One not does simply,
Read the first line wrong.
Anyway, the biggest country on the Titilis Continent is called K Cup.
Which is either a terrible country name… or an amazing bra size. Possibly both.
"You must be wondering why there are only ten Heroes in this whole continent," Erect asked.
I wasn't. Not even a little.
"Yes," I lied like a man caught watching anime thighs in public.
"Because this continent has ten countries. One Hero for each country."
"Oh. So all ten Heroes from different countries pulled up just to escort me? Damn. Royal Uber."
"Of course. You're our King. And not just us—Heroes from all over the world are waiting for you where we're going. Ever since that sky message from the Supreme Man dropped, every Hero's been hyped like rats being appointed in a cheese factory."
"Wait, do messages like that always pop up in the sky?"
"Maybe. But nobody's ever killed an Awakened Alien before. Do it again and we might get another cosmic community ping."
"How many Heroes exist in total?"
"Fifty. Each of the five continents has ten Heroes and ten countries."
Right. And the other two continents? Straight-up alien property now.
"Those two continents taken by Aliens… how many countries do they have?"
"Twenty countries each. They were the biggest continents. So that gave all of us the most damage."
Makes sense. Aliens got that real estate hunger.
Anyway, I'm running out of witty banter. Fast forward, please.
30 minutes later…
We flew past villages like unpaid taxes, and finally, I saw it—a giant gate like the entrance to Narnia's weirder cousin.
"We are here," Erect said, descending like a holy pigeon.
The others followed, and I landed gracefully like a ballerina with back pain.
I was at the front now, facing a massive gate that had the words boldly written:
'Welcome to K Cup'
If this was lingerie, I'd be ecstatic. But alas—it's just a country.
"There are no cities in this country, my lord," Erect explained. "The entire nation is just one massive city."
I nodded, gazing at the two guards beside the gate. Big dudes. Bigger bulges.
"Open it," I commanded like a dramatic villain with zero backup.
They looked at me… then at my armor… then at my crotch.
Why are they examining my crown jewels like it's a rare gemstone in a museum?
"How long?" one guard asked.
Wait what?
You want me to drop stats now?
"9… 8… 8.5 inc—"
"He is the Hero King! Let him pass!" Erect interrupted just before I gave them the full measurement chart.
"Oh! Forgive us, my lord!" The guards bowed and cracked open the gate like it was a can of cringe.
I glared at Erect. "What were they asking?"
"They meant 'how long will you be staying in the country,' my lord. They thought you were some discount traveler."
"I thought they were asking—never mind. Let's go."
We entered K Cup.
Greenery everywhere. Shops, vendors, carriages. Drunkards on the roadside doing interpretive dirt-naps. The whole place felt like a medieval GTA map.
In the center stood a castle so tall and shiny, it looked like Elon Musk tried building Hogwarts.
"A big shot must live there," I muttered.
"That's your new house, my lord," Erect said with a grin.
I blinked. "I live there?"
"Yes. It's been empty for years. But now it has a worthy resident."
So I'm the big shot. Damn. Rags to palace.
"We heading there now?"
"Yes. The other Heroes are already waiting."
"Then why are we walking like it's a morning jog?"
I stopped.
The ten Heroes froze behind me.
"Put your hands on my shoulders," I commanded.
The Heroes obeyed. They obey me instantly. How much pity did Supreme Man feel for me to give me all this?
[ Very much. ]
'Don't answer that!'
Anyway, I activated a Skill.
[ Premature Ejaculation ]
Teleportation. But with the worst branding in existence. It helps me come—arrive is a sophisticated word, it helps me arrive fast anywhere.
With a mighty WHOOSH, we reappeared outside the castle.
It looked like royalty had a baby with architectural overcompensation.
White marble walls. Red flag on top. The flag had two massive spheres on it.
Because of course it did. The country is K Cup.
Nothing makes sense. Everything is suggestive.
Two ogre guards flanked the castle entrance. Built like gym trainers who drink protein powder with their tears.
"Open it," I said, feeling myself.
They looked at me. Looked at my armor. Then stared directly below the belt.
Bro.
Why? Why is everyone doing this?
Are pants optional in this continent?
"How long?"
For the love of all that's sacred. Not again.
These guys just copy-pasted the previous guards' dialogue.
Fine. I know what to do this time.
"I am the Hero King. Open the door."
They tilted their heads.
"We know. But how long?"
HUH?
Wait—this time they're actually asking about that?
Fine. If this is my fate, so be it.
"9… 7… 8.5 inc—"
"They're asking how long you can stay underwater," Erect said right after I started the measurement.
"Why didn't you speak before I started violating my own privacy?"
"My bad, my lord. Protocol."
Protocol, my ass. This is just to make this situation absurd.
I sighed and looked at the ogres dead in their abs.
"I can stay underwater forever."
"You may pass, my lord," they said, moving aside like my trauma wasn't real.
I clenched my jaw and stepped into the castle.
Wait... why the hell did they ask about how long I can under water—
SPLASH!!
Water exploded from the floor beneath me like Poseidon sneezed directly into my personal space.
How it came, why it came—I don't know. One moment I was vibing, the next I was being waterboarded by Atlantis.
All I knew was: I was drowning.
Still, I won't die. I'm built like a cockroach in a microwave—indestructible and mildly unhinged.
The ten heroes were behind me and they were also safe.
Me? I was flailing like a wet sock in a washing machine possessed by Semen—Satan, I mean Satan.
Time to fix it.
[ Make A Fish Foundation ]
A Skill that lets me breathe underwater. Why's it named like a shady non-profit run by sharks? I don't know. Just roll with it.
There's also a Skill called [Jesus] that lets me walk on water. Haven't used it yet. Feels blasphemous. Also sounds like it crashes if you step on ice.
Anyway, the water whooshed upwards, rising like a horror movie budget in the third act. It carried us all the way to the top floor of the castle like we were on Poseidon's elevator.
I emerged soaked, drenched, dripping like guilt on a priest's conscience.
I was wet… like your mom's pussy… cat after she gaves it a bath.
Yeah. I said cat. Stay calm, FBI.
Anyway, a door stood ahead.
"What's behind it?" I asked Erect, still tasting sea trauma.
"The other forty Heroes of the other Continents. They await you, my lord."
Great. No guards. Thank Supreme Man. I couldn't survive another 'how long.'
I put my hands on the door like I was about to confess sins and pushed it open.
Inside:
A long-ass table. Fifty chairs. Forty heads turning at me in sync. It felt like I entered a board meeting of the Justice League if they were drunk and sexually repressed.
I smiled like a celebrity walking into a wrong award show.
Yes. Bow, peasants. Greet your new Hero King. I was ready to sprinkle some divine sarcasm on their lives.
Then they opened their mouths.
"How long?"
…
I blinked.
My soul ascended.
My patience packed its bags.
And my mental health just texted: "It was good while it lasted."
Welp. I guess this is it.
I took a deep breath, stood tall, and decided—
Imma Show Them The BBC.