Most people in this world pray for a "Lucky Day." They want to find a gold coin in the gutter or get a blessing from some high-and-mighty Saintess.
Me? I just pray to wake up without my bed collapsing or a stray lightning bolt hitting my chimney.
My name is Zenith, and according to the "Divine Fate System," my luck score is a solid -1000. If there's a 99% chance of success, I'm the idiot who hits the 1%.
"Nibbles, stop eating the floorboards. We're already getting evicted," I muttered, kicking a piece of wood away from my pet.
Nibbles, a fuzzy ball of literal shadows, let out a glitchy chirping sound. His tail flickered, momentarily vanishing into a purple rift before reappearing. He looked at me with those glowing eyes, probably judging my life choices.
"Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault the landlord's cat tripped over a ritual candle and burned the hallway down," I sighed, stuffing my only spare shirt into a worn-out trench coat pocket.
I stepped outside into the Imperial City of Aethelgard. It was "Blessing Day." The streets were packed with noble brats and wannabe heroes, all heading toward the Grand Cathedral. They were there to touch the Orb of Providence—a massive crystal that grants magical powers based on how much the Gods like you.
I wasn't there for a blessing. I was there because the Cathedral's soup kitchen was the only place giving out free bread, and I hadn't eaten in two days.
"Stay hidden, buddy," I whispered to Nibbles, who crawled into my oversized coat collar.
As I neared the Cathedral, the crowd became a sea of silk and gold. And then, I saw her.
High up on the marble balcony stood Aurelia.
She looked like she was made of sunlight. Golden hair, a dress that probably cost more than this entire district, and eyes so green they looked like expensive emeralds. She was the Saintess of Fortune—the luckiest person alive.
The crowd went silent as she raised her golden scepter. She looked bored. Like, really bored. To her, this was just another Tuesday of being perfect.
"The Trial begins!" a priest shouted.
One by one, warriors stepped up to the Orb. Most got a faint glow. Some got nothing. One guy touched it, and the Orb turned black—he was dragged away screaming as his skin started turning to stone.
"Yikes," I whispered, chewing on a dry crust of bread I found in my pocket. "Glad I'm just here for the soup."
But then, my luck kicked in. Or rather, my lack of it.
A stray pigeon—probably possessed by a demon of bad timing—decided to dive-bomb my head. I dodged. My foot hit a discarded banana peel.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," I hissed.
I didn't just fall. I launched.
I skidded past the guards, tumbled over the velvet ropes, and flew straight onto the ceremonial stage. The world went into slow motion. I saw the priests' shocked faces. I saw Aurelia's eyes widen.
And then, my hand slammed right into the Orb of Providence.
The crystal, which had survived thousands of years, didn't glow. It didn't turn black.
It started to vibrate. Violent, angry tremors shook the ground.
[SYSTEM ALERT: ERROR... ERROR...]
[CRITICAL FAILURE DETECTED.]
[LUCK LEVEL: -1000 ENCOUNTERED DIVINE SOURCE.]
[INITIATING REALITY GLITCH...]
CRACK.
A spiderweb of fractures raced across the "indestructible" orb. Then, with a sound like a thousand windows breaking at once, it exploded.
Silence. Absolute, terrifying silence.
I stayed on the floor, face-down in the dust. I could feel Nibbles shivering in my collar.
"Uh..." I croaked, looking up at the hundreds of elite knights pointing spears at my throat. "Is the free soup still available?"
I looked up. Aurelia was standing right at the edge of the balcony, staring down at me. For the first time in her life, she didn't look bored. She looked like she wanted to murder me and study my corpse at the same time.
The spears were inches from my eyes. I could smell the cold steel. One twitch from a nervous guard and I'd be a human kebab.
"Don't move, you absolute cockroach!" the Head Priest screamed, his face turning a dangerous shade of purple. "You destroyed the Holy Orb! Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"I... I tripped?" I offered, giving them my best 'I'm-just-a-clumsy-idiot' smile.
