So an Alien kinda arrived on my stage.
Like, actually. I thought no one was left to disturb me—but this ugly interstellar STD came crawling across light-years just to ruin my punchline.
He had black skin all over, two antennas sticking out like a broken TV's last hope, and big red eyes that screamed "I just got pepper-sprayed by a prostitute." No shirt, no pants, but he was flexing fresh white sneakers. Where'd he get those from? Thanos' shoe rack?
He had wings too, looking like they were brought from a discount cosplay shop, and his black teeth were grinning like a roach who just found out humans sleep and keep the bathroom open. All in all, he was hideous. He so ugly even a blind man would flinch seeing him. One more, he so ugly that when he was born, his mother said to his father, 'Damn, I should have just given you head.'
But anyway, I should do something about this, right?
"An alien!"
"Run!!"
The audience panicked harder than an incognito tab opening in church. My crowd scattered like pigeons on Diwali.
"My son! Go away! Run!" my mother cried.
"Hahaha! Yes! Yes! Run! I am an Alien!" the Alien confirmed, like an idiot auditioning for a jumpscare.
I remained standing on the stage. Dude was on my left, flexing like a discount final boss.
My family begged me to flee. But to hell with that—I finally got this chance. I'm not letting some radioactive moth-man ruin it.
"Everyone! Please sit down!" I said.
The audience froze. The Alien tilted his crusty head. I ignored him.
"Everyone, this is just an act. He's not an Alien. I invited him here for the performance."
I lied. A big fat lie.
"Are you sure?" My mother asked.
"Yes. I am telling the truth. Everything is safe. Sit down and enjoy. You will all get a laugh."
"If you say so…"
Everyone sat down like obedient toddlers. Nobody even questioned how I invited an alien when I've never left the village once. God bless their stupidity.
Only one problem now...
"What the hell are you talking about?! I'm a real Alien!" the alien screamed.
And there it is. Idiot blew my cover like a fart in a lift.
It was my first time seeing a real alien. I could easily kill him—like just blink aggressively and he'd explode. But that would ruin the mood. You can't expect laughs with murder on the menu. They are not those bikers from Earth.
Besides, I had a better idea: use him as free content.
For safety though…
'Turn On my stats.'
[ Okay. Stats On. ]
Now I was safe. My body now tankier than a prison toilet. I can finally start my show. The audience was also eager to witness it.
Here it goes..
"What's your name?" I asked.
The Alien did a little head-tilt, like he just smelled logic for the first time.
"I am Rokagragathanologicafreyalter."
Bro just sneezed alphabets.
"Are you sure it's a name? It sounds like a spell to summon Satan or something." I laughed.
I glanced at the audience and instead of smiles, they had a frown.
Do they not know of Satan? I should have known better.
"What's Satan?" The Alien himself doesn't know that.
Not good. I have to ask something else.
"What brings you here?"
The Alien flared his mosquito arms. "I have come here to KILL everyone! HAHAHA!"
Stop with the Hahaha. I think when the villains forget their dialogues they start laughing.
"You came to kill everyone? How? By showing them your baby photos?"
Pfft.
Someone giggled. Like the first drop of spit on a pervert's mouth.
That was it. I'd found the crack.
"Are you making fun of me?!" the alien growled. His antennas quivered like malfunctioning vibrators.
"Took you long enough, genius."
More chuckles. A few giggles. The dam was cracking.
"You're too small to do anything to me!"
"That's what she said."
The alien clutched his antennas like he was about to call HR. Laughter erupted. My veins were pumping dopamine. I was cooking hotter than Snoop Dogg cooking his cat in China.
Then it happened.
"I WILL KILL YOU!" he roared and charged.
Scythe-hands ready. Wings flared. White sneakers gleaming. Villagers gasped, the tension returned.
TUNG!
He slammed his scythe-arm into my neck.
And absolutely nothing happened.
My neck didn't move. I just blinked at him like, "You done?"
Anyone else would've been reduced to confetti. But I? I was built different.
I turned to the crowd.
"See? Just acting. I'm fine. Zero damage. Now stop worrying and laugh like a poet's wife who just realised the only long thing he has is his poems ."
Relief spread across the crowd like free Wi-Fi.
"Haha! It really is acting!"
"Damn, the guy playing the Alien is so good!"
"Look at that rage! He should join a theatre!"
Perfect. No one here had seen an Alien before. They were having fun.
The Alien though, he was fuming. Twitching. Stomping like a fat woman denied extra cheese on her cheese.
"How dare you mock me?! I'll destroy you!"
I casually checked his sneakers again. Still nice. Wonder if they come in size 9.
