The gel the nurse spread over my stomach was cold, making me flinch. I took slow, deep breaths as the doctor moved the handheld scanner across my skin, the soft hum of the machine filling the quiet room.
I held my breath while she studied the sonogram on the monitor. I hadn't felt a kick all morning and was trying not to panic.
"Mrs. Vale, you can relax a bit. She's okay," the doctor said with a small smile.
"She's okay?" I repeated, my voice smaller than I meant it to be.
"Yes, Star. She's okay." She nodded toward a younger doctor who handed her a document before disappearing through the door. Then her expression softened. "But are you okay?"
"Yeah," I said quickly. "Morning sickness barely bothers me anymore. I guess I just worry about her a lot."
The doctor gave me a knowing look. "That's normal. But do you have support at home? Emotional support, I mean. Everyone focuses on the physical parts of pregnancy, but your mental health is just as important. You don't want that blood pressure creeping up."
I forced a small laugh, unsure what to say. What could I tell her? That my husband and I barely spoke anymore? That the house felt colder lately, even when everyone was there? That I kept waiting for someone to notice how lonely I'd become?
Instead, I smiled. "I think it's the hormones. I've been feeling a little sad, and I don't really know why. It's messing everything up. Even my husband can't stand me lately." I tried to joke, but my voice cracked halfway through. "Is there anything I could take for that? Something that'll make me happy? Not so tired all the time. Something that will make me... free. Something that'll make me less yucky to be with. I think I have something in me that scares people away."
Her eyes lifted from the chart, and all I saw on her face was shock.
God, did I say something wrong? Was she going to yell at me?
"I mean," I added quickly, "something that won't hurt the baby, of course."
She studied me for a long moment, her expression difficult to read. I looked away, pretending to be fascinated by the soft whooshing sound of my daughter's heartbeat echoing through the machine.
Then she set the clipboard down. "Star," she said carefully, her eyes meeting mine, "you're not yucky to be with." Her voice was gentle but full of conviction. Was that worry? Or pity?
I knew pity. My parents and I were in an accident, and I was the only one who survived. I'd been accustomed to it all my life.
"Star, are you sure you're okay?" This time she said my name again, softly. "It's really okay not to be okay. You're doing something incredible with your body right now, but you're still human. And humans feel."
"Yes, yes, I'm sure I'm fine," I said quickly. "I told you—it's just hormones." I forced a small laugh and changed the topic, asking questions about vitamins and symptoms. I had to be careful not to say unnecessary things. Maybe this was why Adrian got upset. Maybe I really did talk too much.
When the appointment was over, I reached for my bag, but she stopped me. "Here," she said, scribbling on a small card. "This is my number. I'm not going to assume anything, but if you ever have any issues—medical or personal—call me. It's my personal cell. I'll help you however I can."
I stared at the card for a second before taking it. Apart from Lena, I hadn't really made friends in years. I'd dropped out of college after marrying Adrian, and whatever friends I'd had then had quietly disappeared.
I smiled, trying to look grateful. "Thank you, Doctor Grey."
"Please," she said, touching my shoulder gently, "call me Maya."
"Maya," I repeated, nodding.
"I'm sorry, but is there a reason you think I need this? Because I can assure you I'm fine. I just—"
"No, that's not why," she said quickly. "I like you, Star. And I like your name too. I just moved to town and I don't have any friends yet. Besides, I know you sometimes worry about the baby and might want to ask questions. It can be a win-win, right?"
"Right," I repeated, still unsure.
"Anything at all," she said softly. "Promise me you'll call."
"I promise," I said.
For some reason, I felt a small flicker of joy as I walked out of the hospital. My baby was okay. And I'd made a new friend.
I stopped in the hallway as the next patient went in. She waddled slowly into the room, her husband holding her arm, smiling at her with awe as she walked past.
A sting burned behind my eyes, and I hated myself immediately. These damned hormones. Come on, Star, don't be greedy. Don't be greedy.
