Knock on the door. I run from the bathroom, barely holding a towel on my head. There must be the delivery of what I've been waiting for an entire day. As I opened the door, I saw John with a carton bag, from which I could see the tops of whiskey bottles.
"Miss Charlotte, by Mr. Montrose's request, I am passing you this," he said, handing me a heavy bag with at least three bottles, while maintaining an absolutely nonchalant expression.
The instant relief of an addict who has found his source of happiness kicked in, and I tried my best to seem confused as to why I am getting passed an alcohol bottle. I wasn't entirely sure how much of my actual life John knows. He definitely signed many NDAs to work for Mr.Montrose; still, I didn't feel comfortable with him potentially knowing I am an underage drinker, secretly hiding it from his boss's son, and many more absurd things I do.
"Thank you. Did he mention anything else?" I asked him, hoping he had prepared something else for me as well.
"No. That is all. Have a good evening." John replied, and I closed the door, carefully bringing the bag onto the kitchen island.
I opened the first bottle that caught my eye and started chugging it down. Tears that were welling up for an entire day began to fill up my eyes, as my throat and stomach were slowly getting burned from strong alcohol. I stopped and looked at the bottle for a second, hoping my beaten-up sanity would scream inside of me and cause me to stop. It didn't, so I cleaned out half the bottle.
It is almost the middle of August, a time when I was supposed to be starting college and living an everyday life. I knew how much I fucked up with my life plans, as I unexpectedly developed real romantic feelings for Alexander, and each meeting with him felt like an oasis of happiness in my troubled life. As I was crying on the room's floor, grabbing my hair on the scalp and screaming from hopelessness, I blamed myself for having a heart. I blamed it for the ability to feel, to fall in love, and be obsessed over someone in my mind, making each hour without that person a misery. First, it was Riven, which felt so real that I almost destroyed my relationship with a stable, financially comfortable life. Now I am in love with the monster who nearly turned me into an addict, a lying whore, where, despite all the mental damage, he is the one I feel unjudged, accepted, and desired. He knows the most, and he is getting excited by knowing the facts I wish never were true.
Most importantly, he taught me everything in this adult life, and I feel attached to him partially because of that. I wanted, I craved Alexander Montrose more and more each day, while being weak to tell the truth to his son, as he is the one who loves me, when Alexander is the one I love. These aware thoughts were destroying me for half of the summer, so alcohol became officially my other side guy.
I am really a whore, a cheap, wimpy, doubtful, rush-seeking slut.
As I was almost a bottle down, sitting on the floor with smudged mascara on my eyes, I heard a knock. Did John pass me a gift from Alexander? Or is it a Riven?! I slowly and nervously stood up, as my body was already in a jelly state, making it hard for me to fast react and move normally. I walked like a pirate on a ship under stormy weather and opened the door, looking at the door's eye prior. I couldn't see clearly, but the blonde hair and hyperactive movements reminded me of Rita.
"Hello, best friend! Surprise!" she screamed to me as I opened the door, seconds before analysing how I looked. "What the actual fuck, Charlotte?" she said, her smile fading and excitement giving way to shock.
"Don't act like you didn't see a drunk person before!" I replied while barely standing still.
"Charlotte, how often do you drink?! What are you doing with yourself?" Rita quickly walked inside and locked the door, proceeding to put her stuff in the hallway while checking me up and down.
"You are surprised seeing me like this, don't you?! You have no idea what is going on in my life!" I started screaming at Rita, leaving her even more stunned.
"You never told me, if I knew something had happened, I would be here in a moment! You keep everything to yourself, and it kills you!" She raised her voice slightly, as she was not in "fight or flight" mode like me; she could control her emotions.
"Because you never called me, Rita! Since July, when you left me and moved in with your Phil, you literally disappeared! When Chester died, you were busy; when I cremated him, you were busy; when I tried cocaine, you were busy; when I fell in love with Riven's father, you were busy! Always busy with your bullshit, when before moving out, you had the same things going on, yet you always had time for us!"
"What did you just say? Cocaine?! In love with Alexander?!"
For the first time in my friendship with Rita, I saw a real disappointment in her eyes. She had no intention of joking or of scolding me sarcastically. Rita stared at me like a woman in a relationship that knew it was over.
I was angry at Rita for leaving me, as her relationship with Phil made her distant from us, and not seeing my best friend for over a month did a wretched thing to me. Having her as a roommate was my instrument to control things, control my bad habits, and my mental state. As I was left alone, I dived into darkness. When I was facing confusion or going through even worse life experiences, she was not here. My life support, the only friend who was also a savior when I just left home, was gone and nowhere to be seen until today.
