"Where did you get all the money?" asked Ashley, the woman who is calling herself my mother.
After Chester's death, I made a payment directly to the hospital on the next day, as I didn't want to keep a heavy anchor on me. I felt, and still feel, a sense of guilt for my younger brother, who will be forever 16. Of course, Ashley eventually found out about her son, approximately a few days later, when she partially recovered from her booze overdose. She rushed to the hospital where Chester was no longer at, and upon her investigation, she found out that the bills were fully paid by her daughter.
I made a decision to cremate his body, as I never found a way to bury him underground as a humane way. He surely wanted to be freed by turning into ashes rather than being eaten by insects, slowly becoming rotten flesh. To arrange the private ceremony for Chester's funeral, I contacted Ashley, and we agreed to meet to honour him and place his remains in the columbarium. I begged her to come sober for once, feeling on the edge of getting drunk myself. The thought of me having the strongest mom's DNA was making me sick, but I couldn't stop.
When we were standing near the memory wall, she asked me a question that had been worrying her brain for the past few days. She was losing her mind trying to know where I got the money.
"It is confidential information," I replied to her, breaking a long silence almost since the moment we met in front of the cemetery.
She smirked, coughed heavily, and started laughing. "Stop the bullshit! We are poor, and suddenly you pay 100 thousand for your brother's medical bill?!"
The way she doubted me my entire life always made me furious; however, now I have no answer to her question, and my mind was not in the right state to improvise.
"Who are 'we'? I have a job, unlike you, who is living off the government support..." I turned away and started walking towards the cemetery exit.
She screamed back at me, "Are you a whore?" making it loud enough for every ghost to hear, not to mention other visitors of this place.
I stopped and walked back to her while looking around to see if someone had heard her and was looking at me. My hand was on fire and ready to slap her on the face, but I resisted only for the honour of Chester. He wouldn't like us to see a fight, but he would definitely understand.
"Are you out of your mind?! We are in a public place. Why are you screaming such nonsense?! If I have a well-paid job, does that mean I am a whore?! That's what you think of me?" I grabbed her by the upper arm and started dragging her away from the cemetery.
"Don't get me wrong, Charlotte. I am not a mathematician, but if you really made over 100,000 in three months...Our family never stands out with brains, so maybe working with the other part is the way to succeed!' She kept talking about a discomforting absurdity, and despite her brain cells being almost dead, she understood that math was not adding up.
I had to lie to her too, adding my mom to the list of people I had to fool. Even though she is nothing but evil to me, she didn't deserve to speculate that her daughter was involved in prostitution. I could take my time and lie even more, spiraling into the fairytale that I have a debt to pay off, that my boss "borrowed me" this amount, or that my boyfriend is rich and decided to help. Every alternative to "I have a job" could sound better. Nonetheless, I started to get tired of lying, especially when it wasn't in my best interest. Ashley is allowed to think whatever she wants of me; her words hurt me a little, but it is not the first time we have had a "deep conversation".
"Charlotte, since you have your job, do you mind sharing some of the money with your mother?" She looked at me upon separating our ways for an unknown time.
I saw in her eyes what she is asking for, as finding out I have money is no longer seen as judgmental but as profitable for her. There were times I thought about paying for her admission to rehab, but as soon as she makes me mad again, I lose my kindness to pay for her help.
"For you-never. Do you remember how you used to spend all the government money on your friends to support your addiction?! We spent weeks without a regular meal, while you were God knows where! You should accept that your husband is long gone; it is not an excuse to get wasted every single day for over a decade, mom!"
"Live my life and you will shut the fuck up! I could kill myself and leave you and your brother in foster care, but see, I am still here and still alive. Might not be the best mother for you, but I never disappeared or abandoned you!" she started screaming at me, making a scene to watch for any passing car or pedestrian.
"You'd better do! You'd better just send us to foster, at least we would be better taken care of, and Chester would not be dead now! Now you have all the money for yourself, so enjoy!" I shouted back at her and started distancing myself from this insane woman.
