On my 7th birthday, my mother brought home a dinosaur model set on her way back from work. It was the toy I had begged for the entire week. At the same time, my father made a fresh cream cake from scratch. He learned baking from his high school friend, even though he got teased for it. Honestly, it didn't look very appetizing. But the crooked lettering inscribed in chocolate reading, 'Happy birthday to our son', moved me a little.
And so, the three of us finally sat around the table together. We wore party hats and sang Happy Birthday. I made a wish and was about to blow out the candles when my mother playfully said,
'If you can't blow out the candles in one go, your wish won't come true.'
So I blew with all my might. But perhaps due to my chronic asthma, one candle remained lit. No matter what I did, it wouldn't go out. I thought my wish wouldn't come true and was on the verge of tears.
Seeing my tearful face, my mother panicked and quickly blew out the candle with a hand fan. My father even picked up the candleholder with his bare hands as if the melted wax wasn't hot at all. Then, they both came to my side, desperately trying to cheer me up.
'It's okay. Mom will make your wish come true. Mom makes a lot of money, you know?'
'No, but why did you say that just when he was about to blow out the candles?'
'I didn't know it would turn out like this… Anyway, don't cry, son. Okay?'
'Seeing my parents frantically trying to console their only son so he wouldn't cry on his birthday was quite amusing. But I couldn't bring myself to laugh.'
'So, what was our son's wish?'
Because I realized it was just a dream.
'I want to die… without loving anyone.'
****
I slowly opened my eyes to the throbbing pain in my thigh.
"…Ugh…"
The spotless white ceiling was oddly familiar. It was the base on the remote island where the Apostles stayed. Maybe because I had been trapped here for a week, it felt strangely comfortable, almost like I had returned to my hometown.
For a while, I just stared blankly at the ceiling. My body felt as heavy as if it were soaked with water, making me unwilling to move even a finger. But my throat was so dry that I needed to ask for a glass of water. Even the bodyguard who never answered my questions would probably grant a request like that.
I tried to push myself up by pressing my hand against the bed, but it wouldn't budge, as if something was holding it down. Struggling, I lifted my head to look down at my hand and stifled a silent scream.
"…What the…?"
Lying face down on the bed, holding my left hand, was Simeon. From his steady breathing, it seemed he had fallen asleep like that.
When did he start sitting on the floor next to my bed? Surely, he hadn't been watching over me all night. The thought of being such a burden made me feel uneasy.
"Isn't that uncomfortable…?"
He'd be better off lying on the bed and sleeping comfortably… just not on the same bed as me.
In any case, if I pulled my hand away now, it would surely wake him up. So, I left my hand in his grip and slowly turned my head. Seeing his peacefully sleeping face made me forget all about my thirst.
How long had it been since I last saw his sleeping face? Even though a lot of time had passed, it was astonishing how his sleeping face still looked the same as when he was a child. He used to fall asleep holding my hand back then just like this. No, to be specific, he said he couldn't fall asleep unless he was holding on to me.
That habit started the day after I jumped into the sea. He said he couldn't sleep, worried that I might go somewhere. And the first night he didn't hold my hand was the night I ran away. I left only a single letter on his bedside table and disappeared.
Perhaps he's still anxious now, afraid that someone who resembles Johan might go somewhere.
Every time I see you, the guilt inside me grows, and every time you see me, your wounds deepen. This relationship, which harms both of us, should end here. That would be the ideal choice, but reason had long since collapsed.
'Hyung. Why did you abandon me?'
Why was it that his voice, as a child, scared me more than the voices of my mom or dad? I wouldn't be here right now if Phenex had been mimicking him from the start. I would be wandering forever in a dream, like that hunter.
"Foolish…"
As I murmured quietly, Simeon frowned. Worried that he might be having a nightmare, I raised my right hand and gently smoothed out his wrinkled brow. Miraculously, his expression softened. I should've stopped there, but seeing him so unguarded gave me a strange sense of courage.
Just a little. A tiny bit should be okay.
My trembling fingertips brushed against his protruding brow bone. His soft hair tickled the back of my hand. They then lightly touched his closed eyelids. His long, black eyelashes were so beautiful. My hand slowly flowed downward, gently caressing his slender cheek. His fair skin contrasted sharply with his black hair, making it appear even whiter. He was beautiful. So much that he would be in my mind forever.
I came to my senses just as my index finger passed over his tightly closed lips.
That should be enough, I thought, as I started to withdraw my hand.
But suddenly, Simeon grabbed my retreating hand, bringing it back to his cheek, and muttered in a low voice,
"You can touch me. As much as you want."
Was he not asleep? Startled, I quickly pulled my hand away as if it'd touched something hot.
"I-I thought you were having a nightmare."
