Enjin waited for him as he collected Lovely Assistaff from the far corner of the gym
An unfortunate consequence of his workout was the fact that he now desperately needed to shower again. And change clothes. He'd have to make a pitstop at his room before he hit the showers.
Wait, shit, he didn't have his room key anymore. Whoever had stripped him of his bags and belongings when he'd first been taken had left him with nothing, and now his one key was probably buried under several meters of rubble.
He turned to Enjin.
"D'ya know if Semiu's up yet?"
"Not sure, but probably not. Why?"
Zanka groaned. He really hadn't thought the workout through, craving a distraction and a return to normalcy so bad that he'd ignored everything else.
"I need a new key to my room." he muttered, embarrassed.
"Oh, hold on." Enjin pulled out a small ring of keys from his pocket, sifting through them before singling one out and removing it from the ring as he spoke. "I should return this anyway, now that you're back. Here."
He tossed the key to Zanka and he caught it, slightly confused before it suddenly sunk in why Enjin would have a key to his room now.
"Thanks." He said quietly.
"No problem. Saves me a trip. But, uh, you should know there's probably a few things missing from your room. I'll get Rudo and Riyo to put them back."
A few things missing.
Zanka just nodded, trying not to show how the sentence had punched him in the gut.
"Okay, thanks."
They'd already started clearing out his room then. It made sense, he couldn't be upset about it. He shouldn't be upset about it. To them he'd been dead. It was only natural that they'd start tossing out the unnecessary items, getting the room back to its blank state and ready to be used by whatever Cleaner joined the organization next. It was just pragmatic, it was stupid to take it personally. But for some reason it still stung.
"By the way, you planning on coming to breakfast or should I bring you a plate?" Enjin asked. "Might be a bit overwhelming."
The fact that Enjin didn't think he could handle a couple people giving him condolences hurt a bit, but this was a good opportunity to prove he wasn't as fragile as his embarrassing breakdowns the prior night had made him seem.
"I'll be there."
"M'kay. Lemme know if you change your mind. Same with the boss meeting."
Zanka wouldn't, but he nodded anyway.
He assumed that was where the conversation was going to end, and began moving to leave before Enjin seemed to suddenly remember something.
"Wait, actually, there's one more thing I wanted to ask." Enjin said, and Zanka turned around. "It's about the Hell Guard."
Like always, just the mention of them formed a knot in his stomach.
"Yeah?" He asked, really hoping it wasn't more news about Jabber.
Enjin scratched at the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable.
"How do I say this...You should know we had to tell them about your disappearance. When we thought..." Enjin hesitated.
"...When I was dead." Zanka finished for him, and Enjin looked over, slightly surprised. Zanka pulled at a loose thread on his sleeve, not meeting Enjin's eyes. "Riyo told me."
"...Right. Yeah, guess I shoulda seen that coming. When we thought you were dead." Enjin said the words as if it physically hurt him to say them. "So when the Guard comes, there's a good chance they'll wanna see you in person. We can try and get around it obviously, send you on a mission or something, but if you wanted to see them..." Enjin trailed off, waiting for Zanka's response.
Zanka really didn't. He was still adjusting to the fact that all the Cleaners had thought he'd died, and that was leagues easier to handle than the idea of his family thinking the same.
"How-" Zanka started before hesitating. He shouldn't care. But he did. "How'd they react?"
He felt stupid asking.
Enjin sighed deeply, looking conflicted again as he put his hands in his pockets.
"Honestly? Hard to say with them. But they were definitely upset. Doubt they'd show it, but I think they'll be relieved to hear you're alive."
It was a nice thought, but Enjin didn't know Zanka's siblings like he did. If they had been upset, it was probably only because he'd tarnished the family name even further by "dying" in such a pathetic fashion. But more likely, they'd been relieved to hear of his passing. Finally able to rid themselves of his dark stain on the family legacy; the Nijiku clan returned at last to what it was always supposed to be, with every living member unflinchingly strong and competent, and him forgotten for good. He cringed at the thought of how disappointed they'd be to learn the truth.
"By the look on your face, I'm gonna guess that's a no on seeing them."
Definitely. It was cowardly to hide, but he could live with that. The only problem was that if he was sent away on an overnight mission when the Hell Guard came, that gave him even less time to figure out how to save Jabber from them.
"Can I think about it?"
Enjin seemed slightly surprised.
"Yeah, for sure. Just lemme know."
Zanka nodded.
"I will."
...
Zanka arrived at his room for the first time since returning to HQ.
He slid Enjin's key into the lock with familiar, practiced ease, but where he expected to feel resistance when turning it, there was none. It was already unlocked. Huh.
He turned the handle and mentally prepared himself for half-packed boxes and a bare mattress, but when the door swung open he was more surprised that nothing was visibly different.
