Season: Autumn
Weather: Drizzly
Day of the week: Tuesday
Date: 13th March, 2024
I could barely walk today. Back ache, tummy ache, all over body and lower limb ache. It's a bit swollen and sore between there too. I couldn't go to the pharmacy and was too embarrassed to ask the guys for help. I tried to go today but was stopped first by a security guard at the door and after getting rid of him, I was picked up by the shadow guards and stuffed back inside the house.
Am I a prisoner in my own house now? I can't go anywhere without permission from two busy men and a certain king of the underworld?
Tell them what I wanted? Dream on. Wouldn't that just make them laugh? They probably want me to get pregnant so that I'll stop being so 'rash and impulsive' as they put it. Who's rash? They're rashes. Big itchy rashes that won't go away no matter how I scratch them.
Frustrated, I spent most of the day progressing with my studies. I was so frustrated and angry that I was extremely focused and very productive. I believe I will finish everything by tomorrow.
It was only at the end of the day that I belatedly remembered that there was such a thing as the Internet and ordering online. How could I forget? Was I still living in the dark ages?
But, as it turned out, those pills are restricted. I have to go into a pharmacy and show my face to explain why I needed the pill. Did they have to make things so frustrating? I didn't even have a friend outside that was close enough to ask for help. Would it be too awkward if I asked my already married team leader? If his wife found out, he'd be in big trouble. It was quite the problem.
As a result, I've been scrubbing the bathrooms and toilets sparkling clean to vent my anger on something. And now, I'm even more sore, tired and just want to hug my recently neglected giant stuffed bunny. Maybe watch TV.
But watching TV, that luxury, is only for the rich. If I ever want to move out some day and live on my own, I'd have to return to that life of frugality. In which case, it was better not to indulge and develop bad habits.
So it was that when Stony Boss and the shameless boss returned from work with a dark shadow lord in tow, they saw me in conflict with myself, turning in circles, standing up and sitting down with the television remote. Raising and lowering a hand while staring at the big black screen.
Stony Boss caught on to what was going on in my mind first, when I finally noticed they had arrived and half rose to greet them.
"Oh for crying out loud," he said, picking me up and sitting me on the couch and stuffing Miss Fluffle Longears into my arms. He turned on the television decisively, picked a cartoon channel and placed the remote back in my hands. "If you want to watch TV, watch TV. You don't need to try and save electricity for us. We have more than enough money to spend on something trivial like this."
They had money, but I didn't. Why couldn't they understand?
The dark shadow lord threw himself on the couch beside me, throwing his coat jacket over the back of the seat, pulling me and Mrs Fluffle Longears into his arms, put his feet up and with a sigh, began snoring deafeningly. I turned the television up a notch, while Stony Boss looked down at us on the couch for a long moment, before tossing a blanket over us and stuffing my journal in my hands with a pen.
Thankfully, Shameless Boss had already entered the kitchen with his sleeves rolled up. Otherwise, seeing me in the dark shadow lord's arms like this, he might have come over with a kitchen knife. Especially after he had laid claim to me the other day/night.
The dark shadow lord woke up without being called when dinner was ready, carrying me over to the dinner table while I had forgotten to leave Miss Fluffle Longears behind. She was still in my arms.
Stony Boss pulled her out of my grip and tossed her over onto the couch. Poor dear. She had ended up head down and bottom up. I wanted to go and set her right, but the dark shadow lord had plonked me down on a seat and then paused when I had winced.
Before I could react, he had already torn my top off me to look at all the marks on my skin, scowled and plunged a hand down my trousers to check. He glared back at the two men furious men who were glaring at him and who were already raising the weapons in their hands. A plate and fork for one. A steak knife and pot of hot soup for the other.
"No wonder I thought she smelled different," the dark shadow lord complained with a pout, while I had covered my red face with on hand and covered my chest with my other, too horrified for words. "Which of you gentlemen should I kill? No. Let me rephrase that. Which of you gentlemen should I tell on to Chef?"
Both men froze.
"Did she consent?"
There was no answer and my cheeks were squished between two palms and forced to look up at the dark shadow lord.
"Tell me, little white rabbit, did you consent?"
I nodded at him and gave a shrug.
"It's fine," I told him. "It's not like I haven't been taken advantage of before. Isn't it just something all bosses or superiors do to their subordinates eventually? I just haven't taken the pill, so I don't know if I'll get pregnant. Anyway, he was pretty good, so it didn't hurt much."
The dark shadow lord squished my face until it was all misshapen.
"Do you want to get pregnant?" the dark shadow lord asked me.
"I don't think so. I think I'd make a pretty awful mother. No child deserves to have a mother as useless as me. Didn't you all stop me from living alone because you think I can't take care of myself?"
"What's wrong with her?" the dark shadow lord squished my face some more and demanded, looking at the two frozen and terrified looking bosses. The shameless boss had gone all pale. It looked like he was going to throw up. Was he feeling sick? But he hadn't eaten anything yet? Perhaps he just had low blood sugar?
"She... She hasn't quite been right ever since the day she threw away her mobile phone," Stony Boss murmured. "She hasn't wanted it back since then and screams whenever we try to return it to her or get her a new one."
