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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1

Rebecca

"We are so sorry but you lost the baby."

The words rang in my head for the hundredth time after I arrived home from the hospital. Those words were the words the doctor told me for the third time in a row. Three times. Three fucking times. I have cried so much since I got back from the hospital. This one hurt the most because I actually passed the three-month mark.

Four months and three weeks. Who miscarries a child after four months and three weeks? I had been so happy after I successfully passed the three-month mark and I even started actively buying baby stuff and even got the nursery all renovated just to wake up this morning to blood on the damn bed.

My heart sank when I saw the blood and I didn't even feel the pain until I arrived at the hospital. I begged the doctors to save my baby's life but they all failed me. I swallowed as another wave of pain crushed me but I still refused to call for help.

"What's the point? I just want to die."

I cried to myself. I should die. My baby died so I can't I die too? Why? I lay curled up in my bed alone and sad. I have cried so much that I wonder how I still have tears to cry. I had been so sure this time. I put my heart into taking care of myself and followed every doctor's instruction yet I still lost the baby. I didn't know who to blame.

Myself? My body for not wanting to keep a child? The doctors for not seeing anything wrong even when I went for regular checkups to make sure everything was fine with the baby or my husband who isn't always around when I need him the most?

He left. Three days ago and he only called me when he arrived. I haven't heard anything from the man I married since two days ago. I have gotten so used to him ghosting me that I didn't even notice that I haven't spoken to him in two whole days.

I didn't mean when I was happily preparing the nursery room and buying everything that my baby needed but now that she is no more, I realized just how alone I was. the only other person in the house with me is my housekeeper and she has come into my room more than ten times already, begging me to return to the hospital.

I refuse to return. I would much rather die from the pain than return there. Three times. Three fucking times they had to flush the remains of my baby out of me. Three times. They wanted me to stay but I refused. I refused to stay there even for a minute more and I am never going back there. Never.

"Ma'am?"

I looked up when my housekeeper once again came to check on me. I couldn't say anything because a strong wave of pain washed through me to the point that I couldn't help but cry out. Painkillers. I needed painkillers but I didn't wait around to be given some and even if they had given me, I would not have taken any. What's the point of living when my baby died?

The pain in my heart was stronger than anything else. No hospital or painkillers could stop the pain I felt in my heart. My baby. I could still hear her heartbeat when I did the last check two days ago. What went wrong? What went wrong when just two days ago, they told me my baby was doing fine? Everything had been fine until last night.

I didn't eat anything that I didn't eat before and I didn't drink anything that I didn't drink before. The medication I took was all prescribed by the doctor. All supplements were what the baby needed to continue growing well so what went wrong? What? I closed my eyes tightly when another wave of intense pain washed through my body. It hurt so much. So much to an unbearable point.

"Call my husband, please."

I pleaded with my house assistant as the pain got to an unbearable point. It was too much pain for me to bear alone so I wanted him here too. Just this one time, I wish he were with me but like always, he was busy with business. It was as if his business always came first for him no matter what.

It was as if I knew something would happen while he was away and that's why I pleaded with him not to leave me on my own but he told me he had to go on his trip as the deal he was about to seal was important. I even tried to guilt trip him by asking if his business was more important than me and the baby and he just left without any other words.

Seven years. Seven whole years of marriage and each time I manage to get pregnant, I always end up having a miscarriage. I thought it would be different this time but once again, I got the same words from the doctor. Same words three times in a row in the space of four years since I have been trying for a baby.

"We are so sorry but you lost the baby."

Three times. Those words have been said to me three times and something was common each time those words were said to me. I was always alone. Somehow, the man I married was never there during those times. Twice was a coincidence but three times? It just felt like he didn't want to be there with me.

Honestly, I don't even know the man I married anymore. If I am being honest, I don't think I have known him for a long time now. He is like a stranger who sometimes come to the house we share but most of the time, he is always away. I have asked him countless times already if his feelings already changed and if he wanted us to separate but each time, he had the same short answer. No.

So, why? Just why isn't he always around when I need him the most?

"Ma'am, I think we should return to the hospital. It will be best for you to stay the night."

I shook my head at her. Even with the pain, I still didn't want to go back to the hospital. I hated the pity looks the nurses were giving me and the way the doctor kept asking if he should call my husband pissed me off even more. They are friends so I am sure he already told him that I lost our baby again and yet, that bastard has still not called me.

Yet again, when I needed him the most, he wasn't here just like he hasn't been around the last two times. It was starting to feel deliberate and I hated being suspicious because nine out of ten times, my suspicion turns out to be accurate.

"Call my husband!"

I yelled at her and closed my eyes tightly again. I didn't hear anything from her for a few minutes and when she finally spoke I opened my eyes and took the phone she offered.

"Julius, where are you?

I cried into the phone.

"Becca, you know where I am. You shouldn't have left the hospital. Why are you so stubborn?"

I couldn't believe that he was scolding me. he knew. He fucking knew already yet he didn't bother to call me and when I finally got through to him, he just had to scold me? he didn't even ask me how I was feeling.

"Shouldn't you be here? Shouldn't you be asking me how I am doing? I lost our baby, Julius! I lost our baby and you are not here. You are never here. You are always away for business every time I need you. How can you scold me when you didn't even call me after you heard what happened? Do you even care? Do you even love me?

I felt so pathetic and weak. I hated feeling weak. I hated being pathetic. I hated everything.

"I already called an ambulance. Go back to the hospital and get treated. We can talk when you feel better and I will be there by morning."

I wanted to laugh but the pain was just too fucking much. Go back? That's all he had to say? He didn't even answer my questions. He didn't even pretend to care. I threw the phone away and closed my eyes again as hot tears fell down my face.

He didn't care that I lost our baby. He didn't care because if he did, he would have been on the way back as soon as he heard. He had enough time to make it back in time to be with me. what? Morning? I know he won't be around by morning because this isn't the first time and he never shows up when he says he will.

"Susan, get out of my room and don't let anyone into the house. I am not going back to the hospital."

I warned my house assistant. If I die tonight from the pain, then so be it. I am not going back there and that's final.

What's the point of living? What will I do now? I don't even want to try for another baby. What's the point if I can't even carry the child to full term? There's no point. I opened my eyes when Susan didn't move.

"I am sorry ma'am but I can't do that. you need medical attention and when the ambulance arrives, you are going whether you want to or not."

I didn't even have the strength to argue with her. I couldn't even speak because I suddenly felt faint. I tried to keep my eyes opened but I felt myself slowly drifting away. I realized what was happening and when I did, I gave myself to it hoping that I never wake up.

 

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