A white space. Everything around me was a white space. I was in that white space, on my knees, helping her until just a moment ago.
My hands. My shirt, my face. For some reason, it was stained with tiny drops of blood, but my hands were covered in it.
I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything. Everything was-
A white place. I don't know what this is. What is this? And Amaya?
"Amaya!" I shout her name while looking at the ground. Surprised and angry, I look at the ground, I look at the ground.
"Ah...Ah!…" I gasped.
AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA, AMAYA.
A white place. Everything around me was white. I was in that space. He was in that space. He was standing in front of me.
Wait. It's him. He called me that. This son of a-
'Where's Amaya?' I was, to say the least, desperate.
"I didn't take her anywhere; it was you."It was me, me, me, me, me.
The person in front of me was staring at me like I was vermin. He was looking down on me. It disgusts me. He should be dead.
A white place. He wasn't wearing the same clothes as I was, but I've seen those clothes before.
A white place. I know that hair.
A white place. That look.
A white place. That voice.
A white place. What did he just say?
"Amaya…" Hatred. Contempt. Envy.
"You're too late." Laziness.
"GIVE ME BACK AMAYA!"
I tore at my throat. I stood up and punched him full in the face. I hit him again and again. I was out of my mind.
Every time I hit him, I felt nothing. I couldn't feel my fists, nothing hurt. I just wanted to hit him. Again and again and again.
'Amaya, Ayama, Ayama.'
I couldn't stop repeating that name. I was going to kill him. His face was disfigured. It would be a surprise to anyone to say that it used to be a person's face.
I was getting tired. I was hitting him with less and less force and at a slower pace. I was struggling to breathe. But I didn't want to stop. One last punch. Just one more.
But, before giving it to him...
I got lost. I got lost in a white place.
Riku was on his knees, staring straight ahead. Staring at a white horizon. There was someone in front of him. There he was.
I want to kill him, I'm going to kill him, I've already killed him, but he's there... Wait. I can't move. What? How? Why?
"What manners. Is this how you greet someone?" His voice was angry and irritated, but his face was calm. He was young, like Riku, perhaps too similar to Riku.
"Oh, whatever. Just know that you brought this on yourself. It's because you're such a savage. If you keep hitting on people like that, you're not going to get anywhere." His voice was calm. Even after being assaulted like that, he didn't hold a grudge against Riku.
The strange thing was the lack of any physical damage. His face was untouched, as if nothing had happened. Riku was confused.
"Well, tell me, where's your excuse?" He looked at Riku. He lowered his gaze. He watched him as if he were a bug.
What excuse? I don't care. Amaya. Give me Amaya. I'm going to save her. She's going to be okay. She's going to-
He looked blank for a moment. He looked up at the sky, and after a while, he started to laugh.
"Even I'm not that optimistic! We both know what's happening and what's going to happen.
"It doesn't matter if they take her to the hospital. It doesn't matter what they do to her. It's annoying, yes, but I've accepted it."
Be quiet.
SHUT UP YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT DID YOU DO TO AMAYA GIVE IT BACK TO ME I'M NOT GOING TO FORGIVE YOU YOU FUCKING BULLSHIT BLOWJOB SHIT EATING IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO TO AMAYA?
He kept laughing while Riku was on his knees.
He couldn't move, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't move the muscles in his face. Nor his eyebrows, nor his mouth. He couldn't show the darkest, most rotten part of his anger.
"Don't you think this is funny? Why are you angry? I didn't do anything! I'm clean! Spotless! Officer, I'm innocent!"
Every time he exclaimed something, he would move his hands in an exaggerated way. He spoke with a comical tone, as if he were in a comedy club.
"This is funnier the more you think about it!" He shouted to the heavens, spreading his hands.
Silence. Only his breathing could be heard. Was he alive? Riku wondered.
Having calmed down, he spoke to him again.
" I see you don't understand what's going on here, and that you don't understand your position either. Ahhh, yes, it's a shame, a pity, a disappointment, what a pain! Thank goodness a kind soul came down to explain everything. But anyway, if you get this angry, I'm going to have to put you to sleep, one way or another."
Riku was still going crazy, his mind a jumble of uncontrolled emotions, which he couldn't release in any way.
I was in a cage, in a shell. A shell of flesh that refused to listen to my commands. Kill, kill, kill, was all I could think about.
But I could hear everything he said.
"Although I can't put you to sleep. If I do, what will I gain? You won't learn anything this way."
He thought about it, putting his hand to his chin.
"I got it! Yes, yes, you're a genius. I'm sorry, my friend, but since you won't cooperate, I'll have to take you out of this world. Don't worry, because…
"...I'm not going to abandon you."
He was grinning from cheek to cheek, grotesquely. The moment he said those words, everything went black.
There was Riku. He didn't want to see anything. He wanted to close his eyes. But he couldn't move either. He couldn't close them. All he could do was see.
His sister's body. That was all he could see. The fleeting vividness of her blood. Her body was lying on the cold ground. Her lifeless eyes. Her throat was completely slit.
Everything. He saw everything and nothing at the same time.
He saw everything, because that was the definition of "Everything" for Riku.
He saw nothing, because nothing remained of that "Everything" Riku believed in. There was only a piece of flesh that resembled everything, lying on the ground, stripped of even the smallest glimmer of life.
He didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to face it. But it was enough evidence.
Although her body was still warm, it was too late, Riku thought, since she wasn't breathing.
Soon, she'd lose that warmth, and her heart would stop, if it didn't already. She just had to wait. No matter what he did, it would all be in vain.
Little by little, he was able to move his eyes. Just his eyes. He didn't close them immediately. He closed them little by little. And the more he closed them, the more he heard that word.
Murderer, Murderer, Murderer, Murderer.
That word repeated itself in his mind countless times, one after the other, one on top of the other.
No, No, No, No.
The only thing Riku could do was deny it. There was nothing else he could do. But he had to close his eyes. It was better to face a thousand lies than to witness a single truth.
Overwhelmed by the noise, Riku managed to close his eyes.
***
"Hello."
He was standing in front of Riku again. The voices had faded away.
It wasn't me.
"Don't try to escape from it." He still had a slight smile on his face.
I haven't done it…
" This is all your fault."
I wanted to help her…
"You killed her."
His words echoed in Riku's ears. Riku tried to cover his face. When he did, he felt an intense warmth. Not from his hands, but from the blood on them.
He had smeared that blood all over his face. Standing up, Riku collapsed, falling to his knees on the ground, bracing himself with his hands to keep from falling completely.
"Ha? Are you going to get on all fours now? Come on, I'm just telling you the truth." He spoke to Riku in a moderately friendly tone, although it was clear he didn't mean to take pity on Riku.
I… with my own hands… No… It's not possible…
When he heard Riku say that, the smile on his face widened considerably.
"Yes, you did it all by yourself. It was quite a sight! Although it took a long time. Poor thing." A brief tinge of sadness crept in after his recurring ecstasy.
"But, you know, it's ironic. Why are you trying to run away? Why can't you look her in the face? If it's true, how can you fall twice on the same rock? You're going to abandon someone you love again, and you don't care? Can't you even realize what you're doing wrong? How is it—"
As he continued talking, Riku began to remember.
"… Fall twice on the same stone?" he thought unconsciously.
What have I done wrong? Have I… abandoned her? No. I haven't done it, have I? Now I haven't done the same thing as before! This is different!…
Is it? I haven't repeated it. I wasn't repeating my mistake.
I haven't abandoned her the way I abandoned my grandmother, have I?