"How dare you show up right now?! Where were you when I needed you!" I couldn't control my emotions any longer, and to screaming I added crying, making my speech sound atrocious.
"Oh, you can't just blame me for everything you did yourself! It is your responsibility to stand up for your own shit hills you made, not mine!" Rita got furious at me as she started raising her voice even more. "When I was offering you genuine help, giving real-life advice, you flushed them in the toilet and kept doing what you thought was right!" She walked over to the kitchen and saw the damage I did to Jack Daniel's whiskey.
"I am in this mess because of you! You slowly got into my trust and recruited me into sex worker life! You had a plan and you used me for it! I would never choose this life, but you forced me to, and without proper lead, I got lost! Do you remember when he almost xxx me on the first night at the hotel, making me bleed and cry after?! You said never say this word out loud because he might love it rough! What kind of real-life advice is that, Rita?!"
Rita was holding an empty bottle in her hand, thinking about how I managed to take it all down, while she heard my response to her careless words. She dropped the bottle onto the marble kitchen floor, breaking it into an endless number of tiny pieces. "Would it matter if I said the other thing?! You just confessed you are in love with this pedophile rapist perverted motherfucker! You just said it out loud, Charlotte! You can't blame me for your ruined life when you are detonating everything!" Rita didn't stop there; she got another two unopened bottles and threw them on the floor as well, making my kitchen a perfect place for a fire. "I was amazed at how responsible you are, how controlling you are! You taught me these things despite being younger! But I can't recognise you anymore!"
As I saw how Rita made a mess, as she stood in a puddle of whiskey and sharp glass pieces, all I was capable of was to keep sitting on the floor where I fell and just watch our friendship burn.
"Do you remember you said you are scared to be like your addicted mother?! Well, guess what, I haven't seen her, and thank god, because I am looking at the one right now! You are just like your mother, if not worse, because I am scared to even think what you are doing with cocaine!"
"I am so terrible and redirected my life to go downhill, why am I rich and have both men, where both of them would fight for me, and you are running like a puppy for an old dude who kicked you a few years ago, and after his wife got over him, he ran back to you, huh?!"
"So you want to talk about our men now? You want to compete over who is more of a keeper here? My relationship with Phil was tested over time, unlike you and your Montroses, where you jump from one dick to another and haven't even been half a year! You can flex the money that you earned by snorting cocaine and getting fucked everywhere by Alexander, and it will never make you a self-worth woman! Never! " Rita fought back with a reasonable argument, yet she is the one with a stone heart, so I let those words fly into one ear and come out of another.
"Oh, look at her, the woman who knows her self-worth! I met you at the red light. Do you recall that? Even if I am not looking decent in your eyes right now, first of all, you were not welcome today, and second, just admit you are the lover girl who is trying to play a cold cat woman! You have the deepest soul hole that you try to fix with rsging shpping addiction, while I am just confused about who I truly love! We all have troubles with bad habits, and how you are seeing me doesn't make me a sinful person!" as I finished screaming back at her, my nervous system got done with self-defending and broke into hysterical crying.
"Charlotte, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings in the first place when I walked in today. You just shocked me with how awful you look. You need to consider getting help, and it is surely not from me..." Her voice suddenly changed from assertive to soft and slightly slow, as she was trying to give me time to process her words.
Rita wanted to come to me and sit on the floor by my side, but I couldn't stand her presence in my apartment anymore. "Get out! Now! Go and live your soapy, happy, romantic life with Phil! Go and cook him a fucking meal, but don't come here anymore!" I screamed to her through the constant tearfall.
Rita tried to calm me down and even attempted to give me a hug. I denied all and insisted that she must leave, stating that as soon as she closed the door, our friendship would be over.
I reached for my phone and, through the blur, dialed Alexander.
"Why the fuck are you calling me now? I am home with my wife!" he answered the phone call, which sounded like he was standing outside the house, as I heard the wind.
"I need you now..." I mumbled through tears.
"Are you drunk?!"
"Yes, thanks for Jack! Will you come over now?"
"For fucks sake, Charlotte..."
"I am Lotta!" my drunk voice interrupted him.
"It doesn't fucking matter! You can't call me at this time of the day, I am with family! How much did you drink?!"
"Enough to be brave to call you and invite you to sleep with me...!"
"I can't be constantly leaving home in my non-work time, you should understand with your fucking brain!" Alexander started to get impatient with me, while still keeping the call active. He knew I would beg him to come over.
