My father had never said a harsh word in his life. He always told me to grow up healthy, worried about me until his dying breath, and kept apologizing to me. And then… what did he say? As if dreaming with my eyes open, my mind grew more and more hazy.
Just then, a low voice pulled me out of the mire.
"Mr. Hajae?"
I quickly raised my head, and there was a faint image of Simeon. His face, with his eyes closed from using his powers, was furrowed with concern.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes… I'm fine…"
Before I could even finish speaking, the darkness engulfed me again. Simeon vanished, and someone else stood in his place. A man with his arms skinned red, face covered in blood, eyes consumed by agony, and broken legs who stood at an odd angle as though he were a living corpse.
"Hajae."
I heard it.
"Your father is in so much pain."
A voice heavy with suffering.
"My son, can you come here?"
They came from all directions, constantly tormenting me.
"It's been so long; I want to hug you."
The darkness, which had stayed at a distance, was now starting to close in on me. It stopped right at the boundary of the holy water and crept around me. The swaying shadows seemed to beckon me to step out.
I mustn't go. It's an illusion. Phenex is trying to trick me.
"Son."
"Hajae."
"It's okay, come here."
"It's your father. Have you forgotten already?"
Covering my ears was useless. Their voices echoed in my head. In the end, I covered my mouth with my left hand and slashed my thigh with the dagger with all my strength.
Thunk—.
The pain that pierced my flesh quickly spread throughout my body. I clenched my teeth, enduring the scream that was about to burst out. The grinding sound of my teeth was vivid. As time passed, the pain didn't become familiar; it only intensified.
Gradually, my waist bent, and I finally collapsed forward, kneeling.
"Ugh."
I caught myself with my hands on the ground to avoid falling.
Splash—.
The sound of entering shallow water. The ripples drawn by my fingers must've been in the pooling blood.
The pain cleared my mind a little, but only for a moment.
"Hajae.
I hear the voice again. I try not to listen, but it seeps in, gnawing away at my mind.
"Look over here."
It's a hallucination.
My mother left to save me, and my father bore her secret alone while raising me. I grew up with everything. I was loved; I had nothing to envy from anyone. So there's no way my parents would say such things to me.
No way…
"Do you resent me?"
Another cruel question, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Haha… ha…."
Yes, I do resent you. After all, who could be happy about inheriting a curse like this?
As a child, I liked the curse because it felt like proof that my mother loved me.
But as time passed, I began to resent it. I grew to hate both the undying body and the mother who passed this curse onto me.
The reason those cursed are unhappy isn't because the day they must die inevitably draws closer. It's because, as that day approaches, they become thoroughly isolated. After my mother passed and my father followed her, carrying her secret, I was left alone in this world. Meeting Sang somewhat alleviated my loneliness, but that was just a delusion.
Once I felt warmth, I began to desire more. Just one more day, just two more days. The longer we stayed together, the heavier the inevitable separation became. Like someone dying of thirst who'd obtained a drop of water by sheer luck, it felt more like despair than hope. The more I stayed by Sang's side, the more my thirst grew.
At one point, I thought I should just live as my heart desired. But in the end, I chose to run away. I didn't want to pass on the loneliness, even if it meant causing pain. I'd hoped he would remember me as his unrealized first love rather than the source of a curse. And I planned to make an excuse just before I died, saying, "I did my best not to pass the curse onto you."
…But now, even that plan is a mess.
"Hajae. I hate you."
I hate you too, Mom. But I still love you.
"Why were you the only one to survive?"
I wonder. Why indeed… It would've been better if we'd died together.
When the curse consumed my mother, my father died in the accident. Even when I left Sang and got caught up in a bus accident, dragging my damaged body to the sea, I should've just plunged into the ocean and floated away like debris. My body temperature would've dropped, my body would've bloated, and my brain would've frozen completely. And I could've lived as a walking corpse until I decomposed after ten years.
What was I trying to live for? What was I planning to do by surviving, spending an enormous fortune on healing treatments, and barely holding on? Am I satisfied with the present that I've reached? No, there isn't a single person I can rely on. I had no friends and avoided forming relationships, fearing the curse would spread.
