Chapter 12: The Loobenfeld Spectacle
The community theater's production of "Anne Frank and the Rent-Controlled Apartment" was exactly as terrible as Kayel had expected it to be.
He sat in the third row of a converted warehouse space, surrounded by folding chairs and the kind of audience that attended community theater out of obligation rather than enthusiasm. On stage, Penny was giving what could charitably be called an enthusiastic performance as Anne Frank, if Anne Frank had been a blonde waitress from Nebraska with a tendency to project her lines like she was addressing the back row of a football stadium.
"This is painful. Genuinely, physically painful to watch."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: $184.10.
The play itself was a surreal mashup of historical drama and contemporary housing crisis commentary. Anne Frank was hiding from Nazis while also trying to negotiate rent control with her landlord, played by a man who seemed to think "Jewish stereotype" was a character direction rather than something to avoid.
"I'd pay ten dollars to be temporarily deaf right now. This is torture."
[TEMPORARY DEAFNESS IS NOT AN AVAILABLE SERVICE. SYSTEM FUNCTIONS ARE LIMITED TO ENHANCEMENT, NOT SENSORY DEPRIVATION.]
"Of course it isn't. The one time I actually want to pay for something, the system has ethical boundaries."
The first act mercifully ended with Anne Frank signing a lease agreement while hiding in the attic, a plot development that made about as much sense as everything else in this production. During intermission, Kayel considered fleeing, but Penny had specifically invited him, and abandoning her would require explanations he couldn't give.
"What do you think so far?" asked the woman sitting next to him, who appeared to be someone's well-meaning grandmother.
"It's... very creative," Kayel said diplomatically.
"Oh yes, so original! I love how they've modernized the classic story."
"Modernized. Right. That's definitely what this is."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: $184.00.
The second act was somehow worse than the first. The Nazis had been recast as aggressive landlords, Anne Frank's diary entries had become yelp reviews of her hiding place, and there was a musical number about rent stabilization that would haunt Kayel's dreams for weeks.
But he sat through it all, partly out of loyalty to Penny and partly out of morbid fascination with just how spectacularly bad community theater could get when ambitious people with no talent decided to "make a statement."
When the curtain finally fell and the audience gave their polite, obligatory applause, Kayel felt like a survivor of some kind of cultural disaster. Penny appeared at the stage door afterward, still in costume and glowing with post-performance adrenaline.
"So?" she said expectantly. "What did you think?"
"It was... unforgettable," Kayel said, which was technically true.
"I know the dialogue needs work, and the staging was a little rough, but I think we really captured something important about housing inequality."
"You definitely captured something," Kayel agreed.
Penny beamed at what she interpreted as praise, and Kayel felt a pang of guilt for his mental commentary. She'd worked hard on this, had thrown herself into it with genuine enthusiasm, and while the result was objectively terrible, her effort was real and admirable.
"She's trying. That counts for something, even if the play is a crime against both history and theater."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: $183.90.
Later that evening, Kayel found himself in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, sharing takeout Chinese food and trying to process the cultural experience he'd just survived. The guys had asked about the play, and he'd given them a diplomatic summary that emphasized Penny's enthusiasm while carefully avoiding any actual assessment of quality.
That's when Sheldon's phone rang.
"Oh no," Leonard said, recognizing the ringtone. "It's your mother."
"I'm not here," Sheldon said immediately, diving behind the couch.
"Sheldon, you can't hide from your mother forever."
"Watch me. Tell her I've joined a monastery. Or died. Or moved to a monastery for dead people."
Leonard answered the phone with the weary resignation of someone who'd been through this before. "Hi, Mrs. Cooper. No, Sheldon's not available right now. He's... in the bathroom. A very long bathroom visit."
From behind the couch came Sheldon's stage whisper: "Tell her I have cholera!"
"What was that? Oh, no, that was just the TV."
Kayel watched this domestic theater unfold with the fascination of someone observing an entirely new species of dysfunction. Leonard was clearly practiced at covering for Sheldon's maternal avoidance, while Sheldon had apparently turned hiding from his mother into an art form.
"Yes, he's eating properly. Yes, he's wearing clean clothes. No, I don't think he's experimenting with drugs."
"Tell her about the luminous fish!" Sheldon hissed from his hiding spot.
