Chapter 6: The Sorting Problem
After all, if the Muggle ones were bad, just how skewed were the wizards? The wizarding population was very small – whereas one could fine hundreds of different historians arguing on one topic at a single university in London, there might be only one or two guys dictating the whole thing in Magical Britain.
Tom took everything he read with a barrel of salt.
Thankfully, it turned out to me much more entertaining in a good way than the law book and the other first-year history text was in a bad way, which was something.
Apparently not all wizards (or witch, since the author was one Bathilda Bagshot) were completely incompetent.
There were, however, still a few issues. It was no fault of the author, but Tom (mostly due to Jerry's rather overly logical interjections) was constantly questioning the so-called traditions of these wizards.
Not that he was going to scream it aloud where everyone could hear him. He knew quite well how touchy people could get about foreigners insulting their culture, regardless of how right or reasonable said foreigner was.
Even now, there were certain cultures that still actively condoned sex-selective infanticide, among other things.
Weird…so they sort kids here according to personality? Tom asked as he read. How do they even know this? Do they even know what psychologists or personality tests are? Or do they read our minds?
There's this magic hat that they put on your head, and then it shouts out for the world to hear if you're a loudmouthed idiot, a boring nerd, a lying cheater, or a pushover who will never get anywhere in life.
…Are you serious?
I was serious about the wizards, wasn't I?
Wait, so does this hat read your mind?
I guess…
How are we supposed to get out of this one?
We don't. But luckily, there's confidentiality involved. The hat's not allowed to tell anyone about anything it saw in your head.
Are you sure? How do you know?
Because things. And wizards don't make sense.
How are you being so calm about this? You were completely freaking about about Dumbledore being able to read our minds before!
Yeah…well…it's even more suspicious declining to be Sorted, right?
I suppose so. But if that hat thing DOES blab, how are we going to pass this off?
Cry. Cry deeply.
I'm being serious!
You really think they'll believe that a crying kid is going to become a Dark Lord one day?
Genghis Khan probably cried as a kid, too.
Logical wizards is an oxymoron, Tom. Remember that.
What about Dumbledore? Will he believe the hat?
If worst comes to worst, just pretend to have a change of heart. People can change between the ages of eleven and seventeen.
…Fine.
Anyway, now that you know what all the Houses represent, which House do you want to be doomed to for the next seven years of your life?
What, you get to choose? I thought it was like the wands.
Yeah, well, apparently the Hat takes your choice into account. Apparently, everyone's smart enough to determine their fate for the rest of their lives by choice alone.
At age eleven.
Wizards are stupid; have I mentioned that?
I like Slytherin, but you said that was the house of lying cheaters, so would that hurt our chances in lying low? Maybe I could throw everyone off by being sorted into Gryffindor.
Maybe. You want a house that would optimize your recruiting potential. You will need plenty of accomplices to get this whole "World Domination" thing up to speed.
At this point in time, the Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry is probably not that strong, but it's still there. You'd have better luck in the middle ground houses. The centrist political strategy and all that.
Yeah, well, Hufflepuffs aren't taken too seriously, are they? So that just leaves Ravenclaw. The house of the smart kids. I can live with that.
There are actually plenty of respectable Ravenclaws. Not all of them are completely boring.
Did you plan for me to choose Ravenclaw?
Well, it's not like there's any other House that will allow you to maximize your recruitment potential. If you're going to have minions, you should get smart ones. Ravenclaw's the best House to start.
What about Slytherin? Cunning and ambition have to count for something, right? The fact that they have two different houses for "intelligent" and "clever" mean that there has to be a visible difference.
Slytherin…eh. I guess once upon a time, that was true. Now the whole value system has been oversimplified and bastardized.
How so?
Well, in Slytherin House, half of it's true cunning, and then the other half is a bunch of spoiled brats sitting on their parents' fortunes.
Let me guess…they only got into Slytherin because they "chose" that House at the urging of their parents or grandparents who truly deserved to go there.
Pretty much.
But Evil Overlords need dumb mooks, too, don't they?
You never actively recruit dumb mooks yourself. None of the dirty work should be traced back to you. Ever.
Ah, the chain of command. I see.
Exactly. Find yourself a few people who are smart, and, if not trustworthy, then at least not smart enough to fool you, to deal with directly. It'll be too hard to keep track of thousands of minions and wondering just which one is going to betray you.
Let me guess: preferably people who you can also fool to think that they are the ones controlling you when in fact it is the other way around?
Mind control always helps, too.
But never mind control them directly, right? You have to mind control someone to mind control someone else in a massive chain – no, a massive complicated web – and have them wipe their own memories afterwards so that no one can ever trace it back to you.
And while we're on that topic, why don't we gain control of the underworld black market while we're at it?
You know me too well.
Tom turned the page and continued to read. All citation failures aside, Bathilda Bagshot truly was a pleasant surprise compared to the rest of wizarding authors, considering that she wasn't afraid to mention multiple versions of the same story and give equal credence to each. It wasn't long, though, before he had questions again.
Hey…it says here that Salazar Slytherin can speak to snakes.
So it does.
And it says that his gift is hereditary.
So it is.
And all of his direct descendants are Parselmouths.
So they are.
...
HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? THAT COMPLETELY DEFIES GENETICS! EVEN IF IT WAS A COMPLETELY DOMINANT GENE AND THE SLYTHERIN LINE INBRED LIKE CRAZY THERE SHOULD STILL BE PEOPLE WHO GET BOTH RECESSIVE TRAITS!
WHAT THE HELL! DOES MAGIC SIMPLY EXIST TO MAKE GREGOR MENDEL CRY–
Interesting.
What?
I would have thought you would have drawn the conclusion that since you can speak to snakes as well, you must be a descendant of Salazar Slytherin, too. That fact that you're more concerned about the genetic implications seems to be –
Because we both already know that! You're not stupid; we both came to the same conclusion. To say so again would be redundant.
Oh. I see.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that it was my mother who was the magical one, because who else but a witch would have a father named "Marvolo"? Speaking of magical relatives, I wonder if they're still alive. I mean, it's not every day a witch dies in a Muggle orphanage, right?
…Trust me. You're better off in this orphanage than with your magical relatives.
Why?
Well…you remember that comment you made earlier about inbreeding?
...Oh, god.
Yeah.
Okay.
Mmm-hmmm...
How bad is it?
Let's just say that they made the Hapsburgs look completely normal.
Mentally or physically?
…Both.
That's…
...Yeah.
Wait – so why am I not a deformed hemophiliac or whatever?
Well, your father was a Muggle. Fresh genes and all that.
This makes no sense. One generation of fresh genes can't do THAT much…can it?
Magic!
Oh, come on. Surely you must be exaggerating their excessive faults…
The Hapsburgs inbred for a few generations during the Holy Roman Empire era. The Slytherins have been inbreeding since the 900s when Hogwarts was founded.
Yikes.
One day we might go visit your relatives.
I'm guessing it's not for a very philanthropic cause.
Our dream is to become a Dark Lord. Since when were we philanthropists?
Oh, I don't know. That Machiavelli book you made me read talked about being nice and merciful when you could use it to your advantage…
Still makes you a selfish bastard.
Well, THEY don't need to know, do they? I'm sure idiots always have some use. After all, what is family for except eliminating your competition to the throne?
Sniff sniff
What's wrong?
Nothing…I'm just so…I'm just so…
You're so…what? Are you all right? You're not going to go insane on me, are you? Jerry, are you all right –
I'M JUST SO HAPPY! I KNEW I raised you right!
Oh, for the love of –
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