For the same reason, I couldn't even keep pets. So, I got used to spending my birthdays alone. Sometimes, I would go to the rooftop and stand blankly by the railing. But I always gave up and went back down. It wasn't because I was afraid of jumping; it was because I feared being unable to die and having to live on.
Remarkably, I endured for seven years. But then, with less than a year left, I reunited with Sang. On top of that, a shackle was placed on me, making it impossible to run away. A tragic ending is inevitable. It might just end when I take my last breath, but Sang will be left to endure the pain of losing me twice.
And that's not all. I will inevitably pass the curse onto him.
This curse brings deep loneliness and constant guilt as you look at the one you love.
"Hajae."
I slowly lifted my head at the sound of my name being called.
The pain in my thigh no longer registered. The sharp scent of blood stung my nose, signaling severe blood loss, but I felt nothing. My mind was growing more distant. The tears I shed made it difficult to see clearly.
But it was rather comforting. The coldness started from my fingertips, and it felt like I was swimming in the ocean.
"Let's run away together."
A gentle voice wrapped around me. As if entranced, I pushed off the ground and stood up. With one leg too weak to support me, even standing still was difficult. But I stumbled forward regardless.
"Come here."
Let's go. To where my family is. To a home where I don't have to think about anything.
Just as I reached into the darkness, a sudden bright light stabbed at my eyes; I stopped in my tracks and looked down at the ground to see the mother-of-pearl glimmering on the holy water. Nearby, I saw shoes stained with blood.
I was one step away from crossing the boundary made with holy water.
"…What was I thinking…?"
Suddenly regaining my senses, I stumbled backward. With my vision clearing, I raised my head to see something swaying in the darkness. It wasn't my mother or my father.
"Hajae."
"You are…"
What was reaching out toward me was a wing covered in pure white feathers. Its pale face was devoid of eyes and a nose, with only dried lips moving. Large enough to touch the ceiling, the giant figure took a form too familiar.
It was the one who sings of eternal rest.
"Phenex…!"
Until now, it'd been unable to cross the boundary of holy water and had enticed me to step out. Realizing that I'd caught on, it retreated into the darkness again. Then, with cruel cunning, it mimicked the voice I least wanted to hear.
"Hyung."
The moment I heard the voice of a young boy, I violently shook my head.
"Why did you abandon me?"
I must not waver. No matter what's in front of me.
As I slowly bent my knees, the wound tore open, sending a sharp pain through my thigh. But I knelt in place regardless. Then, dipping my fingers in the holy water, I wiped away the blood that covered my face. Were the drops running down my cheeks, blood, tears, or holy water? I could no longer tell.
Then, with trembling hands, I made the sign of the cross and recited a prayer.
"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…."
Even in the midst of it, I heard my mother's voice. She was calling me, telling me to come, whispering that I should return to the embrace of the mother I missed so much, to my family and rest.
"Lead us not into temptation…."
It looks warm. The white wings that spread wide toward me seemed so comforting. If I leaned on them, all my worries would disappear. Then, I could enter eternal rest.
"…but deliver us from evil."
My legs, as if moving independently, twitched as if about to stand. In the end, I gripped my wound and kept muttering the same phrase, as if trying to brainwash myself, as if praying for this pain to pass.
"From evil… Please, save me from… evil…."
Eyes closed, I kept murmuring like a person possessed.
How many times did I repeat those words? The multiple voices that had been tormenting my mind disappeared suddenly. As if the fog was slowly lifting, my senses returned, and I heard an urgent voice from afar.
Someone seemed to be calling me…
"Johan!"
Someone shook my shoulders roughly, and I opened my eyes wide. As my blurred vision cleared, a familiar face came into view. It was Simeon. His eyes were wide open, examining my pale face, and his expression was more distorted than mine.
"Are you okay?"
I slowly nodded and looked around. The church's interior was bright as if someone had lit candles. The nun stood beside me, looking down at me with concern, but didn't seem to be injured herself. The white wings that'd been tempting me nonstop were nowhere to be seen.
Had they disappeared? Or was this also a dream?
"Phenex…?"
As I uttered each syllable with dry lips, Simeon stared straight into my eyes and replied.
"It's over. It's safe now."
"Ah, thank goodness…."
Before I could even finish my sentence, I collapsed on the spot.
"Johan!"
In the foggy haze, I thought I saw white feathers again.
****