Well, almost nothing. His bed was messy, a state he was sure he hadn't left it in, but other than that, the room looked exactly how it had when he'd departed for the job a month and a half ago.
Only a month a half ago.
He walked in, looking around as he did. Like the hallways, there was something surreal about it. The closer he looked, the more he noticed the slight differences. Books out of their alphabetical order on his small shelf, a few drawers of his dresser not fully pushed in, his incense holder and a small blue cat figurine Riyo had once bought him missing from his desk.
But not the cleanout he'd expected. Not even close.
He walked over and sat on the bed, and then let himself and Assistaff fall backwards onto it, staring at the ceiling.
The sheets smelled slightly like smoke.
...
The mess hall was loud, even muffled through the doors.
Zanka stood outside them with Assistaff. He didn't usually take her to meals with him, but he couldn't stand the thought of leaving her in his room, even locked. He'd briefly left her hidden away in his closet while he'd showered again, not wanting to get her wet –especially in the areas where her lacquer was already damaged– and entirely unwilling to leave her outside the stall unprotected. And even that brief separation had left him feeling like he might throw up from nerves, and once done he'd rushed to get back to her.
He held her with both hands in front of the mess hall doors and breathed all the way out, making sure to relax his shoulders and stand up straight. Chin raised.
He was still the same person.
He pushed the door open and entered before someone could come up and see him hesitating.
The mess hall was bustling with people, as expected, and he was glad to spot Riyo at Akuta's usual table. He caught her eye and made his way straight over, hoping his pace didn't seem too rushed.
He couldn't help but feel more eyes on him than usual, though that was expected, given everything. A few people even stopped talking to look over at him, trying to catch his eye, but when he pretended not to see them they eventually resumed conversation. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Tomme at a table with a few other supporters, and she gave him a small but friendly wave that he returned with a nod. He noticed that Gris was absent from his usual seat, but so was Follo, so there was a good chance they were off on a job together.
He finally sat down in his usual spot next to Riyo and relaxed marginally, glad they had their backs to a wall so he could lean Lovely Assistaff against it.
A fair number of people were still glancing over at him, but it seemed no one was willing to be the first to actually come over and talk to him. Good. For once, he found himself being glad that the Cleaner's weren't exactly known for their social skills.
Riyo slid a mug of green tea over to him, and he glanced over to the serving area where the pot sat.
Before, he'd usually been the one to brew a pot early in the morning for whoever wanted it, and Zanka focused on the part of his brain that passively wondered who'd been making it in his absence instead of the small part hissing that even in this small daily ritual, he'd been so easily replaced.
"Rough morning?" Riyo asked, sounding faintly amused.
He took the warm mug in both hands.
"In a way."
He took a small sip and immediately spat it out, gagging. It was salty. He turned accusingly to Riyo who had a grin on her face, green eyes shining with mischief.
"That," she said, poking him lightly in the chest, "is for lying to me about your little runaway last night."
....Yeah, that was probably fair. She had explicitly told him not to disappear, and then he'd up and vanished not even a few hours later. After lying straight to her face. All things considered she was letting him off pretty easy.
"Here." She said, picking up another mug of tea that had been hidden from sight next to her, and putting it in front of Zanka. "This ones not boobytrapped."
He picked the new mug up, staring at her suspiciously as he slowly took a minuscule sip to confirm. It was fine though, and he gratefully took an actual sip —though he could tell just from taste that the tea leaves had been steeped when the water was still too hot, making it more bitter than it should be— as Riyo exhaled a small laugh through her nose.
"Thanks." Zanka said, putting the mug back down. "And sorry 'bout last night."
Riyo waved him off.
"Don't worry about it. We're even."
Even. In a way, he was glad about the trick. Unlike Enjin, Riyo wasn't treating him like he was suddenly made of glass. She was still poking fun at him and messing with him like normal. The tea was a settled score between the two of them, putting the issue to rest. A way to stop him from continuing to feel guilty about it. Riyo had always been good at that.
She moved her overly full plate in between both of them, along with an extra fork.
"You're welcome to share if you don't wanna wait in line. I probably got too much anyway."
Zanka looked over at the serving area. The crowd wasn't any worse than usual, but the waiting wasn't the issue. The inevitable conversation was.
He looked back at Riyo, her eyes already knowing.
...Maybe it would have felt more patronizing if he weren't so genuinely grateful to have an excuse to avoid the storm of questions and pity he knew was probably coming. Just for a bit longer.
He pretended to roll his eyes, not bothering to hide his slight smile.
"Guess I'll help ya out, just this once."
"How very kind of you." She responded with a smile of her own.
They ate and drank in comfortable silence for a bit before Enjin arrived, setting his meal and steaming mug of coffee down as he planted himself across the table from Zanka.
