The first clue that something was seriously wrong when Zanka slowly and hazily regained consciousness was that it was dark.
The cells themselves didn't have any lights, but the permanent flourescence of the hallway spilled into the spaces between the bars and kept them always dim enough to see regardless of the time of day. It was part of what had made telling time in them so disorienting, likely by design. It had never gone fully dark before.
And if that wasn't enough, his second clue that something was off was that his body was no longer alternating between feeling feverish and freezing, his skin was no longer permanantly clammy, and even groggy from sleep he could tell some of the brain fog had lifted.
He turned his head to the side so he could ask Jabber what the hell was going on. As soon as he moved though, he noticed he wasn't on the concrete floor. He was laying on something so soft it felt like he was being smothered in a cloud. He looked down, eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness as he blinked sleep out of them. He was in a medical bed, and even had blankets on him. The smell of antiseptic invaded his nose and only put him further on edge. Shit. Where the hell was he?
He turned his head back to the side and frantically looked around in the dark for Jabber. He wasn't in any of the beds next to him. Panic fully started to set in. Waking up to Jabber gone could never be a good thing, because it meant that either wherever Jabber was, Zanka was probably headed next, or, it meant that Jabber was potentially deadbeing kept somewhere separate from him, and he was alone now, which was even worse.
The dark room was achingly familiar, even though he couldn't remember ever seeing one like it in the facility. It felt like he was missing something big, but he didn't have time to linger on that thought. He needed to get out and find Jabber, now. He kicked the blankets off him, and was surprised to see he wasnt secured in any way to the bed. Their loss, he'd make them regret not taking that precaution.
There was an empty chair next to the bed, facing it, and he felt sick knowing someone had probably been observing him while he slept. He needed to get out before they came back.
He hastily moved himself up into a sitting postion on the cot, jostling the bed as he did. The sound of something wooden clattering to the floor next to him made him start, and he looked down at what it was, and froze.
He couldn't believe his eyes.
Lovely Assistaff, scarred and a bit burnt but still whole, still beautiful, was staring back up at him from the floor. None of what was happening made any sense, but all the same he lunged for her, like if he hesitated for even a second longer the universe itself would realize its mistake and take her away again.
He held her to his chest tighter than he possibly ever had before. What was happening? What the hell were they playing at?? This was definitely some new sort of test or experiment, and the knowledge filled him with a familar burning anger.
He heard a door handle turn and angled himself towards it immediately as he tried to figure out what to do in a millisecond, torn between the larger, rational part of him that wanted to get up off the bed and activate Lovely Assistaff to brandish her out in front of him as a weapon, and the smaller, entirely irrational but very loud part that wanted to shield her behind his own body or hide her somehow so that they couldn't just take her from him again.
Before he could get up though, the door opened and a shorter person –a girl?– with long hair stood silhouetted in the doorway, light flooding in behind them, making Zanka squint as his eyes readjusted, body tensed. He gripped Assistaff and got ready to activate her the second they made a move.
They stopped and stood frozen upon seeing him sitting up in bed, before they spoke softly.
"Zanka?"
He faltered.
He knew that voice. How could he know that voice??
It took a couple blinks but finally his eyes adjusted to the light enough to take in the person standing in front of him. Still, even if his eyes and ears could comprehend it, his brain struggled to do the same, stuck staring in shock.
It was Riyo, hair down and wearing the tank top and shorts she usually wore to bed. How the hell was Riyo there? Was he dreaming?
"...Riyo?"
Zanka's voice was slightly raspy from disuse, but all the same the sound of it seemed to suddenly break the fragile spell and Riyo rushed over in fewer steps than he thought possible, barreling into him with a crushing hug.
He flinched just slightly at the contact, but it didn't seem like she noticed, too busy burying her head in his shoulder as she gripped him like he was going to vanish any second. Zanka just sat there, dumbfounded.
"You absolute fucking asshole, don't you ever, everdissapear like that again you hear me??" Her voice, though muffled, was wet and raw with emotion in a way he'd never heard. "I'm so glad you're okay. I can't believe..."
He still just stared, and then he realized he should really do something, and awkwardly brought his arms up around her as well, still holding Assistaff. The action just made her hold on even tighter, and a small sob escaped her, pressed into his shirt.
Right, his shirt. He wasn't wearing his torn, dirty uniform anymore. He was wearing his own clothes. Someone must have gone into his room and gotten him one of the more casual outfits he wore around base.
For some reason, that was when it actually, finally, clicked. That he was back at Cleaner HQ, that the room he was in was the Cleaner infirmary, and that Riyo, the real Riyo, was actually in front of him.
The escape. They'd made it out. They actually had. It was real.
He breathed out a shaky breath, which quickly turned into several hitched, shakier breaths, and changed his grip from resting on Riyo's back to actually holding her tight, finally reciprocating the hug in full. And then some. His vision got blurry.
It was real. It was real.
Now that the floodgates had opened he couldn't close them, and all the grief he'd been repressing for weeks finally came out at once as he leaned forward with a choked sob, face pressed against the top of Riyo's shoulder, and silently let himself fall completely apart, not caring how embarrassing it was, not caring about anything else as he held her back with an equally crushing grip.
He was out. He was home.
Zanka's body shook with sobs that were almost completely silent, a habit he'd picked up young and never been able to drop, not that he'd really wanted to. He was sure she could feel the wetness on her shoulder but if she did, she didn't say anything about it, just holding him tight until he managed to get it all out and calm himself down.
"It's okay, you're okay. You're okay." Her voice was wobbly, and it sounded half like she was trying to convince herself and half like a promise.
It took several more minutes for Zanka to compose himself enough to speak even after he'd fully run out of tears, but eventually he pulled back just slightly, and Riyo seemed hesitant to let him go even that much, but ultimately let him sit back up. He wiped his eyes and nose and watched her do the same, both looking at each other like they couldn't quite believe it.
"Hey." He said, finally breaking the silence, and she gave a wet laugh.
"Hey." Riyo responded, wiping her eyes again, before punching him lightly in the shoulder. "Ugh, of course you wake up in the two minutes I'm gone for the bathroom. I had this whole thing planned for when you woke up, it was gonna be so dramatic."
"Of course ya did." He laughed quietly, throat still thick with emotion. "Should I try and pass out again? Let ya run it back?"
She smiled, wobbly, and her eyes shone with unreleased tears. At the look he felt his own eyes wanting to do the same.
"Don't you dare. I had to wait too long for you to wake up already." She wiped her eyes and nose again, sniffling. "Man, we're just a couple of sad sacks, huh?"
He gave a wobbly smile too, despite everything.
"The worst. Thank god Enjin ain't here right now, he'd never let us hear the end of it."
Riyo laughed at that, and he'd missed the sound terribly.
Zanka sobered slightly.
"How long..."
"A month and a half. Six weeks exactly tomorrow."
Six weeks. It was within the realm of what he'd calculated, but hearing it confirmed was something else entirely. They were there for over a month. It somehow felt both too long and too short to have contained everything they went through.
