Zenor is one of those people they call 'overthinkers'. Just by hearing the word a lot of people get a clear idea on what it means but just in case.. Overthinkers are people that live more in their mind than in reality.
They think of every conversation they have had before, drown in the possibilities of the present and relive the future from multiple perspectives before it even happens. From an outsiders point of view the subject of overthinking is a disease of the mind but for Zenor.. it is a vile curse that has taken everything away from him.
Zenor is a natural born genius who has been trapped in his mind for as long he remembers breathing and by twelve his entire world was collapsing.
The therapist had said it in a more endearing way but the plain way to put it is that overthinking and genius is like a dagger and poison. They both can kill but when working together the death is more painful, less gradual and surgery and anesthesia are less effective.
At twelve Zenor has already discovered that he is collapsing mentally and then the panic attacks and shock therapy came in. Nobody likes difficult children and especially not one like Zenor and so by thirteen Zenor's parents made a convenient choice of putting him in for more extreme forms of therapy. The kind of therapy that involves lots of needles, anesthesia, straitjackets, hospital gowns and almost total removal from the concept of freedom.
At first they visited often but it only too a few months for that to change. Soon, Zenor's parents fully disconnected and apart from the two times he had tried to kill himself they didn't show up. By fifteen, Zenor.. broke.
Zenor didn't break in the sense of becoming insane but rather something broke in him. He had been desperate for attention so he had tried to kill himself more often in order to see his parents face but.. they stopped coming. Not even when he put something that can only be described as unholy into his own stomach.
Zenor was broken but he wanted more than ever to be free and so he played along. He stopped trying to kill himself, he started interacting with the other patients and even gave a sore smile once in a while.
It worked. The hours they put him in straitjackets reduced, he was given more freedom to move around the mental grounds and they went easy on the drugs and needles not knowing that Zenor is more unstable than he had ever been before.
Zenor's acting became better as the days went by and by seventeen they finally gave him the green light.. he can go home!. His parents whom he had not seen for almost three years showed up on that day.
They wore happy smiles that twisted his stomach and the woman who called herself his mother even hugged him though Zenor saw through it all. He saw the doubt in their eyes, the fearful hesitation to approach him, the way that looked at him like a wild dog to be tamed and worst of all the way they shielded his younger brother by four years(James) from him as if scared he would harm him.
Zenor was sick and they sent him to a place that replaced his scratches with scars, he was drowning and they flooded his world with drugs, he was in pain and they looked at him like a monster for screaming. They tied him up physically when he was already chained in his mind and they made him bleed for attention and still denied him their touch.
When his mother hugged him on the day of his release, Zenor felt a wave in him. A part of him seems to still crave her attention but the rest of him felt nothing. No love, no hate.. just a void of what could have been.
Zenor followed them to the car and silently watched the structures at the sides of the road as they drove home in stifling silence. They got to the new house that his parents had gotten and with a single glance at the interior Zenor know exactly why they had moved.
To forget him. There were pictures on almost every wall but none of them has his face in it. Zenor even remembers a particular picture on the wall. He had taken it with his parents but his entire existence has been edited out of the frame.
A bit of anger rose up in Zenor's chest and in an instant his mind conjured a disturbing amount of scenarios about the result of him acting out his anger. None of the end results were good and ninety nine percent of them would lead him back to that dreadful place. Knowing this, Zenor swallowed his words and anger and put on a small smile.
"The new house is bigger than our old one.", Zenor comments under the disturbingly observant face of his parents.
That day passed in a terrible blur and soon the year followed through with the same pace. Life was pain. With every second more that Zenor wore his mask of stability the more the already broken pieces of his mind slipped between his fingers. There were times when Zenor's mask slipped but over time he became more natural in his acting. Things were getting a bit better and then a life-changing incident happened.
They went to an amusement park.. Zenor and his family. Zenor didn't want to go but his mother promised fun. Zenor saw through his mother's smile on that day and immediately knew what the so called family outing was about.
It was a test. It has been a bit over a year since Zenor has been free from the torments of advanced therapy and now his parents need to know just how much of his acting of stability is real.
When he was young, the countless probabilities of what could go wrong from riding a swing has always led him to extreme panic attacks and now his dearest family wants to go on an outing of riding a rollercoaster. How endearing.
Zenor had planned to put on his thickest mask for the outing and he prayed to the heavens for the best of luck but he failed. He failed.. terribly.
During the rollercoaster ride, he was sucked into his mind filled with horrible possibilities and the moment the safety straps went of him he ran a bit and then collapsed in a mental breakdown.
Driven by anxiety, Zenor could not process reality as he pulled off his jacket in maddened frenzy. Covered in cold sweat, Zenor could not catch his breath and so he clawed his throat. He desperately searched for relief and in the midst of his breakdown he could catch brief flashes of reality.
People calling for an ambulance and some calling for the police as they spaced from him. Children clinging to their mothers and even his warden-like family watching from a distance with what seems to be pained clarity and panic in their eyes.
Everything was happening so quickly and slowly at the same time and finally someone held him. A stranger, a girl with the scent of nature and soft roses. She grabbed both his shoulders and forced Zenor to look at her.
"You're gonna be okay. Just follow my pace and catch your breath.", She said and somehow the hold she had on Zenor's shoulders seems to pull him out of his mind and back into reality.
She didn't let go. She looked into Zenor's eyes and told him to breath and so he did. One deep breath at a time, one consoling statement at a time and for the first time since forever somebody was able to pull Zenor out of his mind and back into reality.
Her name was Miyazaki.. Maya for short and to Zenor she was a guardian angel. Maybe the heavens gave Zenor a gift because after that day Maya asked Zenor out.
To Zenor it felt like a dream. The most gorgeous girl he has ever met, the most wonderful soul he has ever felt had asked him out!. Not even after a hundred nights of overthinking would Zenor ever consider the probability of finding love and so it seems even more unrealistic that love has found him!.
After the incident at the amusement park, Zenor's family became more distant. The never fading caution in their eyes became more pronounced and three month later his father even tried to bring up therapy.
Never again!. Zenor made it absolutely clear to them that he is never going to that prison again and then he ran away from home. With nowhere to go, Zenor began to trail his way to Maya's house. They have been dating for two months now and a few weeks ago Maya moved to an apartment that's just a few streets away.
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