CHAPTER 13 — No Wonder You're a Teacher
"Teacher, there's no time!"
"Even if there's no time, you can't skip meals."
Asuka barely glanced at the desperate hand-waving Iruka before pushing all three students into their seats at Ichiraku.
"Eat. Three bowls each. I'm paying."
He folded his arms and continued in a lecturing tone:
"Now that you're ninjas, you need to learn a cruel truth—
Treat every meal like your last.
You never know which comes first: tomorrow, or an accident."
He subtly pointed toward the Senju compound.
"As you know, I was born in Konoha Year 33. Senju Nawaki died in Year 37. I still remember it. Poor guy—
when the retrieval team found the body, he hadn't even eaten.
Died hungry. Went to the Pure Land with an empty stomach."
He sighed dramatically.
"Who knows if they even serve food in the Pure Land—"
BANG.
A fist crashed onto his skull.
Asuka hissed, clutching the growing bump. He spun around.
"Who hit me!?"
"Me."
The answer was as cold as a kunai.
His gaze lifted—long white legs, red hair swaying, pregnant belly, forehead vein pulsing—
Kushina.
Why was she here?
As Kushina plopped down next to him like she owned the place, Asuka's face stiffened.
He immediately sat straight and shouted,
"Brother Teuchi, one super deluxe tonkotsu ramen!"
Then he spotted Uchiha Mikoto behind Kushina.
His wallet trembled.
He cleared his throat.
"…Lady Mikoto, any dietary restrictions?"
Mikoto smiled knowingly. She exchanged a look with Kushina.
"They don't care," she said softly. "Especially when someone else is paying."
"Heh…"
Asuka smirked inwardly and ordered a deluxe bowl for her too.
Both their husbands were at home.
Both the wives were out here, eating ramen without them.
Divorce material.
Fugaku should escape while he still can.
The three students watched their teacher grin like a villain plotting tax fraud.
They huddled together and whispered.
"What's wrong with Teacher?"
"He looks like he's thinking something evil."
"I heard Teacher has… issues with his clan."
After the women finished eating and left, the three stared at Asuka, curiosity burning through them.
"Teacher… you three…?"
Asuka looked around, then lowered his voice.
"It's nothing. Kushina lived with the Senju for a bit. She knew Nawaki.
Anyway, the kid starved before he died. Just like Tsunade's other brother, who exploded before getting a meal."
He leaned back and sighed dramatically.
"So remember this as ninjas—don't let me go hungry. And don't waste food."
His eyes drifted toward the direction the pregnant duo walked.
"Seeing both their bellies get bigger and bigger… it stresses me out.
Every night, I dream Kushina is sitting on my chest, using the Nine-Tails inside her to smack me around."
He rubbed his temples.
"And Mikoto…
If either she or Fugaku doesn't get sterilized, I get anxious.
What if some butterfly effect happens and she ends up having more than Sasuke?
The Uchiha clan will implode."
Iruka, Hana, and Yugao stared at him like he was slowly going insane.
"Teacher… what are you saying?"
"Heh."
Asuka rolled his eyes, then pointed straight at Hana.
"Hana. Tubal ligation."
She stiffened, confused.
"You want freedom, right? Your Hyuga situation is a mess. Do you want your next generation to live cursed like you?"
"…Huh?"
She actually looked like she was thinking about it.
Idiot.
Asuka flicked her forehead sharply several times.
"You dummy. I was joking.
You actually considered it?
Don't worry—you won't have kids anyway. Idiots don't get boyfriends."
Then he pulled out a mission scroll and shoved it into their arms.
His expression became firm.
"Mission start.
From this moment on, I'm your instructor and temporary commander.
Follow my orders."
The three straightened immediately.
"Yes!"
"Good.
Iruka, Hana — intelligence gathering.
Collect all information on families whose cats went missing.
Highlight households with only old people."
He tapped Yugao's shoulder.
"Yugao, you're with me.
We're going to… retrieve cats."
"…Understood!"
They split.
Two went to gather intel.
Asuka led Yugao toward the edge of the village.
"Teacher," Yugao said nervously as the area got more remote, "lost pets shouldn't… leave the village, right?"
"No. They're still in the village."
"…Then why are we leaving the village?"
She swallowed.
"Teacher… you're not planning to… that kind of thing… right?"
"Don't flatter yourself."
Asuka waved a dismissive hand.
"I'm not into kids.
We're going to see Granny Cat. She lives outside the village."
"Ah…"
Yugao hugged her chest awkwardly.
"Teacher… can you read minds?"
"No. But that gesture?
Classic reaction when girls encounter a pervert.
And I'm the only man here."
"…Fair enough."
She followed him silently.
When they arrived, Granny Cat's yard was overflowing with kittens of all shapes and sizes.
Yugao's eyes sparkled with delight.
"Asuka, you brat," Granny Cat croaked from her porch. "Here to spend money again?"
"Nope. Business later. Mission now."
Her face instantly dropped to dead-fish mode.
"Talk. What do you want?"
"I need some cats."
"…?"
Yugao stared at him.
Did she hear wrong?
"Get some cats"? What does that mean?
Granny Cat didn't even blink. She flipped through a notebook.
"Village letting you take D-rank missions again?
Shocking. I thought they blacklisted you forever."
"Yeah, well, becoming a teacher resets things. Might as well do D-rank again."
"How many?"
"Twenty to start. Not many cats went missing this week."
Granny Cat nodded.
A kitten ran off.
Moments later—
Hundreds of kittens flooded the yard.
Yugao nearly dropped the ones in her arms.
Asuka put on a pair of cat ears, scanning the army of kittens.
"Listen up.
With Granny Cat, you get food.
But with my method?
You get food and luxury.
Go to Konoha homes where cats went missing.
Freeload."
He pointed at them one by one.
"No scratching.
Be cute.
Be clingy.
Sleep under blankets.
Drive off the original cat when it returns.
Then guide it back here."
He grabbed a fat cat and tossed it aside.
"Not you. You can barely walk."
"Teacher!"
Yugao grabbed his sleeve.
"We can't do this! It's… wrong!"
"What's wrong?"
Asuka put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Those cats ran away.
Actions have consequences.
You run off to enjoy freedom for days and expect your old home to welcome you back?
Ridiculous."
He placed the cat ears on her head.
"Think of it this way. If your husband ran off chasing fun for a week and wanted to come back… would you accept that?"
"…No."
"Exactly.
If cats want freedom, give them freedom.
Find a new cat.
Simple."
When the cat ears settled properly, something clicked.
Yugao could suddenly understand the cats.
They were telling… adult jokes.
Her face reddened instantly.
"Teacher! These cats are weird!"
"Welcome to the real world."
Yugao hesitated.
"But… the colors don't match the missing cats… wouldn't villagers notice?"
"Relax. I know a hair salon."
"…Hair salon… for cats?"
She looked around the kitten army.
Suddenly—
She understood.
This was how he completed thousands of D-rank missions.
Not cheating.
Not laziness.
Efficiency.
No wonder he was a teacher.
Students see rules.
Teachers see loopholes.
She held a tabby kitten close and looked at Asuka with pure admiration.
"…No wonder you're a teacher."