"Morning team. Rudo and Eisha not here yet?"
"Eisha was here earlier," Answered Riyo between bites of food. "she went to drop some food off for Shikage, he's having an off day. She should be back soon. And I think Rudo fell back asleep."
As if on cue, the door swung open and Eisha came in, focusing on not bumping into anyone as she weaved her way back over to the table, looking up partway through and seeing Zanka. She gave him a kind but nervous smile but he couldn't return it, stuck staring in horror at her face, which now sported a blotchy black eye on the left side.
Any appetite he'd had vanished.
He stood up as soon as she got near, and he could feel his nails digging into his palms.
"Your eye, did I-" He cut himself off from asking if he'd been the one to do it. Of course he was. It wasn't like anyone else would have attacked Eisha recently. "I'm so sorry Eisha. Riyo told me what happened, I swear I didn't mean t-"
Eisha waved her hands frantically in front of her, cheeks bright red.
"No no, its fine! Really! It was my fault, honest!"
"I was the one who hit ya, it absolutely wasn't your fault!"
"I should have gone about it differently, I hurt you! If I just had more experience..."
"You did everythin right, I was the one who freaked out on you for no reason."
She shook her head furiously.
"It wasn't for no reason! It was a stress response, I should have planned for that possibility before I started..."
Out of the corner of his eye Zanka noticed Enjin lean over the table to Riyo, stage-whispering behind his hand with a half-grin.
"It's like a martyr-off. Wonder how long they'll go."
Riyo sighed.
"Probably all day if we don't stop them."
Riyo grabbed the back of Zanka's shirt and yanked him back down into his seat.
"Alright, that's enough. How about you both just call it a draw, huh?"
Zanka bit back a remark about how his transgression was much worse than hers after he noticed that Eisha seemed relieved at the sentiment, nodding gratefully as she made her way over to sit on the other side of Riyo.
Zanka stared down at his mug, now almost empty. He kept trying to make things right, but it seemed no one wanted his apologies.
"Thank you, Eisha." He said instead, looking over at her. "For healin me."
She flushed, looking down at the table.
"Of course! I'm glad you're feeling better." She traced her nail beds with her thumb. "Um, if it's alright, I'd like to do a check-in later, just to make sure I didn't miss anything."
The idea of going back to the infirmary sent a brief but all-too-familiar jolt of panic through him and he hesitated.
Luckily, he was saved from having to respond by a half-asleep Rudo dropping his food tray full of various pastries onto the table next to Enjin and slumping into his seat.
Rudo made a wordless noise of greeting to the table, looking like he could fall back asleep at any second. Enjin just laughed at the sight and Rudo clumsily flipped him off with a gloved hand, the gesture missing its intended target by a few degrees.
Zanka finished the last of his tea to hide a small smile, shoulders relaxing minutely. At least whatever strange mood had come over Rudo the night before seemed to have resolved itself.
"Awww, did lil guy need a nap?" Teased Enjin.
"Shut the hell up, old man." Muttered Rudo, rubbing his eyes. "Not all of us are used t'getting woken up at 5am."
Zanka's brief good mood vanished again at the reminder. Right. Riyo wasn't the only one he'd wronged by running off, he'd caused everyone to panic so early in the morning, made even worse by the fact that he'd already dragged them out of bed once that night.
His left hand made a fist at his side, distantly hearing Enjin's affronted "Old man?!?" and Riyo's snickering. His nails bit into his palm.
He needed to apologize. But for some reason ever since getting back, doing so only seemed to make things more complicated. Enjin had told him not to do it (an order he realized he'd already disobeyed), Eisha had just felt guilty instead, and Riyo had refused it entirely. If Zanka swallowed his pride and apologized to Rudo directly and then he of all people didn't want it either Zanka didn't know what he'd do. Damn it. What could he do?
It was overwhelmingly frustrating, another cruel joke by the universe, that he'd returned back to the life he'd craved so desperately and still couldn't seem to find his footing. Everything was so close to how it was supposed to be, but just off somehow. Changed.
It wasn't fair.
Zanka felt his nails break skin on his left hand and quickly released his fist. He felt a wet stinging on his palm and subtly wiped it on his dark pants under the table before anyone could see. Fuck.
He went to take another sip of his tea only to find the mug empty. Of course. He glared at it, before remembering everyone could see his face, and schooled his expression.
He was still exhausted, any potential rest he'd gotten from his hour of sleep before the nightmare woke him had probably been entirely cancelled out by his workout, and if he wanted to stay awake he needed more caffeine.
He held the mug and looked around the mess hall. There were less people standing now, most busy eating or talking. If he was ever going to get up, now was probably the time...
