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3rd POV
Penny and Luke stared at the screen in front of them, mouths hanging wide open. Their eyes were locked on their father, Ted Mosby, as he continued telling his story, a full-blown saga that sounded completely unreal coming straight from his mouth.
It was genuinely shocking.
If they had heard this from Uncle Barney, they would've dismissed it immediately. Even Luke had long stopped fully believing Barney's so-called legendary stories, not the womanizing part (that was just Barney's lifestyle), but the ridiculous rules, the even more ridiculous explanations behind those rules, and the absolute confidence with which Barney delivered them.
But this?
….This was coming from their father.
"…Really?" Penny finally said, gasping softly. The shock was still written all over her face, like her brain hadn't quite caught up yet.
Luke, on the other hand, shifted from stunned silence to a wide grin. He leaned forward and held out a fist toward Ted.
"That's sick, bro!"
"I am notyour bro!" Ted snapped instantly.
Luke only shrugged and pulled his fist back like it was no big deal.
"Now, I'm just telling you this," Ted continued, straightening a little, "....but you know your father is a charming man." He said with a little smile on his face.
Luke scrunched his face in disgust with his tongue rolled out. Penny rolled her eyes clearly the same as Luke, showing her father that she didn't agree to what he just said.
Still… annoyingly enough, they both knew it wasn't entirely false.
Scratch that.
Their friends still asked about Ted like he was some kind of cool younger uncle or a celebrity they happened to be related to.
Especially Penny….whose friends had crossed several lines of curiosity whenever they came over to her house.
"Well," Ted said casually, "now you know that me and your Aunt Robin have… some history." He said before he could smoothly move on to the next chapter of his story, Penny suddenly shouted, "Dad! You still haven't explained 'why' Aunt Robin sleeps with you?!"
The moment the words left her mouth, Penny froze. Her face turned red instantly. "…Details are important, Dad," she added quickly, trying to cover her embarrassment. "....You always say that."
Luke nodded enthusiastically, completely ignoring Penny's flaming face.
"Yeah! Why would gorgeous Aunt Robin want to sleep with you?" he asked bluntly. "I mean, I've seen her Thanksgiving pictures."
Ted leaned back with the most smug expression imaginable, looking straight at Luke like he was about to drop forbidden wisdom.
"Well, Luke… my boy," Ted said arrogantly, "....never underestimate me."
"…Ugh. I really want to punch his face," Luke whispered to Penny.
Penny groaned in agreement.
"…Like your Aunt Lily once said," Ted continued, completely ignoring them, "....everybody wanted a piece of this Teddy Westside."
Both kids visibly cringed and make another groaned face.
"So," Ted went on cheerfully, "you really want to know what happened? Why Robin slept with me?"
"…I already regret asking," Luke muttered, trying to interrupt.
But Ted waved him off. "I'll tell you! Chill, guys. I'll tell you—no need to fight like that."
Ted paused dramatically, clearly imagining his children desperately fighting over who got to hear the story first.
In reality, Penny and Luke were not fighting.
They were just staring at him with identical expressions of exhaustion.
"Okay," Ted finally said, satisfied with himself. "So… back when we were drunk, I had just resigned from my job, and we were celebrating…"
Penny and Luke sank deeper into the couch again with their arms crossed and trying to pretend to calm.
They would never admit they cared.
….But they listened anyway.
—-----
The night was still young, and the Ted Group was very far from slowing down. Champagne bottles kept disappearing one after another, replaced almost immediately by new ones. The entire bar had somehow turned into a drunken choir, everyone singing something different and believing they were absolutely nailing it.
The music was blaring—so loud that even Ted had started performing what he proudly called a brand-new beatbox style.
While drunk, he thought he was amazing.
He wasn't.
But the crowd clapped anyway.
Not because Ted was good.
They clapped because Ted was the one paying for their drinks right now. So they just clapped to boost his Ego to play more and more.
Ted tossed the microphone aside with dramatic flair and staggered back toward the booth, his steps sluggish and uneven. He found his friends still chugging their drinks, laughter erupting randomly between sentences that barely made sense.