They. That was right, Jabber had taken him to Cleaner HQ, he had carried him and Assistaff inside. Shit, what had happened after that? The cleaners didn't kill, but if they'd already given him to the Hell Guard-
"Zanka, that d-"
"Where's Jabber?!"
Riyo blinked at the frantic interruption, then got a dark look at the mention of Jabber.
"Don't worry, he's locked up. We took his instrument and we're keeping constant watch on the room he's locked in. He's not getting out any time soon."
They took Mankira?!
"Is he okay??"
"If- what?!"
Her incredulous voice snapped him back to reality. Right. Jabber was still one of the cleaner's biggest enemies. Not to mention the last time Riyo had seen him he still hated Jabber. Wait, no, he did still hate Jabber, he just also- ugh. It was too complicated to think about, especially when Riyo was still sputtering.
"Okay seriously, what the hell happened with him? First Enjin comes back from grilling the guy saying he might actually believe some of the shit he was spewing, and now you're worried about him? Him!?"
"I don't- It's not-" He tripped over his words and put his face in his hands, trying to hide any redness before it appeared, and groaned. "It's complicated."
Riyo pushed onwards, always an unstoppable force when she wanted to be, and a hint of desperation seeped into her tone.
"Explain it to me then, complicated how?"
He couldn't explain it if he wanted to. Part of him didn't even know himself.
He just shook his head, face still in his hands, and really hoped she'd take the hint and just drop it.
Instead, Riyo seemed to take it as confirmation of the worst, and when she spoke again after a beat her voice was quiet, and hesitant.
"...Zanka, what did he do to you?"
He suspected he knew what she was insinuating, and he instantly shot his head back up, shaking it so hard he worried he'd give himself whiplash.
"Nothing like that!! He wasn't even the- I-" He stumbled over his words, and realized he was just making his case look worse. "Look, that's not what happened at all, okay?"
Depending on what she meant, it might not have been the fullest version of the truth, in a couple ways, but even if it wasn't, a lie by omission was definitely for the best here, especially with how Riyo looked ready to go kill Jabber herself. Zanka continued talking, trying to pacify her.
"Listen, I dunno what he's told you guys already, but he was just as trapped as I was. We had to work together to get out. He's..." Zanka took a breath, looking down in shame as he made a fist in the bedsheets, the sudden reminder of his own inadequacy stinging once more. "He's the reason I was able to get out at all, okay?"
He hadn't been enough on his own. He'd managed to get some useful info, sure, but at the end of the day he'd fallen short, and had almost gotten himself killed because of it. It was only after he teamed up with a genius that he'd been able to achieve what he alone had been incapable of.
He was still looking down at the bed but he could feel Riyo's eyes on him, studying him. She spoke quietly again, but with more insistence this time.
"Get out of where? What happened, Zanka? Where wereyou? Enjin wouldn't tell me what Jabber told him, said you deserved to tell us yourself, and I've just been waiting for you to wake up and I can't stop thinking about-"
She cut herself off, trying to stop herself from getting too worked up again, clearly torn between not wanting to overwhelm him and wanting to get answers to questions she'd no doubt had for a while.
"...We thought you were dead Zanka." Riyo said quietly, looking down at the bed. "I...I thought you were gone."
Oh. He had known that there was a good chance they'd just assumed he was dead, but a part of him had always kept a small bit of stupid hope that they hadn't stopped looking for him, even if the rest of him knew they'd never find him, and he had clung to it on his worst days. Idiotic, baseless hope that they hadn't given up on him, even when that was by all means the logical decision.
Riyo continued talking.
"We looked everywhere, and even after everyone else had given up I still kept looking, but there was nothing, you were just gone, and I-" She swallowed, trying and failing to keep her voice steady. "I didn't know what had happened, and it hurt so bad and I missed you so much and then out of nowhere Jabber just. Shows up with you! And you're covered in blood and you've got a fucking cauterized gunshot wound and a bullet in your stomach and more poisons than Eisha could count in your system and these marks on your neck and you flinched when I touched you and I just-!" She wiped her eyes again angrily, taking longer to collect herself.
Zanka just stared at her, shocked into silence. He didn't know where to begin. He'd known (hoped) that objectively, she would be upset if he died. Of course she would. They were friends, after all, had been for a long time. And obviously if the reverse had happened he'd be destroyed. But in all honesty, he really hadn't ever been bold enough to think his dissapearence would hurt her this much. The amount of emotion in her voice, how genuinely devastated she sounded when she talked about not being able to find him, it left him stunned, and feeling sickeningly guilty both at having caused it and at the fact that he'd ever assumed she'd be able to just shrug it off. Even if she really should have. Zanka was nothing special.
And the second half... he didn't know where to begin with that either. He decided to focus on the one thing that had stuck out, and that was the least complicated to address.
"Ya said I had a bullet in my stomach?"
"Well, okay, not in your stomach, but you know. That area. When we had to..." She paused, and then proceeded a bit more cautiously. "Do you...not remember?"
"Remember what?"
Riyo looked away, biting the inside of her cheek. Uh oh.
"Riyo. Remember what?"
She still wouldn't meet his eye but took a breath and began talking just as he was about to ask again.
"I'm only telling you this because I know you'd wanna know, but..." She trailed off, before seemingly steeling herself. "Okay, so Eisha had to get the bullet out so you wouldn't heal with it still trapped inside, right?"
Zanka nodded, familiar with one of the few limitations of Eisha's ability, not that it came up often in their line of work.
"Yeah, so she had to get it out first? Was it hard to find, or did it go wrong or somethin?" He put a hand to his side. "I feel fine."
"You...sorta woke up, as soon as she tried to get it out. None of us expected it, especially with how you looked. You just freaked out and started swinging. I don't know where you thought you were or what you were seeing but you were completely out of it and we had to hold you down to get you to stop fighting, which I think just made it worse. I don't think you could hear a word we said. Honestly, I'm not surprised you don't remember. That's...it's probably for the best."
Zanka felt sick. He had a vague, intangible memory of various hands on him and a digging pain in his side but it felt no different than any other nightmare.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Did I hurt anyone?"
She hesitated again, biting the inside of her cheek once more. Oh no.
"Rudo and I were able to dodge, but Eisha...you got a hit on her before we were able to grab you, just barely."
"Shit. I'm so sorry, is she okay??"
"She's fine, really. Seriously. And she doesn't blame you at all."
"She should." Zanka breathed out, horrified.
"No she shouldn't! You were just....you weren't in your right mind, no one can blame you for that. I'm sorry that we had to hold you down." She looked sick at the memory. "It was..."
"Who saw?"
He cut her off. He didn't want to think about the implications of Riyo knowing how much being held down had caused him to panic. How even the thought of it now set his heart beating a few ticks faster than it should.
"...Me, Eisha, Rudo, and Enjin."
So all of team Akuta, minus Shikage. He wasn't sure if it was better or worse that his team had been the only ones to witness him embarassing himself. Though considering Enjin had seen it, probably worse. Fuck. He'd have to work double time to prove himself capable again, and that wasn't even factoring in the humiliation of having been kidnapped for so long.