I caught the first taxi I saw and hopped in, telling the driver the address of Riven's place. Seeing Ashley was a challenge because I never knew what words would come out of her mouth. If my money source is so evident to a barely thinking person that I do sex work, what do other people think when they see a young girl splurging on an expensive purchase?
Suddenly, I caught intense flashbacks of my shopping sprees with Rita and on my own, where I would visit the same design store twice a week. I still do that, but less often, as I am usually spending time with Riven or drinking my thoughts away in my apartment. The first big purchase looped me into denial: "I am not like the other girls, I don't need to spend money on material things!" Yet I kept coming back for more. The blame is partially on Alexander, as he kept covering me with expensive gifts in addition to an allowance. Rita also took a significant part in that, as she is a perfect example of a shopping addict. I knew I was an easily influenced person, especially by those who surround me, and still, I reminisce about the moments when my new life was less harmful than it is now.
I missed the times when my biggest problem was how to confidently walk on Rita's heels, or how to relax during sex with Mr.Montrose, or even where to spend allowance money...Life seemed great, and on top of a generous sponsor, I had a secret "teenage dream" romance with all the promise for the future. Where did I lose it all? When was the turning point to the wrong direction? How did I manage to change the dynamics of every relationship I have?!
Driving back from the cemetery gave me a heavy list of terrifying insights about myself. Who I was running away from, who I shamed and judged months ago, is a person I would give my all to go back to right now. I lost all the chances to become the Lotta I want; instead, I am the Lotta I wish I never knew. Seeing my mother was frankly like seeing who I will become if I don't take sober, sane actions.
I reached Riven's apartment, to which he had given me keys prior, and turned on his non-work-related laptop. My soul-beating self-reflection in the car motivated me to check which universities I could still apply to. The hopes shattered fast as I compared my average grade to my final grades for each subject and realized I was only eligible for janitorial work. All of the hard work I had put into myself for an entire teenage year was thrown away within weeks of sex work. I wanted to cry, as I yet one more time got smacked by the realisation of how much I fucked up. My pre-escrot life was really long gone, and I never kept this thought close enough in my brain...
Riven is supposed to be back from work in a few hours, so I had enough time to message my "happiness provider":
-Are you free now?
-I am at a business meeting.
-I am turned on really bad...
-I can't do it now, enjoy time with my son. He can help you lol.
Lol? Alexander really thinks it is cool to type like a young generation when he is approaching his grandpa years?
-I want powder and you. Now.
-Ha! You nasty slut
-Okay, meet me at the 4 seasons. I won't be late.
-deal..
I turned off the laptop and quickly left Riven's place, as I was never there today. For an occasion like this, I dialed John and told him to pick me up, and he was right in front of me in less than 15 minutes. As I arrived, the hotel's staff welcomed me and escorted me to the room. I was eager to meet him, as I needed that rush, that sense of high vibration in my body. Unlike with Riven, I admitted to myself that only with his father I can open my darkest side and desires, and he will never judge me. This type of realisation started sending me messages that I might like Alexander too, but in a different way than Riven. With one, I was getting all kinds of fast-receiving types of dopamine and adrenaline, while with the other, I was under serotonin.
This started to get confusing for me, as the person making my life worse was the source of the best dopamine and adrenaline rush I've ever had. I started to become addicted to those feels, and most importantly, addicted to him.
Alexander met me in between his meetings, bringing a freshly sealed pack of cocaine and a few cigars, which I tried later on. We finished all the powder before the fun even started. I was laughing, screaming, and genuinely separating this moment from the rest of my life. Short meetings with him turned into an oasis of pleasure and euphoria. I couldn't deny it any longer, as with Riven, everything started to get boring.
