"I believe the grand duchess is still furious about that incident, She hasn't hosted any more gatherings after that." Anna said, pondering to herself. She had become outspoken now that I'd frequently ask for her assistance over the other maids. She was witty, basically a hidden gem.
"Then Anna tell me, has the duke caught wind of my mother's schemes?" I asked, expecting no answer. To some extent, her honesty would be overriden by the rules that restrained her from talking too much. Of course, she wouldn't dare say bad things toward her employer.
But today, It seems that I had underestimated her.
"I believe so. The duke has eyes and ears everywhere. Not to mention, this is his territory after all.." I was taken aback by her answer. It is indeed factual, and no malice hid under those words. I smiled proudly, knowing I took in a good ally.
"Good, I commend you." I said satisfied.
"Of course, what else do you want to hear?" Anna asked again as she combed through my locks gently.
"Do you know my husband's schedule? I just want to know how his day goes. Nothing specific." I inquired. She halted what she was doing and pondered for a moment, humming to herself.
"Hmm, I can't exactly pinpoint the details..but I shall ask around." In the end, she sighed.
"Do so with discretion. Others might suspect you of something ill." I warned. We had to take precautions, Anna was serving me–the "air headed duchess"- where everyone would nitpick at every move I do.
I can't risk losing a card after just acquiring it.
"Yes, duchess, I am at your disposal." Then, without any other fuss, she left the room.
Now it was all quiet again. The view outside was tranquil and calming. I decided to open the windows for the cold breeze to crash my skin. For a moment, I felt like a bird, soaring the skies.
Perhaps the tranquility was the trigger—all the thoughts that I struggled so hard to lock away in my head returned like the gushing wind. And there was grief, once again. In this same room, I cried for weeks on end for my poor child. He was my only family in this cruel world, yet he couldn't even meet me.
Even ducks have companions. Even if an ugly duckling was born into beautiful ones—it'd still have its family with it, on the same pond, trailing each other.
On such a quiet night, I couldn't even bear to
close my eyes, nor stop thinking.
Just how much damage pain did I have to endure just to keep my god forsaken husband? I don't know, I never thought of myself until now.
***
"Madam.. your complexion isn't well, I shall bring in the doctor at your command."
Anna felt uneasy, even I started to look worried when I saw myself in the mirror.
"No, it's alright. Instead, I want to eat breakfast in my room." I turned to look at the anxious Anna, it felt nice having someone show that they were concerned for me. And it felt even more rewarding because Anna usually had a stoic and blunt expression majority of the times we were together.
It felt refreshing seeing a new side of her.
Reluctantly, the maid left the room. On her way to the kitchen, she resolved in bringing twice the nourishments for her mistress.
When finally left, I heaved a heavy sigh of relief. Last night, I couldn't sleep without having to shed tears and toss and turn. I doused a bottle of sleeping pills in hopes that my migraine would go away in my slumber–and I was so wrong. What was I thinking? I might've really ended myself right then, and I'd only be dying in vain.
There were gaps in my memories that night, I don't even remember what I was crying about so hard that it puffed my eyes so badly.
I was observing my appearance carefully when I heard a knock, it couldn't possibly be Anna–she just left.
"Madam, This is Dylan." The voice behind the door was evident with urgency. What was the duke's aide doing here?
I rushed to the door as this has never happened before—was something wrong with the duke?
"What is it," I query to the breathless man infront of my door.
"Madame, the duke—he has collapsed," before Dylan could catch his breath, my body took initiative to shove him out of my way and bolted out of the annex. I didn't care if I looked undignified, nor did I have a care for being in my pajamas. I wanted immediate answers to the questions in my head. I wanted to know if he was safe and sound.
Theo had always been healthy, apart from the poisoning incident, he didn't have any record of falling ill since adulthood. And now what? that same man has collapsed?
'He had better off died at once rather than be sick,' That was too harsh.
I reached the main residence all ragged and out of breath, despite my condition, I still pushed through without knowing why. I just felt the urge to be there—like I've always been in the past.
I pushed my way in despite the servant's stares of a variety.
When I finally reached the door to my husband's quarters, a guard halted me.
"Madame, the duke has ordered noone to be let inside." the guard spoke sternly, but I wasn't there to waste anymore time–the picture of my husband lying in bed ill constantly reappeared in my mind. I can't bear it—I ought to be there.
"I am his wife!" I cried out. With all my might, I banged the door as hard as I could.
"Who knows what's going on in there? None of you would know if he had fainted—" I yowled. There was no hope, unless Theo would allow, then this situation would end well.
"Please," I say, pleading whilst holding back the tears that welled in my eyes. At this moment, I didn't know if I was losing him forever, or that I was more concerned about not avenging myself, or either failing to divorce. I was overwhelmed, and restless.
what was I afraid of?
After a minute or so of endless arguing, we both heard a loud thud. Without wasting even a second, we busted the door wide open.
The guard shrieked upon the sight, calling out 'duke' and aleternating in between curses and cries. Followed by the rushed footsteps of multiple–maybe even dozens of people. The entire room was a mess, broken glass everywhere with drops of blood scattered at every step. There at the corner was my husband, curled up in a pool of his own blood.
I rushed towards his direction. The man was moaning in pain, how could I not cry?
"You...what the hell were you trying to do?.."
I bawled, holding his hands that were as cold as ice. He had wounds everywhere—firstly he was barefoot, and he was bleeding profusely from his head.
His lips—that were reddish in hue then, was pale and almost violet.
His well kept hair, was disheveled along with the drips of red clumping his strands together.
"Hurry and call the doctor," I wailed. The guard was thrown into panic and bolted out as fast as he could manage.
I cried out to my husband over and over again, repeating words like, "I won't be selfish anymore," , "stay alive."
I reached for his hands again and brought it to mine, I could feel my face rise in temperature as the tears kept flowing, so I brought his palms to my cheeks–hoping it could warm him, even just a little bit.
"Madame..the duke's..‐" A voice from behind surfaced, her voice shaking and seemingly terrified. I paid it no mind, however my hands felt something that made my heart ache like grief.
My husband was planning to die.
He slit his wrists.