Chapter 10: The Grasshopper Effect
Three days of small freelance jobs had pulled Kayel's balance up to negative twenty-seven dollars and ten cents. Not exactly prosperity, but enough to restore some basic visual clarity. The world was still slightly soft around the edges, but at least he could read signs and recognize faces again.
He sat in Leonard and Sheldon's living room, ostensibly helping with some computer maintenance but really just enjoying the free WiFi while staring intently at a magazine. The magazine was his latest defense against accidental thoughts—if his conscious mind was occupied with reading about automotive trends and celebrity gossip, it couldn't wander into billable territory.
"Focus on the words. Don't think about anything else. Just absorb information about... winter tire maintenance. Riveting."
The strategy was working until Raj burst through the door looking like a man facing his own execution.
"I need help," Raj announced to the room. "Emergency consultation. My parents are trying to set me up with someone."
Leonard looked up from his laptop. "That's good, right? Your parents have excellent taste."
"They want me to meet her tonight. Tonight! At a restaurant. Where I'll have to talk to her." Raj's voice rose with each word until he was practically squeaking. "You know what happens when I try to talk to women."
"You can't," Howard said helpfully. "It's like selective mutism, but only for the attractive half of the population."
"Not helping, Howard."
Kayel kept his eyes fixed on an article about carburetor maintenance, trying very hard not to think about the psychological mechanisms behind selective mutism. He could feel the system lurking in his mind, ready to charge him for any interesting thoughts about social anxiety or speech disorders.
"Carburetor. Fuel injection. Engine timing. Boring car stuff that won't cost me money."
"What's her name?" Leonard asked.
"Lalita. She's a graduate student at UCLA. Studying literature. My mother says she's 'accomplished and suitable for matrimonial consideration.'"
"Your mother talks like a Victorian novel," Sheldon observed.
"The point is," Raj continued, beginning to pace, "I need practice. I need to figure out how to talk to women without alcohol, because showing up drunk to a date my parents arranged seems like poor form."
That's when Penny appeared in the doorway, carrying what looked like a cocktail shaker and wearing the focused expression of someone conducting scientific research.
"Perfect timing," she said. "I'm practicing bartending for this catering gig, and I need test subjects. Who wants to try my signature drink?"
"What's in it?" Leonard asked.
"It's called a Grasshopper. Crème de menthe, crème de cacao, and cream. Very sweet, very smooth, very..." She paused, considering. "Green."
"Alcohol. Raj and alcohol. This is going to be interesting."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.20.
Kayel gritted his teeth and forced his attention back to the magazine. An article about vintage motorcycle restoration. Safe, boring, mechanical.
"I'll try one," Raj said immediately. "For science. And because I need all the help I can get."
Penny mixed the drink with the enthusiasm of someone who'd watched too many bartending movies. The result was an alarming shade of green that looked more like antifreeze than a beverage, but Raj accepted it with the desperation of a man facing social doom.
"Bottoms up," he said, and drank the entire thing in three large gulps.
The effect was almost immediate.
"You know," Raj said, his voice suddenly clear and confident, "Lalita is a beautiful name. It means 'playful' in Sanskrit. Very auspicious for someone studying literature, since playfulness with language is essential for true literary appreciation."
Everyone stared at him.
"Did Raj just..." Howard began.
"Talk to Penny without whispering?" Leonard finished. "Yeah. He did."
Raj, apparently unaware that he'd just broken his own psychological barrier, continued speaking. "Penny, that cocktail is surprisingly well-balanced. The mint provides a refreshing contrast to the chocolate notes, and the cream adds a luxurious mouthfeel that prevents the liqueurs from becoming cloying."
"Okay," Penny said slowly. "That's... very detailed feedback."
"Selective mutism. Psychological condition triggered by anxiety. Alcohol reduces inhibition, which reduces anxiety, which removes the speech barrier. It's not curing the underlying condition, just masking the symptoms."
[MEDICAL DIAGNOSTIC AVAILABLE: $5.00. COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS OF SELECTIVE MUTISM AND TREATMENT OPTIONS.]
The system's offer hung in his mind like a tempting fruit. Five dollars to understand exactly what was happening to Raj, to get a complete analysis of the condition and possible interventions. It was fascinating from a psychological perspective, and probably useful information.
"No. Absolutely not. I can figure this out with basic common sense, and I'm not paying five dollars to satisfy my curiosity."
"It's the booze," Kayel said aloud, not looking up from his magazine. "Social lubricant. Removes inhibitions."