Riyo, clearly reading his inner turmoil, spoke again.
"If it helps...I don't think Rudo or Eisha saw the marks on your neck. I...I figured you wouldn't want them to know."
Zanka brought a hand to the back of his neck, where the needle and shock prongs had laid, feeling just the slightest difference in skin texture. So they'd scarred then, if only barely. It was surprising that Riyo had even noticed them, and as he looked back to ask about it he noticed her looking confused, eyes moving from where his hand was to the front left side of his neck, and he suddenly realized what marks she was talking about.
He slapped a hand on the left side of his neck to cover the area Jabber had kissed and sucked small bruises into in the elevator hallway. Stupid! Of course one moment of weakness would majorly screw things up for him once he got back, just his luck.
At least he'd gotten Jabber back twofold in the elevator, his neck must have looked even worse. Wait, no, that was somuch worse for the both of them. Damn it! He needed to find some excuse, some way to lie himself out of it. But how could he? The evidence was overwhelming. And he always hated lying to Riyo.
"Look, Zanka. I'll be straight up with you, okay?" Uh oh. "And you don't have to answer. Not now, not even ever if you don't want to. Seriously. But." She hesitated. "I've seen this before, it's too familiar for me not to notice. The way you flinched at me touching you, the bruises, how scared you got when we had to hold you down, especially-" She swallowed, and Zanka already knew what she was asking before she even finished. "especially your hips. I just... Did Jabber ever force-"
"No. Not Jabber. I meant it before, it wasn't him, none of it. I promise, Riyo."
"It wasn't him. But it was someone."
"No! It wasn't-! ...It wasn't like that, okay? It really wasn't. Nothin even happened." To his humiliation, he could hear his throat constricting and he tried to push it back before it revealed far too much. "Nothing even happened. They didn't even do anythin, I was just- I was just being stupid, okay?"
He'd avoided thinking of that day in the medical room as much as possible, though his subconscious seemed to love to torture him with it, and now it was infecting his waking mind as well. It wasn't fair. He had been fine. The only thing more shameful than letting some unfounded fear about something that hadn't even happened mess him up so thoroughly was letting Riyo think that it actually hadhappened. He was pathetic. They hadn't even touched him.
"Zanka."
Riyo's concerned voice was filled with an emotion Zanka knew wasn't pity but was far too close to it, and she took his free hand in one of hers slowly, gently, making sure he saw her every move as she did. A small part of him despised being treated like a child but the rest of him held Riyo's hand like a lifeline and just looked down, not wanting to see if the emotion on her face matched the one in her voice. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if it was.
"They never did anythin Riyo, I'm serious. They really didn't. I just got in my head about it. That's all."
"Who didn't?"
"The guards, they-"
He held on to Assistaff tight with his free hand, running his thumb along the wood grain to calm himself only to run into deep scratch. Fuck.
"We were in cells, underground. Some sorta lab-facility. I don't know. They took us to the lab every day for...tests." He spat the word out. "They strapped us down for them. And..."
He could probably get away with just that much. It would explain most of his reaction and he knew Riyo wouldn't push him on it further. But she'd suspect there was more, and that was almost worse.
Riyo waited.
"...And?"
He hesitated again. He hadn't even told Jabber about what had happened when he'd gotten his bandages changed. Zanka had been content to just forget it entirely, but clearly his body had betrayed him once again, and now he just needed to explain before Riyo drew any worse conclusions.
"It was only once. Just one damn time and nothin even happened, I was wrong and it was stupid but I was just..."
He could feel his heartbeat pulsing in his ears at the memory. His brain felt like static. Riyo squeezed his hand and the truth fell out.
"I was scared." He breathed out. "I was scared, Riyo. And they knew it. They knew it, and then they laughed, like it was- and I wanted to-" He knew he was being entirely nonsensical but it was like the sudden fury of the memory cancelled out everything else and he felt an overwhelming numbness wash over him. "And I did. I killed them. Both of them. I shot them in the head."
"Good." Spoke Riyo, with more anger and sincerity than he'd ever heard. "Good."
He continued talking, the truth coming out like a flood, the numbness quickly being replaced by the almost hysterical need to relieve himself of the weight of it to the one person he knew would be honest with him no matter what.
"It wasn't just them Riyo. We killed everyone. Everyone we could in that place. Not just the ones we had to. And I likedit. Fuck, I reveled in it. I did awful things and I don't feel nearly as much regret as I should. Not at all."
He took a breath, emotion rising once more. "I think...ha.." He looked up at her with a wobbly smile and choked out a laugh, vision blurry from tears waiting to fall. "I think I'm a monster, Riyo."
Riyo let go of his hand and surged forward into a hug, wrapping her arms around him once more.
"I don't care. I don't fucking care, okay?? Whatever you did, they deserved it. And even if they somehow didn't I stilldon't care. I would have done the same thing a million times over to bring you back, without hesitation. We can be monsters together. You're still Zanka, okay? You're still my brother. I don't care about anything else."
The tears finally fell and Zanka let them, holding on to the back of Riyo's shirt.
"Please don't tell Enjin."
"Trust me, he'd say the exact same thing. But I won't. Not if you don't want me to."
"Thank you." He said quietly.
"Of course."
Riyo continued to hold on to him and he did the same.
After a long moment she wiped her nose from over his shoulder and then spoke again, still slightly emotional.
"You absolutely reek by the way. It's really bad. Even Rudo said something."
Now it was Zanka's turn to let out a wet laugh.
"Really? That's a new low."
"I know, right? We gotta get you into the shower, I feel like I'm in a polluted zone."
Riyo made no move to let go of him, and he didn't either.
"...Ya gonna let go so I can go clean up?"
"In a minute."
...
Zanka watched the water swirl down the drain, turned lightly brown from the dirt and dried blood still on his scalp, along with who knew what else.
Steam clouded around him and it was foreign. He usually took cold showers, a remnant of his Hell Guard days that he'd carried over to the Cleaners, and the icy water was both invigorating and a tool to make sure he didn't stay in the communal area any longer than necessary. But when he'd locked the stall and stripped down he'd turned the faucet as hot as it could go, needing the water to burn away the memory of that place.
He knew, logically, that the water couldn't get hot enough to sanitize. That no matter what he did he couldn't wash off anything deeper than the surface-level grime still stuck in every nook and cranny, but it didn't stop him from trying. He scrubbed every inch of his skin with a soapy washcloth until it was raw, the scalding water making his whole body sting, and it was grounding.
The steam started to cloud his vision and everything was hot. He'd had to wash his hair twice with the communal shampoo before it even lathered properly, a testament to how greasy it had gotten. He normally used his own products, but in that moment he'd never cared less about something as trvial as shampoo ingredients.
The steam made the air thick and as Zanka stuck his head back under the stream of scalding water to rinse he realized how hard it was getting to breathe.
He felt slightly dizzy and his head and body were overly warm in a way that was all too familiar, and he pulled his face away from the hot water stream. His whole body felt overheated and the humid air was thick, making it feel like he wasn't getting enough oxygen to his lungs.