"No," Leonard mouthed back, then returned to the phone. "Everything's fine, Mrs. Cooper. He's just been very busy with his research."
The conversation continued for several minutes, with Leonard fielding increasingly specific questions about Sheldon's health, hygiene, and general life choices. It was like listening to a parent-teacher conference being conducted through a reluctant intermediary.
That's when the knock came at the door.
"I'll get it," Kayel said, since Leonard was still trapped on the phone and Sheldon was still hiding behind furniture.
He opened the door to find a young man in his twenties, wearing jeans and a nervous expression. The guy was thin, slightly disheveled, and had the look of someone who'd been sleeping in his car.
"Uh, hi," the stranger said. "I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper? I'm his cousin Leo."
Kayel blinked. "Cousin Leo?"
"Yeah, from... Texas. I'm in town for a few days and thought I'd stop by."
From behind the couch came a strangled yelping sound, as if Sheldon was being slowly strangled by his own neuroses.
"Leo!" Leonard said loudly, covering the phone. "Sheldon's cousin Leo! What a surprise!"
The stranger looked confused. "Actually, my name's Toby. Toby Loobenfeld. I'm an actor, and someone paid me fifty dollars to come here and pretend to be—"
"COUSIN LEO!" Leonard practically shouted. "So good to see you! Come in, come in!"
Kayel watched this surreal scene unfold with growing amusement. Clearly, Sheldon had hired an actor to play his fictional cousin, probably as part of some elaborate scheme to avoid talking to his mother. It was the kind of plan that was simultaneously brilliant and completely insane.
"Mrs. Cooper," Leonard said into the phone, "you'll never guess who just showed up. It's Cousin Leo! Yes, he's here visiting Sheldon. Would you like to talk to him?"
From behind the couch: "NO!"
"I mean," Leonard corrected, "Leo's very tired from his trip. Maybe later."
Toby—or "Cousin Leo"—stood in the doorway looking like he was questioning every life choice that had led him to this moment. "Should I... should I do an accent? Nobody mentioned an accent."
"Just be yourself," Kayel said quietly. "But, you know, more... Leo-ish."
"What does that mean?"
"I have no idea."
The next ten minutes were a masterclass in improvised deception. Leonard juggled phone conversation with his fictional narrative, Sheldon provided whispered direction from behind the couch, and Toby gamely attempted to portray a character he'd never heard of until five minutes ago.
"Yes, Leo's looking good," Leonard said into the phone. "Very... healthy. And... Leo-like."
"Tell her I'm a drug addict," Toby whispered, apparently deciding to commit to his role. "That'll explain why I look sketchy."
"NO!" came the urgent hiss from behind the couch.
But it was too late. Toby had already launched into what was either a brilliant improvisational performance or a genuine breakdown.
"I've been clean for six months now," he announced loudly enough for the phone to pick up. "The rehab really helped, and I'm just taking things one day at a time."
Leonard's face went through a series of expressions that would have been comic if they weren't so genuinely horrified.
"What was that?" came Mary Cooper's voice through the phone, loud enough for everyone to hear. "Did Leo say something about rehab?"
Kayel settled back into his chair with a bowl of lo mein, watching the chaos unfold like it was the best entertainment he'd seen all week. Which, considering he'd just sat through "Anne Frank and the Rent-Controlled Apartment," was actually true.
"Bold choice, Leo," he said quietly, just loud enough for Toby to hear. "Really sells the unreliable family member angle."
Toby shot him a look that was equal parts gratitude and panic, then continued his improvised performance with increasing enthusiasm.
"The thing about addiction is," Toby continued, "it really makes you appreciate the simple things. Like family. And not being in jail."
From behind the couch came what sounded like Sheldon having a nervous breakdown in seven-part harmony.
Kayel took another bite of his lo mein and settled in to watch the rest of the show. After the evening's community theater disaster, this was exactly the kind of entertainment he needed—spontaneous, ridiculous, and completely authentic in its absurdity.
"These people are insane. But at least their insanity is genuinely entertaining."
[QUERY: $0.10]
Balance: $183.80.
Even his appreciation for their chaos came with a price tag, but somehow, watching Sheldon's elaborate scheme collapse in real time made the ten cents feel like money well spent.
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