"Sensei, we're running out of time!"
"We're ninja, not starving monks. You can run out of time, but you never skip a meal."
Uchiha Tobika pushed all three of his genin into their seats at Ichiraku, nodding at Teuchi as the man worked the counter.
"Eat. Three bowls each. I'm paying.Now that you're shinobi, you need to understand something cruel."He lowered his voice dramatically."Every meal could be your last. You never know whether tomorrow or death comes first."
The trio swallowed nervously.
Tobika leaned closer, jerking his thumb toward the direction of the old Senju compound.
"I was born in Konoha Year 33. Senju Nawaki died in Year 37. I was old enough to remember when they carried his body back.You know what I heard? The poor kid died with an empty stomach.Starved all the way to the Pure Land.No one knows if they serve meals there."
Bonk.
Something slammed the back of his skull.
Tobika rubbed the growing bump, scowling."Who hit me?"
"I did."
He followed the voice upward.
Long scarlet hair, pale skin, angry blue eyes, and enough killing intent to crack the bowl…Uzumaki Kushina.
Why is she here?
She dropped into the seat next to him as casually as if she owned the stall.
Tobika cleared his throat and raised a hand."Teuchi-san. One ultra-deluxe tonkotsu for Kushina."
Then he saw who stood behind her.
Uchiha Mikoto, serene smile, very pregnant, radiating "I'm eating for two and you're paying."
Tobika glanced at his thin wallet.
"Mikoto-dono… any food preferences?"
Her eyes twinkled."Free food has no restrictions."
"Right… of course it doesn't."
He ordered her a luxurious bowl as well, mentally writing condolences to Fugaku.
Behind them, his students huddled together.
"…What's wrong with sensei?""No idea. He's got that 'planning a crime' expression again.""I heard he doesn't get along with his clan. This might be related."
After the two women finished and left, the trio leaned in.
"Sensei… what was that?"
Tobika glanced around, then murmured,"Kushina once lived with the Senju. She knew Nawaki. There's some family connection.Anyway, Nawaki died hungry. Even Tsunade will admit her little brother exploded without a full meal.So I'm telling you: don't waste food. Don't go hungry. The grave doesn't serve ramen."
He crossed his arms, eyes drifting toward where the two pregnant kunoichi had walked off.
"Both their stomachs get bigger every day… it's torture.Sometimes I dream Kushina sits on my chest and slaps me with the Nine-Tails.Mikoto… don't get me started. Unless someone sterilizes her or Fugaku, this clan is doomed.If she pops out another kid after Sasuke… the Uchiha might actually ascend to heaven."
His students stared at him like he was speaking forbidden jutsu.
"Sensei… what are you mumbling?"
Tobika rolled his eyes."Forget it. Hana—want to get sterilized?"
Hyūga Hana froze like a deer.
"You dream of freedom, right? You know your clan's curse better than I do. Do you really want your children living with seals on their foreheads?"
She legitimately began thinking about it.
Tobika thumped her head a few times.
"Idiot. It was a joke. You can't even find a boyfriend. Your future has no children by default."
He shoved mission scrolls into their hands.
"Mission time. I'm captain. You listen."
All three straightened.
"Yes!"
"Good.Iruka, Hana—you're intel. Track every missing-cat report. Mark households with elderly residents.Yugao, you're with me. We're going to get cats—Ahem. I mean, find cats."
"I understand!"
As Iruka and Hana sprinted off, Tobika and Yugao headed toward the village outskirts.
"Sensei…"Yugao scanned the increasingly empty roads nervously."The missing pets wouldn't leave the village, right?"
"Of course not. They're all still inside."
"Then why are we—"
Yugao's cheeks burned as an image of the ramen shop resurfaced.Her steps slowed.
Sensei… taking me out of the village… does he—
"Stop thinking nonsense."
He didn't even turn around.
"I'm not a predator. We're going to see Cat Granny. She lives outside the village."
"…Ah."
Yugao blushed, clutching her chest instinctively.
"You read minds, sensei?"
"No. You're hugging yourself like there's a pervert around. I'm the only person here. Do the math."
"…Fair."
They reached Cat Granny's residence—a cavern full of felines.
Yugao's eyes sparkled."So many cats… so many colors… so fluffy…"
Tobika ignored the swarm of kittens that tried to climb him and waved at the old lady lounging on the upper platform.
"Granny. I'm here."
The old woman cracked one eyelid open."Oh? Little Tobika? Here to buy from me again?"
"Not today. Business is something else."
She sighed, disappointed he wasn't spending money."Well then? What do you want?"
"I'm here to stock cats."
"…Hah?"Yugao blinked, clutching two kittens.Stock? Cats? Stock them where?
Granny reacted like it was the most normal sentence in the world."Thought you'd never take D-ranks again. Been years."
"Same. But I'm a teacher now. Might as well grind D-ranks with the kids."
"How many?"
"Twenty to start. Not many missing this week."
Granny whispered to a nearby cat.
Moments later, more than a hundred cats poured into the clearing like a furry avalanche.
Tobika slipped on his cat-ear headband and addressed the crowd seriously.
"Listen up. With Cat Granny, you get fed—but not well.With me? You get fed well.Your target is Konoha households whose cats ran away. Go in, charm them, sleep on their beds, eat their food.When the original cat returns, beat it up and send it here. Simple."
Yugao choked."S-sensei, we can't do that!"
"Why not? Those cats ran away. Actions have consequences.You think life lets you wander off for a week and still return to a warm bed?Replace them."
He placed the cat-ears on Yugao's head.
"It's like marriage. If your husband runs off to another woman for two months and comes home wanting a warm welcome… would you accept that?Replace him. Same logic."
Yugao opened her mouth—And froze.
With the ears on… she could suddenly understand the cats.
And the cats were talking.A lot.With humor so dirty she almost fainted.
She pointed accusingly at a black cat telling a filthy joke.
"Sensei! That one—!"
Tobika shrugged.
"They're living creatures. They have their personalities."
"But—these cats don't look like the missing ones… won't people notice?"
"Relax," Tobika said. "I know a hair salon."
"A… salon…?"
Yugao looked down at the kittens swarming her feet.
Now she understood how Tobika achieved thousands of D-rank completions.
It was cheating…But it felt good.
Why return a runaway cat to a home it abandoned?Why force a family to accept a creature that clearly wanted something else?
Let them have a new cat.Let the runaway live wild.Life becomes very simple.
And suddenly she understood.
No wonder he's the teacher.
His worldview wasn't normal.It was… efficient.