It was overwhelming and he suddenly needed to get out, just barely having the wherewithal to harshly turn the faucet off before wrenching the stall door open and stumbling out, taking deep breaths.
The air out there was significantly cooler, and even if he'd managed to steam up most of the bathroom it was nowhere near as condensed as it had been in the stall, and he gulped down the fresh air, stabilizing himself against the wall with an arm.
A towel was tossed over his head and he suddenly turned red, remebering Riyo had come in the bathroom as well, keeping watch of both the door and Lovely Assistaff.
He pulled the towel off his head and wrapped it around his waist hastily, looking over to the side where Riyo was leaning against the wall next to Assistaff, her body language casual as ever but her eyes concerned.
"You alright?"
"I'm fine, I just..." He took a breath. "I'm fine."
Riyo gave him a look that let him know she didnt believe him in the slightest, but she apparently decided to let him get away with it anyway.
"Okay." Riyo hummed as she turned around, putting her back to him as he grabbed his clothes to get dressed. "Oh, by the way," She said, still turned away. "I really do need to give you that trim soon. The drowned rat look is really not it for you."
In response he just flicked water from his hair towards her back and she half-laughed half-shrieked. He supressed a grin himself.
He finished getting redressed and grabbed Assistaff, bumping Riyo on the shoulder to let her know it was okay to turn around. She swiveled and gave him a quick once over.
"Oh yeah, much better!" Her eyes zeroed in on his hair, still mostly damp. "You totally skipped conditioner though, didn't you."
Of course Riyo would have noticed that.
"I'll do it tomorrow." He muttered.
"And do your grand re-entrance with frizzy hair? C'mon, I've got some leave-in stuff in my room."
...
HQ was never truly quiet at night. The doors were nowhere near soundproof and neither were the floors or walls, and even on the rare occasion everyone was asleep at the same time and no faint talking or music could be heard, the muffled sound of snoring and fans provided plenty of white noise, a constant reminder that the building was alive with people.
Zanka had gotten used to the sound of it a long time ago, it had become silence to him. But after so long in the dead quiet of the cells he could hear it now.
Riyo walked with him through the empty halls as they made their way to her room, and he couldn't help but look around. It was almost surreal. There were minor differences, new posters on the bulletins, a new lightbulb to replace one that had gone out a few days before he'd been taken that now shined brighter than the ones around it, small inconsistencies. But most things were completely the same. The same HQ from before.
Like nothing had changed.
...
He sat on Riyo's bed, with her sitting on crossed legs behind him as she worked some product into his hair. He'd tried to insist he could do it himself but Riyo was stubborn, and he'd figured it wasn't a hill worth dying on. Plus, he'd be lying if he said the repetitive motion of Riyo running her hands through his hair wasn't nice, and he found himself slowly relaxing into it.
He wasn't sure when the last time someone else had touched his hair was. Certainly none of the scientists or guards had. Unless Zanka counted the stethoscope, which he decided he definitely didn't. Not even Jabber had, strangely enough. And with every run of Riyo's fingers through his hair, he felt a bit more tension seep out of him, the feeling not having a foothold to get tangled up in the memories of the lab like so many others.
Eventually, Riyo finished up and pulled back, and he tried not to let his dissapointment show. Apparently not well enough though, because Riyo snorted.
"You're as bad as Rudo." She teased, before pausing. "Oh, actually, speaking of Rudo, I was supposed to call him as soon as you woke up. Enjin too. Whoops."
Zanka was pretty sure it hadn't just been a lapse in memory that had allowed them so much time to have a private reunion, and for him to collect himself, but he was grateful for it nonetheless.
Riyo moved to the edge of the bed and stood up, reaching a hand out towards him.
"Okay, I think let's go pay those two a visit."
Zanka looked at the clock. Almost 3am.
"It's the middle of the night, I don't wanna wake 'em. I can wait 'til morning."
"Oh absolutely not, do you know how much of a pain it was to convince Enjin to let me keep watch alone tonight cause he needed to sleep? He'd never let me live it down if I went back on my word."
"If he needs sleep then we definitely shouldn't be wakin' him up. I can wait."
"You might be able to, but I doubt he can. Trust me, he'd much rather be woken up." Riyo laughed, already dragging Zanka by the sleeve out of her room.
...
When they made it to Enjin's room, Zanka worried Assistaff in his hands, running his fingers along the wood trying to calm himself down.
He turned and opened his mouth to ask Riyo if she was sure, but before he could, she pounded three times on the door and pressed her choker.
"Hey, Enjin, wake up, I got a surprise for you."
It only took a couple seconds before there was a flurry of movement sounding out somewhere behind the door, and then the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps before it was thrown open.
Enjin stood in the doorway, hair mussed from sleep, in a tshirt and sweatpants, and stared at Zanka with wide eyes while Riyo stood to the side and presented Zanka with both hands, grinning.
Zanka fidgeted with Assistaff, unsure of what to say, and only got as far as "Um," before suddenly Enjin had completely enveloped him. Oh. Enjin was hugging him. Enjin was hugging him!
It was different than Riyo's, more constricting but still comforting, like a weighted blanket. Zanka found himself sinking in to it, holding the back of Enjin's shirt with his free hand and trying to ignore how emotional it made him. Damn, he was really sure he'd gotten the last of his tears out with Riyo, but maybe not.
"Wish I had a camera. Saps." Riyo teased.
"Oh please, I doubt you were any better." Said Enjin, sounding like he was trying to keep it together.
Zanka chuckled, and hoped the fact that his face was pressed into Enjin's shirt could disguise how thick his voice was. "She absolutely wasn't."
Riyo made a fake offended noise in the background while Enjin choked out a laugh, and one of his hands came up to cradle the back of Zanka's head, firm but not overwhelming. Keeping him locked in place, not that Zanka wanted to be anywhere else.
"I'm so glad you're okay, kid."
Huh. Enjin hadn't called him kid in a long time, mostly because of how hard Zanka had pushed back against it. Somehow he didn't mind it now, though. Part of him did feel like a kid, he felt like he had as a young child when he would wake up in the middle of the night scared of some unseen monster and wrap himself tightly in his sheets pretending it was a hug. But he didn't need to pretend now. The monster was gone, and the hug felt just as good as he'd always hoped.
"You two have fun crying it out, I'm gonna go grab Rudo." Teased Riyo, voice moving away.
"You do that." Enjin said with a half-laugh, and Zanka noticed underneath all the emotion how tired he sounded. It was no secret that Enjin rarely got as much sleep as he probably should, but Zanka was familiar with that kind of tired from him, and this was something deeper. That, paired with how he'd looked when he'd opened the door, spoke of Enjin having run himself ragged for a while now, and Zanka couldn't help but feel it was likely his fault. His guilt deepened.
"I'm sorry to just dissapear like that," Zanka said, still mostly muffled by Enjin's shirt but loud enough that he knew Enjin could hear it. "I promise I'll make it up t-"
"Don't apologize. You don't have anything to apologize for, okay? Nothing."