Howard turned to stare at him. "What are you, Dr. Phil? How do you know about social anxiety?"
"Because I have a degree in psychology that I earned before transmigrating to a sitcom universe, but I can't exactly explain that."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.30.
"Common sense," Kayel said with a shrug. "Alcohol makes people more talkative. Raj is usually quiet around women. Alcohol plus Penny equals Raj talking. Not exactly rocket science."
"Perfect. I sound like I'm stating the obvious instead of demonstrating advanced knowledge of psychological conditions."
Raj, meanwhile, was still talking to Penny with increasing animation. "Have you read any Salman Rushdie? His use of magical realism would be particularly relevant to someone named Lalita, given the mythological associations."
"I... don't really read much literature," Penny admitted.
"That's perfectly fine! Popular culture serves many of the same social functions as traditional literature. Your work in hospitality, for instance, requires a sophisticated understanding of human psychology and social dynamics."
Sheldon was watching this transformation with the fascination of a scientist observing a new species. "Remarkable. The ethanol has effectively disabled his amygdala-based anxiety response, allowing normal social communication patterns to emerge."
"Or," Leonard said dryly, "alcohol made him chatty. Like it does to most people."
For the next hour, Kayel watched as Raj charmed everyone in the room with newfound eloquence. He complimented Penny's bartending skills, discussed quantum mechanics with Sheldon, debated the merits of various science fiction franchises with Leonard and Howard, and generally behaved like a completely different person.
It was fascinating from a psychological perspective, and Kayel found himself fighting the urge to analyze every aspect of the transformation.
"Alcohol as a pharmaceutical intervention for social anxiety. Temporary but effective. The question is whether repeated use could lead to dependency, or whether it might actually help build confidence for future sober interactions."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.40.
"Even wondering about the long-term implications costs money. This system is going to bankrupt me through sheer intellectual curiosity."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.50.
"And now I'm being charged for complaining about being charged. It's like a tax on existing."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.60.
By evening, Raj had consumed two more Grasshoppers and was confidently preparing for his date with Lalita. He'd called his parents to confirm the restaurant reservation, practiced conversation topics with Penny, and even asked for wardrobe advice from the group.
"I feel like I could talk to anyone," he said, adjusting his tie. "Women, professors, even my father's intimidating business associates. It's like the words are just... there. Available. Ready to be used."
"Just remember," Leonard cautioned, "you'll need to moderate your alcohol intake. You want to be charming, not drunk."
"Of course. Strategic consumption. Just enough to achieve optimal social functionality without compromising cognitive performance."
After Raj left for his date, the group settled into their usual evening routine—takeout food, bad television, and the comfortable chaos of people who'd known each other too long to bother with politeness.
Kayel remained focused on his magazine, though by now he'd read every article twice and was starting to memorize advertisements for lawn mowers and kitchen appliances.
"Alcohol as a system override. Fascinating how a simple chemical compound can bypass complex psychological barriers."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.70.
Kayel silently screamed inside his own head, a soundless expression of frustration that somehow felt like the most honest reaction he'd had all day.
"I can't even think the word 'fascinating' without being charged for it. This is insane."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.80.
"And 'insane' is apparently also billable. Of course it is."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$27.90.
He closed the magazine and leaned back in his chair, trying to achieve a state of mental blankness that wouldn't trigger any additional charges. Around him, his friends continued their conversation about Raj's transformation, completely unaware that their neighbor was fighting a silent war against his own thoughts.
"This is my life now. Sitting in rooms full of interesting people having fascinating conversations, and I can't afford to think about any of it."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$28.00.
The visual degradation got slightly worse.
"Perfect. Just perfect."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$28.10.
Through his increasingly blurry vision, Kayel watched Leonard and Sheldon debate the neurochemical basis of alcohol's anxiolytic effects, while Howard and Penny discussed the social implications of liquid courage. It was exactly the kind of conversation he would have loved to join—intelligent, multifaceted, touching on psychology, pharmacology, and social dynamics.
Instead, he sat in silence, counting the cost of every stray thought and wondering how long he could maintain this bizarre existence.
"At least Raj is having a good night. Someone should be happy."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$28.20.
"Even hoping for other people's happiness costs money. This system is pure evil."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: -$28.30.
The room continued its warm buzz of conversation and friendship, while Kayel retreated deeper into his magazine and his increasingly expensive thoughts.
Some problems, he was learning, couldn't be solved with alcohol.
But they could definitely be made worse by an AI system with a billing department.
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