"KAITOOOOO!" A old "plump" woman, who appeared to be in her fourties', was seen chasing a handsome young man furiously, as she screamed as if he had just stolen her baby.
"Calm down gorlock!! You're causing earthquakes!" The young man with neck length raven hair and purple eyes said mockingly as he continued fleeing.
So, how did our self proclaimed "handsome protagonist" end up being chased by a temu lizzo? The story begins only a few minutes earlier...
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Japan, Tokyo
November 1st, 2025
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Kaito strolled down the street, his attention fully drawn in by his phone. His thumbs flew across the screen, firing off messages to a random girl he'd matched with on Tinder. This fling had been going on for a few weeks—a respectable length of time for him.
It had begun precisely twenty-four hours after his last breakup, his ninety-ninth, which had been finalized the moment he'd asked his previous girlfriend if he could get a "quick" peek at her panties.
He truly couldn't understand it. Why did every woman he met seem to despise him after a single date? It couldn't be his looks—his face literally looked like an angels. Was it his personality that gave them the "ick"?
...Okay, probably. But he was handsome. Surely that was a fair trade? A bad personality in exchange for a breathtakingly handsome man seemed like a more than fair deal to him. At least, in his own mind, the math checked out.
Even after ninety-nine beatings and breakups, he had learned precisely nothing. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He had learned one thing: if you fuck around, you find out. Literally. The last time he'd asked a girlfriend for her sister's number, he'd found out what it felt like to be used as a human punching bag by her entire kickboxing team.
Anyway, getting back on track, he was currently on his way to meet the Tinder girl—who he desperately hoped wasn't a 40-year-old Discord mod in disguise. He just prayed she looked like her profile picture and he wasn't about to get catfished by some old, fat, Humpty Dumpty-looking ass bastard with a hairline that went to infinity and beyond.
"Ugghhhh." Just the thought sent a shiver down his spine.
Kaito had, unfortunately, encountered that particular breed of weirdo before. On more than one occasion, the "girl" of his dreams had turned out to be one of his bros pulling a prank due to an unpaid 5 bucks he owed but never gave.
Oh, how Kaito had made those bastards pay. He'd clapped them so hard in retaliation they could barely walk for a week.
No homo.
Lost in his thoughts, Kaito now found himself standing outside the designated meeting spot: a completely plain KFC restaurant. The girl had insisted it was her favorite place—a glaring red flag he had stupidly chosen to ignore.
'This could go one of three ways,' he thought, 'a new-gen Lizzo, a prime Nikocado Avocado, or a hot chick that'd make my willy wonka want some of her white chocolate'
The probabilities of it being a hot chick, a land whale, or a gamer dude living in his mom's basement felt perfectly even. Ultimately, the slim chance of success compelled him to take a leap of faith.
Just as he steeled his nerves, a shy, sweet voice called out from behind him.
"Ummm... are you perhaps Kaito?"
Kaito froze. 'Such a... such a nice voice! So it's true?!' Heart thudding from fear that it might be a dude with a really nice voice, he slowly, deliberately, turned around.
'Am I… am I really about to date a sweet, pretty girl that won't hit me? Maybe this time it'll finally last more than a month! Or maybe it's just that one guy from TikTok who can do girl voices!' Kaito's heart screamed internally.
Unnecessary flashbacks from his 99 previous failures began to dramatically replay in his mind, stretching this single, what should've been short moment into an irritatingly long one. He stood there, frozen in a pose of profound internal struggle, completely oblivious to the world.
The girl could only watch, a single, massive sweatdrop sliding down her temple at his bizarrely dramatic and silent display.
After what felt like hours, he finally completed his turn.
And there she was.
A slim, youthful woman who looked to be about twenty. She had vibrant pink hair tied into twin tails, striking red eyes, and a face so sweet and perfectly proportioned she looked like she'd stepped straight out of an anime.
JACKPOT!
