So hey I'm depressed and needed to put my thoughts on paper I am always depressed since I was a little kid. I was bullied and such for my autism not just by other kids but by adults too who just didn't understand what I was going through. Recently I had a breakdown after many other ones but now I'm truly thinking of killing myself maybe when others aren't looking or knowing or such.....I honestly hate the idea of living but not just because of my lack of love for myself or courage or that sort of thing but I'm physically 21 now but my mind is not there yet so I feel like an imposter in my own body. I don't know what to say or do and I kinda want to go to college or university because even if I might become stressed I would have access to people to talk to and be told where to go, when to go and other such things like back at school which surprisingly I wish I could go back to those times. I miss not having to decide things for me and just wanting to live life. When I woke up today I was better but my mom talking to me makes it worse. Not only when I was a kid would she ground me for things I didn't understand or wasn't my fault or was a misunderstanding but also, she would not believe me no matter what I said about the teachers, or maybe she did, she does love me I know but when you have so much bad in your life it's hard to tell what is good, I can never tell if someone is telling the truth or lying likely not because of my autism entirely but because of the fact I don't believe I should be told nice things to. I do have friends though I try not to which is not healthy but I hated having friends and looking them so quickly. I need to learn it is fine, that things are fine.