"…You are sooo…" Lily slurred as Ted finally reached the booth, squinting at him like she was solving a complex math problem. "…duuumb!!! You thinkkk that's… rap?!"
Marshall laughed beside her, one arm securely wrapped around Lily to keep her upright.
"…That'ss not rap!" he corrected proudly. "He… is… beat boxing!!!"
Barney slammed his hand on the table, his tie already loose and crooked around his neck.
"WHO'S fighting with you, Ted!!!" he shouted, for absolutely no reason or he only heard of 'Boxing' from Marshal words.
Robin had somehow joined them again, clutching her glass tightly. She ignored the group entirely before sliding halfway under the table, her voice echoing from below.
"Why am I in here?! Daddy!! Help me!"
Carl, watching the chaos from behind the bar, finally snapped. He marched over with the exhausted patience of a man who had seen too much tonight.
"Ted! You're drunk enough! That's it and stop this already!"
Ted blinked at Carl, then smiled warmly, swaying as Carl helped him stand. "Carl! My friend! My best friend!"
Barney and Marshall shouted at the exact same time: ""I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND!!""
Ted patted his chest proudly and threw them both a peace sign which simply made both of them calm, before turning back to Carl.
"Friend… you know that… ohhh…" Ted suddenly paused, swallowing hard. "…I think I'm gonna throw up…"
The sacred record—vomit-free since '93—was in danger!. So he just calmed himself, and didn't let that Record break for the night here.
"Come on," Carl sighed. "Wendy will help send you home."
"NO! NO! NO!" Ted protested, slapping Carl's hands away. "I got this! Don't worry, my friend!!"
He puffed out his chest, turned to his friends, and declared loudly. "Party's OVER, guys!!"
"AWWW!!!"
"NOOO!!!"
"DADDY!!! I CAN STILL GO ON!!!"
The last one came from Robin, who popped her head above the table with a full-on childish tantrum expression.
"Robin! No, no! Let's go!" Ted wagged his finger at her.
Of course, neither of them was capable of self-control. Robin pouted dramatically, crawled out from under the table, and held out her arms toward Ted.
Ted sighed. "You really are a spoiled child…"
He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her effortlessly, like she weighed nothing at all. Robin immediately snuggled into his neck and gave a little kiss to his neck while giggling.
Carl and the remaining sober staff could only watch as Ted carried Robin out so calmly like that even though he was just as drunk as his friends here. Ted walked out of the bar and was followed by Marshall, who had Lily piggybacked on his back and then Barney, who walked wobblily until Carl finally intervened.
It took several bar employees to get them all back to Ted and Marshall's apartment.
{I don't really remember how we all got back to the apartment… but here's what I do remember.} — Old Ted
Ted was still carrying Robin when they stumbled inside. They collapsed together onto the sofa in a tangled heap. "Ahhh!! Home sweet home!" Ted announced proudly.
Robin's arms were still looped around his neck. "Hey, Robin! We're home!"
She cracked one eye open and looked around. "…Where's the drink?"
Ted shook his head firmly and stood up. "No. No more drinking." He returned with a bottle of water. "Here. Drink this first."
"Pffft!" Robin snorted. "Water? You're funny, Dad!" but Ted only narrowed his eyes and held the bottle closer before Robin grumbled but finally accepted it.
"We are hoooome!!!" Lily declared loudly from Marshall's back.
"…Go down, sweetie. I'm tired…" Marshall begged, lowering her carefully. Lily got down from Marshal's back and walked slowly to Ted and Robin's side.
Lily squinted at Ted and Robin holding water. "Pfft. Water? You trying to baptize us or something?!"
The water helped—just a little. Enough to keep them functional.
Not enough to defeat the alcohol demons.
The door suddenly slammed open. "I BROUGHT THE WINE!!!" Barney shouted, holding up a massive bottle.
"YEAHHH!!!" Lily and Robin screamed in unison and Robin threw that water bottle away from her. They both running to the kitchen to get glasses for the party must go on!.
Marshall and Ted immediately tried to grab it. "How did you get that?!"
Barney smirked proudly. "Sleight of hand, baby."