Life balances out, I told myself. My parents died, but they left me money. I didn't have a family, but I got one in Adrian's. Adrian wasn't affectionate, but he was still my husband.
At least you have a husband. At least you have…
A sob broke free before I could stop it.
You're right, Adrian. I can't do anything properly.
I didn't go straight home after the appointment. I took the bus on another route instead, circling through familiar streets because I wasn't ready to face him yet.
I was scared to see him. I was scared of his words. They hurt so much that sometimes I felt like I was dying.
I stopped at the baby shop, the only place that still made me feel happy. Looking at all the baby things, I could already picture her. My baby. She had no idea how much I couldn't wait to meet her, how much I missed her, even though I hadn't seen her yet.
After losing my first baby, I'd fallen into a deep sadness. I kept thinking my body had failed my baby, and I carried that guilt because, deep down, I had secretly wanted a baby so Adrian would love me. But when I lost him, I realized how foolish that was—wanting a child for a reason like that.
This time, I just wanted to make everything right. This time, I would love my baby with clean intentions.
My eyes lingered on the car seat again. It was still on sale. Lena still hadn't paid me back, but I already knew she wouldn't. She never did. She was perfect in every way; maybe that was her only flaw.
I reached out and touched the car seat, imagining myself driving my baby places. I had never learned to drive or even had a license. But somehow, she made all the things I thought I'd never do feel possible. She made me dream again.
The sun was setting, the light spilling gold through the shop window. I really had to go home. I couldn't be a coward forever.
So I went home. It was quiet when I walked in. Adrian wasn't back yet, and maybe that was for the best. I told myself I'd go to bed early. He didn't even sleep in our room anymore. He'd moved to the guest room ages ago.
I had barely dropped my bag when Mother appeared at the top of the stairs.
"Where have you been all day?"
I froze. Was that worry in her voice?
"Vivi came back starving. No lunch, no dinner. And you didn't answer your phone."
"Oh," I said, trying to hide my disappointment. "I had a hospital appointment. There was a wait time, and I ran a few errands after. The bus was late too."
"God, do you have to make excuses for everything?" she snapped. "What would you do if Vivi fainted from hunger? She works hard at school, and you can't even manage a meal? Why do you always make things hard for everyone?"
"I'm sorry, I—"
"Viv!" she called down the stairs. "Come on, we're going out to dinner." Then she turned back to me. "You can't even take care of your husband's little sister. How do you expect to be a good mother to your own child?"
The words cut deeper than usual.
"Maybe it's because you never grew up with a mother yourself," she added, her voice smooth but sharp. "That's why you're so careless and inconsiderate sometimes. You do nothing around here. The least you can do is be useful."
Vivi came bounding down the stairs in a new dress I hadn't seen before, her hair glossy and styled. She stopped halfway when she saw me.
"I'm sorry, Vivi," I said, my voice small. "I didn't mean to forget—"
"Whatever," she interrupted, brushing past me. "Just don't touch me, you fatso."
I blinked hard, swallowing the sting. She was a teenager, I told myself. Teenagers could be cruel without meaning to.
"Come on, sweetheart, let's go," Miranda said, linking arms with her daughter.
"Mom, can I call Adrian to meet us there?" Vivi asked as she slipped on her shoes.
"Of course," Miranda said with a smile. "Make sure to sound extra sad so he buys you that new bag you wanted."
"Star?" Miranda called as she opened the door.
"Yes?"
"The toilet in my bathroom's clogged again. Could you take care of that?"
"Sure," I said quietly.
A moment later, the sound of their car pulling out of the driveway filled the silence. I stood there for a while, staring at the empty hallway.
"The baby's fine, thanks for asking, Mother," I said softly to no one. "I also haven't eaten today," I added, my stomach rumbling in reply.
"What should we eat, baby girl? What are you craving?" I whispered as I climbed the stairs. My hand rested on my belly.
"Sometimes, baby," I said, smiling faintly, "I feel it's just me and you against the world."