If only Enjin knew. No doubt when he found out what Zanka had done during their escape, he'd be repulsed. He might even kick him out of the cleaners, not that Zanka wouldn't deserve it.
Shame curdled suddenly in his gut as he realized he was taking advantage of Enjin's ignorance of the situatuion to get comfort from him. He really was pathetic. He should pull back, be upfront about what he'd done. He should be able to look his team leader in the eyes and face the consequences of his actions.
But he didn't want the hug to end. Didn't want to see Enjin look at him with disgust and betrayal. Funny. Even after everything, he was still so, so selfish. He'd broken the one main rule the cleaners had and now he was betraying the trust of the one person he looked up to more than anything, who saw potential in him when no one else did. And every second he stayed only increased his crime further. And still he held on.
"I'm sorry." He whispered into Enjin's shirt, voice cracking just barely as he did. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey now, what did I just say?" Said Enjin, rubbing his thumb on Zanka's scalp with the hand holding the back of his head. The feeling was nice, and it only made Zanka feel more guilty. "You got nothing to apologize for, I mean it."
Zanka just shook his head no from where it was pressed into Enjin's shirt.
"Ya don't know that."
"Doesn't matter."
"It does! I-"
Fuck. The tears were back in full. He just held the back of Enjin's shirt tighter, half of him hating that he was still taking advantage of Enjin's kindness, and the other half knowing he could not let Enjin see his face like this.
Enjin pulled back slightly, the hand on Zanka's head moving to his shoulder.
"Hey. Zanka. Look at me."
Every single cell in Zanka's body wanted nothing more than to continue hiding his face like a coward, but he could never disobey a direct order from Enjin. He peeled himself off of Enjin's chest and took a step back, trying futiley to wipe his face on his sleeve before looking upwards.
To his shock, Enjin's eyes were also watery, if only just barely. His expression was concerned and relieved in equal parts, and he was looking at Zanka without a hint of the apathy or dissapointment his face always showed in Zanka's nightmares.
"Whatever you had to do, I will never fault you for it. No matter what it was. You made it out, and I'm so proud of you for being able to do that. No matter what it took."
Zanka felt his lip tremble without his permission and he just stared at Enjin with wide eyes, looking desperately for any trace of a lie or deception in his face or words. There had to be. Zanka kept staring, even as his vision got blurry and he felt humiliating tears start to overflow from of his still-open eyes. It was all too much. Enjin couldn't possibly be proudof him. Not for this. It was only because he didn't know. But just like with the hug, it felt so good that he couldn't help but bask in it, even if he felt like a monster for doing so.
"Oh crap. Okay. Is that a good cry or a bad cry??" Both. "Would a hug...help? Hurt? Shit, I probably shoulda asked that before. Uhh, okay, I'm just gonna put my arms back around you and if you're not feeling it you got full permission to punch me in the stomach, alright?"
Zanka let out the smallest laugh at the idea that he'd everchoose to hurt Enjin, and leaned forward, resting the top of his head against Enjin's shoulder, glad to be able to hide his face again, and giving him the silent okay. Enjin gingerly brought his arms up around Zanka once more.
"Okay, good." Enjin said, relieved. "Phew."
Zanka brought his arms back around Enjin as well, holding on a bit tighter and telling himself he only needed a few more seconds, then he'd let go and put himself back together. Just a few seconds and he could be okay again.
"I'm not going anywhere kid, don't worry. And neither are you for the forseeable future. Hope you're ready to have half a dozen people watching you like a hawk."
Zanka let out another small laugh. Then, he took a deep breath and finally pulled back to stand up normally, wiping his eyes and composing his expression back into something hopefully more professional.
"Okay, I'm good." He took a deep breath and tried for a small smile, scratching the back of his neck. "Sorry bout that, I dunno what came over me."
Enjin's face twisted and he opened his mouth to speak, before a pair of loud footsteps quickly echoed towards them and they both looked over to see Rudo running down the hall to them in a t-shirt and boxers. He skidded to a stop in front of them, and Riyo, moving silent as ever, jogged up a few steps behind.
Rudo stared at Zanka, mouth agape, and Zanka noticed he had a bit of unwiped drool that had dried at the corner. Gross. He hated how fond it made him feel to see it. Rudo looked him up and down, and then his eyebrows scrunched as he looked at Zanka's face and turned towards Enjin.
"The hell'd you say to make him cry?" He said accusingly.
Riyo burst out laughing as Zanka and Enjin both tripped over themselves to deny it, their words overlapping incomprehensibly while Rudo just looked at them like he didn't believe a word they were saying.
The chaos eventually calmed down, mostly due to the sound of someone throwing a pillow at their door further down the hall and yelling to keep it down, and Zanka crossed his arms with a scowl, looking away.
"Damn brat." He grumbled.
"I was trying to be nice, asshole!"
"How was that bein' nice??"
Rudo pointed an accusatory finger at Enjin.
"He was being stupid!! The hell is your problem?!"
"My problem???"
Enjin, apparently having given up on defending his honor to Rudo, had joined Riyo in her quiet laugher off to the side, watching the two of them.
Zanka turned pink as he noticed, glaring at them lightly.
"Oh yeah, yuck it up. At least he's bein' normal, instead of cryin' all over me." Zanka said, ignoring the fact that it had been him that did most of the crying.
"You have no proof." Grinned Enjin.
Riyo parroted his grin, making an "X" with her arms. "Yup. No proof."
Then she walked over and ruffled Rudo's hair, an action that made him grumble something unintelligible but that he seemed to begrudingly allow, cheeks also turning pink.
"Don't let the tough guy act fool you Zanka, he missed you just as much."
Enjin joined her, also rubbing Rudo's head.
"Yeah, poor wittle guy was sooo sad about his big brother Zan-zan, all crying and-"
"I did NOT cry!!!"
A chuckle escaped Zanka that he turned into a cough when Rudo glared at him. His heart felt warm, and apparently he'd truly gotten the last of his tears out with Enjin, because the sight of his team joking around him –something he had really started to think he'd never experience again– made him sure his body would try and embarrass him with another bout of crying if he hadn't fully exhausted himself already in that department.
Actually, he was exhausted in more than just the crying department, and a yawn made its way to the surface despite an unsuccessful attempt to stifle it, causing Enjin to look over and soften.
"Still tired huh? Good, me too. Let's get some rest."
Zanka really hated the idea of leaving his team's side so soon, especially because it had been so long since he'd slept on his own, and he had no doubt the nightmares weren't done with him yet, but he needed the rest, and they did too. It wouldn't be fair to keep them up any longer just for his sake.
He made peace with that and got ready to drag himself down to his room before he noticed Rudo and Riyo shuffling into Enjin's room through the door he was holding open.
Enjin raised his eyebrows at Zanka.
"You coming?"
Zanka's heart swelled and he went into the room as well, Enjin entering after him and letting the door close.
