and lips that could make a grown man weep. She held a crystal ball like it was a prop in the world's steamiest magic show.
"Well, well, well..." she purred, her voice like honey mixed with sin, letting her eyes roam over the group of young heroes with obvious appreciation. "Look at all these delicious young specimens we have here."
She bit her lower lip while making eye contact with several of the boys, causing half the class to turn red. "Don't worry, sweethearts... I'll take very good care of you during your... private training sessions." The way she emphasized those words while running her tongue across her lips made it sound like it should come with a PG warning.
Leaning forward just enough to make half the boys in the class forget how to breathe, she whispered just loud enough for everyone to hear, "I promise to be very gentle with you precious little heroes... at least at first." She straightened up with a sultry smile, crystal ball glowing brighter in her hands. "Now then, who wants to go first? Don't be shy—I don't bite... much."
His classmates were losing their collective mind completely, or, as the youth would call it, "going bananas with excitement".
Yamada Muda, the classroom jock, was flexing his abs and striking poses like he'd already conquered three kingdoms and become the handsome harem protagonist, despite the story having barely begun.
Popular and kind Sakura Saka was practically glowing literally, since she'd apparently gotten Light Magic and was now brighter than those Amazon flashlights. She was hot, figuratively and literally. Maybe too hot—Kenji had to take off his jacket to avoid getting burned.
Even Tanaka Keisuke (the other, less cool Tanaka) had received "Ultimate Analysis," which sounded way cooler than it probably was but made him push up his glasses and smirk like he was the protagonist of some high-IQ anime. Kenji supposed it fit someone like him—an over-dramatic, analytical pretty boy.
"Yamada Muda! Fire Magic, Rank A! You shall be known as the Crimson Star Hero!"
"HELL YEAH!" Yamada shouted, immediately trying to shoot fire from his hands and nearly setting the tapestries ablaze. Calm down, you maniac! Kenji thought. I swear, one of these days Yamada's constant need to show off is going to bite him in the ass.
"Sakura Saka! Light Magic, Rank S! The Radiant Light Hero!"
Sakura curtsied like she'd been practicing for this moment her entire life, which, knowing Sakura, she probably had through all those manga she read.
"Yay!" She jumped up and down with the enthusiasm of a cheerful golden retriever. We-I can see your panties, you know, Kenji thought. Yet he couldn't stay mad at her—she was the kindest and most caring person he knew, despite being a total idiot airhead.
"Tanaka Keisuke! Ultimate Analysis, Rank A! The All-Seeing Examiner!"
"Fascinating," Tanaka muttered, his glasses gleaming as he stared at everyone like they were particularly interesting specimens. "The magical patterns are clearly..."
You've been here for less than a minute—don't try to act like some mad scientist who's gone native, Kenji thought.
Finally, it was Kenji's turn. The royal appraiser sauntered toward him with a sultry smile, her hips swaying hypnotically. Kenji was confident he would receive something awesome... only for those hopes to come crashing down.
"And you, handsome," the royal appraiser gazed deeply into her crystal ball, her seductive smile quickly melting into barely concealed disgust, like Kenji was gum stuck to her designer shoe. "'Minor Environmental Adjustment'? Rank... E? What even IS that?" Her voice had shifted from sultry temptress to disappointed mother discovering her child's report card.
The entire hall went silent. You could hear a pin drop, Watanabe's stomach growling, and what sounded like the king's beard stylist weeping softly in the corner.
"That can't be right," Kenji said, just as confused as everyone else. Wasn't it standard for isekai protagonists to receive epic powers upon summoning? Wasn't that, like, a rule?
Kenji shrugged with the resignation of someone who'd just discovered his superpower was extremely lame. "Sounds like I can maybe... adjust the temperature? Make it less humid? Fix squeaky doors?"
The king's face went through several emotions—confusion, disappointment, mild constipation, existential dread—finally settling on the expression of a man who'd ordered pizza and received a salad.
