Chapter 17: First Night in the Dungeons: Plotting World Domination 101
Only a few minutes into the start-of-term feast and Tom had already managed to do some nearly irreparable damage.
Needless to say, he was extremely proud of himself.
Abraxas Malfoy and Orion Black were both glaring at each other. Cygnus, Alphard, and Dorea Black alternated between glaring at Abraxas and sizing Tom up.
Crabbe and Goyle, Malfoy's cronies, alternated between glaring at the Blacks and at their own dinners. Lestrange was glaring at Tom for stealing the attentions of both the Malfoys and the Blacks.
Tom, on the other hand, was smiling back disarmingly, which, to his utter amusement, completely threw him off.
Because Slytherins, apparently, were never allowed to smile, ever. Smirking and sneering, sure, but never smiling. It was as if being happy was a foreign concept to them.
Which Tom found rather confusing, because even Evil Overlords had to remain upbeat somehow, didn't they? Being depressed all the time was definitely not something you would want if you became immortal.
After that, Lestrange just looked hopelessly confused, as did the rest of the Slytherins, who had been too busy gossiping to notice that entire previous exchange, and Tom had to use all his willpower not to look up at everyone every time he took a drink, because he would certainly laugh, inhale some – whatever it was – pumpkin juice? – and choke.
Bad table manners in front of a bunch of snooty nobles made for bad PR among said nobles.
Luckily, Tom didn't inhale any of his drink that night, although he made sure Orion Black did.
All it took was a slight invisible push with his magic so that the designated heir to the Black family tipped over his glass a little too far, performed simultaneously with a Sneezing Hex, and voila! His – whatever he was drinking – literally went spraying everywhere.
Well, everywhere all over Abraxas Malfoy.
And since no one could expect a first-year who never had a magical background to perform wandless magic perfectly on the first day at school (both of his hands, in clear view of everyone at the table, had been occupied with a fork and a knife at the time), Orion Black automatically assumed that Abraxas Malfoy had hexed him on purpose.
Meanwhile, Abraxas Malfoy, whose pristine robes and hair had been completely ruined by this massive and unforgivable breach of manners, assumed that Orion Black had made himself sneeze to directly insult him (especially after the other, too mortified by his "own" clumsiness, refused to apologize). All of which only made the already present schism even greater than before.
One thing was for sure – by the time Tom graduated, the Blacks and the Malfoys would be feuding so hard that Tom Marvolo Riddle would seem like the least of their troubles. Key word, of course, being seem.
Naturally, one night of misdemeanors wasn't enough to completely sever the ties between the Malfoys and the Blacks.
Sometime between the end of the feast and the trek between the Great Hall and the part of the dungeons where the Slytherin dormitories lay, the two of them had ended up cooling down enough to call a temporary truce.
They hadn't forgiven each other – no real Slytherin ever forgave or forgot – but the first day of classes started tomorrow and neither of them wanted to have to deal with all of this back-and-forth political muck so early in the year.
Tom would have to fix that.
For now, though, Tom was simply lying in bed, laying out the battle plans for the next seven years with Jerry. After all, 90% of an Evil Overlord's time was spent plotting (yes, even in sleep) – and that was one of the few stereotypes that Jerry actually considered useful.
All right, so we know that I can't do anything until I've mastered mind control. And I guess magical disguises, too.
And I guess it wouldn't hurt to learn some core curriculum spells ahead of schedule, like that rather helpful space-expansion charm thing and teleportation.
Well, technically, you're not allowed to formally learn teleportation until you're seventeen. It's one of the annoying ways they keep tabs on people here. But nothing's preventing you from making illegal Portkeys or whatever.
Portkeys?
Objects that help you teleport. They're annoying, though, because they only work between two points, whereas Apparition takes you anywhere. Only it's really easy to prevent people from apparating, but not using Portkeys, for some reason.
Or we COULD just create a method of teleportation that no one has ever heard of before. Like portals. Or smoke. Or shadows. Or anchors – like, as long as you've been to a certain spot before and marked it, you can go back there any time you want.
A – what did you call it? Portkeys, but an entire network of them, and they always work no matter how far away from them you are.
And since it's a completely new thing, no one will know how to stop it. And we need to figure out how to clone ourselves, too, just so we'll always have some sort of alibi.
Slow down. One thing at a time. Right now, mind control is the most important thing on the list. Master mind control, and you master everyone that matters without ever having to lift a finger. Mind control and disguises are all you need to conquer the world, really.
And immortality, too. Cliché, but you can't become an Evil Overlord if you're vulnerable to death or whatever else your enemies wish upon you.
Immortality is harder than mind control. Wizards already have very advanced mind control properties. Currently all the methods that help you attain immortality aren't worth it.
Like…?
Well, you could steal the Philosopher's Stone, or make one yourself, and drink the Elixir of Immortality. But it doesn't make you immortal. It just extends your life span. You essentially become dependent on it.
And it doesn't protect you from injury, which, in this occupation, will be a more likely death for you than old age. The only other method that I know of requires human sacrifices and gradually drives you insane.
Insanity. Not a good trait. This is so annoying…and next I'll suppose you'll tell me of "worse things than death like being tortured forever or having your soul sucked out by a Dementor"?
Well, everything we do needs to have a backdoor that can only be used by us.
That really is the only way?
I suppose there's a third method, but it's ridiculously complicated and isn't necessarily confirmed to give you immortality – plus, it's not permanent. You basically collect these three things, but you're only "immortal" as long as you have those three things.
…Meaning, if anyone ever takes one of those things from you, you're no longer immortal?
Exactly.
This is such a pain in the arse.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Maybe I'll just add "dissolving into smoke" to our to-do list. That way, if we ever get caught by anyone, we can just explode in their faces.
And I guess we should have at least six other backup plans, too, in case those pesky La Resistance fighters figure out some ingenious way to stop the smoke.
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