He mentally fortified himself. He was probably worried over nothing. He'd been lucky enough to miss the general organization-wide reaction to his return, and the number of people who would make a big deal of him being back beyond that was small, probably just limited to his team and maybe a couple supporters. (He hated the hypocritical part of himself that was upset about that, the selfish part that wanted his death to have made a bigger impact than it did. He despised it.) He'd probably get a few questions and maybe some well-wishes, but it wouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be.
He set his jaw and before he could second guess himself, stood up, taking Assistaff with him as he did. He felt Riyo's eyes on him as he walked across the room to refill his mug.
He made it to the far end of the room without issue, and even got as far as being able to pour his tea and carefully pick the mug up to head back before a sudden loud voice from his left made him stumble and almost drop it.
"ZANKA MY FRIEND! IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU ALIVE AND WELL!" Boomed Delmon, who had apparently gotten up at some point, along with Tamsy.
"Volume, Delmon." Reminded Tamsy gracefully from beside him. "And tact." he added, looking composed but fondly exasperated, before meeting Zanka's eyes and smiling. "Apologies for him, but I must say it's quite the relief to see you up and about! We were all very pleasantly surprised to find that Death hadn't laid its claim to you like we thought."
"I...thanks?" Zanka responded, unsure, and Tamsy just nodded kindly.
"Of course, though I'm quite curious wh-"
"CLEANER HQ WAS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU! YOU WERE MISSED DEARLY!" Interrupted Delmon, sounding almost close to tears, and Zanka paused.
Something in him shook at that.
He wasn't close with Delmon at all. He wouldn't refuse missions with him by any means, but whenever they did get sent together he requested to be notified beforehand so he could bring earplugs, and nearly always ended up using them. He respected Delmon's combat ability, and had no real issue with him beyond his general exuberance, but they were far from friends. But Delmon was known for being honest, almost to a fault, and to hear from him that his "death" had had such an effect left Zanka feeling like the world had suddenly shifted on it axis.
...Though, the more rational explanation, the one that made logical sense instead of just feeding Zanka's ego, was that Delmon had just assumed them to be closer than Zanka had. That he'd somehow misinterpreted Zanka's professional cordiality as friendship, and projected his feelings onto everyone else at HQ. That made more sense. That, he could deal with.
"Thank you," Zanka said, mostly to Delmon, but also to Tamsy. "I'm glad to be back. I hope to be able to return to missions soon."
Hopefully that was good enough, and he could make that the end of the conversation and avoid whatever question Tamsy had been about to ask – probably about Assistaff, based on the way he'd been curiously eyeing her. Zanka turned, ready to head back to his table, back to his team, before he noticed a few people who had come up near him during the conversation, with a few more rising from their seats.
Shit.
For some reason, it seemed like Delmon's loud remarks had broken some sort of seal, and suddenly Zanka was surrounded by people, with more coming to do the same every second.
Before he knew it, he was the center of a crowd of givers and supporters, from all teams, all echoing the same sentiments. From people he spoke to regularly to people he'd only been on one or two jobs with. All of them seemed varying levels of emotional as they told him how glad they were to have him back, how much they'd missed him, how they hoped he was feeling alright, to let them know if there was anything they could do.
It felt like the whole world had turned inside out. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
A supporter he'd worked with a number of times clapped him on the shoulder, saying how relieved he was to have Zanka's sharp eyes in the field again. Guita hugged his side and wailed about how much she'd missed his tea. A member of team Beauty he occasionally sparred with told him how glad they were to see he was okay, and how his tips on their form had helped them quickly take down a goliath trash beast recently.
People he'd hardly known and people he'd thought he'd hardly mattered to, acting like his absence had been something that meant much more than it did. More than it should have.
It was overwhelming, and amidst the parts of his brain wondering if it was a dream or desperately trying to rationalize it all somehow being fake was a part that hysterically reminded him of just a few minutes ago, when he'd wished for his death to have made a bigger impact. Another called bluff, apparently. Funny how that worked.
Almost.
He could barely hear himself speak over the noise and his own racing thoughts, and he responded as best he could, to as many people as he could, trying to keep it together externally while feeling like everything he'd ever known as fact was suddenly being challenged and proven wrong.
He'd mattered to them, more than he'd ever dared to hope. He'd been useful enough to be missed this time.
...Maybe he was being self-absorbed. He supposed it wasn't every day someone came back from the dead. There would probably have been that level of excitement for anyone. But still, even so, he couldn't shake off the glow of being recognized by so many people; every word feeding the terrible, reprehensible beast inside him that craved the attention, that still craved feeling like he was something special even when he knew he wasn't.
They'd looked for him. They'd wanted him back. The skills and services he provided to the Cleaners were of enough use that his absence had been felt, and the relief at that confirmation was overwhelming. All-consuming.