"Why exactly do you want to kill me?" I asked.
"Because I HATE you!"
"Hate me? Bruh, it's not my fault your mom sneezed you out mid-abortion."
"I'm not ugly! I was ranked in the top five most handsome Aliens in the Gangbang continent!"
Okay. Now I had to roast him.
"Yeah, bro. Top five—out of five. Ranked right after a horse with down syndrome. Or was it a solo contest with just you and your breath?"
CACKLES.
Laughter erupted. The crowd was howling. I was floating. Grandma, this one's for you.
Though, the Alien started attacking me with every fiber of his malnourished being.
"Why aren't you dying?! What are you made of?!"
"I'm made of something you don't have."
"What's that?!"
With perfect timing, I stared deep into his trauma-filled, protein-deficient soul and replied:
"Good genes."
"Hahaha!"
"Hilarious"
"Stop it, Racis! I am dying!"
Laughter exploded like popcorn in Jefferey Dahmer's microwave. My ears melted from joy. This was pure, unfiltered happiness. My grandma's dream was breathing through me.
The alien finally stopped his tantrum. Maybe the jokes broke his spirit.
But then he said, "This will SURELY hurt you, human."
He raised his leg.
A kick?
I saw it coming—his knee swung up like a 90s Bollywood villain mid-dance. And then I realized—
The bastard was aiming for my balls.
You dare attack the family jewels?
I panicked. I forgot I had the Steel Balls skill, and my PTSD from puberty kicked in. So I instinctively tried to gently push him away.
Problem?
My stats were ON.
So my "light push"...
Turned into a falcon punch from Jesus Christ himself.
SWOOOOOSH!
The alien got launched like a football kicked by Big Foot with shoes on. He flew out of the village, out of the continent, and probably landed on another planet screaming "Platypus Perry!"
Dude straight-up turned into a constellation.
I turned to the crowd. Their faces? Confusion.
Gotta say something to cover up—
[{ DING! }]
Huh?
That wasn't my system. The sky just made a noise.
[{ Racis T of Titilis continent, from Nipplis city, Milkers village, has killed an AWAKENED ALIEN! }]
[{ He is the HERO KING of this world. I, Supreme Man, order all Heroes to obey Racis from now on! }]
Me: "WHAT THE FUUU—"
The villagers: "WHAT THE FUUUUU—"
Even the ants looked up and said, "Damn."
And then—
[ Racis, I can't let you do comedy. Your powers are for more than laughter. That's why I made that message appear. Now everyone knows. ]
That voice. The booming bass that sounds like Morgan Freeman with lots of free time. Supreme Man.
This was his doing. This betrayal. I wasn't even finished with my set yet.
The villagers looked at me like I was a glowing messiah.
"So it WAS a real Alien!"
"And my son KILLED it?!"
"God gave my grandson powers!!"
"HE'S A HERO!!"
"No, HE'S THE HERO KING!!"
They cheered like I just found out a way to not get pregnant while having sex during periods. They were losing their minds, tossing their moral compass in the air like confetti.
And then, the curse of being special hit me.
"He has to become a Hero!"
"He can't stay in this village anymore!"
"This place is too small for him. Smaller than my husband's!"
No. Nooo. That's exactly why I didn't want them to know. They were obsessed with Heroes. I just wanted to be a village clown, not a world-saving protagonist!
"RACIS!"
"RACIS!"
"RACIS!"
Bro it turned into a K-pop concert. I was about to get mobbed by old grannies with selfie sticks now or something?
My family cried tears of pride. I just stood there on stage like a deer who accidentally reached the hood of the lions.
Then suddenly—
THUMP!
THUMP!
THUMP!
THUMP!
Four Thumps happened.
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP
Make them ten now.
Dust rose. Aura shifted. Testosterone levels spiked.
From the dust emerged ten Greek god looking' dudes with golden armor and chins sharp enough to pop even the cherries of squirrels.
"IT'S THE TEN HEROES OF OUR CONTINENT!"
"They came to MILKERS village?!"
"Why is every hot guy showing up HERE?!"
Yeah. These were the legendary heroes of Titilis continent. Everyone in the village had posters of them in their bathrooms. No one's seen an alien, but they had fanfiction about these ten guys. Don't ask for logic—this ain't that kind of story.
They walked toward me.
And then—
All ten kneeled.
In Unison.
One of them kneeled directly in front of my crotch. A little too close. His head was right there. Eye-to-eye with my future children.
I stepped back like, "Bro, you good?"
But he raised his head with eyes burning like the boobs of ghost rider's wife when he fondles them and said:
"CUM."
…
Welp.
Everyone, grab your umbrella—
This could get messy.