I feel so trapped. I often can't breathe, as if I'm about to be crushed and suffocated under the weight of the trap I'm stuck in.
I feel useless and like a failure. As if that ambitious girl from a moment ago wasn't me. As if that stubborn girl who got everything she wanted never even existed.
You know, sometimes I wonder: Which one was real?
Am I the real me, the me of now, or that girl from high school?
And which reality do you belong to, G?
What is your truth?
And which one will you make real?
For days I've been trying to work, but I've been having a very hard time because of illness and sleeplessness. It's as if my brain is stuck on my problems instead of my goals, and it's ruining me, my mind, my decisions, and my choices in that direction. I get sick, I cry, and I can't focus.
I cry because I can't sleep. The sleeping pills also make me feel stupid.
I don't know if that girl I admired is dead, or if she's still locked away somewhere inside me, screaming with all the strength in her lungs to get out of her room.
Maybe I was the one who imprisoned her there. Maybe I was the one who locked her up and said, "You can't get out."
The high school girl...
How capable she was! And she loved people so much. She was naive. She was a good person. She had been hurt so much. It turns out, when you get hurt enough, you turn into a completely different person.
You become someone more hateful, more aggressive, and more irritable. I have changed.
I used to be so compassionate and calm. I was so emotional.
Now, I am incredibly aggressive and full of hate. I think the only thing that hasn't left me, that hasn't changed, is my impatience.
And I suffer from that, too.
I have no belief in myself, no self-confidence. I don't love people like I used to. I'm withdrawing from society, avoiding it, etc.
I want to write down again what I wrote in my 2016 notebook.
APPROXIMATELY 7-8 YEARS HAVE PASSED. ALMOST 8 YEARS, IN FACT.
24.09.2016
When I am a VERY GOOD Pilot…
Do not be afraid of making mistakes! You will learn by making them. I hope we learn too.
Do not escape what you don't know by saying "I don't know." Escaping is weakness.
When you shatter your impossibilities, you will understand the struggle of life.
REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT UP EVERY TIME YOU FELL.
Nurture your hopes with patience and perseverance, and your goals will become reality.
GOD WILL NOT MAKE YOU DESIRE SOMETHING HE HAS NOT GIVEN YOU THE CAPACITY TO ACHIEVE.*
You know, I am a very fast-paced person; there's always a restlessness inside me.
I think if I can get this under control, I can catch up to my old pace.