And yet, somehow, at the exact same time, all of it felt wrong. It was completely paradoxical, everything he'd wanted and still somehow his mind screamed at him that something wasn't right. Somehow. It didn't make sense, not his reaction or theirs. Something was wrong. It had to be. There were too many eyes on him, too many hands on him, too many voices all saying things that made him feel things he wasn't supposed to. All of it was quickly becoming too much, and his skin felt like it was buzzing. His heartbeat picked up.
Hairs stood up on the back of his neck as he tried to figure out where the sudden sense of being in danger was coming from.
He tried to subtly look around for what was making his senses go haywire but all he could see were Cleaners on all sides, and he subconsciously tightened his grip on Assistaff. Everyone was far too close to her, especially when she was vulnerable like this. (They both were, boxed in like he was, he had no room to swing her properly. They were trapped.)
He couldn't even make out what he was saying anymore over the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears, and only hoped he was saying the right things as he smiled and nodded and tried to subtly back away, only to bump into more people behind him. It was getting hard to breathe and for just a millisecond there was a part of him that was ready to activate Lovely Assistaff and fight his way out if he had to, before suddenly a large back was in front of him and he could smell the cigarette smoke that clung to its clothes.
Enjin.
"Alright, okay, don't crowd our local celebrity. Yeesh. Everyone wait your turn. Animals."
Enjin was creating space, gently pushing people back, and Zanka could breathe again. He heard a few people sheepishly apologize as they backed up, and Zanka shook his head with a smile that hopefully didn't look at forced as it felt, saying something about how it was alright. He could only hope that whatever he'd said made sense, his pulse was still pounding in his ears making it hard to think straight. He was glad both of his hands were holding something; if they weren't they'd probably be shaking. Fuck. As if he could get any more pathetic.
He took a breath and turned to look at the people he'd backed up into to apologize to them, but to his surprise the only two people behind him were Riyo and Rudo.
Riyo had a relaxed posture and easygoing smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and Rudo had a glare that was probably responsible the now mostly cleared path to the exit. Huh.
Riyo took the mug from his hand and grabbed Zanka's arm before speaking past him, towards the crowd.
"Sorry everyone, I'm stealing him for a bit!" Riyo announced playfully, and there were several lighthearted protests a few joking boos. "Team privileges, take it up with Enjin!"
"Wha- hey!" Zanka protested as he was pulled out of the room. "Oh for- Would ya quit draggin me everywhere, I can walk by myself y'know!"
He glanced back at Enjin, and for just a moment a terror seized Zanka at the fact that they were leaving him behind to fend for himself, and then on the very next breath the terror was replaced with utter confusion, wondering why the hell he'd felt that way. There was no danger. It was only the Cleaners. What the hell.
It took until they were fully in the corridor outside the mess hall before he remembered he didn't just have to let Riyo lead him, and yanked his arm out of her grip.
She let him go and he took a few steps back, catching his breath. That uncomfortable buzzing was fading, but not nearly as fast as he'd like. It was still crawling under his skin, head too crowded with emotions that didn't belong.
He still felt distinctly out of his body, and it slowly sunk in that he'd considered attacking the Cleaners in his panic to get out. He tried to tell himself he wouldn't have, that it was just a kneejerk reaction he never would have actually acted on, but he wasn't so sure anymore. He already had, once. With Eisha. And if his team hadn't stepped in he might've done it again.
Damn it.
Of course. Of course he'd done it again. Of course he'd finally freed himself only to become a danger to the people he cared about. And what made it worse was that the only reason he hadn't been was because he'd been savedagain. Humiliating. And this time it wasn't even from any actual threat. What the fuck was wrong with him?
Riyo was still giving him space to collect himself, doing exactly the right thing, and for some reason it filled him with even more anger.
"I didn't need yer help." He spat. "I can handle myself, ya know."
A complete lie. And one he knew Riyo could tell was a lie too.
"I know." Riyo said calmly, "Just thought you might want some air."
He had. And he had needed her help. Enjin's too. If they hadn't stepped in he probably would have made an even bigger fool of himself, at best. It didn't make it any less frustrating. If anything, it just made it more so.
"I ain't some damsel that needs saving." He said with a withering glare.
He knew he wasn't being fair. Riyo wasn't the one he was actually angry at.
It wasn't just anger either. It was so much more than that. Humiliation for having needed the help, shame for his instinctual response to it, grief for how things used to be, fear that maybe he was just stuck like this now. Too many things all fighting for his attention and threatening to swallow him whole. But like before, anger was the easiest thing to hold on to. The safest.
"I know you're not."
She sounded entirely truthful, no hint of deception or pity in her words, and Zanka wanted to throw up.
"Then stop treatin me like one!"
She hadn't been. She was maybe the only one who hadn't been. Until now. Until he'd needed her to. And he didn't know whether to be angrier about the fact that he hadn't been able to do this one simple thing, or the fact that his team had recognized it so easily.
