I'm not sure what just happened. It was like a stab to the heart the moment she spoke my name. I am so used to her calling me DC or Professor that I lost all composure when Avery left her lips. I have always imagined what my name would sound like coming from those full and lucious lips. Even in this context it was far more than I have conjured in even my wildest imaginings. The sound of my name on her lips is now mixing with the sound of the softs moans from half a decade ago… Wild images fly through my mind of her hair spread across my sheets, limbs everywhere as I worship her like the Queen she is.
Damn it.
If I could have just held my shit together maybe she would have opened up and answered some of the many questions I have. Maybe my mind would be put at ease regarding what the near future holds. But instead I had to revert to my former default of being a total and complete dick. Of course she reacted that way to my random moment of kindness to her, that was out of the norm for her. Why is it that I can't treat her the way she deserves? Even when she rsponds in a defensive way to me I should know better than to get aggressive with her. All of this shit is my fault. And if I had any balls and could set aside my pride I would tell her that and beg her forgiveness. If my self control wasn't absolute shit I could hold it together and let her work through her fight or flight reflex. Thank the Creator that she doesn't choose flight like I do.
I should have given her the same level of calming care when she fought back that I did when initiating the conversation. I know I should have but I am a dumbass. The pot calling the kettle black, pointing out the obvious to her… I too am a genius and yet I am not emotionally intelligent enough to recognize and respond to the simple fact that I caused her defenses to flair the moment I come near her and open my big ass mouth. I did this to myself. I am the reason she hates me so damn much.
As I walk at a brisk pace I can feel her slowly approaching. I begin to slow, knowing instinctually that she is walking in the same direction as me. My thoughts and heart rate begin to slow. Rational thoughts enter my mind, and the overwhelming desire to protect her even from myself. I slow enough that I am pissing off people who are rushing down the sidewalks, cursing as I become all but stationary on the side walk. I can feel her presence, the feeling evolving from a tingle to a hum to a buzz as she gets closer. Finally I feel a jolt of electricity and I know the person that has just bumped into my unmoving body is her.
"I'm sorry Dahlia. I didn't mean to insult you. I… there is no excuse for my behavior." I state looking down like a shamed puppy dog, my tail surely between my legs hoping she doesn't kick me right in tha balls.
"Me too, you tried to show kindness to me and I acted in a tactless way. Can we start again? P
Preferably not with the weather?" she asks, also looking downcast like she is preparing for the worst from me in return. Astonished by her attempt not only at peacemaking but humor in this moment, I just shake my head, unable to speak.
"Soooo..." she stammers, struggling to come up with something of value to say, it seems.
"So, what are your plans after graduation?"
"Well, I honestly had not put much thought into it. I feel like I am being pulled in every direction. My father believes I need to go back home to the Carolinas and lead the pack. He hopes I'll mate a wolf and that will put the other wolves at ease. There are many who still don't want me leading them because I am a female, and also a hybrid. I already overpower my father, and basically command the pack whether they choose to see it or not… I have been calling shots for years, via my father. They see me as "training" or "advising" but there have been times Father has not agreed with me, and I unknowingly forced his paw- so to speak- and made an executive decision he then was forced to carry out. He believes it long past time for him to step down as Alpha and me to take my rightful place in the pack.
"Mother wants me to come to Europe with her. She believes as Vampire Queen and UPU Chairman, I should be getting to know a little bit about all the creatures who's interests I speak for. Apparently the diversity in Europe is greater than here in the States. She says I should base my headquarters there, so that I will have the ability to contact all creatures more easily. The only species apparently not living in Europe are the Long Dragon variety, who reside only in China. Apparently they're very traditional and nonconformant, and believe themselves to be set apart from the rest of Dragon-kind. So, she thinks relocating somewhere in Europe where I can be close to the rest will be most beneficial.
"Mia my best friend thinks I should stay in Cambridge, and accept the job offer from Harvard. She says that it is the 'smart and safe' choice. I already have friends, a home and a support system, and with this job offer my financial needs will be met. Due to me being there for years for college, all the UPU have been operating from there so it makes sense to just remain in the Boston area long term…
"I have no idea what I want, where is the best place to go. For years I have had people pulling me in all directions that I can't seem to make a decision for myself. I am excellent at making choices for others, looking at problems objectively and choosing what is most rational and would result in the greatest possible outcome. But I can't seem to do that here for myself. Each of these arguments make perfect sense, and I can't seem to move past the possible disappointment anyone would feel if I don't choose what they feel is best.
"I have the overwhelming fear that I am not good enough or that I will fail everyone, and when I say everyone I mean it. I feel like the entire paranormal world is my responsibility and I will fail them all. I know this is not logical, I know this is a result of a deep rooted insecurity stemming from the divorce of my parents. I know that logically I am not the cause of their divorce. But logic and emotion fo not always align and though I am a genius, I cannot seem to force my brain to make these differentiations. I cannot seem to move past the insecurities, even through years of therapy.
"Crap. I'm so sorry. You asked about my plans, not for my whole life story. To answer your question I have no idea what I'm doing with my damn life."
"WOW!" I didn't mean to say that aloud, but by the look on her face I did. I have never heard her curse in all the years I have known her, the closest being her calling me a douche. I try to recover, as not to offend her further, "Not wow, like 'wow' but just wow, I guess."
"Man of many words, I see… Care to shed some of those words in light of my situation?"
"Dahlia, I cannot tell you what would be best for you. There are too many factors at play here, too many things to consider. Some of which I am sure I am not privy to. And it would be selfish for one to make a suggestion about what you should do if that suggestion could potentially benefit them in some way…" I pause, taking a sideways gance at her to judge her facial expressions. I can sense confusion and nervousness, but that is all I can perceive.
"Everyone would indeed benefit in some way from me making any and all choices. Please, humor me and share what you would have me to do."
"Stay." That one word is all I can say, looking her deeply in the eyes with an intensity I hope she can understand. I hope she feels the desire stirring not just in my heart and my soul, but also deep with in my core. A longing not just for her as a leader to stay, but also for her to stay here, with me in this moment and all the moments to come. A silet plea for her companionship, for an intimacy I could only receive from her. A once in a lifetime type of connection I am sure to never see to fruition. A silent plea for requitted love. I begin to reach for her, but I stop short- unsure I can handle the sting of rejection. So I stand in silence, just hoping she will make the first move toward me rather than in the other direction.