"I need you right now, Mr.Montrose! Do something...lie, you always do that! I am sure you can leave home for a few hours!" I murmured into the phone speaker.
"You know I can't say no to your sweet body...fine! I'll be there shortly," he ended the call, not hearing me giving him kisses through the phone.
Alexander reached my place within an hour, even though his home is far from the rental I live in. I met him absolutely drunk, and he gave me that seductive, dark, and intense love right in the hallway. I was screaming so loud that my neighbors reported me to the building management the next morning. It was a sense of shame mixed with pride, for some reason. I couldn't remember much of the process, but I remember the emotions I had.
I spent the next few weeks focusing on Riven, taking a slight but confident break from alcohol, as I couldn't afford such a thing with him. I was living off the fact that he is the only person who loves me unconditionally, who demands nothing from me, who will never touch me unless I give him permission twice. I enjoyed this feeling, yet I craved this type of affection from Alexander, imagining him while having seldom sexual connection with Riven.
Right in the first week of September, he asked me again if I was ready to move in, and I said, "I need more time," even though in my head I was strongly denying it. This question caused me to break apart once again, as I needed to take real action and move our relationship closer to the next level. I wish this question had come from Alexander instead. Still, his obsession with reputation and self-image would never let him end his marriage.
It started to eat me slowly every time I got closer to him after a deep, high in all definition of this word, animalistic sex. I tried to take breaks from seeing him and dedicate myself to Riven, but it didn't work. If I were still close to Rita, now she would definitely say something like "You are addicted to him because he fucks you raw!", which does give a difference in feelings down there.
Early Autumn in New York is a beautiful time. Instead of enjoying the weather or doing wholesome activities, I spent it between three places: my home, Riven's home, and any place Alexander arranged to meet me.
This day I remember vividly, as it was a day when Riven and I had our first fight. Riven was always the one who would initiate all dates and plan date activities. Frankly, I lost interest in those things quickly. Walking in Central Park is boring, and having a picnic under the sun makes me nauseated and uncomfortable from an endless number of tiny bugs. Cart racing is his favourite hobby, and I found it interesting when I was head-over-heels in love with him and his personality. Nevertheless, it is now on my block list.
"What would you like to do today?" he asked me, while finishing some of his work in the home office.
I rolled my eyes, as this question annoys me. "Why do we always have to do something?! Can we just stay home?"
He walked out of the room and looked at me, "I thought you loved to go on dates with me?"
"Riven, I do, but you always try to drag me outside the house like this, this is what all couples only do!"
"Then what, you prefer to stay in and do nothing? Today is perfect weather, a great season to go out of New York's central area and enjoy nature...I want to show you so much, to gain experience! We can always stay home later, trust me!"
"How many times did you hear from me that I want to go somewhere?! You always plan things how you want, how you think is "right", but have you ever asked me what I want?" My temper was on edge, and I started to raise my voice at Riven, while he remained calm as a lotus flower.
"You always seemed to be excited for everything I planned out, so I never questioned that your behavior had a double meaning." He walked over to me while I was lying on his couch, browsing webpages on my phone.
"Charlotte, I reduced my work hours for you to spend more time together..." he said softly, placing his hand in my hair.
"...And I never asked you to do so either!" I got up from the couch and looked over at him, showing clear signs of anger. "In our relationship, you never ask me what I think, what I want; all decisions come from your mind! I don't mind you working and pursuing your company's success!"
He looked absolutely shocked; his mouth was slightly open, but he couldn't say a thing. He kept staring at me as I kept complaining that what he was doing was wrong, when in reality, I was just burned out by his enthusiasm. I felt a desire to build a future with me, while I had no clue what to do with it. I didn't want to end it, but the idea of life with him, when I am constantly thinking about his father, terrified me.
"Okay, Charlotte, please take a pause! What do you want? Since you mentioned I am not caring about your opinion, please share yours right now." his voice started to sound down; he never expected our ideal relationship to have such a huge crack underneath.
I didn't know what to answer. I knew what to answer myself, and this response would hurt him. "Riven, I don't think we should see each other so often for a moment. I am not ready to move in because we are moving too fast. I am bedazzled by things in my life, and I need a moment to think. Please do not take that personally. This is my first relationship, and I am beyond overwhelmed with what you are doing to me. I see that you love me and..."
"Do you love me back, Charlotte? Is it mutual?" He looked lost, as my mumbling about how I need a break sounded absurd. I knew it, too, but creating a forced distance was much needed for me right now.