"Right. Well." The king cleared his throat like he was about to deliver terrible news. "Everyone else gets royal treatment, luxury accommodations, personal trainers, and epic quests to save the kingdom! You get... uh..." He leaned down to whisper frantically to an advisor, who whispered back while gesturing apologetically and checking his book on how to deal with useless people in your life (I am not even a part of this story, and yet I feel offended). "You get to explore the Abandoned Mining District! Alone! For... character building!"
"Wait a minute... That's just prison with extra steps!" Kenji muttered under his breath.
"What was that?" the king asked.
"I said that sounds absolutely fantastic, Your Majesty," Kenji replied with a smile so fake it could have been made in China. "Really looking forward to that character development." It was hard to argue with two sharp blades pressed against his throat by the guards.
"Hey! That's not fair!" Sakura spoke up, her light magic flickering with her emotions. "We should all stay together!" Thank God she was here.
"Now, now, Radiant Light Hero. Don't worry! We're just sending him on an extended vacation so he can sharpen his skills!" The king was barely containing his laughter at his own bullshit.
Sakura's brow furrowed, but she nodded slowly. "Well... if it helps him figure out his power. Then that's okay then." Oh no, Sakura ishere. And she soon returns to her world.
"Sakura! Don't believe—" Kenji started to say, but his voice cut out mid-sentence. Someone had just used silence magic on him. The royal appraiser smiled innocently.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk..." The royal appraiser clicked her tongue disapprovingly while sauntering over to Kenji, her hips swaying with each step. "Such a naughty boy, speaking out of turn." She traced a finger along his jawline before pressing it against his lips with a sultry smile. "Bad boys need to learn when to keep their pretty little mouths shut." She winked at him before gesturing to the guards. "Take him away, boys."
Kenji kicked and screamed as hard as he could when the guards dragged him by his feet, but no words or sounds came out. He cursed the hot royal appraiser from the depths of his soul.
He could see Yamada and Tanaka comforting Sakura while he was being dragged away. They glanced at him and smirked. Those bastards! Kenji tried to scream, but to no avail.
The evaluation ceremony resumed for the rest of the unimportant mob characters once Kenji left the room like nothing had happened.
LEFT SIDE OF SCREEN: EPIC HERO TRAINING MONTAGE
[Triumphant orchestral music swells]
The heroes were led to the Royal Training Grounds, a sprawling complex that looked like someone had combined a five-star resort with a military academy and sprinkled it with magic sparkles.
"Welcome to your new home!" announced Master Siegfried, a mountain of a man whose muscles had muscles which then had even more muscle and whose confidence could power a small city. "For the next three months, you will undergo intensive training to unlock your true potential!"
Yamada punched the air. "BRING IT ON!"
The montage began in earnest:
Week 1:Yamada learning to control his fire magic, accidentally setting his own eyebrows on fire but looking cool doing it, at least as cool as someone who have first-degree burn could be.
Sakura practicing light spells that could illuminate entire kingdoms while somehow making her hair blow dramatically in wind, even though she is in a locked room...
Tanaka analyzing everything and taking notes in a leather-bound journal that definitely wasn't from Earth, Prick! We have superior paper, in your backpack, compare the fantasy world yet you want to be a opulent nerd.
Week 2:Yamada sparring with magical constructs, his flames growing more intense as inspirational music reached crescendo levels.
Sakura learning healing magic because of course the pretty girl gets healing magic.
Tanaka discovering he could analyze people's weaknesses and immediately becoming terrifyingly efficient at combat strategy yet that never got tested.
Week 3:Yamada's flames now burned blue and could melt steel.
Sakura could blind enemies with pure radiance while looking like an angel descended from heaven.
Tanaka had figured out the mathematical principles behind magic and was basically cheating at everything.
The royal chefs prepared bountiful feasts. Beautiful servant girls brought them towels and definitely weren't there for fanservice reasons, maybe...
...
Sorry, I was too distracted by the BOUNCING melons.
They slept in beds softer than clouds and woke up to gentle harps playing.
RIGHT SIDE OF SCREEN: THE WORLD'S SADDEST PRISONER TRANSPORT
[Sad trombone music plays at half speed]
Meanwhile, Kenji was being dragged away by two orc guards who looked like they'd rather be literally anywhere else.
