" Wait ," I tried to get down but he had already caged me with his arms ," Hold on a second ."
" Why ? Where did your courage evaporate ?," he leaned towards me .
My face flushed and I looked down so I could stop him with my forehead .
I knew that he was looking at me . But I could not . Even the thought of meeting his blue stare made my heart feels painful flutters .
" It's alright ," he told me ," I won't do anything unless you want me to ."
I looked back at him , this time ," Liam , I need you to know something very clearly ."
" Okay ," He waited for me.
I bit my lips , trying to form coherent words inside my head ," So-so I should clear this up to you that I am a virgin ."
He looked like he was fighting a smile ," How surprising that is ."
I rolled my eyes ," No , it's just whenever we are this close or doing something -"
" Doing what ?," he asked teasingly.
" Let me finish ," I hit him on his chest lightly ," I want you to know that all of it is very unfamiliar to me ."
" Obviously," he noded .
" So- so , I get really nervous," I looked down again , I knew how pathetic I sounded ," Sometimes I don't even know what to do or how to act . And it's also scary sometimes. If not for you - if it was not you - I don't think that I can ever trust someone like this to get this close . But since it is you and I want to be with you , I-I will like to be with you . But when sometimes I am rejecting you in anyway , that has nothing to do with your past , um , it's more about me . I have grown up in a conservative family and sometimes I feel really embarassed."
I buried my head against his shoulder .
He chuckled ," So you are worried that I will be hurt if you tell me to stop touching you or something? "
" Yeah ," I mumbled against his skin ," I just don't want you to get any wrong idea . I am very very inexperienced in this and so - I am worried that my actions will hurt you ."
He wrapped his hands around me more tightly and sighed with content ," So that was it ."
" Yeah , even if I act like this, I still want you to know you give me butterflies," I did not know how else I could be clearer about my intention ," Sometimes you make my heart beat so loudly that it hurt . I don't really care about your past Liam , actually....maybe I care too much ," I scowled," I keep imagining setting those people on fire but anyway , you , for you , no matter what you had to do and what you will do in the future , you will always be my husband. And I will always get butterflies from just looking at you . It is just you have to pardon your wife for being shy and awkward ."
He tried to act nonchalant, but I could see how sparkling his eyes had become ," I suppose that I have to deal with your awkwardness."
" Yeah ," I told him ," And I can't promise you that I will be good - um ,in you know -"
" Oh my god ," he laughed out , " Sex is not a bad word . You are twenty three years old already ."
" Yeah , yeah ," I tried to ignore his teasing ," I am just telling you that I can be very clueless and not very good at sex too ."
" You are worrying about all the wrong things ," he shook his head , still smiling .
" No ! Sometimes I feel that you will not like having to do it with me since it will be my first time "
" That is okay ," he said , still smiling even if he was trying to act serious ," Everyone starts somewhere .I can teach you all the ups and downs ."
" Ups and downs ?," I looked at him suspiciously, trying to get back .
" Yeah , and the positions ."
" Positions ," I noded with fake confidence. I did not want to look like a country bumpkin to him ," I know both of those , um , positions ."
" Dear Mrs Anderson , there are more than two positions."
We sat on silence for a while after which Liam bursted out in laughter . I slapped his arm ," I know the deal , ok ? "
" Well as long as I don't have to start talking about bird and the bees ," he said teasingly .
" Oh my god ,I know the bird and the bees !"
" But not the whole process ," he finished for me .
I rolled my eyes .
" Hmm ," he said thoughtfully, but I could see it in his gaze that he was just messing with me ," From where should I start teaching you ?"
" Liam ," I laughed nervously ," It's fine , you don't have to start teaching me right now ."
" No , it's not a bother at all ," he cocked his head at one side ," But I have to know how much you know about this , why don't you start by showing me what you know ."
He was insufferable.
" Liam -," I started and then gulped nervously at his gaze ," Le-let's talk about it later ."
" But don't you have work in the evening , " he said ," Isn't now the best time?"
" You - you should be busy too ."
" Don't worry , I have one meeting that can be rearranged tomorrow," he told me brightly .
The color of my face was starting to change . I could feel it as heat rose under my skin .
" Or do you want me to teach you from the start ?," his voice had gone husky now ," I am fine either way ."
His hands had sneaked under my shirt , his fingers brushed softly on my waist, making me forget even what we were talking about .
Something inside me twisted in pain . I hugged him tightly," Liam , are you really alright ? "
" Hmm ?"
" Will you be alright , if it's me ?," I asked him ," What if some bad memories come up ?"
He thought for a while and then answered ," It's your scent , Julia . It makes me forget things . And the texture of your skin . Sometimes when you are talking , I feel like I forget that there are other people around me . You don't realise the relief you bring me just by staring into my eyes ."
I met his eyes.
" Julia , my heart," his voice was soft now ," Even at my darkest days , I keep remembering these eyes . I was too young to understand love but even when they cuffed me , bound me to the bed for their twisted games ,I would imagine that I was not there , I would imagine looking at your eyes ."
" Liam ," I kissed his forehead . I did not know any words to tell him how much I loved him .
Even while looking at him like this , I was still missing him.
" You make me feel thirsty , Julia , when you look at me like that ," his voice was like lullaby ," May I ?"
I barely gave a nod and he buried his face at my neck .
I shivered , digging my nails into his shoulder , like I needed to hold onto something or I would wash away somewhere far .
" Julia , keep calling my name ," he told me ," As long as you keep calling me , I would know that it's you and not those monsters ."
" Yes , Liam ," it was even hard for the first time .
Especially when I kept forgetting how to speak when he was touching me like this .
All I could think about was how his warm tongue was tickling at the base of my neck .
" Liam ," my voice trembled . I realised that I had closed my eyes but when I opened them again , I found him looking at me .
I had never seen something more beautiful than his gaze . It was like looking at the wide blue sky or a calm deep sea .
" Liam ," I called him with all the yearning that I had harbored within me for all these years .
" Yes ," he answered .
There was no sounds louder than our hearts beating for each other .