"Ahhh…"
I sighed, tired of today, even though I haven't done anything. I haven't helped at all.
I've only made my presence known and a little else. I haven't helped at all.
I've even contributed only negative things. I feel bad, even though &$%"! Said I was right not to go.
I could have stopped _¨*^?¿ and let the conflict resolve itself, and at least then no one would have been punished.
But if they hadn't punished anyone, those two idiots would have won, right?
I want to believe I did the right thing, but I could have done better.
What I did wrong was not showing interest in the situation itself.
Eventually, someone would have sought out a teacher.
It doesn't matter that I got up first. Even if _¨*^?¿ hadn't gotten up, someone would have. At least, that's what I want to believe.
The people. Was it because I didn't get up out of shame?
No, I just wanted to avoid the situation, as it was a nuisance. I didn't want to do something I didn't need to.
If it's okay not to act, why did =@º\' say that? Could it be that in the end it bothered him that I wasn't going to help him, or that I didn't stop _¨*^?¿ ?
I hope it's the latter, since you don't have to know me well enough to know I'm a fearful person. First of all, I don't know what we have in common other than some tastes and bad jokes.
I want to believe they're my friends, but the more I think about it, the less we have in common.
The only people I don't get that way with are &$%"! And Amaya. Is that all it takes for someone to be my friend?
What is it that led us to become friends?
I'm not saying this because I don't like them, but more than once I've thought about what would have become of me if I hadn't met them, or if we had suddenly stopped being friends.
Do I regret not having done anything? I don't feel like I did with Amaya. I don't feel bad, or burdened…
Maybe I could make up for today by doing something good…
" Mh…"
Yes, I've decided: Today I really want to help Amaya.
I'm not going to cry. Even if I'm a crybaby, I won't today. I'm not going to vent or tell her nonsense again.
She may act just as cheerful, but her tone of voice sounds more tired and weak.
I must be paranoid. It's probably because of my studies. Is that why she asked me yesterday?
Do studies take away so many hours of sleep from you?
Whatever it is, I want to do it. I just hope this spirit lasts until I get home.
Sometimes I'm surprised at how easily I get discouraged about things.
When I got home, my father wasn't there, and my sister hadn't arrived yet.
I guess I'll eat alone today. I'm not complaining; I like it better this way, to be honest.
After eating, I waited for Amaya to arrive, shower, and rest for a while.
I don't want to be a nuisance by trying to help her either. It's quite ironic of me to say that.
I tried to pass the time however I could, all the way up until 6 PM.
I think it's a good time to go bother her. I stopped playing and left my room, taking advantage of the fact that my father hadn't arrived yet.
In the end, I'm going to mess with her...
I was thinking about that as I went to her room. It was on the same floor as mine, the first floor, just at the end of the hallway.
I started to notice the atmosphere was a little off, and by off, I mean I couldn't hear Amaya talking to herself, or doing anything else.
I know I'm worrying too much. I end up hurting myself if I think like this.
When I got to the door, I opened it a little, making as little noise as possible so she wouldn't notice, and looked through the gap.
The only light came from the window, which was covered by a shabby curtain.
"Amaya? Are you awake?" I asked quietly.
"Yes. Tell me." She answered softly.
She was lying in her bed.
She had her back to me, her face toward the wall. She wasn't covered up, but she looked like she was going to sleep.
I never expected that the words 'Napping' and 'Amaya' would eventually be used.
"Are you okay? Are you feeling sick?"
"No, I'm just a little sleepy."
Seeing her like that, I decided to go in without turning on the light and sit on the bed.
If I wanted to, I could stroke her head. No, leave me alone, intrusive thoughts.
"Have you come for something?"
" I just wanted to know how you were doing."
"…"
" Is it so weird that I care about you?"
"What's weird is that you don't talk about yourself afterward…" he said in an annoyed tone…
I'm going to leave the period jokes aside, I don't want to screw up.
"… Sorry for…"
"You don't need to apologize, in the end you'll relieve me too."
What a contradictory phrase, considering your tone a few seconds ago...
"Oh... well, anyway.."