"So," Kenji said conversationally as they shackled his wrists with chains that seemed unnecessarily heavy, "is the Abandoned Mining District actually abandoned, or is that just what you call it to make it sound more adventurous?"
"Shut up," muttered Guard A, whose name tag read "Steve" in what was definitely not this world's language.
"Steve seems friendly," Kenji observed to Guard B, whose name tag read "Also Steve" because apparently this kingdom had a serious creativity shortage. Let's just name them Steve Rude and Steve Quite.
The journey to the prison was taking place in real-time alongside his classmates' training, which was a montage, which meant Kenji got to experience the slowest, most awkward prisoner transport in history.
Week 1: Kenji was loaded into a cart that seemed designed for transporting potatoes rather than people. The wheels squeaked. One of them was square. The horse pulling it looked personally offended by its life choices and Kenji.
"Are we there yet?" Kenji asked.
"No." "How about now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"If you ask again, I'm going to make this trip longer out of pure spite," Steve Rude threatened.
Week 2: They stopped at an inn where Kenji was given a room that was basically a clothing closet. The bed was a wooden plank, no pillow though because it was too fancy.
"The amenities here are really something," Kenji told the innkeeper, a woman who looked like she'd given up on life sometime during the previous century, maybe even earlier judging by her gray hair.
"Shut up and eat your gruel," she replied, sliding him a bowl of "something." Technically it is food, at least.
Kenji poked it with his spoon. It poked back.
"Is it supposed to move?"
"Only if you're lucky." Thank you, mob-san #568922, very helpful.
Week 3: The cart broke down completely. They had to walk. Kenji's chains were heavy enough that each step required genuine effort, but not heavy enough to be dramatic or meaningful—just annoying, like a shopping cart with one broken wheel.
"You know," Kenji said as they trudged through a landscape that looked like it had been designed by someone who never genuinely went outside, "I'm starting to think this isn't actually about character building."
"Ohh Really?" Steve Rude replied with sarcasm so thick you could cut it with a knife. "What gave it away? The chains? The fact that we're literally taking you to somewhere that is 'abandoned' ?"
"Mainly the chains," Kenji admitted. "Though the 'abandoned' thing was also a pretty big clue."
SPLIT SCREEN CONTINUES:
Left side: Yamada achieved his first "ultimate technique," a massive fire tornado that made everyone cheer... and run away when it went haywire.
Right side: Kenji tripping over a rock and face-planting into mud while his guards debated whether they should help him up or just drag him. Steve Rude was very keen on the prospect of dragging Kenji.
Left side: Sakura healing a wounded training dummy back to full health with a gentle touch and a smile that could make angels weep. Heck, even the dummy shed a tear.
Right side: Kenji asking if they could stop for bathroom breaks and being told to "hold it" while Steve Quite ate lunch in front of him without offering to share. Might have to rename him to Steve Rude 2.
Left side: The heroes receiving custom-forged weapons from master craftsmen, each blade perfectly balanced and enchanted with powerful magic.
Right side: Kenji's chains getting caught on a tree branch, leading to a five-minute struggle that ended with him hanging upside down while both Steves argued about whose job it was to cut him down.
Left side: A dramatic ceremony where the heroes were officially dubbed with their hero names and given royal crests.
Right side: Kenji finally arriving at the Abandoned Mining District, which was indeed very abandoned, while ominous thunder rumbled overhead despite the clear sky.
The split screen finally ended as both groups reached their destinations simultaneously.
The heroes stood proudly in their gleaming armor, weapons at their sides, ready to face any challenge.
Kenji stood in shackles at the entrance that had "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE" carved above it in what looked suspiciously like Comic Sans font.
"Well," he said, "at least it can't get any worse from here."
Thunder rumbled again. A crow cawed ominously. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled. Steve was playing the drum, though I don't remember which Steve he is.
"I really need to stop saying things like that," Kenji muttered as they shoved him into the darkness.