Still able to feel a slight tingle under my skin, I make my way to my favorite torture spot, The Frog Pond. Specifically, I frequent the benches between the pond and the playground. I like to watch the children play, so carefree and innocent. No evils plaguing their sweet little lives. I like to watch the good parents who interact with the children, doting on them and indulging their imaginations through creative play. I love watching the stories those little minds create through play. I long for that type of childhood. The childhood I had before my life blew up and my parents divorced. Before I ran away from home and unknowingly broke down so many magical barriers. Before I became more of a liability and science experiment rather than a cherished child.
I sit by the pond so that when watching these sweet children becomes too much I can look away. So that when the longing for a childhood lost, and a motherhood that is highly unlikely is too overwhelming I can cast my gaze over the pond, and enjoy the beautiful creation there. So that I can remember that there is a world out there who needs someone who will go to war for them. In that pond live a colony of water nymphs. They need a voice, someone to fight for their rights and interests. Beyond that pond in the wooded area live a tribe of brush pixies. And just to my left, at the edges of the open field, an entire fairy village. These creatures need someone who will fight for their best interests. Someone who will get creative, and not be afraid to get on their level and meet them where they are. Someone who will use their imagination to create a world worth living in for them. I may never be a good mother because of my role as Supreme Alpha Wolf and Vampire Queen and UPU Board Chair(wo)man BUT I could be like a mother to them. I could assess their needs and provide for them in a loving way. I could do that.
It still breaks my heart to know that I will never be able to give a child the childhood I wish I could have had. The one I told myself all my life that I would provide. For years I made what I now know to be empty promises to myself. And for some reason breaking promises you make to yourself hurts more than having someone else make a promise made to you. I mean, logically that makes sense. Logically I understand that it is more painful because I alone am in control of my actions, so I consciously choose to break these promises. Logically I know that if it hurts so badly I could just change my own actions. I cannot control others, but I can control myself. And I myself am choosing to avoid motherhood, though it breaks my heart.
From the moment I first withdrew my fangs I knew I could never be a mother. I could never expose someone to the pain and suffering I endure daily just by existing. NO. I could never knowingly put my daughter through this type of torture. And there is no telling what kind of added fun she would experience depending on who her father would be. She would already be doomed to be Vampire Queen and Supreme Alpha Wolf… what if she was fathered by some other royal paranormal, with his own kingdom to pass on. Would they have an issue with female leadership the way the wolves have had? Would she be going through what I currently go through now? What added responsibility would that royal line add to her already over flowing plate, thanks to me.
I am a magical freak of nature, would she be cursed in that way too? Would she have added powers and abilities because of who her father is? Would she be the subject of experiment after experiment in an effort to ensure her safety? Would I allow that for her based off my own negative experience? What if she was fathered by a human. Would she lust for her father's blood? Would he be safe around her? Will she fang early like I did? Will her self control be as superior as mine was? Will she be a ripper, as so many half human half vampires are?
Would any man even be okay with the promise of only one daughter and never a son, never an additional biological child from me? Would any man actually love me for me enough to put up with all the things that come along with me? Would someone actually want to dela with all this crap? I don't even want to deal with this crap and it is my burden to bare. How could I ask someone to come alongside me for this trainwreck of a life I am sure to offer them?
I find myself unable to contain this grief and sorrow for the loss of what I never even had to begin with, but the loss of the idea of happiness. I can't help it as tears begin to fall. I don't even like children, why am I crying over a child that does not and never will exist? What is wrong with me?
I look us as a shadow hovers over me, and I see Douche-Canoe. He looks pained, and I wonder what could be plaguing him, though I am not sure why I care so much. But for some unusual reason I have this overwhelming desire to know what he is thinking. I gesture for him to join me on the bench. As he sits down he make a remark about how lovely the weather is today. I burst into uncontrollable laughter for not rational reason. I am honestly struggling to compose myself and he just smiles with such kind eyes. These are not the eyes of the Douche-Canoe Professor who has made my last semester a living hell. As if being dumped by my boyfriend wasn't enough…
Breaking through the laughter, just barely, I ask him, "Really DC, the weather? Surely you can form more articulate thoughts than that."
His smile goes away completely as he looks down examining his hands, with his brows furrowed. All amusement leave me as I look at him quizzically, trying to figure out what is going on in his head. He looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen.
"Why were you crying before?"
"Yes what lovely weather indeed, the temperature of absolutely wonderful. And the breeze coming off the pond! Wow. Fantastic." I deflect, preferring the weather to his suggested topic of conversation.
"Seriosly Daliah, I can feel your grief. It is suffocating. You can talk to me about it. Is it the meeting from this morning? Is it the coronation? Do I need to make some calls and change the next meeting? Is it the revolution? Is it too much? Do you have concerns? Have I missed something in the paperwork, do I need to amend the proposals? What can I do?!" He seems to be pleading with me as he all but shouts question after question at me, barely giving me time to process before the next leaves his mouth. I stare at him dumb founded, my mouth agape.
"Why do you even care? For years you have made it your life's mission to make my every breath difficult. And now suddenly you want to be helpful? Now suddenly you want to do something I would want? Why do you even care Avery?!" I am yelling now, drawing the attention of passersby. Normally I am the one watching and judging- but in this moment I am now the animal in the zoo, people staring and waiting to see what will happen next.
"Damnit Dahlia, I thought you were a fucking genius. Put two and two together- or are you so blind?!" He shouts before storming off. What the heck was that about?
I call after him, completely and utterly confused, "Nice chatting with you too."
I sit there going over the conversation over and over again. Trying and failing to figure what I have missed. In a five minute period he showed up, yelled at me, and then left like I did something to offend him. I am completely and utterly confused. And I want to know why every time he comes near me I have this sensation like electricity is buzzing around me. The close her is the more I feel it. Have you ever felt that "nails on a chalkboard" feeling- its not really like that, but imagine an extremely highly powered electric fence- the closer you are to it the louder the wattage is- though you cannot see the electricity, you can kind of feel it and definitely hear it. And when you touch it it shocks the crap out of you. That is what it is like when that Douche-Canoe comes near me. The closer her gets the more it goes from like a tingly feeling to a buzzing, I can feel it in my blood and bones. And on the rare occasions he has touched me It was like a shockwave. It has been that way since his grandfather's funeral. Now that he has walked away the buzzing and tingling is gone. And it feels like something is missing, like a cold spot that can only be filled by the warmth of his presence.
Standing, I look around to see a few people still looking. I smile awkwardly at them as I start the walk back to where I know he will be. Not only because it's his lawfirm, but also because as I walk that way, I am beginning to feel that slight tingling again. I walk just a little faster, just fast enough that I can feel the warmth through out my whole body, like a weighted blanket. Soothing the aches inside my heart and soul in a way I am terrified to admit might mean something…