Act I – The Hundred Years' War of Evil Dragons: Orleans.
Alright, let's get our thoughts in order for a moment.
I saved my beloved girl, killed my own damn shameful past, and even pulled a Canadian actor out of a jam who's sexier than Hugh Jackman himself. Now I should have returned to my home world, gotten into bed with my lady, and lived happily ever after, but...
What's the point of whining here, though? I'll have to work my ass off until this author has a creative crisis and abandons the series. By the way, maybe he's already on the verge? Or should I push him? If I start spouting complete nonsense, he won't be able to handle it, will he?
"Pool-san! Snap out of it!"
"Ah."
Only now did Deadpool realize that he was firmly trapped in the clutches of tentacles summoned by Gilles de Rais.
"I guess I got carried away. The guys must have been wondering what happened to the grenade from the last part..."
"Where are you even looking?!" shouted Ritsuka, watching him pontificate into the void, twisted like a pretzel. Mash and Jeanne were desperately trying to break through to him and strike down the Caster, but they were barely able to fend off the hordes of slimy creatures spewed by "Prelati's Spellbook,"—Gilles's magical tome.
"Wonderful, simply wonderful! Fight! Cling to life with all your might! Only to fall into the abyss in the end, clutching scraps of illusory hope!"
Gilles de Rais, frozen in the depths of the hall with an open book in his hands, reveled in their torment, continuing to summon more and more monsters.
"The guy's a real pervert. Not that I can judge him, of course, but still."
"Do you still have the strength to chat? Then I need to squeeze harder."
"O-o-oh... ye-e-es! ♡"
As the tentacles squeezed him harder, Deadpool let out a groan that carried some very strange childhood memories.
"No, no, now is not the time for this. First, I need to..."
Regaining his composure, he drew the knife hidden in his glove and plunged it into the monster's flesh. The tentacle twitched, the grip loosened, and freeing his hand, Wade pulled a grenade from his pocket and stuck it directly onto a suction cup.
"Ka-boom!"
He couldn't resist the sound effect as he pulled the pin. A flash of explosion—and the tentacles scattered into pieces.
"Oh gods, I think I've played with you enough. There's not much magical energy left, but I'll replenish it by devouring you all, every last one!"
Gilles de Rais frantically turned a page and began to chant a spell:
"Appear, Lord of the Abyss! My master, sleeping at the very bottom! May the scales align, and may you descend into this world!"
As soon as he finished, a monstrous maw opened up around him. It was many times larger than those he had summoned before. The creature swallowed the mage, and a colossal, pillar-like body erupted from the floor.
"Everyone back!"
Seeing this behemoth, Jeanne grabbed Ritsuka and Mash, pulling them to a safe distance. This was no longer just "summoning"—it was like the embodiment of a false god.
"Oh, my King of the Abyss! Destroy everything here!"
As if responding to the call, the giant began to crush everything around with its massive appendages. This was a form of arrival, not an ordinary familiar, so the monster acted of its own will, not obeying its master.
"Ugh, what a disgusting thing. As if a squid and a Venus flytrap had indulged in passionate love, and then threw the fruit of their love in the trash. Or did Godzilla eat a Kraken and produce this radioactive thing?"
"Pool-san, watch out!"
Before Mash could finish shouting, a huge tentacle knocked Deadpool down. More precisely, it scooped him up and began to swing him wildly in the air. From such a carousel and overload, his insides threatened to turn inside out.
"U-u-up! Is this the 'Eagle Fortress' attraction?! Although no, this one's tougher. Hey, stop playing 'RollerCoaster Tycoon'!"
Swinging back and forth, Deadpool drew his sword and plunged it deep into the tentacle so as not to fly out to all the devils.
"Wade!"
"Hey, you little brats! I'm about to film the spectacular final scene now. So get out of here!"
There he goes again. Is a dramatic finale more important to him than his life?
"You can't defeat this behemoth anyway!" ...Damn, I never thought I'd say this... "You still have a long way to go before you become heroes, so run!"
Ritsuka, as if realizing something, nodded and dragged Mash and Jeanne towards the exit of the hall.
Gilles de Rais would never have let them go, but the summoned monster had already gone completely mad. Soon it would smash the castle to smithereens and devour everything alive in the vicinity.
"It's useless! You won't escape its clutches! I no longer control it! Now France, which betrayed my Jeanne, will be wiped off the face of the earth by this spawn of the abyss!"
"God, what a blabbermouth. I can't stand those who talk more than me!"
Clutching the embedded sword tightly, Deadpool noticed Gilles, who was laughing maniacally, surrounded by a tangle of tendrils right in the monster's maw. Outside, this creature might be armored, but inside, it was surely softer than a marshmallow.
"Did you watch 'Men in Black'? Remember how Tommy Lee Jones was eaten by a giant cockroach? Sorry, but I'm going to repeat that. Well, goodbye!" He winked at the void.
Pulling out his sword, Deadpool rushed straight into the gaping maw that had swallowed Gilles.