"Little white bunny, do you know why a man and a woman might go to bed together to do that sort of thing? The sort of thing you did with your boss?"
"Isn't it just a type of torture and a form of control? Kind of like a punishment?" I squinted my eyes, speaking through the distortion of my face.
The hands on my face let go and all three men stepped back with expressions I couldn't interpret into anything other than fear. Deep terror.
"Then, what do you think of kisses?" Stony Boss asked me. "What do kisses mean? What does it mean when you give them and when other people give them to you?"
"Kisses are a type of lying, right?" I smiled. I knew the answer to this question. "Although, when I give kisses, it's usually because I'm happy and can't seem to lie in that moment, but I'm just an oddball. Normally, kisses mean the other person is planning to lie to you or has lied to you and is asking for forgiveness because whatever they do have done or will do to you really hurts. You've all kissed me before, so I won't be angry when you abandon me. After all, you did warn me in advance."
The shameless boss clutched his chest and sank to the floor, barely putting the steak knife and soup down on the table in time. Stony Boss stood frozen, his fork and plate still held in the air. The dark shadow lord's face was flashing through various colours.
"What about hugs?" the dark shadow lord's voice trembled.
"Hugs are just hugs," I shrugged. "It's what people do when their emotions are running high. They don't mean anything other than that you want to trap the other person and hold that moment still wishing time doesn't move on. There are all sorts of hugs. There's the happy hugs. The 'I love you' hugs. The 'I hate you' hugs. The murderous hugs. The lying hugs. Hugs can be interpreted many different ways. Most of the time, it just means the person needs some comfort."
"Finally a more normal answer," the dark shadow lord wiped some imaginary sweat from his forehead.
"You mean my answers about hugs and intimacy were abnormal?" I asked. "I was wrong?"
"Yes and no," the dark shadow lord said, taking a few long and slow breaths. "So when your boss slept with you the other night, what do you think he was trying to tell you?"
"Uhh," I scratched my head, trying to put the feeling into words. "That he was frustrated and needed to vent somewhere so he vented it on me. I must have done something wrong to make him really upset and he was punishing me for it. That's probably all your fault, by the way for playing with me and leaving so many marks on my body. He was angry about it. And then... he just needed a toy to play with or vent on until he was tired of it. So he was pretty much forewarning me that he's going to throw me out soon. You pretty much meant the same thing when you were messing around with me at your place, right?"
The shameless boss scrambled back upright and toward the nearest bathroom. I heard him throwing up in there. Stony Boss looked at me with lingering eyes and then locked eyes with the dark shadow lord. They nodded at each other.
The dark shadow lord pulled me up from the dining table and dragged me to my bedroom.
"Pack your bags," he told me in a tight voice. "I'm calling Chef."
"Is the boss - is he alright?" I asked the dark shadow lord, not quite understanding what was going on. I was feeling rather clueless. "Is he really sick?"
"Yeah. He's really sick," the dark shadow lord said, putting the phone to his ear. "Your bosses aren't going to be able to take care of you for a few days. So hurry up and pack your bags. I'm taking you out."
I blinked and shrugged, starting to pack. It looked like the time had come. I was finally being thrown out. Maybe I shouldn't have let the shameless boss bed me after all.
I left all the new stuff they had bought for me. They probably wouldn't be happy if I took any of it. I only took my old stuff. What belonged to me and Miss Fluffle Longears.
"Chef, are you back in the city? You are? Great. You're at work? Get someone to cover for you. Your cherie needs you to take her in for a few days. We have a problem. Right. She's with me. I'll explain later. Alright. Come and pick her up from my place when you're ready."
Neither Stony Boss nor the shameless boss saw us off at the door. I only heard the sounds of someone being really sick in the bathroom.
"Shouldn't I stay to take care of him if he's really sick? Or is it my fault that he's sick?"
"It's your fault," the dark shadow lord told me with a grim expression on his face. "But don't worry. He'll get over it eventually. You don't understand what just happened so you?"
"What just happened?" I asked, rubbing my nose, while my suitcase was being stuffed in the boot. I carried Miss Fluffle Longears. "We didn't get to eat anything. You sat me on a chair too hard and then tore my top off in front of everyone and humiliated me by putting your hand down my pants at the same time. I'm not exactly sure why you got so angry with me to do all that. I'm the one who should be angry. Then you all said a bunch of stuff and asked me questions and I answered honestly. I don't know what I did or said wrong, but I must have done something wrong for dinner to be abandoned like that. You're all upset, right? I made the boss feel sick or he's feeling sick from not having dinner."
The dark shadow lord rubbed a hand over his face, not wanting to look at me.
"Drive back home," he ordered the driver.
"I'm sorry."
I buried my face into Miss Fluffle Longears' soft fur. Although I didn't understand what was going on, I did know I felt upset and rejected. I must have done something really bad without realising. Something much worse than a whiffy fart in an elevator.
Whiffy farts and what just happened aren't exactly comparable, but there wasn't much else I could think of that could be compared.
I think, maybe, there is something wrong with my head too. Something doesn't feel right anymore. My whole world has pretty much turned into a pile of mush. What am I meant to do?