He took the opportunity to look around Enjin's room. It was messy, with clothes strewn about everywhere, and smelled overwhelmingly like smoke. The smell was comforting, especially compared to the cloying antiseptic smell of the infirmary. Enjin had a number of posters on the walls, mostly for music, though there were a couple faded pinup posters that made Zanka avert his eyes, and there were a handful of photos on the wall next to his bed that Zanka couldn't quite make out.
Enjin's bed was big, definitely larger than his own, and Riyo flopped onto it, grinning.
"Now this is a bed! No offense, Zanka."
He wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but couldn't find it in him to be bothered to ask, just rolling his eyes and making his way over as well.
He set Assistaff gently up against the wall, making sure she was within arms reach, but hesitated at the edge of the bed, doubts getting the better of him for a moment, before Riyo rocked forward, grabbing his sleeve, and pulled him onto the bed face-first as an embarassing yelp left him, half muffled by the mattress. He peeled himself up and glared at Riyo, along with Rudo, who looked way too amused next to her.
The lights flicked off and Enjin made his way over to the bed, settling into it.
Zanka ended up on his back sandwiched between Enjin and Riyo, Enjin laying on his back with one of his arms outstretched above all three of their heads, and Riyo laying on her side, chin on Zanka's shoulder and lightly holding his left arm, with Rudo also on his side, though facing the opposite direction, his back up against Riyo's.
A small chorus of goodnights were tiredly exchanged in the dark and slowly everyone started to settle into sleep.
Zanka took a moment to try and drink it all in, a part of him still disbelieving, and another part still on edge, even now, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He stared at the ceiling, exhausted but not willing to give into sleep just yet. Not yet.
After a few minutes, when he was just starting to be sure everyone else had fully drifted off, he heard Rudo's voice to his left, unusually quiet.
"hey, Zanka?"
He moved his head towards Rudo's direction, just barely, so as not to wake Riyo.
"yeah?" Zanka responded quietly, only to be met with a long silence.
".....nothing." Rudo eventually said. "forget it."
...He'd never understand Rudo. Maybe it was a sphere thing.
If it were any other time or situation he might've pressed Rudo further for an answer, but for now he decided to just let it go.
"alright."
He got no response and after a minute, he assumed Rudo had gone back to falling asleep.
Zanka continued to fight sleep a bit longer, the on-edge part of him refusing to fade completely, as hard as he tried. His eyelids felt impossibly heavy and he tried to keep them open, needing to be awake in case some threat came for him or his team.
But it was a losing battle, and eventually he lost.
...
Zanka woke up in the cell, face pressed into the cold concrete. No. No. He'd gotten out. Hadn't he gotten out?
He looked over for Jabber, only to find him gone. They hadhim. He looked frantically around the cell, seeing it looked exactly as it had the day before, and the day before that. Unchanged. Fuck. It had felt so real.
Suddenly the sound of rapid footsteps echoed in the hall and then Jabber was there, outside his cell, unlocking it and opening the door for Zanka, holding his hand out.
"Yo, we going or what?"
Zanka sprinted to him, forgoing the hand entitely as he tossed his arms around Jabber, breathing him in.
"Ya came back for me."
Jabber could have gotten out. He'd found the elevator, he had the keycard. He could have left, but he'd come back. He'd risked dying or being caught again by staying in that hellish place. For Zanka.
"Course I did, it's you and me right? We a package deal now tough guy, ain't no goin back on that."
Before Zanka could reply, someone ripped Jabber out of his grasp, dragging him backwards out of the elevator and back into the facility. Zanka rushed forward back towards him but he was also held back, hands grabbing his arms and shoulders preventing him from reaching Jabber.
"Shit! No! Lemme go! Jabber!!!"
He looked to the sides and saw his team holding him back, preventing him from leaving the elevator and running to Jabber, who was being dragged away by the guards.
"NO! Please, ya don't understand, I have to go to him!! JABBER!!"
His team was saying assurances to him, that they were getting him out, that they were keeping him safe, but it didn't matter. Not when Jabber was getting further away, further trapped in that damn facility. Jabber could've been long gone already, he could've been free. But he'd come back. For Zanka. He'd brought him to the Cleaners to save him. And now he'd lost his own chance of freedom. Because of Zanka.
He continued to yell, trying to wrench himself out of their grip and dive back in to the belly of the beast himself, knowing that at least he'd have Jabber there with him, but they held impossibly tight, and the doors started to close.
Jabber, for some reason, wasn't struggling, just watching Zanka with a devastatingly soft look on his face as the guards dragged him away towards danger and the cleaners forced Zanka towards safety.
It wasn't fair. It should be him the guards had, it should be Jabber in the elevator. Jabber had given up his freedom for him and Zanka didn't want it, not if Jabber wasn't right there with him.
The elevator doors were almost closed and the last thing Zanka saw was Jabber's face, smiling and mouthing the words Zanka hadn't gotten to say to him.
The elevator sealed shut, and Zanka's eyes snapped open as he woke up, breathing hard but quiet.
He was still in Enjins room, still in Enjin's bed with the rest of his team.
Well. Probably. There was a chance he was still dreaming, even if he felt more aware. Hell, maybe all of HQ had been a dream.
He manuevered his arm out from under Riyo's as Enjin snored loudly in the background, and pinched his other arm hard, hissing a quiet breath through his nose. The sharp pain was a masssive relief, and he supressed a half-hysterical laugh at the thought that he really was becoming more and more like Jabber.
Jabber. He was there, at Cleaner HQ. Somewhere. Probably in the basement. So close to Zanka.
He looked around as best he could without disturbing anyone, trying to find a clock to no avail. He could see out the window though, and it was still mostly dark. It probably hadn't been more than an hour since they'd all fallen asleep. It would be some time until everyone else woke up.
Restlessness itched under Zanka's skin and suddenly the mass of sleeping bodies around him felt suffocating. He couldn't just keep laying there.
He slowly got up, trying to extricate himself from everyone's now tangled pile of limbs. Riyo, always the lightest sleeper, groaned as he did, squinting one eye barely open and making a questioning noise. Shit.
"Just goin' to the bathroom. I'll be back soon." He whispered.
She hummed, and for a moment Zanka worried she'd wake herself up fully and choose to come too, but then she just closed her eyes again and fell back into unconciousness.
Zanka let out a small breath of relief. If Riyo was more awake, no doubt she would have noticed the guilt in his tone and expression at the lie, but he was lucky this time.
With great effort he removed himself from the bed, and grabbed Assistaff before he padded silently out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.
Back in the quiet halls of HQ he took a breather while he figured out his next move. Jabber was almost certainly in the basement where the holding rooms were, and Mankira was being kept somewhere too, though he had no clue where they could possibly be keeping her. Better to start with Jabber, then.
He wasn't sure what his goal was. But whatever he decided to do, he at least needed to know where Jabber was being held.
The memory of the dream itched under his skin.
He needed to see Jabber with his own eyes.
...
Zanka crept his way silently down the stairs to the basement. Riyo had said they were keeping constant watch on Jabber, so if there were people in the hall, he'd know that was where Jabber was.