"Fool! You decided to become food for magic yourself! Are you in despair?! That's right! Tremble! Our God..."
At the moment Gilles raised his hands in ecstasy, Deadpool's blade pierced his face. The sword, flying in a straight line, entered precisely into the mage's open mouth.
"God, you're such a windbag. Shut up already!"
Sensing prey, myriad tiny tentacles clung to Deadpool.
"Your damn God said..." "...'Let there be light.'"
◇
Meanwhile, Ritsuka's group, having burst out of the castle at full speed, shouted to the remaining Servants outside, who were still fighting off the Dragon Witch's army:
"Everyone to the ground!"
And at that very moment...
The earth trembled. It wasn't an earthquake, but a powerful detonation coming from the very heart of the citadel. The castle began to explode from within: windows flew out, stones crumbled, and in a whirlwind of flames, the entire structure began to collapse.
"Everyone lie down!"
Seeing this fiery hell, Marshal Gilles de Rais ordered the soldiers to press themselves to the ground. The explosion, like a nuclear bomb, engulfed the entire castle, releasing a colossal shockwave.
Wyverns and undead that got in the path of this wave instantly evaporated.
When the dust settled, it turned out that the soldiers of the French Resistance and Ritsuka's squad had only suffered minor scratches.
"Listen, what happened? Why did the castle blow up?" George asked, stunned, turning to Jeanne.
"It seems to be Deadpool's doing. He defeated the Dragon Witch and blew himself up along with the Caster, who was behind it all."
"Even a Servant would hardly have survived such an explosion," Siegfried said impassively, looking at the ruins where not a stone remained.
"He... died?"
"Who here declared me dead without my consent?"
The familiar voice made Ritsuka flinch.
She turned around. Standing before them was Deadpool—or rather, what was left of him. His costume, except for the mask, was burned to ashes, his body was blackened and smoking, but he stood calmly, arms crossed, and glared at them.
"Wade!"
Overjoyed, Ritsuka ran up to him. He reeked of gunpowder and burnt flesh, but it was definitely him. Mash and the other Servants also visibly cheered up.
"You're alive!"
"Oh, come on. You saw me get cut to pieces, why are you making a drama now? This isn't a sappy movie! Turn off the sad music! Down with cheap sentimentality!"
Yes, it was definitely him. Only this guy could spout such nonsense while looking like a burnt rusk.
"Here, take a souvenir."
Deadpool threw the Grail to Ritsuka.
The very Holy Grail, the source of the First Singularity, which was in Gilles's hands.
"Senpai, look..." Mash whispered.
Ritsuka turned and saw that the Servants who had fought shoulder-to-shoulder with them began to disappear, returning to the Throne of Heroes.
"Well, it's over. Our acquaintance was short, but I'm glad I could fulfill my duty. Thank you, Master," George said.
"It was a pleasure to help. If you summon me again, I, Siegfried, will be your loyal blade."
They disappeared first.
"Hey, Red! You're good. If we meet again, I'll consider taking you on as my manager!" Elizabeth threw as she faded away.
"Pool-san, Mash... Now France is truly saved," Jeanne smiled.
"Jeanne..." Gilles de Rais, the commander of the resistance, approached her with longing in his eyes. The Maiden, remembering the other Gilles who became a Caster, looked at him gently.
"Do not despair, Gilles. And if you ever stray onto the wrong path again, I will personally appear to gouge out your eyes."
"Jeanne... On behalf of all of France... I apologize for your unjust execution."
"Thank you."
With these words, Jeanne d'Arc disappeared.
"It's time for us to go home too."
"Yes. You've worked hard, Senpai. And you, Pool-san, especially."
"Yeah, now the credits will roll, and a bunch of poor souls with full bladders will sit until the end hoping for a post-credits scene."
Deadpool scratched his ass, muttering another absurdity under his breath.
"And by the way, what was I saying... If your partner is lagging behind, have the decency to look back at least once! With such attention, you won't assemble a team! So get ready today: I'll make you eat as many chimichangas with triple sauce of capsaicin and jalapeños as you can fit in!"
"Ah... no, not that!"
Ritsuka broke out in a cold sweat. The mere thought of this "hellish kitchen" made his head spin. He wanted to stay here, in ruined France, just to avoid this.
"[Okay, stand still. I'll send you back to Chaldea now.]"
"Fou!"
"W-wait! Can we have just five more minutes?!"
Doctor Roman set the coordinates, and Ritsuka, Mash, Deadpool, and Fou turned into myriad photons.
Later, Ritsuka, stuffed with chimichangas to the point of "about to burst," was rushed to the infirmary, and Deadpool threw a grand tantrum with Da Vinci-chan. But that's another story entirely.
[1431 AD — Hundred Years' War of Evil Dragons: Orleans. The restoration of human order is complete.]
We won! Orleans—that's it!
***
Read the story months ahead of the public release — early chapters are available on my Patreon: Granulan