Then added, "I can undress women in seconds!"
"You are dangerous," Lily muttered, trying to hit him but failing because her hands were full of glasses.
Robin lifted her glass and looked at Ted. "You're drinking with me, Daddy!"
Ted squinted. "You're being naughty…" He reached for her glass.
Robin dodged him, giggling loudly and running away from him.
POP!
Barney opened the bottle and poured generously. "PARTY'S NOT OVER, GUYS!!" he yelled before chugging. "WHERE'S THE CHICKS?!"
Marshall and Lily laughed uncontrollably and sank deep into the couch.
"We are cool," Marshall declared seriously. "Noooo DruNk PeoOple Heeere ofFICER!." His voice became slurred again.
"You're drunk, baby," Lily laughed, lifting her glass. "BARNEY!!!"
Barney tried to focus on his phone, about to call a woman he'd already slept with, which is breaking his own rule but then stopped himself.
"No! I will NEVER sleep with the same woman twice!" Barney said with seriousness and drunkenness, "UNleS!! THey have Boobs IMplant!!" Barney said and laughed loudly toward Lily and Marshal who just shouted with him but they both clearly didn't know what Barney was talking about right now. The alcohol comes back strong again toward their body.
The party kept going.
But two people were missing now.
Ted and Robin.
While Marshall, Lily, and Barney were still downstairs enjoying the wine Barney had somehow smuggled in, Ted and Robin were already halfway up to the rooftop.
Robin giggled the entire way, deliberately stepping too close to the edge of the ladder just to tease him.
"Look! I'm gonna fall, Daddy! Catch me!!!" she laughed dramatically, swaying her body on purpose as she climbed.
Ted's heart jumped.
"Robin—!"
He reached out instinctively and smacked her butt hard enough to make his point, but not enough to actually hurt her.
Robin yelped as her feet finally touched the rooftop. "You slapped my butt! I hate you!" she said, spinning around to glare at him. But the redness creeping across her cheeks betrayed her far more than her words ever could.
"You're messing around, young lady," Ted said firmly, slipping into his fake-serious tone. "What if you really fell?"
Robin rolled her eyes exaggeratedly and stuck her tongue out at him, clearly not taking him seriously. But the moment Ted lifted his hand again, she reacted instantly, covering her butt and staying away from him.
"Okay, okay!" she protested loudly with a little grumpy face before she looked around the rooftop with her hands on her hips and lightly squinting at the sky.
"So… what are we doing here?" she asked. "Looking at the stars?" Her tone was sarcastic and unimpressed to Ted.
But Ted didn't care at all. "Yes, we are," Ted replied calmly as he walked over to one of the lounge chairs and sat down. He tapped his thigh lightly. "Come here."
Robin shrugged and, without hesitation, climbed onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, settling in comfortably, her body fitting against his like it belonged there.
"…You've never slapped me before," she muttered with a mischievous grin.
"You're being naughty, Robin," Ted said, sliding his arms around her waist. "And naughty children get punished."
Robin rolled her eyes again, but her smile softened as she leaned back against his chest. Her gaze drifted upward toward the sky, and she let out a slow, quiet sigh.
"There are no stars," she whispered. "Where are they?"
Ted followed her gaze, then looked back down at her.
"The stars are hiding," he said softly. "They're a bunch of cowards."
Robin glanced up at him, confused. "They're scared of you," Ted continued, his eyes never leaving her face. "Your presence is too bright, Robin."
His smile was gentle, warm, sincere, effortlessly charming. Gazing calmly at Robin eyes like sucking her presence to get more and more intimate to him.
Robin's breath hitched just a little.
Intoxicated or not, the way he looked at her made her heart flutter. She giggled quietly and snuggled closer, resting her head against his chest. Her fingers traced slow, absent-minded patterns over his shirt, rubbing lightly as if she didn't even realize she was doing it.
{Yeah kids, That's how i make her more into me. I am just as charming as I used to be.} - Old Ted said with a smug face and arrogant tone.
They're lips touching each other in the dark night and cold weather.
The night air was cold up on the rooftop.
But wrapped in each other like this….They didn't feel it at all.