"I wasn't asleep."
"…What? Since when?"
"All along."
Damn. I swallowed a curse and squeezed my eyes shut before opening them again. I sat up, no longer able to bear lying down, and Simeon carefully supported me. Leaning back against the headboard, I felt the pain in my thigh intensify.
"How does your body feel?"
"My hand's fine. But my leg… it still hurts a bit."
It was because I had ruthlessly stabbed it to avoid falling for Phenex's deceit. I must've injured the muscle since I couldn't move it how I wanted. There was no one to blame since I had stabbed myself. I shrugged as if it didn't matter, and Simeon let out a small sigh.
"Wait a sec."
Before I could even guess what he would do, Simeon naturally pulled the blanket off my body. Under the white shorts that reached my knees, the bandages wrapped tightly around my leg came into view. Thankfully, the bandages were clean, indicating that the bleeding had stopped. As I was thinking that my leg would quickly heal if I kept taking the medicine regularly, it happened.
"W-What…?"
He sat on the edge of the bed and slipped his hand under my knee, bending my leg. The hem of my shorts naturally rolled up, revealing my thigh. Even though it was bandaged, it felt like my bare skin was exposed. The embarrassment wasn't just because we were both guys but because this was a bed, and the person beside me was him.
Simeon then gently massaged the back of my thigh with one hand. I'd always prided myself on the muscles I had built up from doing odd jobs, but it seemed they fit neatly in just one of his hands, bruising my ego a bit. Whether he noticed or not, Simeon carefully began kneading my thigh.
"Does it hurt?"
"…A little."
His skillful hands worked to loosen my knotted muscles. But then, I realized his fingers were gradually digging deeper. They finally reached the inside of my thigh. Feeling another person's touch on the most intimate part of my body, which no one had ever touched, made my shoulders tense up involuntarily.
He was just checking my condition, but I was so tense that even my toes curled up for some reason.
"T-This…"
"Even if it hurts, try to endure it a little. It's better if I massage it like this."
It's not because it hurts. Well, it does hurt, but…!
The problem was that his hands, those hands I'd always found beautiful, and those long fingers of his, were touching my leg. The visual and tactile stimulation was too much. Distracted by the sensation of his hands stroking my leg, I could barely feel the pain anymore.
Then, I suddenly realized that this guy might be doing this on purpose. This was the same person who'd pretended to be asleep just to see my reaction. Just as I was about to tell him to stop fooling around, I was stunned into silence by his face.
"…What's with that expression?"
He looked unusually gloomy.
"Are you worried about me?"
I spoke lightly, not wanting to get too serious, but Simeon replied firmly.
"Yes."
He withdrew his hand from my thigh and spoke in a somber voice.
"I've never once regretted a decision I've made. I always choose the best possible outcome."
The constant twitching of his brow seemed to reveal his inner turmoil.
"It was the same when I sent the guild members into the gate. I ignored each individual's opinion and only selected those who'd be useful for the mission. Even when they occasionally returned injured, I considered it something they had to accept as hunters. Besides, they could be healed, and that was that."
Simeon frowned as he stared at the wounded area.
"But seeing you like that, I felt regret for the first time."
Simeon looked as though he was in pain, as if he were the one injured. It seemed he was feeling guilty about my injury.
"Hey, it's okay. It's all over now, right?"
I tried to reassure him with a bright smile, but his expression only grew darker.
"It's been four days."
"…What?"
"You've been unconscious for four days, since you came out of the gate."
What?
"Now I understand that even with medicine or abilities, you can't wake someone who's in a coma."
The smile froze on my face.
I had no idea that much time had passed. I thought it had been at most half a day, maybe a full day if it had been long… It must've been due to the mental strain from Phenex gnawing away at my consciousness rather than from the excessive bleeding or injuries.
"I was afraid you'd never wake up again. I was terrified that I'd driven you to your death."
A self-deprecating smile appeared on his lips.
"I'm sorry. It was my mistake."
"You don't have to go that far…"
"No. I've realized a lot of things because of this."
His black eyes were calm and composed, more than ever. He looked like someone who was reviewing a lost chess game alone.
"I understand now that the reason none of the guild members have died so far isn't because of my good leadership but because of their abilities. I've just been lucky until now."
"…Hey."
"So, every choice I've made has been both the best and the worst possible outcome."
"Simeon."
"Or maybe it wasn't even the best."
No matter how much I called out to him, it was useless. In the end, I grabbed his cheeks with both hands and forced him to look at me.
"Sang Heo."
His eyes widened in surprise as I called him by his name.
"Just listen to me for a second."
He blinked rapidly, looking utterly shocked.