Nibbles poked his head out of my collar, let out a glitchy mewl, and immediately vanished back into the shadows of my coat. Traitor.
Suddenly, the crowd parted. The heavy clack-clack of heels on marble echoed through the silence.
Aurelia.
She walked down the stairs with a grace that made me feel even more like trash. Up close, she was even more intimidating. Her emerald eyes weren't just green; they were glowing with raw, unfiltered power. She stopped a foot away from me and looked down at the pile of shattered crystal dust that used to be a national treasure.
"Back off," she commanded the guards. Her voice was like silk, but it had the edge of a blade.
The knights hesitated, then retreated. Aurelia knelt down, her expensive white gown touching the dirty floor without a care. She picked up a shard of the broken orb. It crumbled into ash in her hand.
"A thousand years," she whispered, her eyes locking onto mine. "This orb has survived wars, dragons, and literal gods. And you... you broke it by slipping on fruit?"
"Technically, it was the pigeon's fault," I muttered.
She didn't laugh. She grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at her. "Your luck... I can't feel it. Everyone has a flow. A rhythm. But you? You're a hole. A void in the fabric of fate."
Before I could answer, a blue screen flickered in front of my eyes. It was glitching so hard the text was vibrating.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
[Anomaly Detected: The Saintess of Fortune is touching a 'Zero-Luck' Entity.]
[Chaos Points Gained: 5,000 (Reason: Extreme Embarrassment & Threat of Death)]
[Warning: Equilibrium is breaking! Activating 'Glitch Step'...]
"Wait, what?" I gasped.
Suddenly, the ground beneath me felt like it wasn't there.
"What are you doing?" Aurelia's eyes widened. She tried to grab my arm, but her hand passed right through me as if I were a ghost.
"I'm not doing anything! This is the part where my life usually gets worse!" I yelled.
BOOM.
A shockwave of purple energy erupted from my chest. It wasn't an explosion of fire—it was an explosion of weirdness.
The spears held by the guards turned into long, slimy baguettes. The terrifying Head Priest's fancy robes transformed into a bright pink tutu. Even the stone floor beneath us turned into marshmallows.
The crowd went into a frenzy. Aurelia was the only one who didn't panic. She stood her ground, even as her golden scepter turned into a giant, squeaky rubber hammer.
She looked at the rubber hammer in her hand. Squeak. She looked at me.
"Zenith..." she hissed, her face flushed with a mix of rage and genuine curiosity. "You are coming with me. Now."
"Look, I'd love to stay and chat," I said, feeling the System pulling me backward into a rift. "But I think I left my oven on. And by oven, I mean my life is currently imploding."
[GLITCH COMPLETE: Random Teleportation Initiated.]
The last thing I saw was Aurelia throwing the rubber hammer at my head with the precision of a pro athlete.
Squeak! It hit me right in the forehead just as I vanished into the void.
[Location: Unknown Dark Alleyway - 10 Minutes Later]
I slammed into a pile of trash cans.
"Ow... my dignity," I groaned, rubbing the massive lump on my head.
Nibbles crawled out, looking dizzy. He burped a small purple spark.
"Well, buddy," I sighed, looking at my trembling hands. "We just destroyed the world's most holy object, humiliated the Saintess, and turned the Imperial Guard into a bakery. On the bright side, I didn't die."
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
[Current Quest: Survive the Saintess.]
[Reward: A map to the nearest non-exploding tavern.]
[Penalty for Failure: Marriage. (The 'Unlucky' kind).]
"Wait, penalty for failure is WHAT?"
From the shadows at the end of the alley, a familiar, cold voice echoed.
"You didn't think it would be that easy to run from me, did you, Zenith?"
Aurelia stepped into the light. She was still wearing the gown, but she had a dagger in one hand and a terrifyingly calm smile on her face.
"My 'Perfect Luck' told me exactly where you'd land. Now, we're going to have a very long talk about how you're going to fix my hammer."