Anticipated it probably. Fuck.
Riyo just looked at him for a very long moment.
And then, he watched as she dropped all the tension from her shoulders, putting a hand up apologetically with that same easygoing smile that didn't fully reach her eyes.
"...Guess I misread it. You're right. That was my bad, sorry."
Zanka felt the floor open up beneath him.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Be so-!" Sacrificial. Forgiving. Kind. She was giving Zanka endless amounts of grace he didn't deserve. Grace he didn't want.
He wished she would get angry. He wished she would yell back, call him out for his blatant lies. Hit him. Something. It was all just so frustrating, made worse by the fact that she was being so damn understanding about it.
"Don't fucking pity me." He said, holding Assistaff so tight he knew her grain would leave indents on his palm.
Not you. Not you of all people.
"I'm not."
"Then what–!" He cut himself off. Yelling at her wasn't going to solve anything, especially when she was so dead set on not yelling back. It just made him feel like he was throwing a tantrum. Why was he always so intent on digging himself into the deepest possible hole?
They stared off for a moment before Zanka broke eye contact first, turning to leave.
"...Just. Forget it." He said bitterly.
He started to walk away, only hoping Riyo wouldn't follow him. But of course she did.
"Where are you going?"
He whirled back around.
"To my room. Is that okay with you? Maybe you should tag along, make sure I don't stub my toe or some shit on the way, right? Might kill me cause I'm just so damn fragilenow!"
"Zanka."
She didn't sound angry, or frustrated. Just endlessly patient, and maybe a bit hurt.
His self-loathing only deepened.
So much anger with nowhere to go. He wished Jabber was there.
"Just leave it." He said, staring at the floor. "...please."
He didn't want to be angry at her. It wasn't fair to be mad at her for his own shortcomings. But he couldn't feel anything else.
...He didn't want to feel anything else.
He walked away, and Riyo let him.
...
He didn't slam the door to his room, just closed it quietly and made sure it was locked. He pressed his back against the door and slid down it until he was sitting on the floor, clutching Assistaff like a lifeline in a way that reminded him far too much of the well.
Damn it.
He forced himself to stand back up instead of wallowing in the memory. That buzzing feeling still wasn't gone.
Nothing was right. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. And instead of finding a way to deal with that he'd lashed out at his closest friend. Maybe his only friend.
Fuck. He really did specialize in always finding a way to make things worse for himself, huh.
He walked over and sat on the bed.
He was a liability now. If his actions during the escape hadn't been enough to warrant stripping him of his status as a Cleaner, the fact that he apparently couldn't even be trusted not to randomly attack his cohorts probably would be. And even if that somehow didn't do it, it would be clear enough where his loyalties lied once he tried to get Jabber out.
No matter how it all worked out, once the dust settled, he'd probably be fully removed. The life he'd worked for, his respite, his light at the end of the tunnel, it was all going to be gone. He'd be nothing again.
He hoped they'd at least let him pack his things. But in case they didn't, he should prepare for that.
He went to his closet, pulling out the bag he packed for overnight missions, and began to fill it. Only with necessities, and only with things he'd bought himself, in case they wanted anything back.
It was almost depressing, how little he actually owned. By the time he was done there was still plenty of room in the bag. The only thing he still needed to pack was his kit of things to care for Lovely Assistaff, which he'd pack after he fixed her up.
After the verdict he could just grab the bag and go.
Except, he couldn't just go. If the meeting went poorly enough for him to be kicked out he'd still have to find a way to get Jabber out himself.
Another wave of self-loathing crashed into him at the realization that his stunt might have sealed Jabber's fate of being taken and executed by the Hell Guard.
He wouldn't let that happen. But he didn't know how.
Everything hinged on the meeting. He could only hope.
The helplessness of it all was enough to make him want to just curl up with Assistaff in bed and block everything out, but he needed to keep moving.
It wasn't like sitting around throwing himself a pity party was going to help anything. He couldn't move forward on any plan to free Jabber until after the meeting, but he could still take advantage of the interim to fix up Lovely Assistaff, at the very least.
She deserved some care.
...Yeah, he could do that.
When Riyo came back....if Riyo came back, he'd apologize. Or he'd seek her out later. Maybe, even once he was no longer a Cleaner, they could still be friends. If he hadn't managed to fuck that up too. But he probably had. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.
He stopped in front of the window.
He stared at it for a long moment, and then unlocked it.
He walked back over to his desk, opening a drawer and getting out all the maintenance supplies he needed. He placed Lovely Assistaff on the desk gently, and mentally cataloged all the things he needed to do – some routine, most repairs.
But she could be repaired. Unlike Mankira.
...Unlike him.
He got to work.
