After eight hours of staring down the inner workings of the human anatomy, with the strong stench of failure clinging to my body, exhaustion had very well made it home within my bones.
The soft layer of the couch in my office did nothing to sooth the ache, I was beat emotionally and physically. Stretched out on my couch, shoes off and feet situated over one armrest and my arms resting over my face.
I was finally away, from the antiseptic smells, the strong stench of bleach around death, the rhythmic beeps that predict the course of human life.
It was funny how life worked, A single misstep, a fragile thread snapped, and those eyes forever taken from me.
The moment my eyelids shut I was back at the operating table fighting to save a life, someone that wanted nothing to do with this misery we call life and had taken those bold steps in finally ending theirs.
And I had failed, both myself, his parents and every other doctor assisting in that room. I stood and watched the life drained from his eyes just like I did back then. Not even having the decency to break the news to the parents as the lead doctor, rather I had sent my apprentice to do my dirty job, to take the blame and onslaught from the grieving parents.
Pathetic.
I was nothing more than a failure and a murderer disguised as a doctor.
A sharp knock shattered the silence, followed by the creak of the door. I barely had time to sit up before Merrick Crane swaggered in like he owned the place. Chief Medical Officer and king of smug assholes.
I rolled my eyes, great just what I needed right now.
"What is it that you want now Merrick?" I muttered without looking at him.
He didn't answer. Just dropped a manila folder onto my desk and stared.
I stood, because if there was one thing worse than Merrick's presence, it was having to look up at him while he lorded over me.
Merrick had been a torn ever since I took over the hospital from my parents a few months ago, he sat with the board and is so self-absorbed that he can't see past his massive ego.
It was obvious that he thinks me incompetent from the start and has made it his mission to prove it. From manipulating my performance reviews even going ahead as to publicly humiliate me at meetings, he had done it all.
And while it was now my company, I unfortunately couldn't remove him that easily, he had very powerful friends.
Regardless, today I was not having it, especially after the day I just had. I certainly wasn't in the mood for one of his numerous mind fucks, the guilt I felt for failing that poor boy and his family ate at me and I just wanted to be away for a while.
"Doctor Remi Isla Petal, Chief of Surgery," he said, voice sugary and fake. I hated the way he dragged out my title like it was a joke.
"If you came to waste my time, I suggest you leave now." My voice was flat, razor thin.
"Calm down, while I would love to pick your brains out, I'm here strictly for those," he gestures down the table, back to those files he left there.
But as I skim through it, I found it consisted of routine documentation, funding and more administration paperwork that needed my signature.
"You can leave; I will deal with it." I said, not wanting to be in the same space as him.
But he only shakes his head. "I'm afraid it's rather urgent, I wouldn't want you to mess this up like you did earlier."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I mean what did you expect, operating without proper clearances, there was bound to be casualties but since you are the boss everything can be swept under a rug. He muttered dryly.
I could immediately feel heat rising up my chest, confused at what his words even meant, and he just kept going.
"You'll always pride yourself as the best at what you do."
"That's because I am!"
"No, you're not, you're a failure and a murderer," he said flatly like the whole conversation irritated him and he was just about done with me.
"And you did fail today," he added, twisting the knife.
"You operated without proper consent. And the patient died."
I stood dead in my track at the obvious lie, watching the smirk that form on his lips, now I understood just how serious he really was, he was going to destroy my career, and for what?
This selfish motherfucker.
"Just imagine what the media would do with this little story," he said, almost gleeful.
I stepped forward, fury pulsing in my throat. "You can't be serious Merrick." My words fired off, fast and hot.
"You let your personal vendetta with me interfere with saving a life. Again, I'm exhausted of you, of this twisted power play, of everything. Does being a doctor mean anything to you?" I pressed.
His eyes darkened at my words, towering over me. "Don't test me Remi. Not today."
"What do you want?" I sigh.
My throat tightened.
I felt suffocated, I don't understand why he was doing this, he was going to ruin my career, my whole life and he did not care.
