"Addi!"
The book fell from Dean's hands as he got to his feet. Strange, why was he sitting indoors? Hadn't he been out in the garden? Looking around, he noticed that he was in what appeared to be a bedroom, though all the colors seemed washed out and the...
"Ah, that's right." He said to himself as he looked down at the book at his feet. He'd been in the world of the book and had lost himself once again.
"You've pulled yourself out." Came Tatiana's voice from behind.
He turned to find her lounging on a nearby bed, a sharp smile plastered across her face.
"Though I can't say I approve of her being the reason for your return, I'm happy it hit a nerve." She continued.
Dean knew that tone and look well. He bent over and gently held the book in his hands before setting it down on the desk. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. It was always disconcerting going from one existence to another.
The stories were so real, and this one seemed to hit even closer to home than usual. Tatiana had said before that it was much more personal than her usual works. Was that what she had meant? He turned to look at her questioningly.
"What was that?" He asked.
Tatiana seemed confused by the question.
"What do you mean, my dearest Dean? It's a book. Exactly as it appears and exactly what you wanted, is it not?"
Dean felt like he was being watched by a predator. There was a pressure that came with her gaze that made him feel like he was suffocating.
"Yes, well. It was what I was waiting for, but..."
The details of the book and the characters within it. They had all seemed so familiar. Had he read a similar book in the past? He couldn't remember. Living out an entire lifetime had a way of filling up your memories and pushing out the old ones. Also, time meant little in this gray, dead world, but he wouldn't be surprised if years had passed since Tatiana had last given him a book to read. He had spent all that time wandering the halls of this monastery, occasionally losing himself in drunken stupor.
"But you're finding it too familiar, the pain too raw and frsh?" Tatiana said, leaning forward with eager eyes. "Why, that's wonderful, Dean! The book is doing just what I intended it to do!"
He felt as if his sense of self and personal will had strengthened somewhat. Before reading he had felt light. As if a single breeze would blow him away. His hands were no longer transparent. Now he knew who he was. His name was Dean, and he had people who knew him: Matin, Rosetta, Maria, Nicolas and...
"Addi," he said aloud.
He felt a sudden force knock into him. He was flying backwards, but just as he processed that information, he struck something and came to an abrupt halt. Ah, he had forgotten what pain felt like. As his vision cleared, he realised that he had been slammed against a wall.
"You've said her name enough times now. Stop it."
Tatiana was standing now, her smile vanished, replaced by barely concealed fury. Slowly, he got to his feet and stumbled forward.
"You always act so pathetically when those others are involved, her most of all, that filthy traitor."
Tatiana's voice was thick with venom, and Dean had to make a quick mental note not to mention the girl's name in front of her anymore. Dean simply nodded in acceptance of her demands, and that seemed to placate her. With her smile returned, she approached him and placed her arm around his shoulder, stroking his cheek.
"Well, moving on from that. What did you think? You're not very popular in that story, are you? And now, one of your most loyal allies has gone and cooked herself. Does it feel just? Does it feel right?".
"Yes, it does." Dean said.
Her touch made his blood turn cold, but he hadn't the willpower to stop her.
"Good, and this is just to beginning, Dean. That white-haired fool's death was only the spark."
"That's to be expected, I suppose. You're hardly going to let me rest on my laurels, are you? What horrible things are going to put me through next, dear Goddess?"
Despite the topic of conversation clearly promising him pain, Dean sounded almost accepting, or perhaps even eager to know more on the topic
A pleasant chuckle escaped her lips.
"Well, you'll just have to wait and see. I promise that it will be worth the decade and a half it took me to make it for you."
So that's how long it had been. Funny, the knowledge neither bothered nor surprised him. He felt as if the version of himself in the book would have been more than a little surprised at the revelation.
"Nicolas," he said aloud. "Sometimes I am also him. I see the world through his eyes as if they were my own."
"Ah dearest Nick. Yes, of course. He has a big part to play in this tale, so it's only a matter of course that we see things from his perspective."
Dean shook his head as he felt a sudden surge of resentment for the character named Oscar and a certain feeling of contempt for the Dean in the book as well.
"Am I also Nicolas?" he wondered aloud.
"Don't be a fool. I've been calling you Dean, have I not?" Tatiana replied, sounding more than a little put off. "Dean, you must remember not to lose yourself any further. Seeing things from Nicolas' eyes is necessary, but you must not forget who you are in the process."
Dean nodded.
"I'll try." He said simply.
Tatiana looked at him skeptically.
"Do you have the strength of will to continue reading, I wonder." She said as she gazed intently at him, assessing his ability. He quickly looked away, avoiding her piercing gaze.
"Well, it matters not, you simply must. But I must say, I'm sad at how weak a man you've become, Dean. I miss the days where you used to scream in despair and frustration. It's like all that bile has been squeezed out of you, leaving you an empty husk."
She was right of course. Even her words had barely any effect on him anymore. He couldn't have been more different from the Dean in the story.
"It's what I deserve." He said simply. Choosing not to mention the great tiredness that threatened to crush him at every moment.
In fact, he almost wished he could fade away forever. He didn't say it out loud for fear of angering Tatiana, but there was no doubt that he longed for rest. Something in his expression must have been telling because Tatiana grabbed his arm in a tight grip.
"Don't even think about giving up and leaving me. Remember, You don't deserve peace or rest. You can only continue moving forward, bearing your sins as you go." She whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry. I've always been a busybody after all. You can sleep when you're dead, and all that."
Tatiana loosened her grip in order to get a better look at his face. Her eyes were narrowed, and she was smiling slightly.
"My, Dean. That was almost a joke." She said with an approving tone.
Dean took the chance to distance himself slightly from her. She didn't protest and continued to look at him with an amused expression. He regretted his words almost immediately.
"That wasn't anything close to a joke." He said flatly.
Tatiana covered her mouth to silence a giggle.
"You'd be surprised how even a throwaway comment can seem humorous in such a gloomy place. Perhaps I should make you my jester in the next tale?"
"Please don't." He replied quickly.
He once again approached the book on the desk and reached his hands out towards it.
"Oh, going back already?" Tatiana asked.
He nodded.
Despite his intentions, his movement slowed until his hands were hovering over the book yet not touching it. He knew what was coming next and even welcomed it. Even so, the subconscious always had a way of compelling one to avoid unpleasantness.
"Aha! Despite all your words, your cowardice is showing once again. How far you've fallen, Dean."
Her words, like a cold breeze, caused his shoulders to stiffen all the more. Why, even after all this time, did he hesitate?
"This is what you really are." Tatiana laughed. "Well, don't worry. The more pathetic you become, the more I want to keep you close."
His breath quickened, and his hands shook as they finally touched the red leather binding of the book. Feeling some of the tension drain, he let out a sigh. He placed a finger on the page where a bookmark had appeared and lifted it.
"Do enjoy the rest of my tale Dean, I'll be watching, always watching."
The world once against turned white as Dean's consciousness faded.