The word exploded in his mind like a slot machine paying out. He'd scored! It wasn't that he hadn't dated pretty girls before—heck, some of his past girlfriends were arguably more beautiful. No, the thrill came from winning the gamble. The sheer, dopamine-fueled excitement of beating the 1/3 odds and discovering the profile picture was, in fact, a real, living, cute girl and not a catfishing disaster.
"Ummm, I'm Yumeko Hikari," the girl said shyly, offering a small smile. "Your… girlfriend?"
'Thank you… thank you, god!' Kaito silently wept with gratitude. He quickly stepped forward, a charming line already on his lips, when a sudden realization bitch-slapped him with the force of a freight train.
"W-wait. Yumeko Hikari? Wait a second—"
"KAITOOOOO!!"
A furious roar cut through the air. The woman from the beginning—the very same "round" one before the rewind—was storming towards them. She shoved past Kaito and shielded the startled Yumeko.
"KAITO KUROGANE!! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! TRYING TO GO AFTER MY DAUGHTER!!!" she screamed, her voice so powerful it rattled the KFC windows. A crowd instantly gathered, phones held aloft, recording the entire scene. Yumeko was too stunned to speak, shrinking under her mother's wrath.
"DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SHE'S ONLY 15?! I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, YOUNG MAN!! I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!!"
The word "FIFTEEN" sent a shockwave through the crowd. Kaito stood frozen, his brain short-circuiting. 'That little bitch told me she was twenty!'
"W-wait, Auntie, I can explain!" Kaito pleaded.
His words sent another, different kind of shockwave through the onlookers. While it wasn't technically illegal to, ahem, shaboink your cousin in Japan(and bro would certainly not mind that well if his cousin wasn't a minor of course)the newer generation—raised on Italian brainrot and "Steal a Brainrot" instead of family genealogy—had no idea. This did not help Kaito's situation.
So, you might be asking, how the hell did bro not recognize his own cousin?
Simple. Whenever his aunts and uncles came to visit, Kaito would magically vanish. He had zero interest in listening to them yap about how they'd held him when he was a baby or what a "cute little pervert" he'd been as a toddler.
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES!!! APOLOGIZE TO MY DAUGHTER RIGHT NOOOOOOW!!!!"
Her scream was so deafening Kaito could feel the spray of her spit from meters away. It was a biological attack.
Any semblance of guilt evaporated. "Naaaahhhhh, why the fuck should I apologize, you old hag!?" he shot back, his own temper flaring. "She's the one who lied to me! That bitch should be apologizing to me!"
It was no use. The old bulldozer wasn't having any of it.
"I! DON'T! CARE!!"
The moment the final syllable left her mouth, Kaito's fight-or-flight instinct chose FLIGHT. With a spectacular lack of dignity, he immediately pivoted and sprinted away like he was prime Usain Bolt, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust and poor life choices in his wake. The woman let out a final, guttural roar and gave chase, thus beginning the opening scene of our story.
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'Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! Fuck you, God! Why do you have to screw me over like this!?'
In stark contrast to his earlier gratitude, Kaito was now cursing the heavens from the bottom of his heart as he fled. He finally slowed to a jog as he reached the main road, chest heaving.
The moment his foot stepped onto that god-forsaken asphalt, a truck—a literal goddamn truck—spawned out of nowhere.
'Da fuck?' was Kaito's last coherent thought, his face a mask of pure, unadulterated surprise.
'A-am I getting isek—'
THWUMP-CRUNCH.
The truck slammed into him like there was no tomorrow. No dramatic flip, no graceful arc through the air. One moment he was there, and the next, he was a literal, bona fide human pancake. He probably deserved it.
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So how was the chapter? Please guys don't roast me I'm a novice at this. I'm truly sorry if there were any mistakes I'll try to get better as I keep writing. I would genuinely appreciate any feedback you give to me.
The next chapter is going to be in fgo now, I'll like post maybe 1 to 3 times a week for you all. Thanks for reading this noobs first books!