Chapter 8: The Day Priori Incantatem Became Useless
Besides being inconvenient and dangerous, however, the "no food" rule was also completely senseless.
After all, wood was a biotic substance too, wasn't it? It had the same level of complexity compared to animals, since it, too, was composed of cells and whatnot.
So why did wood not revert to the original, pre-transfiguration state, when edible things like fruit or protein did? It was possible to change a book into an actual living flower without any damage.
You could conjure Devil's Snare out of thin air, and that was as sentient as plants got. But as soon as you made anything remotely edible appear it became little more than an illusion.
Maybe it has something to do with energy levels. "Food" is something that will give your body more energy than it takes to digest, and doesn't also kill you. That's why you can make wood or air or water out of nothing. Because the human body can't digest wood.
Maybe.
Try changing something into celery. Celery gives you negative calories. I think. I heard lettuce and onions and cucumbers also take more energy to digest than they provide.
Tom flicked his wand at one of the books on his nightstand again, and the annoying green vegetable smiled up at him innocently. He tried to break it in half.
It reverted back to a book as soon as the first crack appeared in the stem.
WHAT THE HELL?
Well, obviously, that didn't work. Any other brilliant ideas, smart one?
WIZARDS MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE!
Tom sighed. On that note, neither does the spells, in general. I mean, Chinese wizards can make stuff float, too, right? But I doubt they use this bastardized Latin and French and whatever to do it.
And I never needed "Wingardium Leviosa" to make things float before, either. A wand, I can understand, because that's a physical tool used to control and channel magic. But words! Why does it matter what you say and how you wave your wand?
Jerry was silent. Then he suggested, Maybe it DOESN'T matter, and all of this spell business is little more than a placebo, to aid in concentration. Maybe it's not what you say, but the simple fact that you said something in the first place.
Maybe once upon a time, some wizard found that saying something stupid while he tried to make a feather float simply made it easier. And now everyone is saying "Wingardium Leviosa" because it helped that first guy.
You really think so?
We can test it. You're still fairly young, so you're not so dependent on this spell business just yet, and you're also powerful enough that you've become proficient in controlling your magic before Hogwarts has indoctrinated you in using random words and gestures.
Try one of those things that we couldn't do with a wand before, like…I don't know, making the book sprout legs and tap dance.
Is there even a spell for that?...never mind. There probably is. Wizards have absolutely NO sense of practicality whatsoever.
Whatever. This is for educational purposes!
So Tom pointed his wand at the book and willed it to start tap-dancing.
Start tap-dancing. Start tap-dancing. Grow a pair legs and start tap-dancing, dammit.
The book slowly and sluggishly raised itself into the air, sprouted some appendages made from thickly rolled paper from between the pages, and began bouncing around awkwardly on top of the nightstand.
Gradually, the movements became more certain, until finally, there was a book unmistakeably tap-dancing on his nightstand.
Tom stared, not knowing what to make of the situation.
So you can make inanimate objects tap-dance just by wanting it to, but you can't make celery? Celery might as well be WOOD for the amount of nutrition it gives you! WHAT THE HELL?
Jerry…are you sure I'm real, and all of this just isn't some figment of my imagination? Because there's no way anything can make this little sense.
Maybe YOU'RE the imaginary one, and I'm lying in the hospital in a coma after getting hit by a truck.
Ha ha ha. Very funny.
The important thing is figuring out this food business. I mean, the rule against "no making actual living things" makes sense because you'd have to remember to conjure all the proper nerves and whatnot, and "no making precious metals" is a given because we don't want to get arrested, but…food? What sort of random exception is that? Did someone just pull that rule out of their ass?
Seems like it. I mean, I suppose it could be because proteins, starches, vitamins, and so on are just too complex for the human mind to imagine.
So wizards just sort of imagine what food looks like on the surface, but then it's not really food…Maybe that's why most wizards have trouble conjuring clothes. Because cotton, wool, silk, and other fabrics have complex components…
But plants have complex proteins and starches, too! And I KNOW for a fact that wizards don't know anything about atoms, much less think about the chemical composition of clay every time they make a teacup from a watch!
…This makes no sense. Like everything else. But mainly this. Why is there a stupid rule against FOOD of all things? We actually NEED food to survive! And why is it that you can't CREATE food, but you can INCREASE food?
It totally goes against the laws of physics! Physics works the other way around!
You can change matter and energy into different forms, just not create or destroy any. So why is it that you can just make more food appear, but you can't make food from something else? How is it that plants can grow in nature, and we can make a flower appear but not a carrot?
There's got to be a rule. Something that we're missing.
At least we know that I don't need to know the name of a spell to make it happen. I could get away with anything just by pointing out that I'm a first-year from a Muggle background and would have had no way to learn it!
Wait. Perform Wingardium Leviosa again. Normally. As in, use the actual spell.
Tom halted the tap-dancing book and started making it float around.
Now go and…make your blankets tie themselves into knots. Using willpower only.
Tom did so, not quite sure what Jerry was up to.
Now make your bed again.
After a little bit of concentration, Tom's sheets were lying as flatly and pristinely as they were before.
Now…banish that book across the room and then summon it back again. No spells.
There wasn't a spell in the first-year curriculum for summoning and banishing – Tom was sure that a simple action like this would probably have a well-used spell, but it wouldn't be taught until at least fourth year, according to the Educational Standards that had been included in the law registry.
Nonetheless, even without any knowledge of how banishing or summoning should work, Tom still quite effortlessly completed the assigned tasks.
It was all about wanting something to happen, and even if he hadn't mastered this particular skill years ago, it wouldn't be difficult anyway. There was no selfish bastard in the world more selfish than Tom Marvolo Riddle.
And Jerry, too, he supposed, since he was agreeing to all this in the first place.
Now say Priori Incantatem. It reveals the last few spells your wand performed.
"Priori Incantatem," Tom said, sounding quite foolish, and watched as his wand regurgitated the Hover Charm that he used on the book, and, before that, a few of the spells Tom had been practicing from the textbooks.
Whoa. Holy crap. Holy mother of Jesus…
What are you so excited about? What was the point of all that?
Don't you see it? This spell is THE number one tool used by law enforcement! But your little "willpower" exercises – the spells that you never had any names or incantations for…
…they don't show up.
Wait.
They don't show up.
They don't show up!
THEY. DON'T. SHOW. UP!
EXACTLY!
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