...
It took about an hour or so to do everything he could do on a first pass, and through it all he'd half expected a knock on his door or tap on his window at any second, but it never came.
He didn't know how to feel about that. He'd tried not to think about it.
He was laying sideways on his bed wishing Assistaff was done drying so he could curl up with her like normal —still exhausted but not willing to attempt sleep yet, not until absolutely necessary— when he finally heard the signature knock pattern of Riyo at his window.
He stayed staring silently at the wall, not inviting her in, but not telling her to go away either. Giving her an excuse to leave if she was only there out of a misplaced sense of obligation.
He heard the creak of the window as she slipped in, feet silent on the floor, and felt the barely-there weight of her sit on the bed.
It was quiet for a moment until she broke the silence first.
"Hey."
Deja-vu.
"....Hey." He replied after a beat.
"Brought a peace offering." She said, and after a moment Zanka rolled back over, looking at her.
In her hands was the cat figurine, wooden and blue with a pouty expression Riyo had said looked just like him.
Zanka sat up slowly on the bed until he was sitting against the headboard, and brought his knees to his chest, not meeting her eyes.
"Yer not the one who needs to be making peace."
"Then I'll trade him for an apology."
He finally looked up at her and she met his eyes with a small smile. Not one that was fake-casual or apologetic, just kind and quietly hopeful.
Relief pulled at the corners of his own lips, and he breathed out, releasing a large amount of tension in his shoulders he hadn't realized had been there.
Again, she was letting him off way too easy, but he was just overwhelmingly glad he hadn't fucked things up permanently.
"I'm sorry Riyo." He said. "I know you were just tryin' to help. You did help. I was bein a dick about it."
"Forgiven." She said, tossing the wooden figurine over to him.
He caught it easily, and rubbed his thumb over the painted wood, looking back up at her.
"Just like that?"
She shrugged.
"Can't say I blame you for snapping. And even if I did, I figure you're probably doing that enough for the both of us already."
Zanka looked back down, and she kept talking.
"Plus, I kiiinda got into it with Enjin a couple times while you were gone, and I'm pretty sure I said way worse stuff than you did, and he still forgave me, so. Y'know."
That made him look over.
"Ya fought with Enjin? About what?"
She twirled a lock of hair around her finger, watching it spin.
"Stupid stuff, looking back. Most of it anyway. We were all kinda quick to blow for a while there. Me especially. Though apparently Enjin had to physically hold Rudo back from attacking some supporter trainee one time when he overheard him talking shit about you."
Zanka huffed out a quiet, disbelieving laugh.
"Rudo fought for my honor? I'll believe it when I see it."
She smiled, letting out a small chuckle of her own.
"You have no idea. Remind me to show you something later." She said cryptically, and then in response to his furrowed brow, added, "Just trust me. He really did miss you."
Her finger twirling the lock of hair slowed.
"We all did."
Oh. Zanka didn't know what to say to that. That heavy feeling was back.
"...I missed you too." He admitted quietly, after a beat. "Every day."
Riyo took a slow breath, and Zanka could tell just from her body language that she wanted to say something, but was still mulling it over.
He gave her time, and for a bit neither of them said anything, just sitting in the silence, and even though it was the middle of the day, it felt so much like one of their late night talks.
He decided to break the silence first this time.
"Riyo, if I stopped bein a Cleaner, would we still..."
Would we still be friends felt so childish to ask. But that checked out, it was a childish thing to worry about, amidst everything else.
Riyo saved him the trouble of having to fully verbalize it.
"That why your bag's packed?" She asked quietly. "You planning on quitting?"
Of course she would've noticed that. He rested his chin on his knees, looking down.
"Don't think I'll have much choice."
"...They're not gonna kick you out. Doesn't matter what you did in there. Trust me, they're a lot more forgiving than you think. I'd know."
Maybe they had been for her, but that had been different. He wasn't putting a previous life behind him to become a cleaner, he'd already been a cleaner and had betrayed their ideals anyway. And still had plans to betray them even further, depending on how things went.
"They will." He tried to put a sense of finality in the words.
"What, just cause you broke a few rules to get out of-"
"That ain't it."
She was quiet for a minute, studying him, and Zanka realized he'd probably given too much away, but part of him was too tired to care. Even if she figured it out, she wouldn't tell anyone. He knew that much at least. She'd probably try to stop him or talk him out of it, but she wouldn't rat him out.
"...This is about Jabber, isn't it." Riyo said, sounding like she was coming to a realization. "What are you planning?"
He sighed, giving her a morose smile that was probably closer to a grimace.
"Somethin really stupid."
Riyo went quiet again, looking down with scrunched eyebrows, and Zanka got the sense she was putting some pieces together. He didn't bother trying to stop her.