Unfortunately, the single-entrance design to the basement meant that there was no sneaking down there unseen. They'd see his legs before he could see them, and even if they didn't, there'd be no way he could make it to the room without being spotted, so he'd just have to resign himself to making this visit an information-only mission.
He finally reached the bottom of the stairs and could look in the hallway, seeing two supporters outside one of the doors. Bingo. He recognized one of them as Tomme and the other as one of the suporters usually assigned to team Eager, though Zanka didn't know his name.
Tomme saw him first, looking briefly shocked before lighting up and walking towards him.
"Zanka! I didn't expect to see you so soon, how are you feeling?"
Right, everyone had assumed him to be dead, and by now everyone and their mother probably knew about his injuries and Jabber bringing him back. He'd have to get used to that.
"I'm alright, Eisha did a good job healin me up." Guilt pulsed again at the reminder that he'd hurt her for doing it, but he needed to try and stay focused for now, at least until he could apologize in person. He decided to cut straight to the point. "Is Jabber in there?"
Tomme nodded.
"Yeah, he's sleeping right now. At least I think so." She put a finger on her chin and tilted her head slightly. "I suppose he could be faking it."
"Can I see him?"
"Uhhh..." She looked back at the other supporter briefly and then back at Zanka. "I'm sorry, we're really not supposed to let anyone in. Did you ask Enjin? Actually, wait, where is Enjin? Does he know you're awake?"
"He does, Riyo woke him up earlier."
"Oh good. He was really worried about you, we all were. I'm glad to see you're doing alright. Still kinda surprised he let you out of his sight though." She said with a chuckle.
Enjin really hadn't, but Tomme didn't need to know that.
"Could I just- look at him? Through the window even? I won't go in."
He was probably showing his hand way too much by being so desperate, but he swore he could feel how close Jabber was, he couldn't just walk away now empty-handed. A part of him had to see Jabber with his own eyes, even if it wouldn't change anything.
"Can I ask why?" Questioned the other supporter, speaking for the first time.
Zanka mentally stumbled, struggling for an answer. He wasn't even sure why himself. He knew Jabber was alive. He knew the cleaners weren't the type to torture for information, so he was physically fine. And with Jabber asleep there wasnt even any wordless message he could pass on to him through the glass, so why?
"I just...have to see him." It sounded lame even to him.
Tomme looked at him for a moment and then softened, stepping aside.
"Yeah, okay, of course."
The other supporter made a slight noise of protest and Tomme shot him a look that shut him up. It clicked in Zanka's head that like Riyo, Tomme probably thought Jabber had been the one to take Zanka, and she probably thought this was some weird form of closure for him, to see Jabber locked up.
He fought back the urge to correct her, since it was what was letting him see Jabber, and walked over to the door to look in.
Zanka's eyes ignored everything else in the room –not that there was much– and locked in immediately on Jabber, laying in a single bed in the far right corner. He was sleeping on his stomach, sprawled out across the bed with the sheet half on him, face turned away from the door.
Jabber's Raider uniform was nowhere to be seen, and he was instead in a white tee that allowed Zanka to see his arms, which were covered all over in various scars, but with no blood or bandages where the bullet had hit him. They'd had Eisha heal him then, good. Zanka watched the slow rise and fall of Jabber's chest and felt himself relax slightly. He was okay. He let himself look for a couple seconds longer, as long as he could get away with, before he nodded and stepped back.
"Thank you Tomme."
"Of course. And I know I said it already, but I'm really glad you're okay. We missed you."
Zanka felt his cheeks flush and he turned away back towards the stairs. They'd missed him!
"Thanks, I...It's good to be back."
"It's good to have you back." Tomme said sincerely. "I won't keep you any longer, but thanks for stopping by. And I know you obviously didn't come down here to see me, but I'm still really glad I got to talk to you anyway." She chuckled. "Gris and Follo are gonna be so jealous."
Zanka exhaled a small laugh, and a bit more weight left his chest. Not much, but a bit.
...
By the time Zanka got back to the main corridors of HQ the sun was just barely starting to come up, and it wouldnt be too long before the halls and various rooms of Cleaner HQ were filled with people milling about and starting their day.
If he went back to Enjin's room now, he'd probably just wake them all up for the day, and it was still too early for that. He could go back to his own room, maybe try and sleep again, but more than anything he just needed to dosomething. Seeing Jabber had helped, but he still felt restless, still felt on edge.
They'd escaped the facility but a part of him still felt unnerved to be out of the cell, especially in the empty halls. Like every second had to be spent wisely, the constant threat of being seen and caught again still looming over him.
He needed something to pour all his energy into, and he set his course towards the gym.
A return to routine would help ease his mind, and he needed to get a headstart on making up for a month and a half of just sitting around.
...
Zanka entered the empty gym, glad to see no one else was there at that time in the morning. At least that was still constant. He walked over to the corner furthest from the door and set Lovely Assistaff down there, so even if anyone did come in Zanka would be able to put himself between them and her, no matter where he was in the room.
He paused.
Why was he thinking Iike that? No one in the Cleaners was gonna try and take Assistaff from him. No one would dare. Everyone there knew intimately how taboo it was to even touch someones vital instrument without asking.
...It was just some irrational residual emotion from the lab, that was all. He needed to fight that. He should try and fight it now, but the idea of putting her anywhere closer to dangercloser to the door made his skin crawl, and ultimately he left her tucked away in the corner while he began his workout. Maybe once he cleared his mind it would solve itself.
It was surprisingly easy to fall back in routine, even if he quickly noticed how out of practice he was. He started with stretching, not quite as limber as he was before, but stretches had been one of the few things he'd been able to occasionally keep up with in the cells, even if he'd had to constantly tune out Jabber's color commentary while doing them. It was almost strange to do them in silence again.
He moved to cardio, like always, warming up on the running machine and going until he felt his heart pumping and his lungs felt like they were about to burst before cooling down. Then came core exercises, and then weights, going until failure. Upper body, then legs.
By the time he was nearing the end of his full-body routine he was dripping sweat, and while his head was significantly quieter, it wasn't enough. The only thing left was closing cardio, and he set a faster pace as he began to run.
Running was easy. Running was constant. Step, step, breathe. Step, step, breathe. No need to analyze an enemy, no need to figure out what move to use, where to block, when to attack. He just needed to put one foot in front of the other, keeping a rhythm. It was an area where hard work excelled, where being able to push ones self further was rewarded with better stamina and a deeper well of energy for the next time.
Zanka got lost in it before he looked up at the clock, seeing he'd already gone over the normal amount of time he allotted for running.
He was done, he should cool down. But his burning lungs and aching legs were finally drowning out his head, all his focus being spent on moving himself forward.
He kept going.
Step, step, breathe. Step, step, breathe.
The door to the gym slammed open and Zanka stumbled, just barely catching himself and managing to get off to the side of the machine as he turned it off, panting, and he looked over at whoever had just come in.
To his shock, it was Enjin, looking haggard and relieved at once with one hand on his heart and the other on his knee, partially bent over and also catching his breath.