"I...Riven....I am..."
"What happened to us, Charlotte? Please tell me what I do wrong?!" he went down on his knees and grabbed my hands, creating eye contact I couldn't resist. He is an angel in my life, and I am secretly trading him to a demon.
"Riven, why are you begging me right now?"
"If I lose you, it will be my biggest loss in life! I don't care about my business, I don't care about anything else as much as I care about you! Charlotte, if I am being too pushy for you - just tell me! We can grow our relationship organically..."
I wanted him to shut up, so I leaned over to his face and started kissing him with the same passion I was kissing Alexander. I could feel that his lips were cold and tender from stress, but he didn't stop me from finishing our deep talk. Deep talk quickly escalated to deep, sensual sex.
Riven's apartment always has music on, and it's often random Spotify jam stations. The moment I was on top, controlling the speed of his controller, I heard the song in the background :
i lied by Cheyanne
"Loving me put you in a trance, trance, trance
The same eyes that cry for you
They lie to you, they lie to you
You're not mine, I lied
You're not mine, I lied."
This song made me emotional, bringing me to the edge of crying. I was looking at the Riven, how he was releasing his real emotions, truly dissolving his body and soul in lovemaking with me, while I was not there.
I can't even remember the moment I lost myself in this relationship, whether it was the day his father found out or when he started sexually abusing me or...When I started enjoying it.
After he finished, we lay down on the bed for a moment, after which I silently started to get ready to leave home.
"Riven, I want you to just give me time. The problem is with me, and I can't share that with you...Please understand, or at least accept it." I told him, while checking my phone notifications, that Alexander had asked me if I was interested in doing a "cocaine getaway" at the Hamptons. I knew where I was heading after this, but first I needed to make sure Riven and I were on the same page.
"I don't fully understand you, but I accept and respect it. I will always be near, anytime. I love you," he replied while looking at me, still recovering from the sex we had.
I gave him a little smile and left his apartment. The next thing I remember, I was driving to the Hamptons with a petite carry-on luggage full of sensual lingerie, feeling excited to meet Alexander. It was not about having sex under the influence of cocaine; it was more of another chance to mask my desire to be close to him with a duty meeting. The more I had him, the more I craved, realising how stupid I was when I hesitated to try him out when we just signed a deal.
We spent the best time there, not leaving the house but enjoying nature, the exact nature Riven was talking about, from the window view. Alexander and I never talked about whether I developed feelings for him or if he genuinely feels more than just a sexual attraction to me. I wanted to tell him badly, but was scared to hear that I am just his favourite sex toy, so I snorted my thoughts away with a powder he brought.
I arrived back home days later and decided to check on Riven. Near my door, I saw a half-dead flower bouquet full of white roses. The same roses Riven gifted me on my birthday. I knew the flowers were from him, as only he knew how much I love white roses.
I called him immediately, and he replied back with a second like he was waiting for my call. Hearing his voice sounded restorative after our last argument. He asked me if I had received the flowers, and my eyes started to water. I tried my best not to cry so he wouldn't think something was wrong by replying that I really like them and saying thank you.
"Whenever you are ready to meet....I am always here, Charlotte," he said and ended the call.
I brought the flowers inside my apartment and officially, entirely broke down in tears. This entire time while I was having fun with Alexander, not even thinking ig Riven, he delivered flowers to me, and not just a random flower, but the ones I adore.
My guilt towards him returned stronger than ever, and punched me right in the face. I rushed to my closet and took out his birthday gift, the handmade book filled with his letters to me. I sat on the floor, opened the book I had never read, and started reading it while crying so hard that tears ran down the pages.
"...The moment I saw you standing near my office building, you were like the second sun, shining bright sunset colours on the concrete of New York...."
"I never got so nervous around someone, but I saw something exceptionally unique and fragile inside you...I wasn't sure if I was worth it to even touch you."
"...first kiss with you felt like a space trip on a rocketship. The speed my heart raced was faster than I ever did in a sports car; it was a memory I will always keep securely inside my brain..."
"I don't know the future or where life will take us, but I will do my best to make sure I make you happy and shine bright every day, just like that evening we met for the first time..."
His letters made me hysterical, as when I read them, I dived into those moments, feeling everything I had with him as if it were now. Every sentence, every word, every comma he wrote made my heart ache from the mess I made for us. He is living in a dulisuon, and I don't deserve him.
I poured myself a glass of my favourite wine, the exact wine Rita loved to drink, and spent a whole night re-reading his love letters, screaming, sodding, and crying in between each one.