If I continue like this, I'm not going to get anywhere la-
"And, Riku."
"Yeah?"
" What do you think about me?"
"Huh? About how I see you or how I think you are?"
"Yeah, something like that."
There was a brief silence, during which I considered what to say. After shaking off my embarrassment and remembering what I'd said on the way home, I decided to speak.
"Well, if I tell you the truth, I often think I don't deserve you because you're so good. You're kind, and sometimes you know how to put yourself in someone else's shoes.
"You always do everything you're told to do, or what you're supposed to do, and you help Dad with various things around the house.
"You're also good at studying; you never neglect it. You have a good personality and respectable tastes and opinions. I really like that we have the same tastes, but even outside of my own interests, they're still very respectable.
"You have a good mentality, even if you can be a bit pessimistic at times. Deep down, you always care about others. You always want things to turn out well, even if you don't think they will.
"Overall, I think you're a nice person and worth getting to know. On the other hand, I—"
I ended up deliberately cutting myself off, so as not to fall into the same old hole. When the silence followed my monologue, Amaya asked me a question.
"Do you think I'm... uh... easy on the eyes?" Amaya said, embarrassed, her voice a little louder than expected.
"Do you think you're not? And you don't have to say 'easy on the eyes' either. Do you think you're pretty?"
"I-I'm asking you! God… So, am I pretty or not?!" The moment she asked it like that, Amaya's ears turned a slight red.
Even though she struck a chord, she's still that nice. She's cuter than... erm... yeah, she's very cute!!
"Yeah. It's not over the top, but you're above average. Although that's not the most important thing."
"You really think so?"
"Yeah."
I would have asked, "You don't think so?" but I stopped myself.
She'd tell me to fuck off if I said that.
"It's weird you should ask me that. You've told me a thousand times that you don't care what other people think of you, right?"
" ...Did you really come here alone for this? Aren't you going to cry for me and let me comfort you?"
It may be true, but it's not something you should say out loud. I already know that.
"I want to stop doing that…" I said with a regretful tone.
" I don't say this because it bothers me, but whenever you come here, it's either to be silly or to cry on me. Although I don't want you to stop…"
"Doesn't it bother you?"
"No. It doesn't really bother me. It may be in bad taste, but I forget most of the things you usually say to me after a few days, so it's not like I have a huge burden thanks to you."
"Well, what happened yesterday must have been a miracle…"
"The fact that?"
"See? A miracle!"
"Oh, I know what you're talking about!" Amaya had stopped speaking in that tone I'd heard her use lately, and especially now.
"J-just to be sure, it was something about your impression, wasn't it?"
"Ping pong! Correct answer!"
For my part, I was using a much softer and lower tone of voice than normal.
It's a shame I have to force myself to do this voice. Can't I just speak like that naturally?
"How silly." She let out a giggle along with that comment.
"Yes, I am."
After a few seconds, she continued speaking.
"It really feels good to be able to do something like this, and then have it work out. I always feel like I'm not doing anything, but when you walk out of my room, so calm and happy, I can't help but feel relieved and content.
" I can see how it hurts you to cry, but the rest of the time I just see that you need to relax, and that's your way of doing it."
"Relaxing while I cry? It doesn't make any sense."
"No, not at the time, but afterward. It happens to all of us. Don't you always notice that after crying, you feel better, like relieved?"
"Well, not really. If I feel better, it's because of you, at most."
"You're very mushy today, aren't you?!" My sister blushed again.
"Does it bother you?"
"...I'm ashamed."
"If you want, I can stop."
"...You're good at leaving me in bad situations." She said with a slightly annoyed tone, although she was still blushing.
"I take that as a 'yes'?"
"...Yeah."
"…"
" A-Anyway, back to the topic." Amaya paused briefly before continuing. I suppose it was to calm herself.
"I think what you're looking for when you cry is that specific moment."
"Don't excuse my problem with controlling my emotions as a master plan to relax."
"I'm not saying that's the case, it's just what I think. Maybe you're just a baby, which isn't a bad thing if you know how to control yourself when it's time to do so. I think that last part is something you need to improve, little brother."