Engin took the hand on his heart and used it to turn on his choker, speaking into it.
"Found him. I found him. He was in the gym."
Shit. That was right, Zanka still didn't have a choker. His team had had no way to contact him, and when they'd woken up to him gone...
A series of overlapping relieved words tinned out of Enjin's choker, Zanka being able to pick out one of them easily as Riyo, who sounded equal parts relieved and angry as she yelled for Enjin to tell him to get his ass back in bed.
Enjin groaned, standing back up fully and running a hand over his face.
"You're gonna give me grey hairs kid, seriously. And don't get me wrong, its not like I couldn't pull off the silver fox look, cause I definitely could, but not yet! I still got another few years in my prime. At least! Yeesh!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't...I wasn't thinking. It won't happen again."
The intense feeling of being in trouble caused him to just barely stop himself from tacking on a "Sir" to the end, a habit that had taken significant effort to break when he'd first joined the Cleaners, and one that hadn't been an issue for a long while. To his continued unease he realized he'd also stood at attention on instinct, and subtly tried to relax his posture.
Enjin sighed, looking conflicted.
"Its okay, just...next time tell one of us when you're gonna wander off, yeah? At least until we get you a new choker."
Zanka nodded guiltily.
"I will, I promise. I'm sorry."
At his words, Enjin somehow looked even more troubled. He scratched his head and made his way over to Zanka, sitting on the unused machine next to his.
"Look, I meant what I said earlier. You don't need to apologize, not about this or anything else. I mean don't get me wrong, a heads up woulda been nice, but we were just worried about you, that's all."
Zanka stayed silent for a moment, unsure of what he could say that wasn't another apology; for worrying them, for lying about where he was going, for forgetting about something so basic as the fact that he no longer had a choker, for being weak enough to have been taken in the first place. He had a lot to choose from and for some reason Enjin didn't want any of them.
The silence stretched longer and then Enjin filled it again.
"Tomme said you went to visit Jabber."
Shit.
He knew that would get back to him eventually, but he didn't think he'd have to bite the bullet this soon.
"I did." Zanka admitted. "I'm s- ...I should've asked you. I know I should've. I just- I had to see him. I don't know why."
Enjin was quiet for a beat.
"Did it help?"
The question caught him off guard. Was it a trick? No, Enjin wouldn't do that. ...Seeing Jabber...had it helped? On one hand, it had snapped him out of the funk his nightmare had left him in, but on the other, getting confirmation with his own eyes of Jabber being trapped again had filled him with a new desperation and anxiety.
"Sort of."
Hopefully that didn't give away too much.
Enjin hummed.
"You two....spent a lot of time together in those cells, huh."
"those cells"
Zanka's blood turned to ice as dread suddenly overtook him. Enjin knew about the facility. Riyo had mentioned that he'd spoken to Jabber. How much did he know?? Did he know about him and Jabber? Did he know about the guards, the scientists? The old man?
He tried to choke down his growing anxiety and respond neutrally.
"We...didn't really have much choice but to spend time together."
Enjin looked at the floor, frowning. Crap. Had he messed up?
"What do you think about him?"
What.
"About...Jabber?" Zanka clarified stupidly, even though there was no one else Enjin could be asking about.
"Yeah." Enjin said, face still unreadable as he looked at the floor. "Just your honest thoughts, whatever they are."
He didn't prepare for this. He didn't prepare for anything but especially not that. What in the world.
"He's..." A genius. A lunatic. An enemy. Someone who saved my life. Complex. Infuriating. Addicting. None of it felt right. The last one was probably the closest but he'd die before he ever revealed that to Enjin. He tried to figure out why Enjin was asking, what answer he wanted, and then remembered Riyo and Tomme. "He wasn't the one who took me." Zanka said quickly.
"I know."
Right. Enjin had mentioned the cells. Plural. Jabber had clearly told him something, and Zanka just wished he knew what it was.
It seemed Enjin was still waiting for an answer.
"He wasn't...terrible company, I guess. Most of the time. We had to team up to get out. He...was a good ally. Surprisingly."
Enjin hummed out a sound Zanka couldn't identify as good or bad, and then he was quiet for a long moment. Zanka felt every second of it as he waited.
Enjin looked up from the floor, not looking at Zanka, but looking somewhere off in front of him.
"...Listen. Sometimes, when you go through something really shitty with somebody...you get attached." Enjin's expression was far away and his eyes had a slight sadness in them, and Zanka couldnt help but feel like he was speaking from experience. "And it doesn't always end well."
Zanka didn't know what to say to that. He couldn't deny it. Any part of it. Whatever he had with Jabber was due to tragedy and destined to end catastrophically and he knew it. There was no world where it didn't. There couldn't be.
...But a part of Zanka wanted it anyway. He liked what Jabber drew out in him, and what he seemed to draw out of Jabber in return. There was no one else like him, there never would be. And Zanka wanted. And for a brief while, Jabber had invited him to live in a world where it was okay to want that.
And he didn't want to leave.
Enjin sighed, shaking his head slightly like he was pushing back a memory, and finally looked back at Zanka.
"I won't...I'm not gonna push you for details about what happened. The boss wants a report eventually but only when you're willing to give it. You can take as long as you need. But...we can't keep Jabber here forever. We have to make our report to the Hell Guard about his capture within the week, and they'll handle him from there."
Zanka's stomach dropped through the floor. A week. Less than a week, and then the Hell Guard would take Jabber. They couldn't. He couldn't let that happen.
"I can explain everything to the boss tomor- today. I can do it today." Zanka amended, remembering it was morning now instead of night.
The more time he had to plan, the better.
"Zanka, that wasn't me hinting that you had to make the report soon. If you're not feeling up to it no one-"
"I can do it."
Recounting everything that had happened –especially in front of Enjin– sounded like hell, but he knew it was unlikely anyone would believe whatever Jabber had decided to tell them –if he'd decided to say anything helpful at all– so it was on Zanka to clear everything up.
"Zanka..."
"I can do it." He promised. "I'll be fine. And besides, I'd rather just get it over with anyway."
Enjin sighed.
"Okay, I'll let the boss know you can do it later today. But I'll wait until after breakfast in case you change your mind. No one would blame you."
Zanka would blame himself. He couldn't let the Hell Guard take Jabber. He knew all too well what they'd do to him, what they'd do to Mankira, and he needed to stop it. Regardless of what happened to Zanka after. He owed Jabber that much at least.
Maybe if he explained, if he told them everything –if he took the blame for the worst of it– then maybe, maybe they'd let him go. Or delay the Hell Guard. Or something.
Zanka himself probably wasn't in the Cleaners' best graces, or at least he certainly wouldn't be once they found out the full truth of what had happened, so any influence he had would be extremely minor, but he had to try.
Jabber had helped him escape, he hadn't fought Enjin (probably. hopefully), and he'd brought Zanka into HQ himself to make sure he got treated. That had to count for something. If Zanka vouched for him maybe he could convince them to look the other way just this once.
And if he couldn't...a week. He had a week figure out how to get Jabber out himself.