While I was finishing my deal in the steamy hot shower with Alexander, I heard the phone buzzing. It was my phone, and I knew who was calling me. I pushed Aleander without a strong desire, as I would love it to continue, and left the shower room to answer the call. The air-conditioned room felt extremely cold after making out in a sizzling shower, so I started having shakes. Without a towel or bathrobe, I rushed to pick up the call, now fearing I'd be busted by Riven.
"Hi!" I said with an uplifting voice.
"Charlotte, hi. Are you home right now?" he replied while I could hear car sounds in the background, which means he is driving.
"My home or your home, you mean?"
"Ha-ha, we should consider making home a one place for both of us, as it is confusing, right?"
Riven almost said it straightforward to me - he wants to live together. My heart started beating faster, as I am not ready for this move at all, and not to mention his father, who will not let go this fast!
As I was trying to switch up the topic and laugh it off, Alexander came up from behind and whispered to set the phone to speaker so we could both listen to Riven.
"Where are you now, by the way? I thought you told me you would be at my place at noon?" asked Riven.
"I...I am with Rita! We are at her place, having a girl talk and drinking coffee!" I replied slightly nervously.
Alexander couldn't wait to finish what we started, and he went down on me, slowly, almost quietly kissing me between my thighs. I started breathing heavier, as every touch, every kiss under the snow effect feels much stronger. If I usually would not get turned on by a simple neck kiss, after snorting one line, I can get pre-orgasmic with it. Alexander knew it, and he wanted to show control over me, shamefully kicking his son off the radar of my interest. I couldn't say stop to him, as I was on the speaker with Riven, so all I could do was to end the call as casually as possible and try to resist the moan.
"Isn't Rita travelling now?" he asked, since his memory is sharp enough to remember how I brag about being needy for my best friend.
"No! She is back already and saying hi to you right now!"
"Okay. I will be home soon. Let me know when I can pick you up from her, you and I could have dinner together?"
Alexander's tongue movements started to become unbearable to resist, and I needed to end the call fast.
"Sure....I will text you back! Love you!"
"I love you more!" replied Riven while I had a millisecond before exploding, releasing a loud moan. Likely, the call ended right before I resumed my sexual games with Alexander.
After we were done, Mr. Montrose told me that my allowance would be passed to me by John, as in old times, setting me on the path to financial recovery after paying the hospital bills. I thanked him and asked when we could meet again, giving a clear statement that I am hooked on cocaine and its effects.
"I have a trip with my wife next week, so we can't meet. But after I get back, I will send you on your best sex-trip ever," he said while squizzing my buttcheecks as we were resting after the intense second round.
"I don't want to become addicted, but these sensations and feelings I get are so comforting...how do you manage to live life knowing you can do it anytime?" I asked him, while reaching for the cigar he brought, lighting up like an aromatic candle and inhaling the strong tobacco into my lungs.
"It comes with practice and crazy periods of life when you get lost in it, that's all. I was just like you when I started trying, but I never had that high anymore like in my younger years..."
"I would never tell by looking at you that you did it, actually..." I replied, looking into his eyes, and passed him the burning cigar.
"Because I am smart and I know limits, unlike you, young lady!" Alexander smacked my buttcheek and started to get ready.
I watch him finish smoking, take a shower, and get dressed. I watched how precise he is with his look, how tidy he brushes his hair back, how he checks his teeth in the mirror, and how he does double mouthwashing. His attitude, actions, and arrogant behaviour started to look not that bad to me. Slowly but surely, I hated him less for his ultimatum, for his rough actions in bed, for his jokes about how dirty I am. Whether it is the post cocaine "clarity" or true sympathy, I started to develop something for Alexander Montrose.
"Can you bring that Jack instead of powder next time, what do you think? I liked that whiskey so much, I still remember the taste in my mouth..." I said with a slight "pornstar voice" to him, waiting for his reaction.
"I can ask John to pass you a few bottles, you can introduce yourself to a real great alcohol. But don't overdo it! If I catch you wasted - I will punish you really hard!" he replied with a strict demand, while walking to me and giving me a luscious kiss before leaving.