"You know, I've been thinking a lot about what you said after you woke up." she said. "About Jabber. And then last night..." She paused for a long moment. "...You're gonna let him out, huh."
Zanka knew his silence condemned him, but couldn't bring himself to deny it anyway.
"...Why?" Riyo asked.
Because he had to. Because he owed it to him. Because he couldn't stand the idea of Jabber being gone forever.
"The Hell Guard will kill him." He said instead of an answer. "They'll destroy Mankira, and they'll..."
Zanka clenched his jaw. They'd do more than just kill Jabber. They'd do whatever it took to get information out of him, for as long as it took. Jabber was resilient, but the Hell Guard was a force of nature. They'd find a way to hurt him. Actually hurt him. It would be worse than the labs.
"He'd do it for me. That's why he's even in this mess."
He could feel Riyo studying him again.
"...When he brought you here." She sounded more like she was talking to herself than him, putting more pieces together. "He didn't fight."
"I asked him not to."
"And he listened."
Zanka just shrugged. Jabber had, for some reason. Even though it had directly led to him being trapped again.
"...What's the deal with you two?"
Zanka wished he knew. Part of him wanted to just tell her everything. Maybe she could help make sense of whatever his relationship was with Jabber. Not quite romance, not really friendship, but also not enemies anymore either. When it came to Jabber, everything always seemed to be defined by what it wasn't. Including Zanka.
He huffed out a humorless laugh.
"Yer guess is as good as mine."
At that, Riyo's face shifted into something that was closer to a wince.
"Yeahh, I really doubt that." She said, looking guilty as she started fidgeting with a lock of her hair again. Ah. Right. "Gotta say, didn't think I'd ever regret being uncharitable towards Jabber of all people"
Zanka gave her a wry smile.
"He's full of surprises like that."
Riyo hummed.
"Guess so, if you've turned around on him."
That was one way to put it.
"So you're serious about this then, huh?" she continued.
"...Yeah. I know its crazy. But I'm not gonna change my mind, so don't try and stop me."
"Hm. I've still got my reservations about the guy, but you're not stupid. I trust you got a good reason."
Her tone got a bit lighter and she gave him a grin. "And hey, even if you don't, its still a chance to screw over the Hell Guard, which is its own bonus."
Zanka exhaled a small laugh out of his nose at that and Riyo seemed to take it as a win.
He stretched his legs out and sat a bit more comfortably.
"Well, that's me. Your turn, ya got any bombs to drop?" He asked, half-joking.
Riyo's face didn't change, but she looked down and didn't say anything for a minute.
So whatever she'd wanted to say earlier hadn't been about him and Jabber, then.
The silence crept on a bit longer, and then she finally spoke.
"...It was my fault we didn't find you."
Zanka looked over, and now Riyo was the one who wouldn't meet his eye.
"What do you mean?"
"When you got taken, you tried to call for us, right? We heard it, I heard it, and I just blamed it on Rudo."
Oh.
"Ya couldn't have known that's what it was. Rudo does accidentally hit his choker a lot."
She huffed out a small, humorless laugh.
"That's not even the worst of it. I went to Kuro, to find out where you were. Pretty early on, too. He gave me some vague answer about you being underground in a polluted zone and..." She let out a breath, tightening her jaw. "The worst part is that I knew there was more to it. He had that look, and he offered to tell me more, but I just. Couldn't. If I had, we would have found you weeks ago."
Her voice broke just slightly on "weeks", and Zanka couldn't do anything but blink at her, feeling that same heavy feeling in his chest, but different now.
"...Ya went to Kuro for me?"
She let out a single wet laugh, still not looking at him.
"Of course I did. You really think I wouldn't?"
Zanka tried to figure out what to say to that, and Riyo kept talking.
"Zanka, I would have given anything to get you back. The only reason I didn't take him up on it was because I thought it meant you were already dead. If I'd thought there was any chance..."
"Thank you."
She finally looked back at him.
"Thank you, Riyo. For looking, for...for everythin."
"You don't need to thank me for looking for you when you went missing. Seriously. You have no idea how depressing that is." She said, wiping her eye. "And don't hijack my apology with gratitude. Sheesh." She added in a lighter tone.
"Ya don't have anythin to apologize for."
She just looked at him for a moment, before exhaling a small laugh out of her nose.
"...Huh. Is this how you feel all the time when we tell you not to apologize? Cause it blows."
Zanka laughed genuinely, surprising himself, and felt the last bits of tension dissipate.
"Yeah...Gets easier though. Sorta."
"Hm. I'll hold you to that."
Riyo took another deep breath in and out, and then readjusted herself on the bed to face Zanka more fully, her smile small but genuine.
"So, you wanna hear all the gossip you missed out on while you were dead?"
He smiled back.
"Couldn't care less. Tell me anyway."