There've got to be something more going on here, this just isn't about jealousy anymore and if he doesn't mind ruining my life and career, I certainly don't mind doing the same to him.
His smile didn't reach his eyes. "Pass those along will you." He muttered, giving a small wave as he left my office.
The silence he left behind felt heavy, wrapping around the room.
I let out a slow breath and rubbed my face, pressing so hard on my forehead until little sparks burst behind my eyes.
I could only hope that he was just trying to get a reaction out of me again and wasn't serious about the lie he believed.
This was such a long day, not only does my body ache, but my medical licence could also be on the line now, just how worst could this day get.
Saving lives was the only way I knew how to live with myself, my guilt, my past and the blood on my hands. Every pulse I restored felt like one breath closer to redemption. But no matter how many I saved; it wasn't enough.
I'm still guilty, and the guilt consumed me every waking hour that I breathe.
His face hunts me, his smile, people always say time heals all wounds, not this one, I feel it like it happened yesterday.
Cold water against my face dragged me back to reality. The dim light of the bathroom—attached to my office cast everything in a sickly hue.
Dark grey eyes stared back at me, hollow and unblinking, like they dared me to look away first. My curls, once springy and full of life, now clung limply to my shoulders, my skin–coffee-stained and dulled with exhaustion–looked as though it had been scrubbed raw by guilt.
I looked like someone who hadn't slept. Not just last night, but in years.
I sighed and turned away from the disgusting sight staring back at me. Walking back into my office in search for one thing.
The white unlabelled bottle was sealed off in my drawers, I popped the cap with a shaky hand and dry-swallowed two pills, my throat tightening around the bitter taste just as—
The door creaked open.
Shit.
Startled, my hand jerked, knocking the bottle sideways inside the drawer which cause the bottle to spill over.
"What is it and people barging into my office today." I snapped. Hurrying to put them back.
"Remi?"
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Great, now I am getting mad at Amber.
"I can come back later," she said softly.
"No, no, it's fine. Just been… a day. What's up?"
"Nothing really," she said.
Amber stood in the doorway like she wasn't sure she was allowed to take up space. White hair fell in a straight spill past her shoulders, almost silver under the fluorescent lights. It made her blue eyes look sharper.
The standard hospital scrubs hung a little loose on her narrow frame, pale fabric against pale skin, sleeves rolled once at the wrist. She held a thick stack of documents against her chest, fingers curled tight around the edges.
I forced a smile and shoved the bottle back in the drawer as she drew closer, catching my hand painfully on the edge as I slammed it shut.
"Fuck!"
"You okay?" Amber crossed the room toward me, concern in every step.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I sucked on the throbbing finger and moved to the couch before she could press further.
Her gaze flicked to the desk, then back to me.
She didn't say anything about it, though. Instead, she trailed after me toward the couch and sat down carefully at the edge, the stack of documents balanced neatly on her lap.
It was silent between us as I leaned back against the armrest and brought my hand to my mouth, sucking at the sting in my fingers. The metallic taste of skin and irritation filled my mouth while Amber's blue eyes tracked the movement as she eyed me suck on my fingers.
Oh god, I hope she didn't see me taking the pills, cause that would be a pain to lie about.
"So," she finally said, casual as ever, "Merrick looked smug on his way out."
I groaned, flopping back into the cushions. "The man lives to haunt me."
"That bad?"
"You have no idea, he thinks I operated without proper consent"
"Did you?" she asked almost in disbelief.
"Of course not, Jesus, Amber what do you take me for?"
"A dumbass," she smiled, nudging me a little.
Amber Rae was as nasty as they came, we met shortly after I started working at the hospital and hit it off. she was fun, unfiltered and crude. Above all she was a great friend.
"Is that more paperwork for me?" I said with a sigh, eyeing the stack she now left on the coffee table.
"I'm afraid so boss," she joked "I know you're clocking out, so I will just get those later,"
I sigh again, staring up at the plain ceiling as I rested on the couch.
"Merrick is probably just messing with you," she said when it was silent between us.
To which I could only nod.
I could tell she wanted to say more from the way she looked at me.
I really hope he was.