"Don't call me that!"
"Why? I can't call you that?"
"I don't like…"
"Hehe, now you 're turning red."
"And when did you turn around?!"
Amaya was looking at me with a goofy smile. She looked like she had a neurological deficiency. And yet she looked beautiful! Anyone who calls me a sissy is just ignorant!
"Well, anyway, I can stop doing it if you want. At least, I want to stop doing it."
"Doesn't it feel right to you?"
"...I wouldn't know how to explain it."
"Well, you're doing it now."
"Hey?"
"You're talking to me about yourself right now. You don't know why you don't want to vent to me, do you?"
"It's not that I don't know, it's that…" I just don't want to say it.
I already know what you're going to answer.
'I'm just causing you trouble.' 'I feel bad receiving but not giving.' She'll always answer, 'It's okay.'
"If you don't know how to explain it, you don't have to force yourself. I just want you to know that we can do it whenever you want, even now."
"But I don't have protection..."
She doesn't seem angry, especially because of the really bad joke I made in her face. She even seems satisfied. Only, she doesn't completely convince me.
"If you're in the mood to say that, and I'm calm enough to say that I'd rather be raped than do it with you, I don't think either of us is wrong."
"No, you're wrong. We're both very crazy."
I sighed, at the things we've become.
"Really, you have some great ideas."
"Same for you though..."
Quite the akward silence took over the room. She was the one to gracefully break it.
"If you don't mind, I wanted to watch a movie I had on, and I wanted some popcorn—"
"Oh, so when I walked into the room, I didn't catch you watching porn?"
"You've already lost the moment and the grace. No, that's just not funny. And why does it always have to be something dirty? What a pig."
"Sorry."
She gave a thumbs-up. "Apology accepted!"
"And no, I'm not going to bring you popcorn. You make it."
"But I don't want to go downstairs. I'm already lying down, comfortable in my bed."
"You're going to have to get up to put on the movie."
"Well, you put it on for me."
"Okay, but first, you have to let me pet your head."
"Die. I'll do it myself."
Amaya, faced with my completely innocent and not at all impulsive comment, got out of bed.
The moment she did, I brought my hand up to my face. It covered half of it.
Then I started laughing, like I was a villain. I also put on an exaggeratedly villainous voice.
"Haha! You fell for my trick card!"
"What?!" She played along, her voice equally forced and exaggerated.
"By giving you that condition, I wasn't looking for a reward, but the opposite!"
"...?!
"When I told you about that offer, I knew you were going to give up and stand up on your own!"
"Isn't that literally part of the deal?!"
"I see you're much more naive than I thought. Even if you had rejected me, I would have gone and made you some popcorn and put on the movie. But you went ahead and decided to get up on your own!! Now that you're up, you don't have the excuse of being comfortable in your bed!"
Amaya, seeing my argument, raised her index finger and began moving it from side to side, clicking her tongue in time with her finger. She was saying 'no,' but to what?
She raised her arm and pointed at me. "You're the only one who's deluded here!"
"As?!"
"Yes! Don't you realize the irrationality of your argument, Riku?"
"There's no way my argument has any holes! It's a lie, a feint!"
" Why do you assume I'm going to go make some popcorn?"
"Huh?"
"I may be going to turn on the computer, but at no point did I say I was going to go downstairs!!"
"It just can't be!!"
"Yes! Now, since you're the one leaving my room, you're doomed to bring me a big bag of popcorn!"
"No, I'm not going to do it." I stopped using the villainous voice the moment I said that.
"...At least I tried. I'll come down myself."
Amaya was about to get off. Before she left, I opened my hands in front of her.
"Are you okay? Is something wrong? Don't go and confess, no. I'll tell Dad"
"No. This is solely and exclusively as brothers."
Amaya smiled. She took a few steps toward me to hug me.
"Ahhh, you smell so good."
"Both you and your words stink..." She stopped hugging me after I said that. After that, we both left her room. I went to my room, and she went down to the kitchen.
I'm glad I went. I don't know if she was tired or depressed, but I hope she can feel this cheerful for at least a little while longer.