"August 20th. As usual, I haven't done anything interesting, if anything. I've just come from touching myself, so I have little to do if I focus on that shit. I want to kill whoever created fucking porn. What a disgusting thing. As if by sticking a dick inside me would make my life instantly improve. If I'm looking to satisfy myself, the best thing would be to just shoot up. Although, well, I know I'll never indulge in either of those things. I'm neither a whore, like the ones in my class, nor a drug addict, like the ones in my class.
"I have no idea if that's what they actually do, but they seem so retarded that they give off that impression. Or at least, they don't seem like good people. A good person wouldn't sell their body or damage it like that, if they do."
"Likewise, it's my fault I'm such a slut... What does it matter, as long as it doesn't affect anyone, it's all good. It's something I've already ingrained so much in me that I don't care what I do. If I feel like it, I'll do it and that's it, there's no need to think "Oh no! I did it again! I'm a shitty person!" because I already know that very well. Although I won't be a shitty person as long as it doesn't affect me when talking, and if the only one I talk to is Riku then it's fine. I'm leaving, I've already talked too much, and I'm too lazy to delete it all. In reality, I'm going to screw myself. FUTURE AMAYA, YOU CAN'T ERASE ANYTHING YOU PUT HERE, IF YOU DO, YOU HAVE TO TELL RIKU THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE HIM A LOT. Heh, how's that? How stupid."
"August 21st. I was going to make one more comment about the day, although, well, it was the usual. This time I spent a bit of time in my brother's room, and no, we didn't hook up. Clearly, I have too good a body for him to handle it, plus it would just be disgusting to do it. All of you who have committed incest, die."
"It's one thing to imagine it, which, well, is something more normal. I admit I've done it, but not for pleasure. In the end, it's something that comes naturally, and it's also a way to see if you're mentally screwed, because if you agree to something like that—from inappropriate touching, kissing, and then fucking your brother/sister—you're crazy."
"It's another thing to say that if that person weren't related to you, you would go out with them, or more. Sometimes siblings get along because of who they are, not simply because they've spent a lot of time together. And I'll clarify this again. I don't like Riku, in the romantic and sexual sense of the word, but I love him as a person and as, well, everything, apart from those first two things, of course. I really shouldn't be writing this here; there's already a personal note for him, but whatever, this isn't a farewell letter or anything anymore, it's my diary! And I can put whatever I want in it! Suck my dick, I don't have any if you object."
" Back to the topic, if we were from different families, we wouldn't have even met, because of the age difference, and well, because of the problems I have now regarding 'you know what', but if for some reason I had met him, hehe, I'm sure we would either be best friends or boyfriend and girlfriend. Just thinking about doing those things with Riku in my head disgusts me, but if there's someone like him out there, I want to meet him right now. Well, I'm done sucking his dick for today, I'll talk about something else tomorrow. I want to make it clear here that if it weren't for me, I would have deleted all of this. No, I'm going to delete it, I swear I will. Okay, I'm going to the bathroom for a moment and then I'll delete it."
I had to pause several times while reading this. I was very tense from the moment my name appeared. At first, I just sank into the text, smiling slightly at whatever nonsense I'd written, but little by little, I began to truly remember what this was all about.
This is a sad thing. It's the last time I'm going to experience or feel something like this, so what do I want to do with it? I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or both.
I put my hands to my head after finishing this passage, trying to calm down and focus on reading. It was difficult, but I managed to concentrate solely on the text, without thinking about anything else outside of it.
No, it's not that I didn't think about anything, it's that I lied to myself.
How could I read all this without doing it?
Everything's fine. She's fine. Nothing's happened, it's just a coincidence that I stumbled across this here now. Yes, I'm a bastard who hacked into his sister's computer to read her private things, her most morbid secret. Yes, everything's fine, everything's fine. Tomorrow I'll be able to hear her voice, tomorrow... But not today.
For that reason, I was able to continue reading the document. I didn't want to laugh, I didn't want to cry, I just wanted to read, to understand what this was, to understand its purpose, to understand everything. It was my responsibility.
There was another jump, from 20 to 25.
" August 25th. Would it be weird if I said I wanted school to start now? Dad recently called and told him I've been transferred to a different class because of my supposedly "high academic performance." They told me I'm going to 1-C now; I used to be in 1-E, by the way.
"Until today, I didn't know such a sudden class transfer was possible. I have no idea what the people at my high school are thinking, but I'm not going to complain either. Come on, if they're calling me smart to my face, they'll transfer me to a class with more decent people! At least, I hope so."
"I don't know who my classmates will be, even though I've probably seen them in the halls more than once. I doubt they even know I exist, so we're on the same level. I said they're going to transfer me, but it was more of a decision, one I accepted without thinking about it at all. I wasn't already comfortable in class, and I didn't like anyone, so I'm excited to make this change. I'm going to make 100 friends! I guarantee it!"
"Now seriously, I want to be able to talk to someone already. I'm tired of talking to myself on this stale sheet of paper. I'm not going to ruin my presentation by making it simple and boring, but I also have to make it somewhat normal, or else I'll be seen as weird."
"So what am I saying? I don't have much to say about myself. And why am I writing this? I guess I'm better off this way. No, even better, this is a written statement of my goals, which I will definitely achieve! Although I only have one, and not because of the class change, this is the only goal I have in my life right now.
"I'm not saying this because I'm feeling down, it's the truth. I don't have goals or dreams or anything. I'm not interested in anything in the future; I just consume what I like and that's it. And that's not going to get me a job. And no, I'm not going to do things like being a video game developer, a video game storyteller, or anything related to that. I like to play games, not make something from a game. For that same reason, I'm not going to write anything either. I have ideas, yes, but I'll pass. I wouldn't even do it as a hobby."
" Anyway, I'm really sleepy. Now that I think about it, it's really late. I shouldn't have started writing like crazy. I'm such a fool. Anyway, good night!"
He was speaking in front of me. I felt as if a faint voice was echoing through each sentence he read, displaying an almost realistic intonation and humor.
It's not my inner voice, I was doing it unintentionally, but at that moment I felt like I was reading while I was speaking. The next jump was from August 25th to September 2nd.