"So…"
I'd just woken up, and my mind was a mess. On top of that, I wasn't good with words, and I wasn't great at comforting people either. But I knew what I wanted to say, so I took a deep breath and began.
"To be honest, I resented you a lot at first. I wondered why you gave me such a difficult task."
Yes. If Simeon hadn't taken me into the rift, I wouldn't have had to go through such a dangerous ordeal. I contemplated running away several times when I met the nun and entered the cathedral.
But right before the summoning, Simeon said I was the best choice.
"But when you think about it, it had to be done. And just like you said, I was the least risky choice to do it."
It was just that reasoning that convinced me. So, I held on with everything I had.
"Do you understand? It was the best choice. I just agreed to it. The other guild members knew that, too, which is why they've followed your decisions all this time. So, don't blame yourself too much. It ended safely, didn't it?"
It must've been tough leading this huge guild all by yourself. Even when a guild member got hurt, you acted composed on the outside, but inside, you probably blamed yourself just like you are now. To make the best decisions and to reduce the damage your team sustained, you must've calculated everything repeatedly before making your decisions.
I can't fully understand how heavy the burden is for a guild leader. So, to help ease that burden just a little, I softly smiled and stroked his cheek.
"If you realized something from this incident, then all you need to do is change things from now on."
Simeon just stared at my face without saying a word. How much time passed in that silence? Suddenly, Simeon's head dropped forward. Soon, his shoulders started to tremble slightly.
Just when I thought he might be crying, a voice tinged with amusement reached my ears.
"You know, Mr. Hajae…"
As I took my hands away from his face, I saw the corners of his mouth curled up in a smile.
"I was planning to let you go if you resented me."
He was smiling as if he found it all incredibly amusing.
"But instead of resentment, you're comforting me."
What… is this? I thought he was feeling dejected. Sure, I might have misunderstood and comforted him as I pleased, but I couldn't shake off the feeling he'd played me. An indescribable discomfort made my brow furrow on its own.
"Were you testing me just now?"
"No. Everything I just said was sincere. It's just… fascinating."
Simeon, who'd been gazing sideways, lost in thought, soon spoke with a puzzled expression.
"You don't like me, right?"
"…I don't dislike you."
"Really?"
"But I don't like you either."
As I spoke definitively, Simeon's brows knit as if he were troubled.
"What should I do?"
Yet, his smile remained as bright as ever.
"After today, I find it even harder to give up on you, Mr. Hajae."
You were going to let me go if I resented you? …Lies. You would've found a way to tie me down anyway. Or did you already know that I wouldn't be able to resent you?
Suddenly, I recalled when we played chess in this room. Back then, Simeon had deliberately left a path open to the queen, watching how I would react. Even though I knew it was a trap, I couldn't resist the temptation to seize the queen.
This is exactly like that. Simeon had intentionally taken a step back, and I stepped forward, softening at the sight of his self-reproach. Just as I lost the chess game, I now lost miserably in this tug-of-war with him.
Will I ever be able to win, even just once? Will the day ever come when I manage to get the better of him?
"Did you really plan on giving up?"
"Of course. I was really going to let you go… at least from this cage."
"Would you believe that if you were me?"
When I shot back sharply, Simeon simply smiled in silence. What a twisted nature he has. Then, all of a sudden, Simeon reached into the table drawer and pulled something out, holding it out to me.
"Here, take this."
The scroll, rolled up and tied with a red ribbon, resembled old parchment. When I untied and unrolled the ribbon, I found an image of the white beast, Phenex, drawn on the yellowed, faded paper. Below it, written in long cursive, was a passage about Phenex. I was certain.
"This… is real?"
"Yes. It's the very A-class spirit item you stopped from rampaging."
The fifth page torn from
Judging by the texture, similar to thick mulberry paper, and the ink smell of the writing, it was indeed genuine. And yet, there wasn't a drop of blood on it. They say a creature doesn't sustain damage when it becomes a relic. Despite being mere paper, it seemed unaffected by something like blood.
"But why are you giving this to me?"
"Because your contribution was significant."
"Isn't it something you need more than I do?"
"I thought so, too… but it turned out not to be what I was looking for."
Not what he was looking for? Wasn't he just collecting various creatures indiscriminately? Come to think of it, someone who once requested a bid from me said something like this. There's a group that only collected cursed spirit items. If it turns out that group is the Apostles, there must be a special reason for it.
I was briefly lost in thought when Simeon continued speaking without giving me a chance to question him.
"Besides, it recognizes you as its owner. So whether you keep it or sell it, it's up to you, Mr. Hajae."
Wait a minute. An A-class spirit object is mine?
The D-class item
"Even if you're telling me to keep this…"
Now that I've accepted it so suddenly, I'm unsure what to do. If I sell it carelessly to just anyone, the country that owns