He smirked, as it is his most common expression, and left the hotel room, leaving me alone with an unsatisfied hunger for Riven's father. I put my clothes back, put my hair in a ponytail, and left the room too, heading back to Riven's place without notifying him to pick me up from Rita's.
I spent today thinking about loss. As John drove me back to my supposed to be real lover, I was not experiencing a feeling of excitement to see him, talk to him, or touch him. I didn't mind that for sure, as I do have a strong attraction towards Riven, yet something in my brain switched.
I was so afraid of losing him that I joined the game with his father. Fast forward, I am catching feelings for Alexander, losing the main point of this twisted love triangle.
Did I lose anything? Am I losing? Is this even a game anymore?
"Miss Charlotte, we have arrived. Have a good evening," said John, bringing me back to reality as we arrived at the underground parking of Riven's apartment.
I thanked my driver and hopped out of the car, slowly walking towards the elevator. I stopped before the elevator door and gave a few deep breaths, checked myself through the phone's front camera, and popped two mint gums, just in case.
Riven met me like a golden retriever, hugging and kissing me as soon as he saw me walk out of the elevator.
"Why didn't you tell me to pick you up?!" he lifted my whole body up, holding me with his strong, toned arms just by my waist.
"It is a surprise...I wanted to see what you are doing here without me!"
I replied and started giggling as he spun me around while holding my waist tightly.
"I am sitting here and dying from boredom without the best girlfriend in the world!" he said as he looked deep into my eyes, while moving my torso closer to him, slowly pulling me lower to be on the same level as his face.
Riven kissed me, and I accidentally passed him my mint gum into his mouth. We both laughed at it. What weirdly impressed me is that Riven didn't spit it out; he kept chewing my gum, showing our insane closure.
I didn't feel that way. I knew I should feel guilt and shame for theoretically cheating on him. Yet I started to get so burned out from constantly feeling guilty, so I was just looking at him, smiling back, and ignoring how terrible a girlfriend I am. There was a hope in me that I was just in confusion or some mental trauma, that eventually it would pass, and my real, pure, fire-burning feelings for Riven would be resuscitated.
I needed Rita right now so badly; she would've given me some psychological speech and made me feel better, or at least made me forget about my romantic mess. Unlike me, Rita was going up on the hill to a better life, and she was going there confidently. She stuck to one man only, technically, as Phil was the only man she talked about, and she eventually got what she wanted and cried about. Meanwhile, I was aiming for one, then got another, decided to keep both for the sake of the second, and now I might actually be more invested in the first one.
"That can't be true..." I thought to myself and decided to prove to myself that I actually love and want Riven. While he was giving a monologue about where we could go for dinner while checking restaurants' websites, I slowly undressed myself while he wasn't looking at me.
As soon as Riven realised I was not responding, he turned to me and got absolutely shocked, as I was standing fully naked in front of him. I said nothing, only giving him a little smile.
"Restaurant surely can wait...!" he said with excitement and almost jumped on me, while keeping his actions and foreplay slow, soft, and sensual.
Just for a scientific comparison, sex with Riven and Alexander is two different sides of the spectrum. Riven is very caring, romantic, involved in his movement technique, and slightly shy to moan, while Alexander acts like a retired pornstar who never had enough in his career. In my current life state, I was feeling so tired, hopeless, and confused that I needed any sort of rush and extreme feeling. Hence, sex with Riven's father felt and sounded better to me.
Regardless of a hard, family-drama-filled morning and a confused but beyond pleasing afternoon, I finished my day with a vanilla type of sex with my boyfriend. I didn't allow myself to act like a horny, dirty, or slutty girl in front of Riven, as this part of myself I dedicate to Alexander, despite my preference for rough, crazy sex.
Riven took us out to dinner, and I spent a few hours talking to him, as if it were our first date. We talked almost non-stop, giving ourselves time to eat in between pauses. In that moment, I thought to myself that definitely not everything is lost...